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Post by SweetieBugs on Dec 18, 2022 19:43:02 GMT
For background, my SIL Amy and BIL Tim have never wanted to do family gatherings for the past 18 to 20 years now (my mother and father in law can be very annoying and thoughtless and my SIL Amy just got to the point where she can't stand being around them). They live in a vacation area and my other SIL Deb (she is the BIL's sister) has invited herself down there many times over the years. The SIL Deb does book a hotel but wants to be able to visit with Amy and Tim at their home.
The complication is that SIL Amy has brain cancer that is terminal and her time is running low. She is at home but will have significant surgery in January. SIL Deb "asked" her BIL if it was okay that we come for a 2 day visit the week after Christmas and supposedly he said okay. History shows that Deb bulldozes over most people's opinions and choices so I'm not sure how much I trust her. I did ask her point blank if we were invited or if Deb invites us herself. She says she asked and he said okay. Again, not sure that was the case.
Question, how would you feel about going or not going knowing that it probably isn't what they want yet also knowing it is probably going to be the last time you spend time with her.
Added below: I did text her and got a noncommittal, but understandable, response. It sounds like she is probably torn on having to make the decision and be the one to tell people no.
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Post by littlemama on Dec 18, 2022 19:46:40 GMT
Why dont you call the BIL and ask?
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Post by busy on Dec 18, 2022 19:46:48 GMT
I’d talk to the other BIL/SIL myself.
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Post by amp on Dec 18, 2022 19:47:57 GMT
Could your husband ask SIL and/or BIL what they want and decide from that? It doesn't sound that Deb is a good intermediary...
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Post by katlady on Dec 18, 2022 19:49:30 GMT
Can you call and talk to Tim directly before deciding what to do? I personally would like to go and see her, but I would confirm with Tim first. Has Amy expressed wishes to have no visitors? A family gathering is different (to me) than an individual visit.
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 5:46:37 GMT
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Post by lindas on Dec 18, 2022 19:53:28 GMT
Seriously, just pickup the phone and ask it’s not that difficult to do.
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Post by Zee on Dec 18, 2022 20:05:36 GMT
Agree you need to communicate with them directly and let them know you want to honor what HER wishes are at this time. If it's too much for her, I would give her that time alone with her husband, no hard feelings.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Dec 18, 2022 20:13:46 GMT
Agree you need to communicate with them directly and let them know you want to honor what HER wishes are at this time. If it's too much for her, I would give her that time alone with her husband, no hard feelings. Absolutely this.
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Post by Linda on Dec 18, 2022 20:54:44 GMT
Agree you need to communicate with them directly and let them know you want to honor what HER wishes are at this time. If it's too much for her, I would give her that time alone with her husband, no hard feelings. parking my ditto right here.
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pinklady
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Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on Dec 18, 2022 20:59:50 GMT
Family or not, I’ll never understand why people force themselves on people who clearly don’t want to be around them.
Leave your dying sister in law alone. If she wants to see you, she’d tell you.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 18, 2022 21:44:01 GMT
Family or not, I’ll never understand why people force themselves on people who clearly don’t want to be around them. Leave your dying sister in law alone. If she wants to see you, she’d tell you. People who push themselves where they are not wanted don't do it for the person who is ill. They do it because they are nosey, want to see what the person looks like, to gossip and spread their take on the situation and can't think beyond their own wants. I also will never understand people who do not just pick up the phone and ask instead of taking another's word for it. The other thing that I don't get is why the husband or the sick woman don't just say straight out, please do not come. Now is not a good time.
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Post by christine58 on Dec 18, 2022 21:47:19 GMT
No one should be asking if you can go visit. That’s on you. Is this your husband’s sister? Or is it his sister-in-law? It’s a little confusing the way you have everything written. I would not go to be perfectly honest. Send her a card or something in the mail if you think you need to
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peaname
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Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Dec 18, 2022 21:56:22 GMT
Calling someone can put them on the spot. I’d text and say we are not coming because it’s unclear if Deb is just inserting herself like she usually does. If they want you they’ll ask you to come.
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 20:05:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2022 22:58:18 GMT
Honestly? I wouldn't go knowing Deb's history.
I would be calling Tim myself and asking straight up, are you up for visitors? If she's having surgery in January, they might be doing their best to isolate as to not risk having the flu, RSV or COVID at the time of surgery. Maybe see if facetime or a zoom call would be better.
Being a vacation town is not relevant.
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 18, 2022 23:01:31 GMT
Family or not, I’ll never understand why people force themselves on people who clearly don’t want to be around them. Leave your dying sister in law alone. If she wants to see you, she’d tell you. People who push themselves where they are not wanted don't do it for the person who is ill. They do it because they are nosey, want to see what the person looks like, to gossip and spread their take on the situation and can't think beyond their own wants. I also will never understand people who do not just pick up the phone and ask instead of taking another's word for it. The other thing that I don't get is why the husband or the sick woman don't just say straight out, please do not come. Now is not a good time. My father died in April. My inlaws did not come to the funeral. They did show up the day after the funeral, expecting to have a nice family visit. They shouldn't have come. Also my husband should have said no. But he has so many years of enduring their tantrums when they don't get their way that on some level he genuinely is afraid to say no. It's an explanation, not an excuse, but family dynamics sometimes are incredibly toxic.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 18, 2022 23:11:27 GMT
People who push themselves where they are not wanted don't do it for the person who is ill. They do it because they are nosey, want to see what the person looks like, to gossip and spread their take on the situation and can't think beyond their own wants. I also will never understand people who do not just pick up the phone and ask instead of taking another's word for it. The other thing that I don't get is why the husband or the sick woman don't just say straight out, please do not come. Now is not a good time. My father died in April. My inlaws did not come to the funeral. They did show up the day after the funeral, expecting to have a nice family visit. They shouldn't have come. Also my husband should have said no. But he has so many years of enduring their tantrums when they don't get their way that on some level he genuinely is afraid to say no. It's an explanation, not an excuse, but family dynamics sometimes are incredibly toxic. That is a very good reason to firmly just say no. I really feel for people who are unable to do that with no guilt.
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Post by SweetieBugs on Dec 18, 2022 23:24:23 GMT
Thanks all. It's complicated, as is life. This is my husband's twin brother and his wife. My DH died in 2020. I've never had a close relationship at all with this brother-in-law and haven't even had a one on one conversation with him for years!!! Even at my DH's celebration of life. He is not a great communicator (has residual brain injury from when he was a teen) and is perpetually angry and argumentative. They've lived 5-10 hours away from us the entire time and never enjoyed visitors so we went years only seeing them once every 2 to 3 years.
My sister-in-law on the other had I really, really care for. I've asked her, via text, a few times over the past few weeks if she was up to a phone call and she ignores that and just texts a few word reply. I'm sure it's gotten harder for her to communicate. I send her little comments like "did you see the game last night?" or "we are going to need a raft to go to the store, hope you guys are still dry" just to stay in touch. Anyway, I texted her a little while ago asking about the plans and making sure that it was something they both wanted verses what my SIL Deb wanted.
SIL Amy responded "sounds like a good idea right now, today, but I'm taking things day by day. It would be good to see all family and cousins and stuff, but don't go out of your way if you have other plans".
So, that sounds like a definite "maybe". That's tough for making plans because the place Deb wants to stay requires a 2 night minimum (as do most places in town), is noncancelable and is over $395 per room per night (will probably need two rooms)!! I think that as long as she doesn't says "it's not a good time", I'll plan on going and just try not to worry about the details.
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inkedup
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 18, 2022 23:34:01 GMT
I'm sorry for this sad situation. I'm glad you reached out directly and heard from Amy.
I would just agree to play the situation by ear, express my love and admiration for her, and make clear that there are no hard feelings, no matter how she feels.
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peaname
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Post by peaname on Dec 18, 2022 23:34:50 GMT
That sounds like a good solution. And I’d be fully prepared for her to not be up to seeing you. But you’ll probably feel better knowing that you tried. It must be so hard for you to see your husband’s twin.
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pantsonfire
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Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Dec 18, 2022 23:46:07 GMT
Why dont you call the BIL and ask? ^this. Don't ask a board full of people who aren't the people involved. Reach out to BIL and SIL and directly ask. Then base your trip off of his/their answer.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 18, 2022 23:54:34 GMT
She is politely telling you that she is not up to it. She will let herself be pushed into doing a visit because she won't say no. I would not go unless she really convinced me that she definitely wanted the company. Let her know that she should wait and see how she is feeling before committing to a visit and that you are fine with that. Make it very comfortable for her to be honest with you.
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StephDRebel
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Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Dec 19, 2022 0:03:39 GMT
She didn't give you a definite maybe, she sounds more like she said no but knows what she wants doesn't really matter with the history of steamroller behavior. I would video chat if it's important to see her but I wouldn't bother her. Visitors are a lot, especially when facing something this huge.
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Post by librarylady on Dec 19, 2022 0:13:13 GMT
Why dont you call the BIL and ask? this ^^
I have not read any further than the first post.
I wonder, "What is stopping you from asking your BIL or even the SIL?"
Stop making the other person the "go between."
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Post by librarylady on Dec 19, 2022 0:16:55 GMT
Now that I have read the other responses---call, or text, tell her you are sending good wishes but don't want to be intrusive. If she wants you to come, then let her ask you.
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Post by SweetieBugs on Dec 19, 2022 0:17:46 GMT
She didn't give you a definite maybe, she sounds more like she said no but knows what she wants doesn't really matter with the history of steamroller behavior. I would video chat if it's important to see her but I wouldn't bother her. Visitors are a lot, especially when facing something this huge. Yes, I meant that "definitely maybe" as in "probably not".
I texted her again to let her know that there wouldn't be any hard feelings at all if they'd rather not have people come. That her wants and needs should come before anyone else's."
I'll just keep things flexible right now but probably not go unless I can tell for sure she wants us to come and is feeling up to it. I have so many regrets with my DH's passing that I keep thinking of regrets in this situation as well. That is a hard emotion to live with But, again, her needs should trump EVERYONE else's for sure.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 19, 2022 0:42:08 GMT
I understand what you are saying, above. And I see both sides.
When my mom had Alzheimer's, we didn't want relatives to see her in bad shape because we knew she had been such a proud woman and would have been embarrassed had she been cognizant about it. On the other hand, my cousin is now dying from a brain tumor and doesn't want company. She is my closest cousin and dear childhood friend, and I'm sad I won't have the opportunity to hug her one more time -- but of course I will respect her wishes and not go.
I think you have made the right choice in not going unless you are sure she is welcoming company.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 19, 2022 13:02:14 GMT
The fact that she’s not following up on your invitation to talk by phone would make me believe she’s certainly not up to doing it in person. It sounds as if she’s deflecting in any way possible without having to come right out and say no.
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Post by Prenticekid on Dec 19, 2022 15:11:56 GMT
She didn't give you a definite maybe, she sounds more like she said no but knows what she wants doesn't really matter with the history of steamroller behavior. I would video chat if it's important to see her but I wouldn't bother her. Visitors are a lot, especially when facing something this huge. Yes, I meant that "definitely maybe" as in "probably not".
I texted her again to let her know that there wouldn't be any hard feelings at all if they'd rather not have people come. That her wants and needs should come before anyone else's."
I'll just keep things flexible right now but probably not go unless I can tell for sure she wants us to come and is feeling up to it. I have so many regrets with my DH's passing that I keep thinking of regrets in this situation as well. That is a hard emotion to live with But, again, her needs should trump EVERYONE else's for sure.And, if I did go, at her invitation, I surely would not go with Deb.
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Post by auntkelly on Dec 19, 2022 15:13:27 GMT
I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place. Sometimes its just so difficult to know what you should do. It is nice that you are thinking of your sister in law's best interest rather than your own. I hope you find peace w/ your decision, whatever you decide.
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Post by hjs on Dec 19, 2022 15:35:22 GMT
SIL Amy responded "sounds like a good idea right now, today, but I'm taking things day by day. It would be good to see all family and cousins and stuff, but don't go out of your way if you have other plans".
This suggests to me that , while she would like to see you today, she isn’t sure she will be up to a visit by the time you are there, I would plan the visit. When the day comes, go over with some food for BIL, (and SIL If she us up for it), maybe a few gift cards for food delivery. Plan for a very short visit with SIL , less than a half hour. Offer BIL to come back the next to do laundry, cleaning etc as he needs. This affords you an opportunity to say goodbye and shows respect to the family without taking up their limited time and energy a sad situation indeed. But, however limited your relationship has been with your BIL, it is good to acknowledge their situation. I would fear that, without a visit now, BIL will in the future carry resentment that no one came to see SIL at the end. their time and energy expecting them to entertain you.
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