milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,586 
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Jan 14, 2023 15:55:18 GMT
Yes, agree with AussieMeg if someone discusses something personal with a best friend, to get some perspective, to get it off their chest that is one thing. A group of women sitting around bitching just to bitch is a different story. Or that one person that always complains to anyone and everyone, not cool and others don't want to hear it. |
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Post by MichyM on Jan 14, 2023 18:58:15 GMT
I tried not to talk badly about my ex. If I did bitch, it was silly things like his snoring, hitting snooze for 7 times each morning (which drove me nuts on the days I didn't need to get going a early as he did), lack of help in the house/garden, that sort of thing. <---- he was never the kind of person that would do tasks on his own, without me asking (and nagging sometimes). I would never air "dirty laundry" publicly about him, and I don't think he did about me either.
We've been apart for 10 years this month (sheesh, time flies). No one except he and I know what was the final nail in the coffin of our struggling marriage.
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Post by Texas Scrap on Jan 14, 2023 19:53:22 GMT
I think everyone’s comfort level with this is different. Part of marriage is knowing what the other’s “third rail” topics are. I might bitch about my husband’s inability to find the dishwasher or pick up his dirty clothes, but other topics that i know he’s sensitive about would never come up. And he might joke about my lack of business acumen or my general dislike of housework, but he knows what my sensitive areas are and doesn’t joke about those. But we have friends who are clearly in the “never say anything negative” camp and that’s fine. Figure that out with your spouse and don’t go by what others say or do. There’s no right or wrong way to be married. I think this is true. For me personally, I am on the continuum of not saying anything critical, but also have close trusted friends who I can talk to about my own "relationship struggles". That puts it in the context of hey, this is hard right now, and I need help to be my best self in this situation. Anyone who has been in a relationship can agree there are some really. low valleys in any relationship. At the same time, I personally prefer to keep the details between DH and I, and I know he feels the same - so it's a mutually agreed way of respecting each other's trust. Now if I were in an abuse situation of any kind, or needed support bc of addiction, then that would change my approach. But, I personally am protective of what is between us stays between us. In my mind, this falls in the category of, what will best help my relationship be healthy and grow? For us, 28 years of marriage, this approach has worked. And to be clear, my trusted friends and I all are open about the fact that there is no perfect marriage out there, they are all messy, with baggage, etc, etc, so it helps to have that support group that are like minded, even if we are not sharing specific frustrations. |
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,048
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Jan 14, 2023 20:32:21 GMT
I do not share frustrations about my husband with anyone but my husband. Our relationship is private and to me it would be disrespectful to speak negatively about him behind his back. If I have a problem with him, I tell him. Telling a friend isn't going to solve the problem. And I expect my husband to do the same.
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Post by Zee on Jan 14, 2023 20:35:09 GMT
If I didn't have my friends to vent to I would have killed him years ago.
But our relationship is very different and easy now and there really isn't much to complain about. Venting is generally allowed between friends where I'm from.
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Post by Restless Spirit on Jan 14, 2023 21:13:27 GMT
I do not share frustrations about my husband with anyone but my husband. Our relationship is private and to me it would be disrespectful to speak negatively about him behind his back. If I have a problem with him, I tell him. Telling a friend isn't going to solve the problem. And I expect my husband to do the same. This. 100% this. |
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Post by busy on Jan 14, 2023 21:36:51 GMT
It’s hard to believe this is the same group who complains about people portraying perfect lives on social media.
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Post by MichyM on Jan 14, 2023 21:40:07 GMT
It’s hard to believe this is the same group who complains about people portraying perfect lives on social media. Because some of us prefer to keep our personal relationships private? Or is there some other reason? |
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Post by busy on Jan 14, 2023 21:50:02 GMT
It’s hard to believe this is the same group who complains about people portraying perfect lives on social media. Because some of us prefer to keep our personal relationships private? Or is there some other reason? Never saying anything negative about a spouse to anyone seems to be presenting an unrealistic life to me. As I said before, I am not a fan of bitching for entertainment and I do not engage in that. But I think it’s healthy and normal to have conversations about your marriage with your closest confidants. I wouldn’t say something about DH that I wouldn’t say to DH but still… sometimes talking through things with my BFF gets me in a much better headspace to talk about it with DH (or, often, to realize my reaction to something is not actually about DH but is about me and it’s not him who needs to change). I also think never talking about the inner workings of marriage outside that marriage as a cultural norm sets up a lot of women to either have unrealistic expectations of relationships or to put up with behavior that is actually abusive. |
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Post by MichyM on Jan 14, 2023 22:45:27 GMT
Thank you for clarifying. I disagree with what you said, especially with the last sentence, but that’s ok.
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Post by cmpeter on Jan 15, 2023 0:23:42 GMT
I tend to not talk badly about most people and certainly not about my dh. There aren't a lot of things that I could say negatively about dh, it's one of his annoying traits. :-)
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Post by lg on Jan 15, 2023 0:38:40 GMT
Because some of us prefer to keep our personal relationships private? Or is there some other reason? Never saying anything negative about a spouse to anyone seems to be presenting an unrealistic life to me. As I said before, I am not a fan of bitching for entertainment and I do not engage in that. But I think it’s healthy and normal to have conversations about your marriage with your closest confidants. I wouldn’t say something about DH that I wouldn’t say to DH but still… sometimes talking through things with my BFF gets me in a much better headspace to talk about it with DH (or, often, to realize my reaction to something is not actually about DH but is about me and it’s not him who needs to change). I also think never talking about the inner workings of marriage outside that marriage as a cultural norm sets up a lot of women to either have unrealistic expectations of relationships or to put up with behavior that is actually abusive. There is a huge difference between venting and being outright malicious and nasty about someone, which is what I think you are both getting at/saying. Just like there is a huge difference between real life and what is portrayed on social media by most people. I think this is where the real problem lies. This is why I’m not on social media, if I want to live in fantasy land it’s much better for my mental health to read a book or watch a movie. |
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Post by Merge on Jan 15, 2023 2:25:01 GMT
I think everyone’s comfort level with this is different. Part of marriage is knowing what the other’s “third rail” topics are. I might bitch about my husband’s inability to find the dishwasher or pick up his dirty clothes, but other topics that i know he’s sensitive about would never come up. And he might joke about my lack of business acumen or my general dislike of housework, but he knows what my sensitive areas are and doesn’t joke about those. But we have friends who are clearly in the “never say anything negative” camp and that’s fine. Figure that out with your spouse and don’t go by what others say or do. There’s no right or wrong way to be married. I think this is true. For me personally, I am on the continuum of not saying anything critical, but also have close trusted friends who I can talk to about my own "relationship struggles". That puts it in the context of hey, this is hard right now, and I need help to be my best self in this situation. Anyone who has been in a relationship can agree there are some really. low valleys in any relationship. At the same time, I personally prefer to keep the details between DH and I, and I know he feels the same - so it's a mutually agreed way of respecting each other's trust. Now if I were in an abuse situation of any kind, or needed support bc of addiction, then that would change my approach. But, I personally am protective of what is between us stays between us. In my mind, this falls in the category of, what will best help my relationship be healthy and grow? For us, 28 years of marriage, this approach has worked. And to be clear, my trusted friends and I all are open about the fact that there is no perfect marriage out there, they are all messy, with baggage, etc, etc, so it helps to have that support group that are like minded, even if we are not sharing specific frustrations. Yeah, in thinking more about this, I don’t think anything I would share falls into the category of actual relationship problems. They’re more like annoying quirks. After 27 years together, finding his socks on the floor *again* is annoying but it’s hardly a real issue for me. Teasing and snarking at each other about non-issues is a big part of our relationship and most of our friends are the same, and I do think that affectionate teasing about those things is a strength in our relationshipships. Real issues get addressed in private. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 15, 2023 2:38:04 GMT
I've gone back to this thread a few times trying to decide how to comment on this.
I asked for the separation and ultimate divorce in my first marriage (just shy of 24 years of marriage). Everyone - literally everyone - who knew us was shocked. "We thought you were the perfect couple." Well, yes... because I danced really nimbly to keep up the charade that it was true. I took a very old-school approach to supporting my husband and protecting my marriage/family from negativity. I covered for everything and put our best foot forward. Until I just couldn't do it anymore. The year I turned 48 was also going to be our 24th anniversary year and I had an ah-ha moment. It was a half-way point in that I had spent half my life in that marriage, and I just knew with perfect clarity that I was unwilling to give the next half to it.
How does that relate to this thread? I've wondered soooooo many times if things would have been different had I been willing to be more transparent. People would say to me, "I never liked that son-of-a-bitch and I'm glad you're leaving him." Ha. I never really knew. He required that we present as the perfect family. Our boys weren't allowed 'mistakes.' We lived in a smalltown fishbowl. So, we all did the dance. We pretended to them, and they pretended back to us. Such a vicious cycle.
My husband now of over 11 years is my old high school sweetheart. He is the yin to my yang. We both have rough edges, but our edges somehow align perfectly. I have precious little to bitch about with him, but I am much freer to have those conversations with trusted friends now because I realize the value in having others corroborate or challenge you on what you see. I do not willy-nilly criticize him to others. I am his biggest fan. But I do feel free now to be "real" about our lives. No more pretending. There's no win in that.
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