Need Help with Assisted Living

Have they toured any facilities? Seeing what it entails and the activities/amenities that are available might help sway them

My in-laws were very resistant, to the point where they promised each other that they would never move to a facility. My MIL has dementia and wanted to stay in their home. But then FIL needed surgery and all of his care plans fell through when COVID swept through the home care nurses in the community that same week. So he had no one to stay with MIL while he was in the hospital and no help for his recovery. This was summer of 2020 and we were living in Belgium. My sister-in-law had to drop everything and drive out to them. It was very obvious that they shouldn’t be living alone.

So FIL gave in. My SIL rented an RV and drove them back to Minnesota. They went into a rehab facility and MIL stayed with FIL in his room. Then they moved to an assisted living apartment. MIL was verbally abusive and refused to get out of bed or eat. FIL just couldn’t care for her and within a month she was moved to skilled nursing in the same facility. FIL was able to visit her and then go back to his apartment. There’s more to the saga, but it doesn’t help your situation.

It gave them some peace of mind to move where they could have different levels of help in one facility. There was also a chapel, beauty shop, barber shop, bus to take them shopping, garages if they had kept the car, etc. It’s a nice facility. FIL eventually moved in with his sister when she became widowed, but MIL is still there in skilled nursing now. They know her and manage her well.

My in-laws sold their house and that’s what has been paying for the facility. We had to separate their finances to prepare for when the money runs out. We will then have to declare MIL indigent and the state will take over her care. That will allow FIL to continue paying his share to live with his sister. They both draw retirement and social security.

We pay about $9,500 for MIL’s place in the skilled nursing wing. It was about $3,500 for both of them on the assisted living side—meals alone were about $25 a day for the two of them. For that facility, they billed nursing care in 15 minute increments and had so many credits to use each month. So if they need help with medications, bathing, dressing, etc that can be done on a need basis and it can be stepped up or down monthly as needed.

My FIL definitely has guilt over “abandoning “ MIL, but he just couldn’t live like that. We try to give him a lot of support and now that he’s living with his sister, his days are busy and he’s happier. MIl’s dementia has progressed enough to where she doesn’t remember most things for more than 90 seconds or so. She does ask for Marv and we tell her that he’s in a rehab facility after his surgery. She doesn’t remember that it’s been almost 3 years.

We had just started this process with my father and his wife. They did not want to move and our biggest selling point was if they made the decisions now they would be able to stay together. If it gets to the point where others have to decide, they may get separated. They did not want to be apart. Unfortunately, it did not go as planned. His wife ended up in a hospice facility and a couple months later dad fell and passed 2 weeks after the fall. They were able to talk daily, and we did get dad over to visit her a couple times. It was very tough on both of them.

If they want to stay together, they need to be the ones in charge of where they go. Once the decisions are out of their hands, they lose control.

We had home care a couple of hours per day. We were there often and other family came by. What it took was her last trip to the hospital and the doctor saying she could not be on her own. dh and I toured care homes. We were then given three in the area to choose from. The day she went in she said “whoever put me in here will pay”. Here in Alberta the Government subsidizes part of the care. We could also write part of it off on her income taxes. We set up a guest book beside her bed so people could sign in when they have come to visit her.

My Dad wanted nothing to do with it. I would set up appointments to tour and the day of he'd cancel on me. I dropped it. THEN I had to fly to Florida to bring him home and we went directly from the airport to the hospital and then to rehab. I had had enough as I was trying to manage him, my husband, who was terminal, and 2 jobs. I went and toured facilities, narrowed down the field and in the end nudged him to the facility that was 4 minutes from my house that had a rehab attached to it. He went from the rehab into assisted living. He didn't put up a fight because I think he finally realized he needed the help and plus he knew I was MAD. But once he got in there he said to me "I should have done this years ago". If we hadn't had the Florida fiasco, I don't know if I could have gotten him to go.

Be aware that he may not be approved for Assisted Living. My grandmother had Parkinson's and it was really iffy for a bit whether they would approve her. They did but it was kind of on a trial basis. A year later she died, and we were all sure that she would have had to move to the nursing home section had she not died then.

My grandfather had reluctantly agreed to leave their home because he knew that grandma needed more care. He continued to drive and go play cards at his usual place so he was not reliant on the activities in the facility.

My other grandparents left their home about the same time. My paternal grandfather went into the nursing home and my grandmother had a small apartment in the same facility. When he died about two years later, it helped her that she had already made the transition to living there and had friends and support around her.

My mom spent the last couple years in assisted living. It was her choice, so she did not have to be convinced.

BTDT it is not easy. Do DH and his siblings agree something needs to be done? If so, I would schedule and appointment with their regular DR to get a clear picture of their health and then visit facilities and ask plenty of questions. Finding openings in facilities that you like may be trickier than you realize.

My mother moved into Assisted Living and lasted about 4 months before moving to LTC. She is widowed and had aides come to her house for the prior 4 years. She is thriving in LTC. She interacts with the staff and other residents, attending assorted programs all through the week.

It is expensive no doubt.

My late inlaws visited multiple facilities and decided on one that had Independent Senior Apartments down to long term care.  However, years later when my MIL went on dialysis, they did not take dialysis patients in LTC.  Later, when my FIL needed LTC, there were no openings.  You just can't plan on everything  (hugs) to you and your family.

This organization (A Place for Mom) was very helpful to us when we were looking to place my in laws.

www.aplaceformom.com/brand/mobile?&kw=3234-Google_US_Brand_Tier_1&kwg=a%20place%20for%20mom&keyword=a%20place%20for%20mom&match=e&device=m&network=g&account=G:US:B:APFM_Master&campaignid=11496331373&adgroupid=113135335580&ad_id=475921399614&AdPosition=&geo=9031984&distrib=s&targetID=kwd-18558071&interest=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid_media_sem&utm_campaign=Google_US_Brand_Tier_1&utm_content=null&utm_term=a%20place%20for%20mom&isInquiry=true&attribution_id=174&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1cqa6PL3_AIVIxCtBh3TMAZMEAAYASAAEgIUxfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

One thought - do your parents know anyone who is currently in assisted living? If so, you could take them to visit them.

My dad was so against assisted living that he put it in his trust, after my mom's dementia dx, that they would age in their home. Then dad died very unexpectedly at 74 and we had to scramble. We found a little house for my mom next door to my sister and she lived there with us checking in, then with home health care 5 days a week for 3 years, and absolutely refused to even entertain the idea of leaving the house. Then she walked out the front door at 2 am and wandered off, in her nightgown, barefoot. We put her in memory care within the month. That was in Oct. She was so very mad at us. Still is. If she had allowed a move to assisted living sooner we would have been able to find her a spot in a home closer to us with more amenities.

Having to move them when it's a crisis limits options. Tell them if they agree, they'll have more say in it. If it's an emergency move, you get what's available.