Self Care for Mental Health

I cared for my terminally ill DH for 15 years, now have a grandson living with me, and have to care for my 87 year old parents. I'm not gonna lie - I'm nearly ready to crack.

I am seeing a wonderful therapist who validates the trauma I've experienced, as well as the loss of my sense of self. I feel like it's never my time to live my life.

I also buy myself fresh flowers every single week. I am trying to dress nicer, as I feel more like myself in a cute outfit, even just running to the care facility.

Hugs, Judy26. I know you'll get lots of great ideas here.

I've found taking walks have been helpful. I love to see birds, though I don't know all of them, not even all the local ones! But I'm thrilled when I spot one I hadn't noticed before. Also, I immerse myself in my interests. Im crazy about history, and I read, or listen about it. There's boatloads of podcasts that help me in this. This has awakened a (crazy) interest in the history of polar exploration, something I never knew I had. I also like to crochet. I consider myself an advanced beginner, and I'm working on expanding my skills. I used to scrapbook, I had a major brain fart over it about 4 years ago, and haven't picked it up. But I'm thinking about picking it back up again. Only finite projects, no project life or weekly, but enough to keep me going with it. I don't know if this helps you, but these have been some of the ways I take care of myself.

When my brain/spirit is tired, I try to read books that are just gentle reads--no NF for learning, no sad/bad endings, no gory murders, no Alzheimers or grave illnesses! Often, I'll go to the cozy mystery section of the library and pick one strictly by cover and by the title--the punnier, the better! Alexander McCall Smith's book series-es are all lovely and leave me with warm feelings. The Beatrix Potter Cottage Tales mystery series by Susan Wittig Albert is also wonderfully light.

I have a whole playlist on Spotify that I've made called 'happy songs'--it's about 10 hours worth at this point, and I add to it whenever I remember a song that should be included. It's the perfect background music, and it sometimes moves to the foreground when I start singing along. The podcast "The Village of Nothing Much" is also super relaxing, and you don't really have to worry if you zone out and miss part(s) of it, because it really doesn't matter!

For me, my adhd means that I have about eight trains of thought whirling around my head at any one time. If too many of them are stressful, I tend to crash. If I can distract myself with at least one or two that are 'light' or enjoyable, it makes the rest bearable. And I've really had to learn that making myself better is not the goal, it's making myself happy--however that needs to happen. If something I thought would help me doesn't, it's the thing's fault, not mine!

((( Judy26 ))) You writing what you did and the added - I can’t believe I just admitted that on a message board ! ~ made just about all of us fall in love with you. We’re all human and in this together. And, we are there for each other 24/7.

What worked for me, when I was in a bit of a rut, was joining an exercise group that meets weekly. I was advised that having an activity outside the home to go to routinely, would give me something to look forward to. And it’s true.

My MIL is a depressed insecure woman with no self-esteem who stayed married to a verbally abusive chronic gambler who ruled the house with absolute authority. He gambled away entire paychecks at the end. Only her frugality and babysitting money kept the roof over their heads.

He died and left her with a mountain of debt and a literal hoard of stuff and an inability to do anything about it. I hope this doesn't happen to you!

DH for some reason completely unknown to me turned out to be a confident, non-abusive man. I wouldn't accept anything less but if he ever showed signs of turning into his father, or his mother for that matter, I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't have time to hide the assets.

You are so smart to handle your finances the way you have!

My late DH was good with money, but it's still weird to me to handle all the financial decisions myself. I'm so happy you are taking care of yourself.

You’re wise to look for ways to strengthen yourself. I learned years ago (in therapy) that I had to make time for myself daily. I was overwhelmed caring for my students, my children, my elderly parents, and my chronically unfaithful ex husband. My very first step in self care was simple: a daily bath. I’d lock the bathroom door and sink into a hot bath and it was like going through the closet into Narnia: 20 minutes of time just for me. At that time it was the only thing I’d done for myself all day. That started me on a path of understanding that I had to prioritize my own mental health - something you wisely understand. I added other things— reading, meditation, long walks with my headphones on and music just for ME, (not what my kids and husband liked), and most important, the gift of finding a kindred spirit friend who really got me.

More recently, I love listening to Julia Louis Dreyfus’s podcast Wiser Than Me. If you do listen to it, start with the episode with Ann Lamott - she left me with so many nuggets of wisdom from her own life that I listened to it twice. She talks about some of the things she’s learned in her 70 years, including to not feel you “should” always know what to do in life and taking one step at a time (bird by bird) as a path to embrace. And the other “older” women she interviews, including Carol Burnett, Jane Fonda, etc., each have nuggets of wisdom nestled into their stories that truly resonate with me.

I’m enjoying reading the responses and Judy26, I admire your fiscal responsibility. You sound like a smart, strong woman.

I took up watercolor painting. There are lots of tutorials for beginners on YouTube and Instagram. Start right off with decent paper, the paint flows right.

It’s super relaxing.

I was trying to follow a meditation app and it was helping me until one day I was just feeling done in by all the doing for others. So I dutifully did my 5 minute meditation for anxiety, ONLY TO HAVE IT END WITH ENCOURAGING ME TO THINK OF SOMETHING I COULD DO FOR SOMEONE ELSE! I literally screamed, I was so mad! So, erm, meditation helps but only sometimes!