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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 19, 2022 15:59:33 GMT
Yes, I meant that "definitely maybe" as in "probably not".
I texted her again to let her know that there wouldn't be any hard feelings at all if they'd rather not have people come. That her wants and needs should come before anyone else's."
I'll just keep things flexible right now but probably not go unless I can tell for sure she wants us to come and is feeling up to it. I have so many regrets with my DH's passing that I keep thinking of regrets in this situation as well. That is a hard emotion to live with  But, again, her needs should trump EVERYONE else's for sure. And, if I did go, at her invitation, I surely would not go with Deb. Though I rarely stick my nose into anyone else's business in this instance I might be motivated to have a very stern talking to, to Deb. Shame her into not forcing herself onto a dying woman. |
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639 
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on Dec 19, 2022 16:44:06 GMT
I think a hand written note/letter would be nice. Reminder her of happy times and events - tell her of your friendship and love, that you would love to say these things in person but understand it might be too much.
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Post by Laurie on Dec 19, 2022 21:29:00 GMT
This is how I typically reply to my inlaws. However, my intent is different than most posters on this thread. For me it means if they can visit or come to said event, etc they are welcome to but if they can't make it I understand. I don't specifically say Lexi has a Christmas program on xyz date because I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to come.
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Post by katlady on Dec 19, 2022 21:50:28 GMT
This is how I typically reply to my inlaws. However, my intent is different than most posters on this thread. For me it means if they can visit or come to said event, etc they are welcome to but if they can't make it I understand. I don't specifically say Lexi has a Christmas program on xyz date because I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to come. I am like this to. I don't want them to feel like they *have* to be there, especially if it might be a burden to show up. |
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
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Post by cycworker on Dec 20, 2022 4:58:50 GMT
SIL Amy responded "sounds like a good idea right now, today, but I'm taking things day by day. It would be good to see all family and cousins and stuff, but don't go out of your way if you have other plans".
This suggests to me that , while she would like to see you today, she isn’t sure she will be up to a visit by the time you are there, I would plan the visit. When the day comes, go over with some food for BIL, (and SIL If she us up for it), maybe a few gift cards for food delivery. Plan for a very short visit with SIL , less than a half hour. Offer BIL to come back the next to do laundry, cleaning etc as he needs. This affords you an opportunity to say goodbye and shows respect to the family without taking up their limited time and energy a sad situation indeed. But, however limited your relationship has been with your BIL, it is good to acknowledge their situation. I would fear that, without a visit now, BIL will in the future carry resentment that no one came to see SIL at the end. That is where I am at. I'd be worried that if I didn't go, later on he'd resent nobody being there. |
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,352
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Post by artbabe on Dec 20, 2022 12:34:52 GMT
My mom didn't want to see anyone the last month of her life. She didn't even see her grandkids for the last 3 weeks. It was her life and her death- she decided what she wanted and we all went along with that.
I can't imagine forcing myself on someone who doesn't want visitors.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 20, 2022 16:44:46 GMT
As far as worrying that if you didn't go BIL would resent it later…this is where real adults use their words.
Talk to BIL and tell him your concerns. Then make him very comfortable being honest with you. Jeeze Louise, I just do not understand people who guess about other's feelings and will not have a gentle and honest conversation.
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But, again, her needs should trump EVERYONE else's for sure.
