It takes a village..

I totally get it. Unfortunately my brothers have health issues and live too far away to be of any real help so it’s all me.  Just had to finally move my 95yr old dad to assisted living about 6 weeks ago. It just became to much for me to handle alone.

I also only have only one son but I’m going to make sure he doesn’t have to worry about taking care of me.  When the time comes that I can’t take care of myself I won’t put up a fight about going into assisted living like my dad did.

my parents were only children and had to take apart houses not only for parents but for two aunts. as soon as they retired, they downsized to a condo and got rid of a lot. my parents bought long term care insurance, though they never used it. and my dad kept up a book of all the financial and legal information that may be needed. still was a big chore to arrange care at the end and to wrap up estate.

now my mother in law is in a care home and about to run out of money. we will either pay for it or sell her house. but even if you have siblings they may or may not help out. my husband's sister barely visits her mom.. even though she lives 1 hour away and we live 900 miles away.

so we all should be preplanning for end of life and not relying on the goodness of others.. even our kids

Our parents take care of us. When the tables turn and they often do it's sort an inner shock. If your parents can afford it then an independent living community can be a G-dsend for all of you. It's not the convalescent home of the 70's w/people in wheelchairs, staring at the wall waiting to go. They are modern fun places w/state of the art apartments and extra care. Mil's facility had happy hour w/wine and beer and a modern cafe for meals. There were field trips to fun places, as well as grocery stores and the mall. The place was packed w/activities and had a lovely media room where they showed movies daily. I was always impressed by how busy and happy the residents were. There was extra care, as well. For instance, she had med techs that dispensed her meds and she wore a life alert type thing, since she was a fall risk. Your mom would benefit from that. The food was good and the staff was super friendly and sweet. Dh and I referred to the place as the cruise ship. As your parents need more care there are places that they can go that are more like a vacation spot right in their own community.

This is the tough stuff and I'm glad that you have siblings to help. Rule number one is to take care of yourself before you take care of your parents. That means meeting friends for coffee or lunch, doing some of the activities that you usually do. If you're in a book club keep reading and go to the monthly meeting. That sort of thing. You are there for your parents, so rally the troops(your support system) and let others be there for you. My sister and I handled my parents care w/humor and my sil and I handled mil's care w/humor and in our case, a zillion jigsaw puzzles. It's very stressful, but it can also be a bonding time w/your parents and siblings.

One of the first things dh and I did when mil passed away was to buy our plots and make final arrangements, as well as rewrite our trust. We don't want our kids to have to make big decisions when they're already stressed out enough w/losing or having lost a parent. It really is a good idea to get all paperwork and final arrangements in order. PM me if you have any questions. BTDT.

I'm the only caretaker for my mother and stepfather. It's a major burden. And it's been the final nail in the I'm-not-having-kids coffin. My stepdad is older than my mum and already in his 80s. He's had some significant health issues over the past few years and I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. It's a lot (and I'm still in my thirties so still on the young side). It's finding appointments with specialists, driving around, waiting at the hospital, tag-teaming with my mother when he has a hospital stay, caring for their pets (birds, cats and a dog), calling doctors for second opinions, constant worrying, doing the groceries and weekly meal prep so they at least have something fresh and healthy to eat when they get home from medical exams + appointments, helping to clean the house, etc. Needless to say, he will not go into assisted living if it's ever required. He'd rather, and I quote, die without medical care at home. This autumn has been especially harsh. I've had weeks where I was home straight from work perhaps once every 4 to 5 days?

Fortunately, my mother is still in good health but she's had two tako-tsubo heart events since 2020 and a bad fall with back surgery during the pandemic. I'm trying to make her slow down and take less risks. I can't afford losing her at my age (I'm not ready and she's pretty much my only family) or having to care for her full-time.

Big hugs to everyone else stepping up to the plate and doing their best. It's important work but it's rough.

That is a lot! I hope they’re on the mend soon.