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Post by Lurkingpea on Jun 10, 2023 15:11:17 GMT
So I didn't tag any of y'all - perhaps my comment was directed to one of the other 50+ posters - or perhaps you protest too much - shrug - as I said it's a common theme here. OP keep it a secret, don't keep it a secret - it's really not a big deal. Who do you think hates their family then? I don’t get that from anyone who posted in this thread. Seems an odd post on this particular thread.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 10, 2023 15:12:07 GMT
So I didn't tag any of y'all - perhaps my comment was directed to one of the other 50+ posters - or perhaps you protest too much - shrug - as I said it's a common theme here. OP keep it a secret, don't keep it a secret - it's really not a big deal. This is just one of the many things we discuss here. Yes, in the end it probably isn’t a big deal but if we didn’t discuss these things what is the point of a board like this? Well sure - I love a good discussion. I just continue to find it bizarre how so many people here really do not like their families and look for excuses to avoid them and/or create drama. I have a HUGE family - I can find no shortage of crazy people so it's not like I don't realize families are imperfect. I just also know life is short. I have a ton of family members I'd love to show up and be a little self centered at my kids' events - but that's not possible - so like many bring my own bias to these threads. As I said previously - the vast majority are more likely to tell the OP to tell grandma to stay the hell home and not bother her - it's how these discussions go - over and over again.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 10, 2023 15:20:51 GMT
So I didn't tag any of y'all - perhaps my comment was directed to one of the other 50+ posters - or perhaps you protest too much - shrug - as I said it's a common theme here. OP keep it a secret, don't keep it a secret - it's really not a big deal. Who do you think hates their family then? I don’t get that from anyone who posted in this thread. Seems an odd post on this particular thread. And I think it's beyond odd that 99% of posters can't imagine accommodating their MIL in surprising their family. Oh the horror of cleaning your room! Oh the horror of changing your sheets! Oh my why are they not staying at a hotel - I hate visitors - I need my space. She's a narcissist - she's a "peach." In what reading of this do you think people are welcoming a grandmother wanting to come to their grandkid's graduation? As I said - I get it - read this thread excited that grandma wants to come and you'll see the utter negativity people project anytime anyone acts about family. It's a great validation vehicle as I said. Do I go to the funeral, do I go to the wedding, do I WHATEVER - you'll get no shortage of I wouldn't bother and you don't need to.
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Post by auntkelly on Jun 10, 2023 15:55:02 GMT
I don’t think a graduation is a good time for a surprise visit. A reasonable person would understand a surprise visit is not feasible once the logistics were explained to them.
However, I’m guessing that your MIL might not be a reasonable person. Will your husband support you if you tell your MIL you won’t keep her secret and she gets mad? Will your graduating son be upset if his grandmother is upset?
I would weigh the possible consequences of making MIL mad and then decide whether I would tell MIL that a surprise visit out of the question. In the future, I’d work on establishing boundaries with your MIL, but your son’s graduation might not be the time to do that. I’m sorry she is causing additional stress in your life.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Jun 10, 2023 16:07:52 GMT
Who do you think hates their family then? I don’t get that from anyone who posted in this thread. Seems an odd post on this particular thread. And I think it's beyond odd that 99% of posters can't imagine accommodating their MIL in surprising their family. Oh the horror of cleaning your room! Oh the horror of changing your sheets! Oh my why are they not staying at a hotel - I hate visitors - I need my space. She's a narcissist - she's a "peach." In what reading of this do you think people are welcoming a grandmother wanting to come to their grandkid's graduation? As I said - I get it - read this thread excited that grandma wants to come and you'll see the utter negativity people project anytime anyone acts about family. It's a great validation vehicle as I said. Do I go to the funeral, do I go to the wedding, do I WHATEVER - you'll get no shortage of I wouldn't bother and you don't need to. No one is saying they don't want to change their sheets or make their bed. They're saying how are they supposed to do it while keeping it a surprise. I honestly don't recall seeing anyone saying they hate visitors. People were suggesting the hotel because how else are they supposed to keep it a surprise if she is staying there. Many people are saying she is a narcissist or a peach because we recall previous posts from this particular op about her mother-in-law. You yourself are doing an awful lot of projecting on this thread.
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Post by snugglebutter on Jun 10, 2023 16:49:43 GMT
I don’t think it is realistic or appropriate to keep this a secret from your dh or ds. I can’t remember from previous posts if your dh has a complicated relationship with his mother or if they just aren’t close. Either way, I wouldn’t spring a parent visit that included staying at the house on my spouse. He should also be helping with transportation if possible. I have lived a long distance from the airport and I know what a huge task that can be.
With MIL staying in your ds’s room for HIS graduation, I would definitely not surprise him. We have a grandparent stay in a kid’s room sometimes and it has challenges, especially for older kids. Graduation is a year out for us and I am telling family now that we will not be able to accommodate anyone at our house that weekend.
You will have to decide whether it is better to tell MIL no the surprise or have dh/ds play along.
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Post by katiekaty on Jun 10, 2023 17:33:15 GMT
Want to surprise DS? Arrive on the 8th and go straight the hotel, and then the graduation! And spend however long she wants to stay at a hotel! You can pick her up each day at 10 after the complimentary breakfast at the hotel and drop off at 7-8 PM each day. No one is put out and everyone is comfortable. My MIL knows the deal at our house. I am not her maid or chauffeur. She has learned to go with the flow and stay in a hotel as we all need space!
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Post by wezee on Jun 10, 2023 17:38:50 GMT
I’d go with it. Just do your best
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Post by librarylady on Jun 10, 2023 21:38:09 GMT
What, What??? Your MIL is my SIL?
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 10, 2023 21:51:22 GMT
Want to surprise DS? Arrive on the 8th and go straight the hotel, and then the graduation! And spend however long she wants to stay at a hotel! You can pick her up each day at 10 after the complimentary breakfast at the hotel and drop off at 7-8 PM each day. No one is put out and everyone is comfortable. My MIL knows the deal at our house. I am not her maid or chauffeur. She has learned to go with the flow and stay in a hotel as we all need space! If she showed up on the day of the party that would really make it all about her.
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Post by maryland on Jun 10, 2023 23:24:30 GMT
I would tell her I would try my best to keep it a secret, but in doing so, you can't tell the family, so the house may not be "company ready". My brother and I would give up our beds when relatives stayed with us, and that never bothered us, as it was fun for us to sleep in the basement! But my kids aren't as fond at giving up beds (so grandparents can't visit us).
Congratulations on your son's graduation! I hope it all works out with the surprise!
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jun 10, 2023 23:54:22 GMT
Want to surprise DS? Arrive on the 8th and go straight the hotel, and then the graduation! And spend however long she wants to stay at a hotel! You can pick her up each day at 10 after the complimentary breakfast at the hotel and drop off at 7-8 PM each day. No one is put out and everyone is comfortable. My MIL knows the deal at our house. I am not her maid or chauffeur. She has learned to go with the flow and stay in a hotel as we all need space! If she showed up on the day of the party that would really make it all about her. My son is in aviation training right now with the Coastguard and was unable to make it home for his sister's graduation or dance recital. My husband wanted him to surprise her and just show up if he could even swing a 3 day leave. My son talked to me privately was like, Mom, doesn't Dad realize if I was to walk in like that it makes it all about me and not her. He thought it would be disruptive.. sorry to digress ...
I do like the idea of a private surprise instead of walking in at the party.
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Post by dewryce on Jun 11, 2023 0:53:28 GMT
This is just one of the many things we discuss here. Yes, in the end it probably isn’t a big deal but if we didn’t discuss these things what is the point of a board like this? Well sure - I love a good discussion. I just continue to find it bizarre how so many people here really do not like their families and look for excuses to avoid them and/or create drama. I have a HUGE family - I can find no shortage of crazy people so it's not like I don't realize families are imperfect. I just also know life is short. I have a ton of family members I'd love to show up and be a little self centered at my kids' events - but that's not possible - so like many bring my own bias to these threads. As I said previously - the vast majority are more likely to tell the OP to tell grandma to stay the hell home and not bother her - it's how these discussions go - over and over again. But it’s not how this conversation was going so your comment seemed out of place, to me at least.
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Post by monklady123 on Jun 11, 2023 1:32:04 GMT
Who do you think hates their family then? I don’t get that from anyone who posted in this thread. Seems an odd post on this particular thread. And I think it's beyond odd that 99% of posters can't imagine accommodating their MIL in surprising their family. Oh the horror of cleaning your room! Oh the horror of changing your sheets! Oh my why are they not staying at a hotel - I hate visitors - I need my space. She's a narcissist - she's a "peach." In what reading of this do you think people are welcoming a grandmother wanting to come to their grandkid's graduation? As I said - I get it - read this thread excited that grandma wants to come and you'll see the utter negativity people project anytime anyone acts about family. It's a great validation vehicle as I said. Do I go to the funeral, do I go to the wedding, do I WHATEVER - you'll get no shortage of I wouldn't bother and you don't need to. Lol. I'll reply to that since I was one who mentioned cleaning. My point wasn't that it was a "horror" to clean. My point was how do you keep the reason why a secret? -- And "I need my space".... my kids had to vacate their rooms more than once for visiting family because we have a small house. But they knew ahead of time, it wasn't sprung on them as MIL walked in the door from the airport. For me it's not "oh no Grandma is coming to visit!", it's "how the heck do we prepare for MIL and still keep it a secret?"
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 11, 2023 2:59:07 GMT
And I think it's beyond odd that 99% of posters can't imagine accommodating their MIL in surprising their family. Oh the horror of cleaning your room! Oh the horror of changing your sheets! Oh my why are they not staying at a hotel - I hate visitors - I need my space. She's a narcissist - she's a "peach." In what reading of this do you think people are welcoming a grandmother wanting to come to their grandkid's graduation? As I said - I get it - read this thread excited that grandma wants to come and you'll see the utter negativity people project anytime anyone acts about family. It's a great validation vehicle as I said. Do I go to the funeral, do I go to the wedding, do I WHATEVER - you'll get no shortage of I wouldn't bother and you don't need to. No one is saying they don't want to change their sheets or make their bed. They're saying how are they supposed to do it while keeping it a surprise. I honestly don't recall seeing anyone saying they hate visitors. People were suggesting the hotel because how else are they supposed to keep it a surprise if she is staying there. Many people are saying she is a narcissist or a peach because we recall previous posts from this particular op about her mother-in-law. You yourself are doing an awful lot of projecting on this thread. All of this. Any time a family is hosting a big event at their house it’s already a lot to do and plan for. Then to add a house guest on top of that adds to the amount of work that needs to be done. Now add a “surprise” element on top of alllll that especially since it involves a lengthy drive to the airport and back and booting a kid out of their room without telling them in advance? I think that’s where people are drawing the line. It’s a bridge too far. I agree that no one is saying that it wouldn’t be great for grandma to come for the graduation and no one is even saying she shouldn’t stay at the house. What they are saying is that the OP would likely get more help from her family prepping for this big party and their impending house guest if they know in advance what to expect. I personally think keeping it a secret even from one’s spouse is a very big ask for such a busy time.
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