sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,710 
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jun 16, 2024 21:40:55 GMT
Is it common for grave markers/headstones to get set without the family being notified and/or there? Mom's got set this past week. My aunt was the one facilitating it because they were the ones that also did my uncle's. We both asked them to hold off on mom's until Sept when we do the memorial. Well they set them both (mom's and my uncle's) anyways. I'm not mad. Frustrated that they did it after being asked to wait but not mad. My sister on the other hand is. She said she wanted to be there. I told her I thought it was pretty common for them to just get set and the family not necessarily there. They might be notified it's in and going to be placed but it's not a ceremonious thing.
I will add that my sister is probably feeling a lot of guilt for not being there for mom in the last year and half after her stroke. My sister is a recovering addict and there was a lot going on. Even when she was clean (and still is right now), she didn't come around as often as she said she would. In fact, she was supposed to see mom 2 days before we got the call she had taken a turn but she didn't go. Told mom she'd be there the next day, she didn't. Was supposed to go see her after church the day we got the call and well it was too late. So I think a lot of her emotions surrounding some of these things is the guilt she is feeling and taking part in these things might be her way of dealing with that.
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Post by compeateropeator on Jun 16, 2024 21:50:24 GMT
I am sharing a plot with my parents and we have had our stone set. No one was there. It was ordered and placed when the company and cemetery could. My parents may have been notified that it was going to happen (at least a time range) but I don’t think the exact day it was going to happen. The corner stones were placed by the cemetery first (it is a new plot) and then when the grave stone was ordered that was placed also.
Whether this is normal or not I couldn’t tell you but it was my experience
So sorry for the sadness felt by those who wanted to be there.
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Post by airforcemomof1 on Jun 16, 2024 21:58:23 GMT
I ordered the foot marker for my husband’s grave several weeks after his burial so the ground could settle some before it was placed. The monument company notified me that they had delivered it to the cemetery and sent a photo. The cemetery caretaker placed it. I went a few days later and then after the ground had settled even more I went again and notified the caretaker it needed to be leveled again. No family member was there when it was delivered and I have never known that to be a thing requiring a ceremony or a family member to be present. Sorry your sister wanted/expected a different experience. And sorry for the loss of your mother.
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Post by melanell on Jun 16, 2024 22:21:45 GMT
In my experience they set stones when the stone is ready and it's convenient for those doing the work. In some cases we were alerted after the fact, but in at least one case we found out by visiting the cemetery and seeing it there.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,449
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Post by amom23 on Jun 16, 2024 22:28:00 GMT
Yes I concur they place headstones when they are ready and the company has time. We were told our mom's headstone would be placed by Memorial Day weekend and the funeral home called to tell me it had been done.
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Post by disneypal on Jun 16, 2024 23:22:04 GMT
Is it common for grave markers/headstones to get set without the family being notified and/or there? Yes. They don't always notify family, since they know the family is expecting it. They just don't usually let them know when they are going to be setting it. |
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Post by christine58 on Jun 16, 2024 23:30:14 GMT
My dad's and my great nephew's were set the same day (dad died in Jan 2020 and great nephew at birth in April 2020). Great nephew is buried up the street and I saw the stone as I drove by one day. I called my SIL (grandma) and she let my nephew know. I did NOT go see it because I didn't want to see it before them. Because it was during the beginning of COVID, the monument place was way behind and they placed them as they were done without notification. I think my nephew and his wife wanted to be there when it was done.
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Post by mom on Jun 16, 2024 23:34:38 GMT
For our daughter, we used a local company and had not planned on being there. We have a triple headstone (me, daughter, and DH all one one) and the guy who was going to be setting it actually knew my DH and called him the morning that they were going to set it and asked if he wanted to come. So DH went but not because he had planned on it but because his old employee called and told him when to be there.
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,514
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Jun 16, 2024 23:44:15 GMT
I asked a friend...As soon as the marker arrives it gets put on the work schedule and is installed. They don't have the facilites to store them until family is available to attend. Plus if it gets lost or damaged the cemetery would be responsible to purchase a new one. If the marker is granite, it's very heavy and they may need a tractor to put it in place and they don't like using a tractor when people are there because they are driving over graves and that's upsetting to some.
At the last gravesite funeral I attended a year or so ago, they wouldn't even lower and cover until everyone had left the area.
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Post by eventhinker on Jun 16, 2024 23:48:24 GMT
No one was there when my husbands was set, and in retrospect I am happy about it. His sister was the first to see it after placement, and that was a blessing, she was moved by the look of it, called me, and we had a healing moment - actually changed my relationship with her.
Having worked at a church with a cemetery, I can tell you that the monument companies set the stones when they are ready and have staff to do it.
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Post by lisae on Jun 17, 2024 11:41:26 GMT
They did not tell us when they were coming to do my dad's. I suppose if we had asked for a call ahead of time, they might have, but it never occurred to us to want to be there. My guess is that they would as soon the family not be there telling them what to do. Most workers really don't want someone looking over their shoulder. And of course all the emotions. If you set headstones, would you want to have crying relatives looking on?
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Post by lily on Jun 17, 2024 14:31:26 GMT
Yep. The cemetery and the stone company work together and place it whenever it is ready and the weather is cooperative.
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scrappert
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RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jun 17, 2024 15:04:57 GMT
We just has my Dad's memorial, he was going the the crypt with my mom, so his name was already on the stone. Once we signed the paperwork and let them know when we were going to be there, they got everything ready and was done when we got there.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,710
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jun 17, 2024 15:06:53 GMT
Thank you guys. I feel better knowing this was standard proceedings.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 17, 2024 17:17:28 GMT
I've never heard of anyone being there when the marker is set.
The military cemetery did notify me after DH's was placed.
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