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Post by manda on Jun 9, 2023 19:27:48 GMT
She tends to do that (make herself the center of attention). It’s been 20+ years but at her moms 75th birthday party (can’t remember if she was the host or all of her siblings as well) she turned it into a surprise wedding for herself and her now husband. Whoa!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 9, 2023 20:29:00 GMT
I’m not a fan of surprises in general, especially something major that affects / involves multiple people. I really wouldn’t like it sprung on me suddenly that I’m going to lose my bed/bedroom for a week. I also really don’t like keeping things from my family that will impact them. Is the kid who’s losing their bedroom the one that’s graduating? If not, I would ask grandma if it would be okay to tell that one kid the secret ahead of time so they aren’t caught off guard and so they know why they need to get their room cleaned up and ready. I think if you could do that one thing it would lessen your stress just a little bit. I’m assuming your DH knows? I would never agree to keep any kind of secret from my DH. No, DH doesn’t know. I think the surprise would happen when we got back from the airport. I would absolutely not keep that from my DH. In fact, since it’s his mom HE would be going to the airport to get her. You’re going to have enough other things to do and prepare at home, you don’t need a three hour time suck on top of all that.
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Jun 9, 2023 20:36:04 GMT
Honestly I wouldn’t be making extra effort as a surprise, but my kids wouldn’t give the kind of surprise response someone like that is looking for so it wouldn’t go well anyways.
They’d be like, grands came for graduation? Cool 🤷♀️ Grands couldn’t make it for graduation? Cool 🤷♀️
And it sounds like she’s looking for a big reaction and might end up disappointed anyways. I’ve done two high school and one college graduation with extended family and it’s a lot of moving parts and hectic and emotions so bending over extra for someone else’s desire to shine wouldn’t be on my radar. Oh and I’d be sending the link or booking an airport shuttle if there’s extenuating circumstances spouse can’t pick up his mom.
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Post by ameslou on Jun 9, 2023 20:58:59 GMT
I think if she’s committed to the idea of it being a surprise, she needs to handle her own transportation and lodging. She needs to rent a car, drive herself to your town, book a hotel room and stay there.
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Gennifer
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Post by Gennifer on Jun 9, 2023 22:16:34 GMT
Uh, no way in hell.
I think the older generation thinks surprise = good, when the reality for most of us is that surprise = bad. It’s hard enough for me, but it would be a literal nightmare for my teens and trigger their social anxiety. They (and me, on a lesser level) need time to prepare themselves emotionally for any social event, let alone one that would entail being kicked out of their room for days on end.
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Post by roundtwo on Jun 9, 2023 22:32:42 GMT
It certainly would annoy me and after reading a bit more about her having to be the centre of attention I am really not sure I would put in effort when there is so much going on with your son's graduation.
For what it's worth, my kids enjoyed their visits with grandparents when they were younger (and still do now as young adults) and part of that enjoyment was planning what they wanted to do when they visited, especially since we lived so far away from them and visits were at best yearly events. They would still be happy to see them if they surprised them of course but it wouldn't be their first choice for a visit.
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luckyjune
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Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on Jun 9, 2023 22:43:37 GMT
I dunno. This seems like a case of "I want to surprise everyone for my own benefit" situation that requires a whole lot of work by other people. Kind of self serving.
If she really wants to surprise people, she needs to take on all the details herself (transportation, stay at a hotel, show up at the event on her own). And it is your son's big day, not hers.
There are not many (if any) situations where I'd feel the need to surprise people with my presence. For me, I'd find that inconsiderate.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 9, 2023 22:58:22 GMT
I'm surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't want to keep the secret and it's too much of a hassle. If my MIL wanted to surprise everyone and asked me to keep her visit a secret, I would agree in a heartbeat. I think it would be a lot of fun! But, I love my MIL so maybe that's the difference. And my son is very easy going, just like DSO and I, so he would have no problem whatsoever giving up his room at short notice. The only thing that is a bit weird in this particular scenario is that your MIL's big surprise visit is for your son's graduation. It's going to put the focus on her instead of your son, at least for a little while. It would make more sense for her to do a surprise visit for Christmas or Thanksgiving or a family member's milestone birthday. ETA: My post was based on the information in the OP, and whether *I* would do it for *my* MIL. With the extra information added in later posts, I don't blame the OP for not wanting to do it. Maybe she's planning on having another surprise wedding or vow renewal!
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Post by cmpeter on Jun 9, 2023 23:07:00 GMT
Given the history with her, I would tell her I would do my best, but no promises.
And...dh would be picking his mom up from the airport. Normally I would say they should make their own plans (airport transportation, Uber, taxi, etc.) But, both of our mom's are of the age where that would intermediate them. So, if they came to visit, we would pick them up.
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peaname
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Post by peaname on Jun 9, 2023 23:09:19 GMT
I’m not into surprises and would never do this.
But it sounds like you can get by with just picking her up at the airport. Once she’s there your son can wash his sheets and pick up his room and your DH can get her back to the airport. I’d make this small effort for something that seems fun to her.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 9, 2023 23:15:16 GMT
Meh, I don't know your MIL but that strikes me as her trying to main character someone else's milestone and I don't like it. It would be one thing if she were just swooping in on her own, but it sounds like her desire to pop out of the cake may cause logistical hassles. I mean, honestly, in my family, to keep the peace, I'd probably try to do it, because my MIL makes the cost of "no" very high and this wouldn't be a big enough deal for me to endure it, but if you are asking for validation about any annoyance, I'm here for it ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) . She tends to do that (make herself the center of attention). It’s been 20+ years but at her moms 75th birthday party (can’t remember if she was the host or all of her siblings as well) she turned it into a surprise wedding for herself and her now husband. Yikes! I definitely got a vibe off of this plan, and it sounds like the vibe read was accurate!
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 9, 2023 23:18:07 GMT
I'm surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't want to keep the secret and it's too much of a hassle. If my MIL wanted to surprise everyone and asked me to keep her visit a secret, I would agree in a heartbeat. I think it would be a lot of fun! But, I love my MIL so maybe that's the difference. And my son is very easy going, just like DSO and I, so he would have no problem whatsoever giving up his room at short notice. The only thing that is a bit weird in this particular scenario is that your MIL's big surprise visit is for your son's graduation. It's going to put the focus on her instead of your son, at least for a little while. It would make more sense for her to do a surprise visit for Christmas or Thanksgiving or a family member's milestone birthday. ETA: My post was based on the information in the OP, and whether *I* would do it for *my* MIL. With the extra information added in later posts, I don't blame the OP for not wanting to do it. Maybe she's planning on having another surprise wedding or vow renewal! Honestly why? This is just another thread that highlights that the vast majority of 2peas hate their families and wish they'd never visit. This has been the theme for 15+ years and by far the most confusing part of my participation here. Most people just want validation that they can reject their family and no one ever wants visitors and that's normal. It's really not for the vast majority of people, but this little world continues to validate that view point. I've said before - whenever someone says with family - should I - 99% of posters respond - no you don't have to.
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Jun 9, 2023 23:18:45 GMT
Knowing where you live, I think it would be hard for you to make a secret trip to the airport. You’d be gone long enough for it to be very noticeable at a time when you are busy.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 10, 2023 0:05:39 GMT
Meh, I don't know your MIL but that strikes me as her trying to main character someone else's milestone and I don't like it. It would be one thing if she were just swooping in on her own, but it sounds like her desire to pop out of the cake may cause logistical hassles. I mean, honestly, in my family, to keep the peace, I'd probably try to do it, because my MIL makes the cost of "no" very high and this wouldn't be a big enough deal for me to endure it, but if you are asking for validation about any annoyance, I'm here for it ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) . She tends to do that (make herself the center of attention). It’s been 20+ years but at her moms 75th birthday party (can’t remember if she was the host or all of her siblings as well) she turned it into a surprise wedding for herself and her now husband. ![](https://giphy.com/gifs/theoffice-nbc-the-office-tv-BcMJvmwkmbyWpKkBj3) Wtf
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 10, 2023 0:33:02 GMT
I'm surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't want to keep the secret and it's too much of a hassle. If my MIL wanted to surprise everyone and asked me to keep her visit a secret, I would agree in a heartbeat. I think it would be a lot of fun! But, I love my MIL so maybe that's the difference. And my son is very easy going, just like DSO and I, so he would have no problem whatsoever giving up his room at short notice. The only thing that is a bit weird in this particular scenario is that your MIL's big surprise visit is for your son's graduation. It's going to put the focus on her instead of your son, at least for a little while. It would make more sense for her to do a surprise visit for Christmas or Thanksgiving or a family member's milestone birthday. ETA: My post was based on the information in the OP, and whether *I* would do it for *my* MIL. With the extra information added in later posts, I don't blame the OP for not wanting to do it. Maybe she's planning on having another surprise wedding or vow renewal! Honestly why? This is just another thread that highlights that the vast majority of 2peas hate their families and wish they'd never visit. This has been the theme for 15+ years and by far the most confusing part of my participation here. Most people just want validation that they can reject their family and no one ever wants visitors and that's normal. It's really not for the vast majority of people, but this little world continues to validate that view point. I've said before - whenever someone says with family - should I - 99% of posters respond - no you don't have to. I want her to visit, I just feel like it would be easier if it wasn’t a surprise (and then is that selfish of me?). Do I think she can be self-centered at times? Yes. But that doesn’t mean i don’t want her to come. The post was asking whether or not to encourage her to not make it a secret, not discouraging her to come altogether.
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Post by littlemama on Jun 10, 2023 1:48:52 GMT
She seems like she loves attention, but this is not her event. I wouldnt put more stress on yourself by trying to keep it a secret. Id just tell her you'll try but arent making any promises as you have a lot going on preparing for your child's graduation and party. Then Id immediately tell my family. 🤷🏼♀️
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Gennifer
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Post by Gennifer on Jun 10, 2023 1:52:12 GMT
Honestly why? This is just another thread that highlights that the vast majority of 2peas hate their families and wish they'd never visit. This has been the theme for 15+ years and by far the most confusing part of my participation here. Most people just want validation that they can reject their family and no one ever wants visitors and that's normal. It's really not for the vast majority of people, but this little world continues to validate that view point. I've said before - whenever someone says with family - should I - 99% of posters respond - no you don't have to. Wanting time to prepare, both physically and emotionally, for guests does not mean I hate my family. 😂
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 10, 2023 1:59:04 GMT
When I think back to my youngest's graduation, it still makes me shudder. I was finishing the school year, trying to retire and empty a classroom after 28 years, trying to plan a party and accommodate 22 people staying in my house. It was awful. Had I had to make something a surprise, it might have pushed me over the edge. I would gently tell MIL that I couldn't keep it a surprise since I was moving a kid out of his room. And why wouldn't people thing she'd be coming anyway? Is this really something unusual for a gma to show up for a graduation? Tell her you'll let your son know, but no one else.
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 10, 2023 2:00:53 GMT
Given the history with her, I would tell her I would do my best, but no promises. And...dh would be picking his mom up from the airport. Normally I would say they should make their own plans (airport transportation, Uber, taxi, etc.) But, both of our mom's are of the age where that would intermediate them. So, if they came to visit, we would pick them up.100% this. Our main airport is 90 minutes away and I hate that drive through Denver.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 10, 2023 3:53:33 GMT
I'm surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't want to keep the secret and it's too much of a hassle. If my MIL wanted to surprise everyone and asked me to keep her visit a secret, I would agree in a heartbeat. I think it would be a lot of fun! But, I love my MIL so maybe that's the difference. And my son is very easy going, just like DSO and I, so he would have no problem whatsoever giving up his room at short notice. The only thing that is a bit weird in this particular scenario is that your MIL's big surprise visit is for your son's graduation. It's going to put the focus on her instead of your son, at least for a little while. It would make more sense for her to do a surprise visit for Christmas or Thanksgiving or a family member's milestone birthday. ETA: My post was based on the information in the OP, and whether *I* would do it for *my* MIL. With the extra information added in later posts, I don't blame the OP for not wanting to do it. Maybe she's planning on having another surprise wedding or vow renewal! I think a big part of it is the sheer distance for the OP to the airport. I live much closer to the airport than she does and even on a good day the traffic in that area and the surrounding highways can be really backed up and slow. Couple that with trying to get my whole house picked up and company ready, shopping, cooking and prepping for a pretty major event AND trying to keep MIL’s visit a secret from everybody in the house including her own son? That would all add up to a lot of added stress for me. I would think if the rest of the family knew she was coming they would all be a lot more on board with helping to get the house ready as well as in other ways which would alleviate a lot of the added stress of having a house guest for a week during an already very busy time.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 10, 2023 4:06:53 GMT
I'm surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't want to keep the secret and it's too much of a hassle. If my MIL wanted to surprise everyone and asked me to keep her visit a secret, I would agree in a heartbeat. I think it would be a lot of fun! But, I love my MIL so maybe that's the difference. And my son is very easy going, just like DSO and I, so he would have no problem whatsoever giving up his room at short notice. The only thing that is a bit weird in this particular scenario is that your MIL's big surprise visit is for your son's graduation. It's going to put the focus on her instead of your son, at least for a little while. It would make more sense for her to do a surprise visit for Christmas or Thanksgiving or a family member's milestone birthday. ETA: My post was based on the information in the OP, and whether *I* would do it for *my* MIL. With the extra information added in later posts, I don't blame the OP for not wanting to do it. Maybe she's planning on having another surprise wedding or vow renewal! I think a big part of it is the sheer distance for the OP to the airport. I live much closer to the airport than she does and even on a good day the traffic in that area and the surrounding highways can be really backed up and slow. Couple that with trying to get my whole house picked up and company ready, shopping, cooking and prepping for a pretty major event AND trying to keep MIL’s visit a secret from everybody in the house including her own son? That would all add up to a lot of added stress for me. I would think if the rest of the family knew she was coming they would all be a lot more on board with helping to get the house ready as well as in other ways which would alleviate a lot of the added stress of having a house guest for a week during an already very busy time. I’ve been through that 494/694 interchange the last two Fridays and it’s been backed up for miles. Luckily I was going 694 to 494 south! On the Friday before Memorial Day, DH left from Wayzata about 5pm and it took him on all back roads until the Clearwater exit. The road construction is really messing with an already busy area. I wouldn’t mind the surprise, but if the relationship isn’t great, I wouldn’t spring that on my DH. And I just think that it’s respectful to let my child know that they will have to vacate their room for a week. We’ve done a few surprise visits over the years, including in May of 2021. DD was graduating with her undergrad degree and we flew back to Minnesota from Belgium. We weren’t 100% sure that it would all work with the Covid restrictions, so we didn’t tell 89 year old FIL that we were coming back. But we did call him first thing the next morning and ask if we could take him to lunch.
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gina
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Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Jun 10, 2023 5:20:53 GMT
I was in agreement with Mom that "no big deal" and I'd go along with the surprise until you added the bit about her hosting her own surprise wedding at a past event. HA!!! how ridiculous. This definitely changed the tune for me to she's trying to become the center of attention in some odd way and I wouldn't care so much to keep the surprise.
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Post by monklady123 on Jun 10, 2023 10:03:00 GMT
nope - if she wants it to be a surprise, then she needs to arrange her own transportation and hotel
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Post by monklady123 on Jun 10, 2023 10:15:00 GMT
I'm surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't want to keep the secret and it's too much of a hassle. If my MIL wanted to surprise everyone and asked me to keep her visit a secret, I would agree in a heartbeat. I think it would be a lot of fun! But, I love my MIL so maybe that's the difference. And my son is very easy going, just like DSO and I, so he would have no problem whatsoever giving up his room at short notice. The only thing that is a bit weird in this particular scenario is that your MIL's big surprise visit is for your son's graduation. It's going to put the focus on her instead of your son, at least for a little while. It would make more sense for her to do a surprise visit for Christmas or Thanksgiving or a family member's milestone birthday. ETA: My post was based on the information in the OP, and whether *I* would do it for *my* MIL. With the extra information added in later posts, I don't blame the OP for not wanting to do it. Maybe she's planning on having another surprise wedding or vow renewal! Honestly why? This is just another thread that highlights that the vast majority of 2peas hate their families and wish they'd never visit. This has been the theme for 15+ years and by far the most confusing part of my participation here. Most people just want validation that they can reject their family and no one ever wants visitors and that's normal. It's really not for the vast majority of people, but this little world continues to validate that view point. I've said before - whenever someone says with family - should I - 99% of posters respond - no you don't have to. Lol. Not sure how you jumped from "no I wouldn't try to keep this a surprise" to "I hate my family". Just going by the information provided in the OP (leaving out the later information about how this woman always wants to make herself the center of attention) three things jumped out at me. One, what do you tell your family when you disappear for at least three hours to drive to and from the airport? (probably longer than that due to traffic, delayed flights, etc.) Two, how do you put a guest into a kid's room, no matter the age of the kid, without a deep clean? lol. I supposed if the guest REALLY wanted it to be a surprise you could say "okay, but you get what you get in terms of cleanliness/organization". ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/vmMiPltc3TRy0j3KZX2i.jpg) But if it were my kids we would have had to do a big pick-up from the floor at least so it wasn't a tripping hazard. lol And wouldn't you want to empty a dresser drawer or two for the guest? Not sure how you'd explain that to someone without giving away the surprise. And three, personally I don't think it's very considerate to just spring on someone that they have to vacate their room. There might be certain personality types that would just go with it and think "oh yay, camping in the basement" or wherever you're putting them. But I think for most kids wouldn't they want to get some of their favorite things out, and some favorite clothes, etc. so that they didn't feel like they were intruding every time they wanted something from their room. So no, not liking the surprise part does not equal hating your family.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 10, 2023 10:24:01 GMT
If she wants to keep this big surprise she shouldn’t commandeer someone’s room. Stay in a hotel or air bnb
And not because of the stress that puts on you, but because of the stress that puts on your son. That is a hell of a time not to have access to his own room. And without proper preparation as well.
Are you supposed to keep this from your spouse? That’s weird. I do not see how or why you would keep this a secret from those who live in your house. It doesn’t seem like that is going to work well
Anyway my comments or feelings mean nothing because I am not familiar with how your family is and you know them best in ways we just won’t. BUT, you’re here asking because you have doubts, obviously it doesn’t sit right with you either. Listen to your doubts.
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Post by gramasue on Jun 10, 2023 12:20:20 GMT
Why does it have to be a surprise? I would never think of inflicting that situation on any of my kids. You are not being selfish. She is the one creating more work and stress for you. If I were you, I'd tell her that you're thrilled that she's coming, but there is no way you can keep it a surprise.
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Post by elaine on Jun 10, 2023 12:28:07 GMT
Honestly why? This is just another thread that highlights that the vast majority of 2peas hate their families and wish they'd never visit. This has been the theme for 15+ years and by far the most confusing part of my participation here. Most people just want validation that they can reject their family and no one ever wants visitors and that's normal. It's really not for the vast majority of people, but this little world continues to validate that view point. I've said before - whenever someone says with family - should I - 99% of posters respond - no you don't have to. I want her to visit, I just feel like it would be easier if it wasn’t a surprise (and then is that selfish of me?). Do I think she can be self-centered at times? Yes. But that doesn’t mean i don’t want her to come. The post was asking whether or not to encourage her to not make it a secret, not discouraging her to come altogether. I understand that you want her to come. I also agree that you shouldn’t have the extra burden of this visit being a surprise. From what you have shared, it seems to be an attempt to capture some of the attention, when the focus really should be on your son and HIS graduation. I would definitely talk about it with dh and have HIM tell his mother that, while the whole family wants her to visit, that making it a “surprise” visit would take away from his son’s day/celebration. I would talk with dh about it as soon as possible. And then let him handle it.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 10, 2023 14:24:10 GMT
So I didn't tag any of y'all - perhaps my comment was directed to one of the other 50+ posters - or perhaps you protest too much - shrug - as I said it's a common theme here. OP keep it a secret, don't keep it a secret - it's really not a big deal.
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pilcas
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Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jun 10, 2023 15:00:27 GMT
So I didn't tag any of y'all - perhaps my comment was directed to one of the other 50+ posters - or perhaps you protest too much - shrug - as I said it's a common theme here. OP keep it a secret, don't keep it a secret - it's really not a big deal. This is just one of the many things we discuss here. Yes, in the end it probably isn’t a big deal but if we didn’t discuss these things what is the point of a board like this?
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Post by Lurkingpea on Jun 10, 2023 15:05:10 GMT
I think if she’s committed to the idea of it being a surprise, she needs to handle her own transportation and lodging. She needs to rent a car, drive herself to your town, book a hotel room and stay there. I agree. Won’t anyone in your family wonder where you are going for 3 hours when you are picking her up? I also agree child who has to give up room needs to know. Your MIL sounds atrocious. I wouldn’t be going out of my way to accommodate her.
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