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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 14:58:15 GMT
About 6 months ago I took a Friday afternoon off of work. My intention was to quilt. But my phone was just blowing up. 2 phone calls from Chloe, text messages from my best friend, my mom and sister were having a whole conversation in a Facebook messenger group with the three of us. I kept getting Tapatalk notifications from peas. It was just so damn overwhelming that I shut off every app notification. And I have begun putting my phone on do not disturb mode quite frequently so I can get into the zone with my crafting or reading.
But when I turn my phone back on, it's like damn, I can't believe I had all of this going on while I was away. The messages, the voicemails, the emails, I click on an app and the notifications are overwhelming. I feel like I then need to spend a damn hour catching up on everything I missed while I had my phone off for those hours.
I don't know if there's anything I'm overlooking that I can do to minimize this. If you have a suggestion, please let me know. But I feel like back in the old days (just call me grandma) I'd wait until I saw my mom and sister at our weekly dinner to talk about all the things. Or maybe once a week someone would call on the phone and I'd give them half an hour of my time. But now it's like just because they can fire off a message with little investment, I'm getting inundated with communication. The past few weeks too, I've only been posting on Facebook on the weekends to shut that off. My email is so bad with advertisements and junk I'm just like over it.
I know this is a new era of the world but damn I wish we could go back to the way it was. Again, just call me grandma. đ Maybe this was a vent but if you have any ideas about how to insulate myself from a ton of contact, I'm all ears.
Or if you want to tell me I'm ridiculous and I should be grateful people want to talk to me, you can tell me that too. đ. Because maybe I just want to check out and think the world isn't spinning without me connected. But I log back in and it's like damn.
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Post by busy on Nov 13, 2023 15:07:48 GMT
I have most notifications turned off permanently. I donât have them on for any social media, theyâre very limited to VIPs for email. Messaging apps like WhatsApp and Signal are limited by who even has the contact info, and further by only giving me badge notifs, no banners. I also have sound turned off for all notifications except calendar, VIP messages, and Flighty (a travel app, because I fly every week).
Any new app I install does not get notifications enabled. If I decide I need them, I can turn them on later, but my default is no. I am far too ADHD to allow a bunch of apps to give me notifications that arenât essential.
So, Iâd recommend starting by severely pruning the apps that have notifs turned on and be sure they are only ones that benefit you and *need* to be immediate. Turn off Tapatalk. Youâll see the messages when you CHOOSE to come here. You donât owe peas immediate responses.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 15:11:53 GMT
I have most notifications turned off permanently. I donât have them on for any social media, theyâre very limited to VIPs for email. Messaging apps like WhatsApp and Signal are limited by who even has the contact info, and further by only giving me badge notifs, no banners. I also have sound turned off for all notifications except calendar, VIP messages, and Flighty (a travel app, because I fly every week). Any new app I install does not get notifications enabled. If I decide I need them, I can turn them on later, but my default is no. I am far too ADHD to allow a bunch of apps to give me notifications that arenât essential. So, Iâd recommend starting by severely pruning the apps that have notifs turned on and be sure they are only ones that benefit you and *need* to be immediate. I did all that. What I'm saying is that the communication doesn't stop while I'm offline. And when I log back in it's overwhelming to play catch up. In the old days people would wait until they saw you to talk. And now every time someone (my mother is the worst) has a random thought it like there's a message. It's frustrating to me.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 15:14:40 GMT
Or maybe I should ask, is it rude to not read all the messages? It feels rude.
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breetheflea
Drama Llama

Posts: 7,316
Location: PNW
Jul 20, 2014 21:57:23 GMT
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Post by breetheflea on Nov 13, 2023 15:16:46 GMT
I have an Applewatch, so I can see when my kids text me without needing to be right by my phone (teenagers who need to be picked up from sports practice.) What invariably happens is I'll be in a meeting or at a movie, and my mom and sister's will start group chatting... I had to set up a mode I can turn on where only my kids and DH will make my watch go off, it works 90% of the time. The emails are what are annoying me, I am on some school related thing where every time a teacher grades my kids' assignments, it emails me. I can't actually see the grade in the email, so it's pointless, and it's about 10 emails a day. I need to figure out how to turn that off! On Sunday I try to leave my phone upstairs, take my watch off, and go off-grid, I feel so rebellious
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 15:19:59 GMT
I'll give you an example. Yesterday I was offline for about three hours. I just wanted to drink some coffee and enjoy a book. When I turned my phone back on, I saw that my mom and sister had messaged me in messenger. There were like 14 messages back and forth about the fact that neither of them has a gravy boat and they were brainstorming what they could use to serve gravy on Thanksgiving. My mom could just have waited until we got together this Thursday and asked if anyone had a gravy boat. I simply posted that I had a gravy boat I would bring. And that set off another round of messaging about purses and how to cook the turkey and whether I had the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off. It felt endless. Maybe I should just not answer?
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Post by busy on Nov 13, 2023 15:20:11 GMT
Do you feel like you need to respond to all the messages? I never do that. I glance through them and unless thereâs something actually important, I just continue the conversation with the most recent message.
It sounds like youâre putting pressure on yourself to engage at the level others are. Iâd encourage you to try to let go of that. I let a lot of my momâs messages about her friendsâ latest health conditions, and other things that arenât relevant to me to go unacknowledged. She doesnât even notice.
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Post by busy on Nov 13, 2023 15:20:49 GMT
I'll give you an example. Yesterday I was offline for about three hours. I just wanted to drink some coffee and enjoy a book. When I turned my phone back on, I saw that my mom and sister had messaged me in messenger. There were like 14 messages back and forth about the fact that neither of them has a gravy boat and they were brainstorming what they could use to serve gravy on Thanksgiving. My mom could just have waited until we got together this Thursday and asked if anyone had a gravy boat. I simply posted that I had a gravy boat I would bring. And that set off another round of messaging about purses and how to cook the turkey and whether I had the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off. It felt endless. Maybe I should just not answer? Do. Not. Answer.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 15:23:26 GMT
I have an Applewatch, so I can see when my kids text me without needing to be right by my phone (teenagers who need to be picked up from sports practice.) What invariably happens is I'll be in a meeting or at a movie, and my mom and sister's will start group chatting... I had to set up a mode I can turn on where only my kids and DH will make my watch go off, it works 90% of the time. The emails are what are annoying me, I am on some school related thing where every time a teacher grades my kids' assignments, it emails me. I can't actually see the grade in the email, so it's pointless, and it's about 10 emails a day. I need to figure out how to turn that off! On Sunday I try to leave my phone upstairs, take my watch off, and go off-grid, I feel so rebellious I have that feature turned off of my Fitbit. I will feel vibration for a phone call but not texts. I also have my phone set that it will allow an actual phone call to come through from Chloe or Jeremy if my phone is on do not disturb mode. That's my only exception. I can get away. I can get the break and I take it. I am just overwhelmed when I log back in with everything that's gone on while I've been offline.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 15:31:23 GMT
I'll give you an example. Yesterday I was offline for about three hours. I just wanted to drink some coffee and enjoy a book. When I turned my phone back on, I saw that my mom and sister had messaged me in messenger. There were like 14 messages back and forth about the fact that neither of them has a gravy boat and they were brainstorming what they could use to serve gravy on Thanksgiving. My mom could just have waited until we got together this Thursday and asked if anyone had a gravy boat. I simply posted that I had a gravy boat I would bring. And that set off another round of messaging about purses and how to cook the turkey and whether I had the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off. It felt endless. Maybe I should just not answer? Do. Not. Answer. I should do that. It feels so damn rude though. Like if I was sitting face to face in a conversation with someone not paying attention or something. I just miss the days when we waited to talk until we saw each other. Not a single person here is surprised that I'm having a rough time with boundaries though are they? đ€Ł I totally struggle with not wanting to be perceived as rude.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,448
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Nov 13, 2023 15:36:24 GMT
My experience, is that the less I answer, they start to go away. Group texts bug the crap out of me, so I don't do them much. I have one with myself and 2 kids, and another with 2 friends. That's it. I have an extended family chat on Messenger muted, so I don't have to join (it's never important, ever). I skim through FB or here for 'likes' and make sure something doesn't need a reply, but that's it.
I have a friend that used to send a million messages in another group chat, and I stopped responding but once a day. She asked me why, and I told her it wasn't a priority for me to respond to them (they weren't important at all). She finally got the hint, and just doesn't have me in that anymore, and I don't care one bit.
I silence my phone during work, and it will only come through for my kids and fiance. Everyone else can wait.
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Post by busy on Nov 13, 2023 15:37:29 GMT
I should do that. It feels so damn rude though. Like if I was sitting face to face in a conversation with someone not paying attention or something. I just miss the days when we waited to talk until we saw each other. Not a single person here is surprised that I'm having a rough time with boundaries though are they? đ€Ł I totally struggle with not wanting to be perceived as rude. But if youâre sitting face to face, youâve CHOSEN to dedicate that time to the people youâre with. You donât ask your mom and sister to replay every conversation theyâve had since you were all last together and respond as they go. You engage in the conversation thatâs happening then. Youâre not obligated to give people - even people you love - your time and focus every time they want it. You get to make choices about how you use your time and attention.
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Post by workingclassdog on Nov 13, 2023 15:41:34 GMT
Just turn it off and ignore it. Easy done. You don't have to check all social media stuff.. let it go. Call or text family or friends on your time. I do it easily enough. I only have a few notifications set to on. I used to not have my phone with me 8 hours a day (due to a job). It took about a week to get through it. It was easy after that. If there is an emergency, well either you won't get it or find a way to let those get in.
I read back some of your responses... LET IT GO... you don't have to get into an all day message about a gravy boat. Let it GOOOOO.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 13, 2023 15:43:59 GMT
Maybe I should just not answer? Yes! Just let it sit. It's not rude to answer things when it's convenient to you. The example with your mom and sister, all of that could have waited, there wasn't anything happening that needed you to respond right at that moment. Once you do this for awhile, people will realize that you aren't going to answer immediately and they will get used to it. You've trained them to expect the immediate answer, now untrain them. 
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Post by pantsonfire on Nov 13, 2023 15:58:35 GMT
Or maybe I should ask, is it rude to not read all the messages? It feels rude. Nope. I have all notifications off too. I will even silence my message app for texts. I am of the mind set that if someone needs to get a hold of me they will call my landlines phone. Yes we still have one. When I take a break from my phone or am just overwhelmed I will not reply back to every message nor read every text or message when I grab my phone. I will get through them eventually. Nothing in this world is more important than my health and well being. If there was a true emergency my parents or siblings would call. Then I would act accordingly. But message here or on FB or IG or from friends or emails...they can wait. And I will get to them when I can. I see no need in taking an hour it more off and then being anxious that I need to respond back. That negates the break.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,493
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on Nov 13, 2023 15:59:27 GMT
I think by not responding that eventually they will get the hint and possibly tapper off thinking, Becki won't respond, so why text/message. If it is something of real importance, then maybe a voicemail. You will have to screen voice mails, but if you narrow or quit getting so many other messeages, screening voicemail might not seem overwhelming. There is a restrict feature in FB Messenger, but I think it only works on the phone. Unless its something of real importance, I would not engage and I don't think its rude, but rude on their part that they think you are at their disposal every minute of the day.
Also, maybe the peas could take note as well and not tag you unless its something of real importance.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 16:04:42 GMT
kelly8875 said: My experience, is that the less I answer, they start to go away. Well this is encouraging. Maybe if I stop responding that'll happen for me too. Fingers crossed.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 16:06:36 GMT
Just turn it off and ignore it. Easy done. You don't have to check all social media stuff.. let it go. Call or text family or friends on your time. I do it easily enough. I only have a few notifications set to on. I used to not have my phone with me 8 hours a day (due to a job). It took about a week to get through it. It was easy after that. If there is an emergency, well either you won't get it or find a way to let those get in. I read back some of your responses... LET IT GO... you don't have to get into an all day message about a gravy boat. Let it GOOOOO. I didn't respond to the remaining messages. Only said I had a gravy boat. And my notifications are already off.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 16:08:24 GMT
pantsonfire said: Nothing in this world is more important than my health and well being. Thank you. Just as I've adopted the slogan when eating asking myself if I'm engaging in self care with what I'm about to put in my mouth. It helps to see it from this perspective too. I like this framing.
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 13, 2023 16:11:00 GMT
I rarely go to FB and I have learned that it's ok not to respond immediately. In the old days (I'm older than you, jeremysgirl) we had a yellow rotary phone. If someone wanted to get hold of us they'd have to call us. As teenagers we might have spent time on the phone after school talking to our best friends, but really we had to wait until the next school day to talk to people. We had to wait until our next gathering to catch up. Now we live in a world where our kids socialize w/a headset via a video game. We all sit on our phones. Why? Do we think that someone will split the atom btwn texts? We are glued to our phones. Granted, they're very handy in case of emergency and video chats make long distance thisclose. However, it's all about peace of mind. You don't have to respond to every conversation or text. Having a phone doens't mean that you're at anyone's beck and call. It's OK to not respond. You can enjoy your coffee and book w/o your phone by your side. When you're done and you grab your phone, you can wait to read or just don't respond. Anyone who needs to get hold of you urgently can call. You can wait until your dinner to respond about the gravy boat. I don't think that having or not having a gravy boat will change the world. IKWYM. Sometimes I hate my phone, because I'm not into a chat or don't want to be disturbed. We all need a break from technology now and then and phones often.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 16:13:23 GMT
I think by not responding that eventually they will get the hint and possibly tapper off thinking, Becki won't respond, so why text/message. If it is something of real importance, then maybe a voicemail. You will have to screen voice mails, but if you narrow or quit getting so many other messeages, screening voicemail might not seem overwhelming. There is a restrict feature in FB Messenger, but I think it only works on the phone. Unless its something of real importance, I would not engage and I don't think its rude, but rude on their part that they think you are at their disposal every minute of the day. Also, maybe the peas could take note as well and not tag you unless its something of real importance. I appreciate that but I have everything shut off for peas. I actively have to go looking for a notification here. So do note that if you expect me to respond, I might not even see it. I think I have peas under good control. I e cut way back on a lot of my participation here too lately. Sometimes the only thing I participate on are the dinner thread and the craft thread. Unless I start something like this. I think I'm just annoyed because I shut everything down and it still doesn't feel like it's good enough, kwim? For a while there it helped me so much and then it felt like well I still can't get away. I want to be able to participate when I choose to. Like I do here. It feels like it's not a choice especially when it is my mother. Sigh.
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Post by smasonnc on Nov 13, 2023 16:15:47 GMT
I have notifications off for all social media. I don't have Tap-a-talk. With all due respect to the Peas, I check in when I want to know what's going on so I don't want to be notified in real time. I take an hour or so a day and go out in my "atelier" (i.e. grody art studio in the garage  ) and paint without being disturbed. I just need to unplug. I only give my real email address to family, friends, and a few other entities and I don't get notified in real time. Even that gets to be too much when I get several emails a day from Amazon or Viking for whom I had to cough up my real address. I get group texts when one woman wants to show off her crafts, her dog, her vacation, etc., and sends a text to 14 of us. Then my phone blows up. I don't read all the messages because it's mostly heart emojis and "So cute!" I love these people, but her group texts can be a lot. I even get annoyed when some random person calls me instead of texting. That means they want your attention right f-ing now and it's more important than whatever it is I'm doing. If something is critical or there's a lot to talk about, call me, otherwise send me a text and I'll get back to you when I can. God, I sound like a curmudgeon. If the shoe fits...
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 16:38:17 GMT
smasonnc said: God, I sound like a curmudgeon. If the shoe fits... The shoe fits me too. đ You know what seems to be totally crazy to me? Chloe is better at this than anyone else in my circle. That girl feels absolutely no obligation to talk to anyone when she doesn't feel like it. She has Facebook but is rarely on there. And she got fed up with what the algorithm was showing her on Instagram so she deleted it months ago. When she wants to talk, she calls on the phone and we have an actual conversation. Thursday nights my whole family gets together for dinner. Chloe also operates on her own time clock too. It never fails my mom wants to wait for her and asks me to text and see where she is. And every Thursday I say Chloe knows what time dinner is and never complains about cold food if she's late. If she's driving I don't want to text her. I swear my mom and I have this conversation every single week. Chloe just doesn't GAF. Yet my mom seems to struggle the most with technology taking her over.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 13, 2023 16:44:11 GMT
scrapmaven said: I don't think that having or not having a gravy boat will change the world. đ You know I think part of it is that my mom is alone. She works like 14 hours a week. She has no hobbies. So she's constantly wanting to talk.
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quiltz
Drama Llama

Posts: 7,086
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Nov 13, 2023 17:00:24 GMT
I'll give you an example. Yesterday I was offline for about three hours. I just wanted to drink some coffee and enjoy a book. When I turned my phone back on, I saw that my mom and sister had messaged me in messenger. There were like 14 messages back and forth about the fact that neither of them has a gravy boat and they were brainstorming what they could use to serve gravy on Thanksgiving. My mom could just have waited until we got together this Thursday and asked if anyone had a gravy boat. I simply posted that I had a gravy boat I would bring. And that set off another round of messaging about purses and how to cook the turkey and whether I had the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off. It felt endless. Maybe I should just not answer? Do. Not. Answer.
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Post by Linda on Nov 13, 2023 19:02:12 GMT
(((Hugs)))
I opt out of group FB chat messages asap - the exception being the various groups my immediate family (DH and 3 kids) have set up. I don't want to see 12 people responding with a thumbs up, lol. So 99% of my text messages are from those family chats...and we all understand that they'll be read and/or responded to when we have a chance. And normally there's nothing that needs a quick response - if we're waiting on DD to let us know she needs a ride - then I'm watching for that. When I do check - I'll skim - heart and download any photos and respond to anything that seems relevant. We'll all send a second message if we needed an answer to something and the person has read the message and not answered.
Actual text messages? Are one of three things - a doctor's office or the like sending me a reminder; SPAM (and I liberally apply blockl contact which helps a TON); or my best friend who knows darn well that I'll respond in my own good time and to phone if it's truly an emergency. I skim through texts at my convenience.
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Just T
Drama Llama

Posts: 6,145
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Nov 13, 2023 19:11:52 GMT
I deleted Messenger and FB from my phone almost 2 years ago. At first, I did just Messenger when I was going to Colorado because I wanted to focus on my kids and hiking, etc. When I got home, I decided to give myself a month without it, and I have never put it back. I can only get on messenger when I am on my computer, and I kind of love it. That may not be an option for you, and it felt so weird at first, but now, I don't even think about it. I almost always remove myself from group chats, too.
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Post by grammadee on Nov 13, 2023 19:15:00 GMT
One of my ddilâs has asked that she not be included in any group chats/ email or text groups. If we want to text or message her we send an individual message to her. She is a realtor who works from her phone a lot and discussions about things like gravy boats would drive her crazy.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Nov 13, 2023 20:04:50 GMT
First - HUGS! I totally get it! Its like when you go on vacation from work. You scramble to get ahead before you go and you always have to catch up when you get back!
With my close family and those I message with most, we have a hierarchy for contact that we all share. It gets checked and responded to in this order:
PHONE CALL - Answer - IMPORTANT / URGENT / I NEED AN ANSWER FAST / I MISS YOU / I HAVE A LOT TO SAY - Most don't leave a voicemail, they just text me the message if I don't or can't answer. If it's important and I don't answer, they will hang up and keep calling until I do! LOL!
TEXT - Reply or at least give it an emoji - IMPORTANT / NOT URGENT / I MISS YOU / PET PICTURES / FUNNY MEMES (mostly on a group text)
FB MESSENGER - Don't always expect a fast reply and maybe not at all! Shared content from facebook, memes, recipes, etc.
SNAP CHAT - Hahahaa! The kids know I don't know how to work it that well and mostly just send me pet videos. LOL! If I send them back more than an emoji, they are lucky I figured it out!
I have notifications on my phone turned on. I'm also in a couple of text groups with my DH and his buddies about NFL football. Lordy, those fellas are chatty! Hahhaaa!
Again, hugs for you!
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Post by dewryce on Nov 13, 2023 20:11:50 GMT
I think by not responding that eventually they will get the hint and possibly tapper off thinking, Becki won't respond, so why text/message. If it is something of real importance, then maybe a voicemail. You will have to screen voice mails, but if you narrow or quit getting so many other messeages, screening voicemail might not seem overwhelming. There is a restrict feature in FB Messenger, but I think it only works on the phone. Unless its something of real importance, I would not engage and I don't think its rude, but rude on their part that they think you are at their disposal every minute of the day. Also, maybe the peas could take note as well and not tag you unless its something of real importance. I appreciate that but I have everything shut off for peas. I actively have to go looking for a notification here. So do note that if you expect me to respond, I might not even see it. I think I have peas under good control. I e cut way back on a lot of my participation here too lately. Sometimes the only thing I participate on are the dinner thread and the craft thread. Unless I start something like this. I think I'm just annoyed because I shut everything down and it still doesn't feel like it's good enough, kwim? For a while there it helped me so much and then it felt like well I still can't get away. I want to be able to participate when I choose to. Like I do here. It feels like it's not a choice especially when it is my mother. Sigh.It may feel like that, but it is a choice. Youâre really good at prioritizing self care and setting boundaries with a lot of things, time to make this one of them. If Iâm not in the mood to chat I would have done exactly what you did, which is quickly respond about the gravy boat because it affected their planning, and let the rest go until I saw them next. Do you expect others to respond immediately? I think youâre probably holding yourself to a âhigherâ standard because it is important to you to be kind. Not participating in social media or chatting via text is not being unkind. Let the guilt go. You know if someone needs you that you can be counted on, those closest to you know it as well. If someone says anything, if you feel like letting them in, you can just mention that socializing/communicating via your phone is draining for you and you prefer to do it in person.
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