|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Dec 10, 2023 1:29:43 GMT
Do you keep it a secret? Tell them after? Ask why a certain relative isn’t invited?
I’ve been invited to a “Basketlady Family Cookie Exchange” tomorrow. I’m in a group text with several cousins, an aunt, and wives of other cousins. So it’s basically the girls on my side of the family. Except neither my sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) or my step-mother are invited. It’s just me from our little branch.
I’m new to a lot of extended family stuff. DH has been in the Air Force for our entire 33 years of our married life. We’ve never lived less than a day’s drive from family, so I’ve never participated in the smaller family events. DH has retired now and we live near all of our family.
I haven’t said anything to my SIL or SM, but I saw both of them today (separately). It felt wrong to keep tomorrow’s exchange from them, but I also don’t want to hurt their feelings.
I get that not everyone has to be invited everything, but both women are very kind and (I believe) well liked. SM has been a part of the family for 30 years and we are a family of widowers. So I don’t think that’s an issue. We don’t do a lot with the extended cousins and I’ve never heard of any drama with SIL or SM. Another cousin is not invited, but there’s a good reason for that.
Update--today was the exchange. I had a lovely time catching up with all the cousins. It was just the women invited, but my cousin and their little kids were also there.
I kept my ears and eyes open and not a peep was said about those missing. I realized that another cousin's wife wasn't there either. The more I think about it, the more I think it was just that part of the family that gets together and I was added into the mix. They were younger than I was and my aunt (who was there) babysat them a lot. The host has young kids and their kids remind me a lot of my own. Very smart and not always Instagram ready. She was asking me some schooling questions, so it could be that my aunt suggested adding me or that she (the hostess) was looking for some school advice. We're having lunch in January, so that could be it.
For those suggesting some drama, I can say with great confidence that SM isn't a bit like that. She is the nicest person that I know and a wonderful grandmother to my kids. SIL isn't a baker at all, but another cousin there didn't contribute or take more than a few cookies home. The mother-in-law of the hostess (another aunt who was DEFINITELY not included for reasons we all know) is the QUEEN of drama and we are all used up on that front and don't put up with a lot of nonsense because of it.
It's still awkward as heck to not bring it up with my SM or SIL. I'm so not a good liar! I won't lie about it if asked, but I won't bring it up either.
|
|
|
|
Post by cmpeter on Dec 10, 2023 1:33:45 GMT
I wouldn’t mention it unless they asked.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Dec 10, 2023 1:35:13 GMT
Are you certain they excluded vs. invited and unable to attend?
|
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Dec 10, 2023 1:54:16 GMT
Under the circumstances, I would talk to a cousin you feel comfortable with, and ask (as non-judgmentally as possible) why the SIL and SM aren’t invited. It may be something as simple as they’ve told the others (nicely, of course) that they aren’t interested in a cookie swap.
If there is some darker reason that you don’t like, you can always turn out to be busy that day.
I would have this discussion by phone, not text.
|
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 10, 2023 1:59:18 GMT
It probably wouldn't happen with my family.. we are all dispersed. But recently a subgroup of HS friends went away for a long weekend. We were limited by space, so without discussing it we just kept it quiet and off Social media.
|
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Dec 10, 2023 2:07:06 GMT
Are you certain they excluded vs. invited and unable to attend? Pretty sure. We discussed a cousin get-together with SIL today (the usual tradition) and I’m 100% sure that SM would have mentioned it. And they were never on the group text. |
|
|
|
Post by littlemama on Dec 10, 2023 2:11:18 GMT
Id ask someone you can trust who would also be in the know. Maybe they have stated in the past that they arent interested.
|
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Dec 10, 2023 2:13:05 GMT
Under the circumstances, I would talk to a cousin you feel comfortable with, and ask (as non-judgmentally as possible) why the SIL and SM aren’t invited. It may be something as simple as they’ve told the others (nicely, of course) that they aren’t interested in a cookie swap. If there is some darker reason that you don’t like, you can always turn out to be busy that day. I would have this discussion by phone, not text. I’m planning to do this! I see my aunt and one cousin (her daughter) once a month or so. I tried to run over to my aunt’s last week, but we both had to much going on. Some attending aren’t participating in the swap, (and SM is the cookie baking queen), so I don’t think that’s it. |
|
sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,704 
|
Post by sweetpeasmom on Dec 10, 2023 2:19:49 GMT
I would ask the hostess if it was intentional and what the reason was.
|
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Dec 10, 2023 3:10:22 GMT
Since you are new to a lot of the extended family stuff, I wouldn't say a thing and just keep my ears out. Maybe they don't want to do it or something has happened in the past.
I have several relationships with family/friends and there is drama and I just stay out of it. I'll listen to it, but I don't participate.
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,097
|
Post by used2scrap on Dec 10, 2023 3:54:43 GMT
I wish I knew, living close to extended family for the first time in decades is definitely a new experience to navigate. 😬
I’d prob casually inquire with the aunt or cousin I was closest to/thought least likely to be extra dramatic.
|
|
tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,382
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
|
Post by tincin on Dec 10, 2023 4:04:27 GMT
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Don’t hide it from them but don’t make it a topic of conversation. If you have fun you can mention to the group about bringing them the next year.
|
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 10, 2023 4:19:21 GMT
Depending on how they’re doing it, maybe it’s just an issue of wanting to limit how many cookies each person has to bring? For example, if you have to bring a dozen for each person participating it’s a lot easier to bring six dozen than eight or ten or twelve dozen.
|
|
|
|
Post by dnkmmw on Dec 10, 2023 5:30:37 GMT
I wouldn’t ask why someone wasn’t invited. A host/hostess can invite whoever they want and, as a guest, I think it’s rude to question their guest list. As far as who you tell, I would probably not discuss with it someone if I thought they’d be hurt by not being invited.
|
|
|
|
Post by compeateropeator on Dec 10, 2023 10:00:24 GMT
I wouldn’t ask why someone wasn’t invited. A host/hostess can invite whoever they want and, as a guest, I think it’s rude to question their guest list. As far as who you tell, I would probably not discuss with it someone if I thought they’d be hurt by not being invited. While I don’t disagree with this, I think it is a very different scenario when it is a family event. It is especially different/difficult when it is your immediate/side that is not invited. The more you try to not talk about it, the more you know it is going to come up or slip out. If you think it would cause some hurt if your SILs and SM knew you and been invited but they hadn’t I would definitely try to find out why they weren’t…as someone else said ask another cousin or someone in the know. I would want to know why, especially if it is something I feel I have to “keep quiet” about to avoid hurting people’s feelings. Hope it is “nothing” and they just didn’t want to be included and that you have a nice time. |
|
|
|
Post by Bridget in MD on Dec 10, 2023 15:15:58 GMT
Under the circumstances, I would talk to a cousin you feel comfortable with, and ask (as non-judgmentally as possible) why the SIL and SM aren’t invited. It may be something as simple as they’ve told the others (nicely, of course) that they aren’t interested in a cookie swap. If there is some darker reason that you don’t like, you can always turn out to be busy that day. I would have this discussion by phone, not text. I’m planning to do this! I see my aunt and one cousin (her daughter) once a month or so. I tried to run over to my aunt’s last week, but we both had to much going on. Some attending aren’t participating in the swap, (and SM is the cookie baking queen), so I don’t think that’s it. I would also ask, since it is family. If there is a falling out, then you don't have to know the details but at least you know not to bring up that subject. If they had flat out said they weren't interested, that's good to know! Do you know if the SIL & SM go to other family events? |
|
|
|
Post by grammadee on Dec 10, 2023 15:30:25 GMT
Are you sure they were excluded, or were they contacted a different way? I have one brother and a different sil who don't use texting for communication. For family events if I am invited I usually contact the originator of the invitation to offer to let those two know and extend the invitation, and am always told to go ahead.
|
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 10, 2023 15:56:44 GMT
I would ask. It's family, which is different than other types of invites. I would also want to know if there are issues that will crop up for other events if there is an issue you are unaware of. If you organize an event and plan to invite all these people, including your side of uninvited, will it cause drama? Now I'm of the opinion that I invite people I like and hopefully, if they like me, they can put aside differences to attend my event. But it really does depend on what's going on, and you won't know until you ask.
|
|
|
|
Post by supersoda on Dec 10, 2023 19:41:26 GMT
I cannot even imagine this scenario in my family. They are all so much up in each other's business, there's no way someone would be excluded without the whole darn family knowing what was going on, and no one would be shy about asking "what's going on with so-and-so" if they weren't in the loop yet. And this is one of many reasons I keep them at arm's length.
Since it is your branch being excluded, I would try to quietly inquire with someone you're close to.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Dec 10, 2023 21:11:31 GMT
I cannot even imagine this scenario in my family. They are all so much up in each other's business, there's no way someone would be excluded without the whole darn family knowing what was going on, and no one would be shy about asking "what's going on with so-and-so" if they weren't in the loop yet. And this is one of many reasons I keep them at arm's length.
Since it is your branch being excluded, I would try to quietly inquire with someone you're close to. Same. I honestly cannot imagine this happening and it being left a secret. Couldn't happen in my family. They are literally unable to keep their mouths closed. |
|
|
|
Post by Crack-a-lackin on Dec 10, 2023 21:55:51 GMT
Often these are innocent oversights. These are cousins that organized it, right? So step-mom is not their step-mom. Maybe they’ve been having this exchange for years but with you being home this year someone said hey, let’s invite basketlady but nobody thought about extending the invite further.
|
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Dec 10, 2023 23:23:43 GMT
I'm wondering if this other branch of the family thought to include you as you're recently in the area and either didn't think to include the others or knew from previous invites that the cookie swap wasn't their jam.
|
|
|
|
Post by sawwhet on Dec 11, 2023 1:20:06 GMT
I cannot even imagine this scenario in my family. They are all so much up in each other's business, there's no way someone would be excluded without the whole darn family knowing what was going on, and no one would be shy about asking "what's going on with so-and-so" if they weren't in the loop yet. And this is one of many reasons I keep them at arm's length.
Since it is your branch being excluded, I would try to quietly inquire with someone you're close to. Same. I honestly cannot imagine this happening and it being left a secret. Couldn't happen in my family. They are literally unable to keep their mouths closed. It's common on dh's family and it's usually us LOL. I remember being 7 months pregnant and at home with 2 young children on New Year's Eve. Dh had to work. His entire family got together for a NY party and no one mentioned it to us. All the nieces and nephews included. The only reason we found out was because I had false labour and needed to go to the hospital and no one was around. Dh was working out of town. He phoned his mother and found out they were all at his sister's house. Another time we run into dh's brother at a coffee shop. He was dressed nicely and asked why we weren't at our nephew's baptism. We had no idea this was going on. The entire family was there. I could go on at length....the wedding out-of-town that dh went to but our adult kids weren't invited. I had to stay home with our disabled son. The fundraiser for my disabled son's day program that so many on FB contributed to and none of dh's family. Thank goodness for good friends (and their families) who all supported ds. The funny thing is that they are all super nice to our faces and fake support for our disabled son. In many ways, I feel that our disabled son complicates life for them so they don't bother. To the OP, I wouldn't say anything. Wear a smile, participate and keep marching forward. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Dec 11, 2023 4:42:59 GMT
Often these are innocent oversights. These are cousins that organized it, right? So step-mom is not their step-mom. Maybe they’ve been having this exchange for years but with you being home this year someone said hey, let’s invite basketlady but nobody thought about extending the invite further. I honestly suspect that this is it. The host was a cousin's wife and she's so nice, but very casual. I'm going to see my aunt on Thursday and I'll ask her. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Dec 11, 2023 4:58:34 GMT
Update--today was the exchange. I had a lovely time catching up with all the cousins. It was just the women invited, but my cousin and their little kids were also there.
I kept my ears and eyes open and not a peep was said about those missing. I realized that another cousin's wife wasn't there either. The more I think about it, the more I think it was just that part of the family that gets together and I was added into the mix. They were younger than I was and my aunt (who was there) babysat them a lot. The host has young kids and their kids remind me a lot of my own. Very smart and not always Instagram ready. She was asking me some schooling questions, so it could be that my aunt suggested adding me or that she (the hostess) was looking for some school advice. We're having lunch in January, so that could be it.
For those suggesting some drama, I can say with great confidence that SM isn't a bit like that. She is the nicest person that I know and a wonderful grandmother to my kids. SIL isn't a baker at all, but another cousin there didn't contribute or take more than a few cookies home. The mother-in-law of the hostess (another aunt and was DEFINITELY not included for reasons we all know) is the QUEEN of drama and we are all used up on that front and don't put up with a lot of nonsense because of it.
It's still awkward as heck to not bring it up with my SM or SIL. I'm so not a good liar! I won't lie about it if asked, but I won't bring it up either.
|
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Dec 11, 2023 11:08:02 GMT
I think that you were wise not to bring it up. It isn’t your party, you didn’t send out the invites, and as you said, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
|
|
