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Post by auntkelly on Jan 29, 2023 14:38:41 GMT
It just depends on the circumstances.
I have an uncle who was married three times and I am quite judgy of him. I don’t know anything about his first marriage except that it was brief and she was gorgeous. He had a child by the second wife and after divorce proceedings were begun, he found out his wife was pregnant. He didn’t support the child and made no effort to have any relationship w/ the child, despite the fact that he was in good shape financially. He was married to the third wife, whom we all adored, for ten years’ or so. He wouldn’t say why they divorced, but a short time after they divorced we heard she had a serious neurological condition. I can’t help but think that had something to do w/ their divorce. My uncle was in many relationships after his third divorce. I don’t know whether he married any of them. I have good reason to suspect one of those relationships was with a young girl who may not have even been of consenting age.
I have a friend who just married for the third time and I am not at all judgy of her. She was young when she married the first time and her husband turned out to be a loser. She married a much older man the second time. They had a wonderful marriage for about twenty years, and then he became very ill. She nursed him for two years or so and then he died. She just got married for the third time and seems really happy, although the marriage is not conventional. They live and work in two different cities and only see each other on the weekends. It works for them and I am happy for her.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 29, 2023 14:52:00 GMT
Maybe the rest of us are just more fortunate. I don't know why that comment is hitting me wrong. I do feel fortunate in my marriage (my second), but it brings up a notion I confronted during my divorce. For some reason, marriage seems to be the only thing in our lives we're not allowed to make a mistake about. We can invest years in a certain major, decide it's a mistake, and switch gears completely. We can live somewhere for years, decide it's not for us, and pick up and move across the country. We can go through years of school and training to become a lawyer, decide we hate it, and become a chef. But be married and then decide it's not working for you? Horrors! Why aren't we "allowed" to change our minds about that as well?
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Post by MichyM on Jan 29, 2023 16:17:29 GMT
Thank you all for your thoughts. I am not criticizing the number of marriages, just - IMHO, they have occurred in a short period of time! I am in the 25th year of my third marriage; my 2nd dh died. Not throwing stones here. But you are still critical and judgy, even after reading all the posts we’ve made on this thread. Now I‘M feeling quite critical and judgy towards you :/ Again I want to say: You never know what someone has gone through behind closed doors.
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Post by lisae on Jan 29, 2023 16:58:29 GMT
Maybe the rest of us are just more fortunate. I don't know why that comment is hitting me wrong. I do feel fortunate in my marriage (my second), but it brings up a notion I confronted during my divorce. For some reason, marriage seems to be the only thing in our lives we're not allowed to make a mistake about. We can invest years in a certain major, decide it's a mistake, and switch gears completely. We can live somewhere for years, decide it's not for us, and pick up and move across the country. We can go through years of school and training to become a lawyer, decide we hate it, and become a chef. But be married and then decide it's not working for you? Horrors! Why aren't we "allowed" to change our minds about that as well? I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm married to my 2nd husband. My first was not a good choice for me. I outgrew the marriage, he wanted different things. It was very tough to confront this mistake and to move forward. I was also very judgmental about people who divorced before it happened to me. I was sure if you divorced that you must have done something really wrong. Of course, I made mistakes in my first marriage. Mostly, we were just too young and not as well suited as we thought. I learned a lot about myself and relationships in general. I also didn't want to imply that choosing the right spouse is all about luck. I do think though that luck can have some to do with it. I happened to find my current husband at my workplace. The choices we each had to make in our lives to lead us to be working in the same department in the same state at the same time are innumerable.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jan 29, 2023 17:02:59 GMT
My friend's mother just announced the date of her 7th wedding. She is very Christian, you see, and would not dream of living in sin. Her
Her own children are annoyed.
I don't blame you for not really taking this seriously. How could you?
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,812
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jan 29, 2023 17:38:29 GMT
Again I want to say: You never know what someone has gone through behind closed doors. This sums everything up about my thoughts on this topic. I've only been married once, but as I have posted about her, I am going through a divorce after almost 38 years of marriage. I have zero doubt there will be people who think negatively about me when they find out my husband and I are divorced. I am a very private person in my real life, and even though this has been going on for almost 2 years, there are many people who do not even know I am getting divorced. So they will not know all that I have been through and all I have discovered about my husband. And they likely never will because other than writing about some of it here, only a few people know the whole story. I am so tired of seeing the stupid memes on SM about marriage, and how it takes work, and people give up too easily. And my latest "favorite," why aren't there marriages like our grandparent's anymore??? I know a few people who have been married 4+ times. One of them married her childhood sweetheart, a man who was manipulative and controlling. She had children with him, and finally had enough and divorced him. She has been married I think 5 or 6 times, I've lost track. She just can't imagine being alone. I do not judge her. Her thoughts about life and marriage were shaped in a negative way when she was very young. I feel awful for her because things never work out the way she expects them to. I will never judge someone for how many marriages they have, just as I do not want to be judged as someone who "gave up" on a 38 year marriage by folks who will likely think I didn't try hard enough or I am selfish and only thinking of myself.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 29, 2023 18:22:41 GMT
lisae, thank you for your response but you didn’t say anything wrong or offensive. It truly was just the way the statement hit me. I wanted to respond with my own feelings about that. You are always thoughtful and kind in your posts. I don’t want you to feel badly about what you said.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 29, 2023 20:36:53 GMT
FWIW, my sister attended a conference years ago (80s?)
At that conference it was predicated that in the US we would have serial marriages and few, if any, would get married and stay married to that one person for years/the rest of their lives. It was predicted that we (Americans) would get married, stay married for a small number of years, divorce and marry again (wash and repeat).
Seems like that social scientist knew what he was talking about.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Jan 29, 2023 20:38:39 GMT
I don't judge people getting married lots. I would admit to judging if they had big wedding after big wedding. If it were a gift grab situation.
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Post by birukitty on Jan 29, 2023 20:58:33 GMT
I've been married 3 times without any deaths. Does that make me a horrible person?
Husband number 1 I married when I was 20 years old-young and foolish. He ended up getting into cocaine after we'd been married for a couple of years and I knew if I wanted to get anywhere in my life I had to get out of that marriage. I divorced him.
Husband number 2 I married when I was 25. He was a naval officer that I'd known in high school but we didn't date at that time. I was still young and foolish. He turned out to be very controlling, verbally abusive and physically abusive at the end. I also found out he'd been cheating on me for years. We were married for 7 years. I divorced him, got some counseling and learned what to watch out for in the future. I had one child from that marriage.
Husband number 3 came along when I least expected it. He was the first guy I dated after my divorce but he was perfect for me. Thanks to my counseling I'd gotten my self esteem back and knew what to look for. I married him when I was 35 and we've been married now for 27 1/2 years. He is a wonderful husband.
I don't care if people look down on me or judge me for having been married 3 times. I know what went on in those first 2 marriages and I know I made the right decisions for my life and also for my son's life. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 29, 2023 21:14:31 GMT
Again I want to say: You never know what someone has gone through behind closed doors. This sums everything up about my thoughts on this topic. I've only been married once, but as I have posted about her, I am going through a divorce after almost 38 years of marriage. I have zero doubt there will be people who think negatively about me when they find out my husband and I are divorced. I am a very private person in my real life, and even though this has been going on for almost 2 years, there are many people who do not even know I am getting divorced. So they will not know all that I have been through and all I have discovered about my husband. And they likely never will because other than writing about some of it here, only a few people know the whole story. I am so tired of seeing the stupid memes on SM about marriage, and how it takes work, and people give up too easily. And my latest "favorite," why aren't there marriages like our grandparent's anymore??? I know a few people who have been married 4+ times. One of them married her childhood sweetheart, a man who was manipulative and controlling. She had children with him, and finally had enough and divorced him. She has been married I think 5 or 6 times, I've lost track. She just can't imagine being alone. I do not judge her. Her thoughts about life and marriage were shaped in a negative way when she was very young. I feel awful for her because things never work out the way she expects them to. I will never judge someone for how many marriages they have, just as I do not want to be judged as someone who "gave up" on a 38 year marriage by folks who will likely think I didn't try hard enough or I am selfish and only thinking of myself. Love. I can totally * feel * what you are saying. This is the same reason that only a few people know who my 3rd husband is, once the front door closes. I didn’t see the point of smearing him and being ugly and honestly, it’s not anyone else’s business. I grew up in a very toxic household (parents celebrate 50 years next year— yay.) Both of them tear each other down. Mom more than dad, but he’s been unfaithful multiple times. In their small town. They bicker. They fight. They are both miserable and have been literally as long as I can remember. I will not, under any circumstance, choose to live my life that way. I just won’t. I won’t apologize for that, and I certainly won’t judge anyone else for it. My 3rd ex’s current wife is 10 years younger than him, a pastors daughter and has 4 children by him. He lies big lies to her, dismisses her, puts her down, and makes all the choices in their household. He and I were the clash of the titans, but man did he wear me down. Believe me, there is no shame in getting out of that situation. There also shouldn’t be honor in staying. (They have been together 14 years. They married 6 months after we divorced.) They once had a fight in a state where they were visiting his friends (acquaintances of mine also- it was a road trip) and he LEFT her there and drove home, about 12 hours. With their two small children. He took my son. Shut off her bank card (she doesn’t have a credit card.) Her parents, across the country, ended up sending her plane tickets to get her and the kids home. From the outside, he’s such a great guy! BTW- I hope this discussion is helpful for anyone staying in an abusive relationship, to see that although there are clearly people who will judge, there are also plenty of us that have been there and wouldn’t think any less of someone choosing happiness over approval by strangers or even friends.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Jan 29, 2023 21:31:35 GMT
Thank you all for your thoughts. I am not criticizing the number of marriages, just - IMHO, they have occurred in a short period of time! I am in the 25th year of my third marriage; my 2nd dh died. Not throwing stones here. You are throwing stones though.
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Post by PNWMom on Jan 31, 2023 6:19:03 GMT
Between them , my parents have been married a total of EIGHT times (3 for mom, 5 for dad). No deaths. I never met my mom’s 3rd husband as they dated for a few months, then married for like a month before separating. I was in college and never met him. Two of my dad’s marriages were for only a few months and the other three were 10+ years each.
My parents had 4 kids together. Each of us married one of our first SOs and each remains married. 23 years for my older sister now, 22 years for my younger sister; will be 20 years for me this year and 14 years for my baby brother. Sometimes you can learn a lot from bad examples
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