Divorced Peas - Did you come out better after divorce or not

I came out worse financially. We didn't start out with much so there's that. BUT in addition to splitting community property, you have to split the debt as well. My ex had a secret spending problem, so I inherited a LOT of debt. Fortunately I was young, so I was about to bounce back.

You are all so strong!

I was married for 14 years and left him 13 years ago. It took a long time for me to finalize the divorce, and he would never do it.

To answer the question, I am a thousand times better than I was when we were together. He was financially totally irresponsible and still is. It's so bad that he can't even manage a debit card and has to pay someone to help him. (Of course, this was an ongoing issue in our marriage, and he refused to let me manage the money. The one time he did let me, he then sabotaged my efforts, pulling money from the ATM without telling me. [This was before online banking.] He then immediately took over money management again.)

Plus he was mentally and emotionally abusive too.

I am much better off financially although I am not sure what will happen with retirement either. And of course, I am much better off emotionally and mentally and spiritually as well.

Lisa

In the end better, but you couldn’t tell me that the day of the divorce or for several years after. I needed to debrief and deprogram myself from the control. I think I began to heal when he said that he regretted the divorce and I realized that although I had fought the divorce I did not regret it.

It did take time though, to like I said, to deprogram myself. The peas were here for my painfully difficult 1st rug shopping a year after my divorce. I had stifled that part of myself for so long I had no idea how to make a choice. He was very opinionated on certain things and it just wasn’t worth the pushback unless I really hated something. So I hadn’t formed an opinion in at least 20 years.

Financially I don’t think I’m actually better off but not having to beg for every dollar gives me the illusion I’m better off. I don’t think I can retire.

Now several years later I am emotionally & mentally much better off. I can go visit family at the drop of a hat. I have a job I like, I work set hours. I see my kids, my nieces, my friends. If I were still married I know I wouldn’t be able to do all of those things.

Yes im definitely better off emotionally & mentally 100 percent. And that is so worth it.

Better, in so many ways. For a long time we both struggled financially but I worked and made better decisions.

You can and will get past it. It takes time.
One day at a time. 
Wishing you strength and healing.

Financially I was worse off, but I considered it the price of freedom from a jerk.

I hade to work 2 jobs to get by (and that included sharing an apartment with a roommate.) But I was free and that made it all a wonderful time. "What price for freedom?"

Financially - way worse.

Emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually, every other way - way better. But this took a few years to see.

financially, WAY worse. my mortgage was $800 per month and was under $100k. my current rent is $3000/month and average house price in my city is $1.125m (that would be higher in my neighbourhood where I rent and have lived for the last 30 years and because I have been in my house for 5 years, to rent now would be at least $500 more per month).

while I came out debt free based on the sale of our home, I will never be able to buy a home again. I try to not let it bother me, but by times, it really does, especially when I add up what I have paid in rent.

however, I have a cute house I rent, I am in a great job that I feel supported and like there is opportunity and I do more money than I have ever made (clearly necessary with that much rent!). I don't cry daily, I don't live in a state of hopelessness. I don't lay next to someone every night that I don't want to even touch me. I do what I want, when I want with my own damn money. And my kids are happy and healthy.

so I would say absolutely YES, I feel I am in a better place post divorce (context: we were together for 27 years, married for 17, split in 2017 and moved into my own rental 2019, although legal separation was signed in 2019, my divorce was just finalized last summer due to covid but fuckery by ex).

100%, this. For me, it was a small price to pay for freedom. 

Didn’t have much going in to the marriage. All I asked for when I left was my maiden name back and my dog.

Ended up saddled with half of a loan I received no benefit from. I was young. It was a Stupid Choices tax.

Fortunately, I wasn’t years into the marriage.

I mean, it is kind of relative.

I came out better now, but my retirement took a hit.

I was awarded 60% of the retirement accounts and we agreed to leave each other's pensions alone (thankfully). I cashed it out and paid off cc, bought him out of the house, and had a small amount left in savings. But...my only retirement right now is my pension. I'm SLOWLY adding to my work 401k, but I'll never get back to where I should have been.

My income was cut in half without his, but I have gotten a couple of raises and I work more than one job.
I don't spend nearly as much going out to eat or any at the liquor store (he was spending hundreds of dollars a month on been and other stuff). So, I have less money, but I get to control it.

I sleep 100% better without his snoring. I don't have to nag somebody to help do things that should have been joint responsibilities.

I found myself...and I like me.

The one drawback is I don't have a built in person to do things with like seeing a movie, going to an event, traveling with...

Thank you for this. I will get my own benefits when I retire, though, which will be more than his. Can I still get his? 

I am better off in every single way.

We rented with cheap and/or hand-me-down furniture and second-hand cars. We never vacationed unless my family was paying for most of it. Most of our clothing came from Walmart or Meijer (Midwestern Walmart). My ex and I slept separately the last 3 years we were together and hadn't been on a date in 5 years. I began attending a church the last 18 months of our marriage and just never told anyone there that I was married. He spent every other weekend out of town visiting his child/family/friends and worked while I took care of the kids & the house & worked 30 hours a week. The last year we were together, he used my bonus from work without my permission to put down a deposit on the truck he'd been wanting when our van conveniently broke down 2 hours away and just "couldn't be fixed." He told me that I should make the kids go outside more, do more chores, listen better, watch less TV, etc. and that I was a bad mom if I didn't. He told me the kids would grow up to be lazy and/or selfish because of my example and that I wasn't a good enough woman or wife because I didn't do all of the housework on top of all of the childcare and working. I stayed up too late at night, emotionally ate lots of snacks & junk food, and weighed over 250 lbs. by the time our marriage ended.

I bought my own house when we split up and a newer vehicle the year after. I increased my income by 50% over the last 3 years and have no debt outside of the mortgage and car payment. I met and married the love of my life, and we are spending 2 weeks in Europe in a few days. My second date with my husband was him coming to my house for the weekend and proceeding to mow the grass, finish painting my office, running my errands, and making me dinner while I soaked in the bath he drew for me -- and he did all of that without being asked and without complaining or expecting to be endlessly thanked. I am actually the primary breadwinner, and he was a SAHD for several months this winter and spring & we both loved it. My husband tells me every single day how much he loves me & how beautiful he thinks I am. He thinks I'm a great mom & regularly tells my kids so. There's nothing I could ask him to do for me or the kids that he wouldn't do and immediately. I've gotten control of my health over the last 18 months, sleep 7-8 hours most nights, and have lost 45 pounds. I volunteer. I have new friends. I laugh -- all the time.

My ex remarried immediately after our divorce was finalized to someone whom my kids don't like and say is mean and controlling. He still works a lot but when he's not at work, he's not spending time with the kids. When they are there for a weekend, the kids don't shower, don't eat vegetables, stay up as late as they want, never go outside, don't have any chores, and are on screens from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed. He still yells a lot, and I've been told actually talks quite a lot about me. Despite making at least $75K (I'm sure it's more but he hides it to avoid more child support), he is in enough financial distress to need to do DoorDash and UberEats on the weekends so the kids are often home alone. He used to vacation with his family but has told the kids they are mean to/bully him so refuses to go see them anymore. He is constantly trying to talk to my husband, who despises him, or my family at our kids' events as his family never comes and he has no friends.

It has been the best 3 years of my life and while I don't know that it's been his 3 worst, it has to be close.

I've been divorced long enough that my divorce is in high school lol

I am better off in every.single.way. Even the things I was petrified would be too hard, impossible, or even just had to be "life" - (he had me convinced I wanted too much.)

There was no choice but to divorce him, but the optics were bad, due to the way we had to go about it for the best interests of his children (that lived with us from his first marriage)/and the times. He was deployed alot over at least half our marriage. Can you imagine that a dude is able to be controlling from Iraq and also Afghanistan? He controlled the money. His best friend and friends nosey wife- who I thought was a friend, lived across the street. I worked (made more than him, but was still pretty new in career) and we were digging out of his debt/fixing his credit from his previous marriage, his ex didn't pay CS for the kids that lived with us. We had a new baby and I was also in college.

I went to all the older kids games, school events, and took 100% care of them. My daughter was in therapy for a while, and I arranged and took her to that as well. He was usually deployed and their mother was MIA both financially, physically and especially emotionally. The only times she reared her ugly, nasty b*tch assed head was to wreak havoc in my (and the kids') life because she was mad and jealous. She had kids super young and thought without them, she could build a better life and it just didn't work out that way for her. I also think she expected ex to fall on his face, and didn't count on me treating the kids like my own, and giving them more support, love and stability than she ever did. She still is mad and jealous (I got to be there when my daughter got married in a very small ceremony- she was only invited to the afterparty.) My daughter is 30 now. When ex was home, he was the dad that could be seen at all hours outside the house doing ridiculous levels of DIY and "chores." If there was nothing to do, he'd make something to do. But never did it include spending time with the kids, other than making them do chores.

When I decided to divorce him, I was scared to death I'd never see the older kids again. I was scared to death I'd have my own crazy ex to deal with (after the living nightmare that was dealing with his ex...) I was scared of being a single mom. I was sad my son's dad wouldn't be able to raise him fishing and hunting and learning life skills etc. Not that he would have done so (he made a whole other family, again, after our divorce and treats the wife and kids the way he treated us- so he put that fear to rest quickly. The thing about those skills was he had a very specific skill set, and I didn't want my son to grow up seeing his father rewarded for being a lying narcissist. When people are loud and super confident looking narcissists, the truth is that they are insecure as hell. If they aren't being fed constant praise, they get even more obnoxious, so people walk on eggshells around them and praise them, just to keep them from boiling over. The age difference between my son and daughter is such that he observed, first hand, the way my ex treated my daughter when she started (trying) to set some boundaries. My son has no respect for his father.

My son's dad is a "true American Hero Soldier." He plays the part soooooo well to the general public. MAN is he able to spin a tale! I got sooooo much shit for divorcing him immediately after his deployment. It was also "rumored" I had to be cheating on him! Even the women/military spouses that I thought were friends turned on me when we announced the separation.

The funny thing is, I was just as much as soldier as he was, only it wasn't my entire persona and my badge of honor I wore sticking out on my chest that entered a room before I did. I got out at the end of my enlistment to raise OUR family, including 2 kids that weren't even mine. I asked for the divorce and filed the separation 2 months before his last deployment. In the state we lived in, you are to live "separate" for a year before the divorce is final. What better way to live separate than with him gone for the next 14 months? He apparently didn't get the memo that he signed, that he wasn't supposed to "interfere" in my life and that we were to proceed, per the court documents as living separate and not married.

The catch that made it hell for me was that we chose not to tell anyone, because we didn't want the kids to hear/find out, and say something to their mother. Otherwise she would have made life even more of a hellscape than she normally did. Worse than that, it had the potential to destabilize the kids' lives and as bad as my ex was/still is in a lot of ways- their mother was worse. WAYYYY worse. So, for that 14 months, we kept the separation to ourselves.

Anyway... After Bush got into office and gave military a ton of pay raises and presidents continued with raises for the military, some serious promotions (he was concerned he wouldn't be able to reenlist because he'd been passed over for promotion for the 2 years before our divorce...) and stagnation of wages in the civilian world, coupled with the motherhood tax... the fact I accepted state minimum child support in a redneck state all rolled up into he ended up making alot more money over the years that his finances were of concern to me. Never once did he send an "extra" dollar to pay for an activity, apparel, or anything else for my son. He gave him ONE birthday (or Christmas gift- can't remember it was so long ago.) He also didn't bother to call on birthdays or holidays etc (I have the same phone number I had when we were married.)

But- I had control over my life. I had control over my happiness. He chose to see my son only a few times over more than 13 years of him being a minor, and I'm sorry I didn't pick a better dad for my son, but honestly, if we were still married building a shed or clearing a 4 wheeler trail would be more important than things that interest my son, so same same... I managed to maintain an amazing relationship with my daughter. In large part because her mother became a bigger POS as the years went on. He father remarried a girl only a few years older than my daughter, who basically wants to pretend he had no life, there for no ex wives or kids, before her. Sadly, the relationship with my older son tanked in the blow up. We began communicating a few years ago, sooooo many years later, and it makes my heart happy to hear his voice and be here for him. It makes my heart break to know what he went through for the last 15 years. I'm proud of who he is and how he has persevered. He has no relationship with my ex. I think they have spoken once in all these years. My daughter is the embodiment that love and parenthood doesn't require blood to be shared. I am so grateful that she has chosen, again and again, to be my daughter. I have loved watching her grow up over these years, and, although I was no where around when she was born, I have had a front seat to every one of her milestones, and she for mine.

These days, I'm in a relationship with an incredible kind, generous and thoughtful (most of the time!) man. He honestly does try (and succeeds!) to make me happy in the ways that he knows are meaningful to me. He is confident, handsome, successful, fun, intelligent, kind, funny, and we have an amazing life! His family welcomes me with open arms and I am so grateful for them. I was able to support myself comfortably for the 15ish years following my divorce and am now enjoying the benefits of a two income household again. Part of the benefit is being able to help my son and my daughter (and even my nephew) navigate some of the rocky difficulties of being young.

I have a great job. Motherhood tax is relatively paid, I am earning well, and enjoying the flexibility that my role has earned me. I feel loved, stable, able to be generous, and able to both smile and relax. I have taken up two new hobbies in the last few years, made alot of acquaintances, sometimes I may even consider some of them friends. That's the place I struggle. I have very very serious trust issues, and I was married to a narcissist that exploited every insecurity or emotion that I displayed. I have a lot of trouble opening up to people. My partner and I have had the best type of relationship to allow me to do so on my own time. He is an incredibly trusting, kind partner, and he is a fantastic communicator. He allows me the space to say nothing, often, and he also allows me the space to back up and restate something I don't feel like I represented well. Not once in nearly 7 years of being together has he said anything mean, cruel, or hurtful. I'm moving further and further along my emotional intimacy goals, but it is really really hard. Honestly, it sometimes makes me feel insane. My daughter and I talk about this often, because.. well, we have a very similar trauma.

The easy stuff (for me) came fast after my divorce, bought another home, freedom (sweet freedom) and started saving for retirement. Previously my "extra" was going towards paying off his previous debt, and paying for the things that he considered a good splurge. I didn't/don't have a need for atv's and new cars every 2 years - status symbols while we were in debt to cement his public persona of success. Of course he expected his military retirement, so me saving for retirement was considered frivolous.

What I'm still working on is trusting people. Not cheating trust, I mean trusting enough to be vulnerable. Aside from my partner, I only have one person that I consider a true friend, and she's on the other side of the country, and we rarely talk. She is from before that marriage. Otherwise, I just can't seem to open up to people and be vulnerable. I lost too many "friends" in my divorce. I also find I am very very controlling. Not of anyone else, but of me. I hold on to my power tightly. I am getting better, but man----- it's hard- and exhausting!! Luckily, my guy and I are both very very independent. We don't have children (his son is also grown) and we both handle everyday life really well. It really is the personification of "Men don't compete with other men for women's love/affection. They compete with her personal peace, space, and happiness." That is where our relationship just works.

So, I suppose after this whole book, which I kinda wrote out for me (maybe don't quote it if someone responds?) I think my divorce is the absolute best thing I ever decided to do. Period.

I am in a better space, in every way, even the areas in which I struggle. Some progress is better than continuing in the toxicity that I experienced for even a second.