TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,840
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on May 5, 2024 14:50:47 GMT
My friends and I were talking last night at dinner and one of them asked…
Do you think there are people in the world you live their life feeling emotionally safe and cared for? They are happy and content as a default setting. They are mainly comfortable in their skin, home, and environment.
It was so interesting to me, and quite frankly sad how many of my friends said they could not even imagine that kind of felt safety.
Thoughts?
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Post by Merge on May 5, 2024 15:13:34 GMT
I think I generally fall into that category. There is a lot in the world that terrifies, concerns, and angers me, but in the context of my own self and home and family I am generally happy and content and feel safe - with the caveat that life is not perfect and we've dealt with some major issues. But generally, on average, I am content.
I am pretty ruthless about cutting out of my life anyone who disturbs my peace or our family's peace. And I'm simply not wired to care about a lot of the things that perhaps bother other people. And finally, I'm very fortunate in who I married. So that obviously helps.
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Post by lucyg on May 5, 2024 15:24:36 GMT
I felt that way until my husband died by violence. Then all bets were off, for some years, anyway. I would say I’m back to feeling pretty much good about life now, but maybe a bit older and wiser.
Admittedly, it’s always going to be easier to feel safe and at peace when you are financially comfortable, have a strong family/friends network, and good physical and mental health.
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Post by librarylady on May 5, 2024 15:24:57 GMT
I feel physically and emotionally safe. I am content with my place in life.
I have never been in a relationship where I felt physically unsafe.
Our marriage has had some low points but I never felt emotionally unsafe. I was not happy with the way things were going at the time but we managed to get out of that low period.
I think I answered your question.
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Post by katlady on May 5, 2024 15:36:15 GMT
I agree with the ladies above. Even though there have been ups and downs. I feel emotionally safe and content. I am a fairly laid back person, and while I still worry about some things, a lot just roll off my back. As mentioned above, I think financial security and family support helps too. I am very fortunate, while I know many are not.
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Post by gar on May 5, 2024 16:03:08 GMT
I would say that yes, in essence, that applies to me.
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Post by gillyp on May 5, 2024 16:30:04 GMT
I’ve never thought of it as being a place of safety but yes, I’d say I’m comfortable with my lot.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 5, 2024 16:50:07 GMT
I think for many people, life for the most part is like that.
There are also many unhappy, miserable people out there. For those people that is who they are, and for some but not all...nothing can or will change that.
My narcissist Mother is one of them. Deep in her heart and soul and core....there is a disgruntled bitterness that over-rules everything in her life. The negativity and disgruntled-ness exudes from her.
Life is not perfect. People are not perfect. Even for happy and content people......there are bad days and not great days.....because life in general and the external world....have detours, curve balls, WTF moments, toxic people(by that I mean toxic family members that are always around in group gatherings), etc...
For the most part, I am content and happy with my life. There are rough days when I am triggered or I am dealing with issues and baggage....but in general I am content.
I have put in the effort to make changes in my life and to keep firm boundaries (it's not easy to maintain boundaries, when toxic people try to break them).
The healing journey is not for the faint of heart. Wading through, sorting through, dealing with, etc.... issues, baggage , toxic people, dysfunction is not easy. The healing journey can be treacherous, but the result of the healing so worth it.
I feel like I have made it through the most treacherous parts, but my healing journey and maintenance will always be "work in progress".
My healing (and I sure others have experience this as well) has also come with judgement, push back and misconceived labels.
Standing up for oneself. Putting boundaries and limits in place....tends to ruffle some feathers. Toxic people don't like other peoples boundaries. Especially when there have never been boundaries before, and then boundaries are put firmly in place.
I have learned to be ruthless and firmly hold my own....which gets labeled >> not nice anymore, bitch, heartless and stubborn.
Thankfully, I no longer care what anyone else thinks of me and how I life my life. In one ear...out the other.
These days, my life is good and content....with occasional rough days.
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Post by flanz on May 5, 2024 16:50:45 GMT
I felt that way until my husband died by violence. Then all bets were off, for some years, anyway. I would say I’m back to feeling pretty much good about life now, but maybe a bit older and wiser. Admittedly, it’s always going to be easier to feel safe and at peace when you are financially comfortable, have a strong family/friends network, and good physical and mental health. AND... your life has not been upended by tragedy. (((( hugs )))) You always inspire me Lucy! <3 |
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Post by mikklynn on May 6, 2024 15:16:55 GMT
I'm getting pretty close to that place. I would have said yes, prior to my DH's cancer diagnosis and death. 15 years of constant crisis destroyed my sense of security. I am grateful to my therapist for helping me see how much trauma I have experienced and for helping me deal with it.
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Post by Zee on May 6, 2024 15:29:02 GMT
Well yes, there are lots of people like that. I would include myself in there.
But I don't really need anybody, I just have somebody and it's a perk but not necessary to my being content and comfortable with myself.
That's not to say I don't have moments of self-doubt, sadness, guilt about something, or whatever, but overall yes I am happy with myself and my life. I'm always going and moving, creating and working, less time to fixate on unhappiness. Even if I didn't have a husband who is fully supportive, I'd have lots of pets who bring me joy every day. Also they listen to me without judging how crazy I might sound. ☺️
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Post by epeanymous on May 6, 2024 15:33:18 GMT
That’s just not my personality, and I think that personality has a lot to do with it, not just objective reality. I do think I am working through a lot in therapy right now because I was raised with a father who was incapable of providing emotional support to anyone because of severe PTSD and a mother with pretty bad OCD (and no other close relatives), in a household where I had to handle all of my own matters from a very early age, so I have q more difficult time feeling safe and comfortable, and trusting people, or believing anyone wants to help me, than people who maybe had some healthier relationships. I am trying!
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,840
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on May 6, 2024 19:51:10 GMT
I am so glad that so many of you live that way. 🤍
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Post by Lexica on May 6, 2024 19:54:27 GMT
Unfortunately, I have never experienced this. I have had sporadic days of joy like the birth of my son, but for the most part, this hasn’t been a life I would want to repeat. I had a rough childhood, a bad marriage, and a horrible divorce even though I was the one to file and wanted it. My next engagement was to another guy who lied as easily as he breathed. I have a broken picker when it comes to a partner.
I did adore my parents, but not my sisters. They both have extreme jealousy issues and are basically not nice people. I always thought a family should love each other no matter what and always be your soft place to fall. My sisters never outgrew that childish fighting and mean stage, both to me and each other. It serves no purpose other than to be hurtful so I don’t understand it. I went zero contact after my mom passed. They don’t even know I left the state and that gives me some peace.
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Post by sunnyd on May 6, 2024 20:59:27 GMT
I recognize that a lot of my reactions to situations are based on fear. I had some core experiences in my childhood that kept me from feeling safe. I know it's my responsibility to fix that and I'm working on it. I am mainly comfortable in my skin, home and environment. Being happy and content are not my natural default setting. Do you think it's possible to change that?
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,719 
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on May 7, 2024 13:23:58 GMT
I’ve never thought of it as being a place of safety but yes, I’d say I’m comfortable with my lot. this ^^^ |
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Post by ~summer~ on May 7, 2024 13:45:04 GMT
I worry and over think often - but in general I’m happy and content and feel cared for and safe. I have to repeat I do worry - but I love my life.
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Post by KikiPea on May 7, 2024 14:12:54 GMT
I would say that I mostly fit that category. I do lose it sometimes, but for the most part, I feel safe and comfortable with my marriage, family and closest friends.
I do have dreams of being somewhere different, a little slower paced, at some point in life, but I love being so close to family and my best friends.
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Post by Texas Scrap on May 7, 2024 14:37:59 GMT
I recognize that a lot of my reactions to situations are based on fear. I had some core experiences in my childhood that kept me from feeling safe. I know it's my responsibility to fix that and I'm working on it. I am mainly comfortable in my skin, home and environment. Being happy and content are not my natural default setting. Do you think it's possible to change that? Just chiming in. I grew up and into adulthood with a fear mindset as well just based on a childhood with a very fear based and driven father. One thing I have learned and continue to learn is that while that upbringing greatly influenced my way of reacting to the world, people, stress, etc, every day I get to decide if I want to practice new ways of reacting, thinking, etc. About a year ago I was sharing with my husband in an emotional moment my own internal struggle with fear related to something one of our kids was going through. I was able to be calm and supportive with that adult child, but at the same time, I was really struggling internally with overwhelming fear and worry. I shared with him that I wanted to not internalize, but that I was struggling NOT TO. He looked at me and in a very gentle way told me that while that was a deep-seated reaction, I could, even at 52, begin making small adjustments and changes, that I was not destine to always be so fear-filled. That it was in my power and capacity to change. I realized in that moment that while this was not going to be an overnight shift, maybe I could start, in small ways, practicing a different way of navigating the hard things that were forever creating fear. So I have spent the past 13 months doing just that. I show myself a TON of grace (and husband has been super supportive in those moments where I am struggling), no shame or judgement if I get fearful, but also I am way more aware of what is happening in my reactions and am able to use meditation, breathing, journaling and self talk to process how I am feeling, how I WANT to feel and have really seen growth. One of the biggest helps, and this may sound "woo woo", is just visualizing how I "want' to handle things, feel, etc. So for example, my son had his senior grad party this past weekend. There were several factors that could create stress and I tend to get pretty "task master" driven in situations like that. I really really wanted to be relaxed, enjoy the party and not get caught up in stress. So I spent time daily the week prior thinking about what my usual feelings would be and what I wanted to experience. I thought about what I wanted it to be like for my son and for me. I visualized what it would be like to be relaxed at the party. And it TOTALLY worked! Having a mental model that I kept returning to all week really helped me let go and enjoy the party. I am definitely a work in process, but it has been so helpful with my adult children and just my own worries to come up with coping mechanisms that have helped me release the fear. Hope that helps! |
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Post by Bridget in MD on May 7, 2024 14:38:19 GMT
I think I generally fall into that category. There is a lot in the world that terrifies, concerns, and angers me, but in the context of my own self and home and family I am generally happy and content and feel safe - with the caveat that life is not perfect and we've dealt with some major issues. But generally, on average, I am content. this is how I feel too. I feel I am fortunate that I have this outlook in life. |
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Post by lucyg on May 7, 2024 16:10:54 GMT
I felt that way until my husband died by violence. Then all bets were off, for some years, anyway. I would say I’m back to feeling pretty much good about life now, but maybe a bit older and wiser. Admittedly, it’s always going to be easier to feel safe and at peace when you are financially comfortable, have a strong family/friends network, and good physical and mental health. AND... your life has not been upended by tragedy. (((( hugs )))) You always inspire me Lucy! <3 awww, that is the sweetest thing. Thank you! And you know, you are also an inspiration. You are sooo much more kindhearted that most of us.  |
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Post by flanz on May 7, 2024 17:09:05 GMT
AND... your life has not been upended by tragedy. (((( hugs )))) You always inspire me Lucy! <3 awww, that is the sweetest thing. Thank you! And you know, you are also an inspiration. You are sooo much more kindhearted that most of us. Love you! |
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Post by flanz on May 7, 2024 17:10:22 GMT
I recognize that a lot of my reactions to situations are based on fear. I had some core experiences in my childhood that kept me from feeling safe. I know it's my responsibility to fix that and I'm working on it. I am mainly comfortable in my skin, home and environment. Being happy and content are not my natural default setting. Do you think it's possible to change that? Just chiming in. I grew up and into adulthood with a fear mindset as well just based on a childhood with a very fear based and driven father. One thing I have learned and continue to learn is that while that upbringing greatly influenced my way of reacting to the world, people, stress, etc, every day I get to decide if I want to practice new ways of reacting, thinking, etc. About a year ago I was sharing with my husband in an emotional moment my own internal struggle with fear related to something one of our kids was going through. I was able to be calm and supportive with that adult child, but at the same time, I was really struggling internally with overwhelming fear and worry. I shared with him that I wanted to not internalize, but that I was struggling NOT TO. He looked at me and in a very gentle way told me that while that was a deep-seated reaction, I could, even at 52, begin making small adjustments and changes, that I was not destine to always be so fear-filled. That it was in my power and capacity to change. I realized in that moment that while this was not going to be an overnight shift, maybe I could start, in small ways, practicing a different way of navigating the hard things that were forever creating fear. So I have spent the past 13 months doing just that. I show myself a TON of grace (and husband has been super supportive in those moments where I am struggling), no shame or judgement if I get fearful, but also I am way more aware of what is happening in my reactions and am able to use meditation, breathing, journaling and self talk to process how I am feeling, how I WANT to feel and have really seen growth. One of the biggest helps, and this may sound "woo woo", is just visualizing how I "want' to handle things, feel, etc. So for example, my son had his senior grad party this past weekend. There were several factors that could create stress and I tend to get pretty "task master" driven in situations like that. I really really wanted to be relaxed, enjoy the party and not get caught up in stress. So I spent time daily the week prior thinking about what my usual feelings would be and what I wanted to experience. I thought about what I wanted it to be like for my son and for me. I visualized what it would be like to be relaxed at the party. And it TOTALLY worked! Having a mental model that I kept returning to all week really helped me let go and enjoy the party. I am definitely a work in process, but it has been so helpful with my adult children and just my own worries to come up with coping mechanisms that have helped me release the fear. Hope that helps! Wow! Thanks so much for sharing, and congratulations on your new found, hard won success as a result of your work over the past year+!!! I'm smiling down to my toes imagining you enjoying your son's celebration! And thank you for sharing this helpful tool as well. <3 |
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Post by wordyphotogbabe on May 7, 2024 18:31:39 GMT
Yes.
That's one of my favorite things about my husband: he makes me feel safe. My 20s and 30s were utter chaos and drama so after extricating myself from my previous marriage, it was very very high on my list to find a safe partner. We have recently discovered that part of my husband's specific ability to act in a way that feels safe to me and provide me with safety is because of his autism, and now it all really adds up for me.
Feeling safe, cared for/loved, and content in my primary relationship makes it possible for me to seek out and curate those same type of relationships with my children and my friends. I have a couple family members whom I cannot cut out but I have made my peace with that dysfunction and moved on.
My life is so full and rich now, and I'm grateful for that every single day.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 7, 2024 22:30:57 GMT
I recognize that a lot of my reactions to situations are based on fear. I had some core experiences in my childhood that kept me from feeling safe. I know it's my responsibility to fix that and I'm working on it. I am mainly comfortable in my skin, home and environment. Being happy and content are not my natural default setting. Do you think it's possible to change that? Just chiming in. I grew up and into adulthood with a fear mindset as well just based on a childhood with a very fear based and driven father. One thing I have learned and continue to learn is that while that upbringing greatly influenced my way of reacting to the world, people, stress, etc, every day I get to decide if I want to practice new ways of reacting, thinking, etc. About a year ago I was sharing with my husband in an emotional moment my own internal struggle with fear related to something one of our kids was going through. I was able to be calm and supportive with that adult child, but at the same time, I was really struggling internally with overwhelming fear and worry. I shared with him that I wanted to not internalize, but that I was struggling NOT TO. He looked at me and in a very gentle way told me that while that was a deep-seated reaction, I could, even at 52, begin making small adjustments and changes, that I was not destine to always be so fear-filled. That it was in my power and capacity to change. I realized in that moment that while this was not going to be an overnight shift, maybe I could start, in small ways, practicing a different way of navigating the hard things that were forever creating fear. So I have spent the past 13 months doing just that. I show myself a TON of grace (and husband has been super supportive in those moments where I am struggling), no shame or judgement if I get fearful, but also I am way more aware of what is happening in my reactions and am able to use meditation, breathing, journaling and self talk to process how I am feeling, how I WANT to feel and have really seen growth. One of the biggest helps, and this may sound "woo woo", is just visualizing how I "want' to handle things, feel, etc. So for example, my son had his senior grad party this past weekend. There were several factors that could create stress and I tend to get pretty "task master" driven in situations like that. I really really wanted to be relaxed, enjoy the party and not get caught up in stress. So I spent time daily the week prior thinking about what my usual feelings would be and what I wanted to experience. I thought about what I wanted it to be like for my son and for me. I visualized what it would be like to be relaxed at the party. And it TOTALLY worked! Having a mental model that I kept returning to all week really helped me let go and enjoy the party. I am definitely a work in process, but it has been so helpful with my adult children and just my own worries to come up with coping mechanisms that have helped me release the fear. Hope that helps! Thank you for sharing that. In one of the self help book I read over the years, one of the sentences-things said that resonated with me (and I can't recall the exact words), but it was something along the lines of >> The things we are taught, learn, are engrained in us during childhood, we carry with us through life.....unless we break the pattern and reformulate our thoughts. I have many things, behavior patterns, etc... that I've had to unlearn and discontinue. It's crazy how one or a hundred things and ways from childhood shape us or remain as part of our psyche. Good for you, for making changes and doing the work. It's not always easy, but definitely worth it. |
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,268
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on May 7, 2024 22:50:40 GMT
I think I feel as safe as I can be right now. I'm 5 years post-divorce with a lot of health issues that have really hampered me. I still have some things above my head that I'll have to deal with but overall, my family makes me feel secure and taken care of and I'm in a better place financially than I've been in a while. The peace I feel post-divorce is really strong. I never knew I could support myself and I do day to day. I even figure out problems that I would run to exH with. It's the best that it can be right now and I'm pretty content.
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Post by peasapie on May 7, 2024 23:08:47 GMT
I didn't always feel emotionally safe and cared for, as I had a husband who was a serial cheater and I had to keep things going smoothly at home until my children were old enough for me to leave him. That was a very difficult time for me, but I got through and now I do feel safe and happy as my usual default. I'm sorry several of your friends aren't in that place right now.
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Post by smasonnc on May 8, 2024 19:22:31 GMT
I grew up with a lot of chaos and negativity. My mom was very kind, but non-confrontational, and my stepfather was awful. After their divorce, my brother and sister were wild and she couldn't shut it down. There was always trouble. I was older and knew what I wanted so I escaped the turmoil. I feel like I got all my $#it out of the way early and things have turned out better than I ever imagined so I have a very joyous life. I live in a charming town surrounded by very positive people and I have an outsized sense of gratitude. There's not much that scares me. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and others because I saw how poorly conflict avoidance worked for my mom. I am pretty ruthless about cutting out of my life anyone who disturbs my peace or our family's peace. I'm with you. I "fire" those people. I refuse to waste any stomach acid on them. |
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