Being vulnerable here... Anyone wth estanged adult children?

I can only give my perspective as the child who controlled contact. I had crappy parents. It's not that my mom didn't love me, but she made selfish decisions during my childhood. My dad was barely in the picture. I saw him for the first time in 43 years last fall. And that's only because my husband pushed for it. I financially supported my mom the majority of my adult life, but emotionally I was mostly unavailable. My dad got nothing but politeness.

My mom getting her shit somewhat together once I was old enough to take care of myself was too late. I learned to do without her and it continued into adulthood. Some things become irreversible. I've worked hard to try and do better by my son and husband. My detachment is a constant struggle to overcome. I love them, but I am hard core "out of sight, out of mind" due to abandonment when I was 8. I'm superficially trusting, but I always have a part of me protected.

When I was younger my big grievance was that my parents have never acknowledged how their actions affected my brother's and my relationship with them, each other, and others. But, that was their choice. It kept them from knowing their grandchildren and us as adults as well. I'm indifferent at this point, which is sad for them, because they tried harder as they got older but I had moved on. My mom has since passed and my dad is alone in California with no family nearby.

ETA: sometimes kids just want their grievances acknowledged, fair or not. I would try not to be defensive or try to explain. Kids may not have the whole story. Kids don't understand that being a parent doesn't come with instructions. The goal is to move past this and work n your relationship now. But both parties have to agree. You may not want to or they may not. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Do they want more from you now or do they just want you to acknowledge their feelings? Do they have kids - I think sometimes that helps children empathize more with the struggles parents face.

I'm sorry that you are facing this. There is not much you can do besides acknowledging their feelings and letting them know you love them. Most parents try to do the best they can at the time - they may not understand this yet.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It does happen, and as a child who has had to set serious boundaries and learn how poverty mentality, neglect and growing up with a severely depressed parent affects us later in life. It's a little overwhelming to actually learn about those things. My mom (we survived, we didn't die) and dad ("good provider, for the most part") feel like they are model parents. I don't have the heart to tell them otherwise, and mostly just let it ride.

I learned what I didn't want to do/be through them. Honestly, it's taken alot of work. My brother and sister still live in the crab bucket that is our childhood, but as adults. I have lived far away, my entire adult life, and when I go there, it's like a bad dream. Mom, especially, has this way of picking at scabs. I had to teach myself how to cook and bake, I'm good at it too. She has this standard-ish sentence. Well, humph, when you lived at home you didn't know how to cook. Well, no. Because you figured microwaved hotdogs and chips were a balanced meal for us so you could get back to your tv, and you didn't teach me. (Mind you I left home at 17.)

Or, suppose I want to take my nephew to the children's museum about an hour away (because where they live there is literally nothing but ways to get shot.) I don't know why you'd want to do that. He's too young to get anything from it (6 years old.)

Granted. We didn't go hungry. We had clothes "on our back, and shoes on our feet." But I'll tell you, there was no joy. No warmth. No care. Mom's favorite thing to tell people was that for HS graduation, she got me luggage so I'd get the hell out. Ironically, I moved out at 16, 6 months before graduation.

She just thinks what she is saying is funny, but it ISN'T. It picks at scabs from stabs that she caused. I could go on and on. But, just too personal for me.

Anyway- the biggest thing I learned about being a parent from them? Don't be afraid to say I'm sorry. There is never, ever a tense parenting moment we couldn't have handled better. Even if it was perfectly human to react and do the things we did in the moment.

Other things that may be helpful here.. comfort your kid when they need it, even if it's for something that feels inconsequential. Things get bigger and harder as they grow up. Get over it, or figure it out isn't helpful. What's helpful is working through it, and showing them that someone actually does give a damn about what they care about.

Have actual conversations and allow honesty. Even if it's not the face you want to present to the world. Your kid needs to know who you are- and you need to know who they are.

Good luck!

I ambthe daughter of an overly critical, mentally abusive, gaslighting mother. Throughout my childhood I was provided for physically, but I was starved emotionally. I have grown up wondering why she even had us kids when she (to me) obviously resented us, and me in particular.
My siblings moved to other parts of the country, and they are cordial, can spens christmas together and whatnot, but she is not emotionally equipped to have a close relationship with is. It is all facade, looking good to the neighbours and being outwardly successfull. On the inside there is generational traume, every real emotion is sweeped under the rug and I cut off contact with her a few years back. I was 40.
I was still being gaslighted, belittled and humiliated at 40. I had had enough.
I had a Come to Jesus meeting with her. Laid it all out. My father and siblings were NOT surprised I cut off contact. She deflected blame on menfor things she did to me as a 5 year old, a 7 year old, a teenager. Like she wasn’t the adult in all of these instances.
She continues to be ‘baffled’ and ‘confused’ as to why I cut off contact, even though I plainy told her. But it doesn’t fit her narrative to be in the wrong.

For the sake of my children I could have forgiven A LOT of things I probably shouldn’t have. But she asks for no forgiveness because she doesn’t acknowledge she mentally abused me. As long as she keeps up this appearance of me being ‘crazy’ because she is perfect, instead of just acknowledging she fucked up, I will never let her back in my life. All I am looking for is acknowledgement. There is no going back and changig the past, but she does have the power to say she did me wrong and she chooses not to.
She is not an evil woman. But she has done some truly vile things, and said some truly vile things to her young children. And she will never understand, never admit, never acknowledge she ever did. Tht would make her lose face, and that pretty fave is more important to her than her children’s mental health and healing.

I have no idea what your situation is, but from my perspective you will come a long way listening to what they have to say, and acknowledging that that was their experience with you. I am convinced tht both my mother and tou dis the best that you could. But it affected us negatively. And you have to accept that, and believe their side of the story as truth (to them).

First of all, I applaud you for being vulnerable, dear pea friend.
I wish I had great advice to add to that you've already received about listening compassionately without getting defensive. 
Allow them to feel their feelings and encourage them to share  more.  And more.

I know from personal experience that really painful rifts between parent and child can be healed.  Hoping you can work your way through to a positive outcome.  

I'm sorry for your situation.  Thankfully all my kids are close to me.  My youngest who is dealing with stuff would probably be the one that could distance himself from us.  But we are trying our best to support him and be there for him as best as we can.  I pray that we will weather the storm and be close on the other side.  It's bad enough this all goes down in the teenage years.  But we cope.  

I was estranged from my dad.  Life was all about him.  Didn't matter what the situation was.  It was always about him.  I finally gave up trying to make it work.  He died over a year ago, and I still have no feelings toward it.  Not regrets, not sadness, just nothing. 

This.

Op, I appreciate that you are being vulnerable here, but your posts come across as being very, very defensive. My guess is your kids feel that.

If it was a problem with your SO I would bet money that your kids feel like you sided with SO instead of them. That hurts no matter how old you are.

Acknowledge it and apologize for it without defending it.

My kids are not estranged but one of my sister's 3 kids (a daughter I will call M) has cut her out of her life. So essentially, she has cut the whole family out because M does not come to holiday celebrations, funerals or anything. My sister is one of the kindest people that I know. Her life has not been easy, she got pregnant as a teen and married the baby's daddy and he was abusive. I know how many times she has bailed M out of trouble, mostly financially, but in other ways as well. She let M live with her while her house was being renovated after a flood and renovations took waaaayyy longer than they should have (especially when your husband is in construction) and M pretty much took advantage of her and treated her like shit the whole time. When M was finally asked to leave it got ugly and now she is estranged. Then M's stepdaughter came to live with my sister as she felt the household was abusive. My sister helped her get her live together as M and her husband did nothing to help this poor kid and now she is THRIVING. And now M is buddies with her dad, whom my sister had to leave years ago because he was so abusive. M's daughter tries to spend time with my sister but then M makes her feel bad for it. It's a mess and heartbreaking!

And my DH was rather estranged from his dad. His mom and dad divorced in his early high school years, followed by years of dad not always showing up for the kids for his visitation, not paying child support etc. His dad was somewhat involved in our lives as my DH got older, was at our wedding, would occasionally babysit our kids, etc. But then he ran into money issues and we had to lend him money on a couple occasions (that was never paid back) and his 3rd wife left him and I think he was mostly embarrassed because then we hardly saw him. When my DH's grandmother passed away his dad showed up long enough to throw a fit about not getting a full 50% of her inheritance (she left a small portion to her 4 grandkids) and then was gone again. He showed up a couple years later saying he was marrying wife #4, and we knew it was a shit show from the beginning. My DH went to the wedding and we invited him to our kids grad parties we but barely spoke to him for the past 10 years. A phone call once or twice a year and seeing him maybe every 2-3 years? The rest of the family can't handle his wife either and when my DH's 55 year old cousin passed away my DH had to call his dad and tell him they did not want his wife at the funeral. So his dad did not come either. (His wife does no know she is the reason he did not go.)

Then we got word a few weeks later that DH's dad was in the hospital and had been in there for a week already. My DH was at the hospital daily, sometimes twice a day and 2 weeks later he passed away. Of course there is no life insurance or money for a burial so My DH and his brother took care of the cremation, set up the service, I set up the celebration of life and we paid for that too. All this was hard to do because the crazy wife is the 'next of kin' and we needed her signature for some of these things so that made it even more difficult to maneuver. But he is gone now, we gave him a nice sendoff and he won't be borrowing any more money. And his crazy wife is not our problem.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so hard!

I started to post quite a few times but deleted it. I'm glad you posted this.

To the OP, I will say this as gently as possible...all of your posts are all about you and just sound like excuses to negate your kids feelings. Honestly, if they want distance, you should give it to them.

This is why my DS doesn't have a relationship with his dad (my ex) He always picked the side of whomever he was with at the time and didn't have his son's best interest at heart. I tried for a lot of years to mend that relationship but DS is 31 and has no regrets about not being in contact with him. 

Did the OP disappear?

I read the OP and was trying to articulate some words of wisdom as a dear friend is estranged from her daughter and it's a huge source of pain for her. I think blended families are hard in the best of circumstances. As you've moved on from this relationship, it's probably fair to say it wasn't the best of circumstances. I am sorry that your children continue to blame you for your ex-SO, but I do think acknowledging that he caused them pain and you're sorry about it without qualifiers might help. When an individual is already dealing with a society that doesn't acknowledge their journey, having a "forced" family member being unsupportive can make family feel unsafe. I also agree with a previous poster that family therapy might help all of you acknowledge the pain in the past and move on. Best wishes - being a parent is hard and none of us survive it without missteps of some sort.

OP if you're still reading, it can be very hard to hear that your children feel hurt by your actions.

I am not estranged from my child but my son and I had quite a rough patch and it was very painful, probably for both of us. It helped to sit and acknowledge his feelings without trying to make excuses.

I had no idea that he felt that his childhood wasn't the way I thought it was. It hurts a lot to hear that you messed up in their eyes.

I always thought they had pretty happy childhoods but they really have bad memories of the time when DH and I separated. I can't go back but we have moved forward. I got a genuine hug and an "I love you" just two days ago as we sat and talked, so I know we are in a good place. It made me well up :/ Feelings can be hard!

All you can do is let them know that you genuinely hear them and want things to be in a better place.