Elderly parents - what should we do now?

Do they have long term care insurance, and if not, what is their plan for paying for needed care?

Not just their checking account, but all banking accounts. Look for statements from other banks or credit unions. We had to go in person with them to their banks. Updated POA and wills too. At their ages, it will help you all immensely.

They need healthcare power of attorney for each of them. They should designate one of the children and not each other. You will also need a durable power of attorney for each of them. You don't have to file that until you really need to use it.

One thing we were encouraged to do that we did not was to prepay funeral expenses and set a plan with the funeral home. I don't regret not doing that at all. It is good to know what they would like but sometimes you have to be flexible. I'm sure my mother would have wanted a viewing and her service at a particular church. But then Covid happened and we had to have a graveside service. Also, she had lost a severe amount of weight by the end and she would have never wanted anyone to see her like that. I did know what kind of casket she wanted and what funeral home. So I made the decisions that needed to be done under the circumstances. I had another relative whose wife died first. He had wanted to be buried but she wanted to be cremated. Since she had already been cremated, he decided that was what he wanted. I don't know what happens if you prepay all these plans and then change your mind. I think it is better to just make the arrangements when the time comes.

I wish my mother had kept her fall alert bracelet. She insisted on returning it after Daddy died. She wouldn't wear it but it would have been much better if she had had it when she did have a bad fall and no one was there. Of course, all you can do is suggest strongly, they may or may not be receptive to all your ideas. Go at it gently and good luck.

Trusts have other benefits besides taxes for those who would have to pay inheritance tax. Anything in a trust avoids probate which allows assets to pass more quickly and privately. It can also make it easier to manage beneficiaries.

Start a spreadsheet for yourself and whoever else needs access to keep track of things.

If you don’t have a therapist, get one for yourself. This is hard work and you will experience a lot of emotions. Physical items are very important to that generation and that’s just the truth. Start with something simple and try to have a place it is going. Like, my dad donated a lot of this tools to the local high school. My mom, fabric to a church that makes quilts.

Remember that you can only do so much. We just went through this with my parents. My mom was like an ostrich with her head in the sand and it made it so much harder on my dad. She just wanted to stay in her 3 story house and die there. We had to support my dad with the move because their doctor said that it was getting to the point that she was going to need to call the elder hotline. We told her over and over that was the choice. And she just refused. The whole way through. So…we did what we could. And then she fell and broke her hip and a social worker got involved and then she had no choices what so ever. We are still helping our dad sort through everything. The biggest takeaway my sister and I have is to get our shit in order so our kids will never had to go through it.

I totally agree with this. If you gently suggest they get rid of things and they aren’t ready, please don’t force them. My mother was a slight hoarder and passed away after living in her house for over 40 years. It took my brother and I over six months to clean out her 1200 sq ft  house to get it ready to sell. I have no ill will toward my mom for her stuff, that’s what made her happy and gave her comfort. I can’t imagine forcing her to get rid of her things as she lived the last of her life to make it easier on me. 

Have them put your husband on as many accounts as possible- utilities,bank, retirement, investments, etc. It will make things SO much easier to deal with once they pass away, and he'll have an easier time talking to the companies about those accounts while they're still alive. If the kids will be inheriting any investments, 401K, etc, put their names on the accounts now. Trust me, there will be a LOT this paperwork later!

Also, every state is different when it comes to wills and probate. In the state where my parents lived, EVERY WILL had to go through some type of probate, no matter how simple it is. No matter how uncontested it is. 8-12 months was the average time given for probate. My sister had to go in a few times, with forms us siblings had filled out and signed/notarized. Just because that was the state's requirement. She kept immaculate notes about each expense, each interaction with the people at Wells Fargo and Charles Schwab, etc. but it was a lot of work.

I am so lucky that my dad is super on the ball with this. He showed me the folder he has with all of the stuff listed, explained it to me and we went and got me POA too. I know I'm the executor of his will because my sister's financials are a mess and I'm quite a bit more stable. I know how he wants the money divided and what to do with his 3 houses. He prepaid his cremation and I know he doesn't want a funeral.

Fortunately, at 85 he is as sharp as he ever was. His walking gets worse every day but he is figuring out how to manage that. I'm pretty sure that his walking will be the first thing we will have to deal with- he had a multiple floor house so at some point we are going to have to do a one floor place and/or assisted living. He doesn't drive anymore but he is really good about my sister and I driving or using an Uber. He gets his groceries and other things delivered to his house. He uses Door Dash. He has a cleaning service. He has my nephews come over to do some outside and inside work he isn't good at anymore. He is pretty good on the computer and has no problem adapting to modern technology.

He hugely downsized when Mom died. His house is very minimalistic- I wish mine was like that.

This thread has brought up some other points I hadn't thought of, though, so I'll talk to Dad about all of that stuff after I get back from vacation. This is a good thread.

This also reminded me to leave a list of all of my passwords so if something happens to me my sister can take care of stuff. Not only that, I want her to get on 2peas and tell you all when I die.

Agency is important but so is being realistic. People should be able to make choices for themselves but need to consider how those choices affect others. My mother in law wanted to die at home. That’s understandable and reasonable. My father in law could not provide all her care. My sister in law wanted to take FMLA, care for her mom during the week and then go home to her own family and for rest on the weekend. The weekend plan? For me to come in and provide care, after I worked all week. Everyone’s choices considered their own needs and made a choice for how I would spend my time. The unfortunate reality is that choices affect others. Parents don’t want to downsize their stuff? Then when they pass away, they are burdening their children with doing it alone. Many of us will become dependent on our loved ones more and more as we age. So many fight this and insist on asserting their independence instead of accepting the changes and working together with their caregivers to make a realistic plan. I urge everyone to start thinking and talking about this long before it’s a reality. My parents on won’t sell their house, it’s too much land for them to maintain so my poor husband has our property and theirs to care for. They won’t even hire a lawn service because “they won’t know where all the rocks are.” I have told them clearly that when my husband feels it is too much to manage both, he’s done and they will need to open to other arrangements because their choice can’t just be “you do it.” My dad has a drop foot and is supposed to wear a brace, he doesn’t because he’s stubborn and “independent.” He doesn’t want it bother anyone but he can’t get how it’s more bothersome when he skips the brace, falls down the stairs and breaks his ribs so badly he punctures his lung. He spent three days in the hospital and almost needed to be intubated. And he still won’t wear the brace. The majority of my career has been long term care, palliative care and hospice. But no one wants to hear that kind of advice from their daughter. A good health care provider or social worker can provide the reality based feedback without all the emotions of being lectured at by your child. Every state has elder care services that can provide some advice, talking points and support but the available supports are much less than people anticipate and a good plan is crucial.

I disagree, but maybe your attorney is referencing a different type of trust.

I am a social worker and my husband is a retired firefighter and we are not people of financial means. Our main asset is our house which has a mortgage. We have a revocable trust.

To the OP, honestly, I would suggest speaking with your parents about making an appointment with the family law attorney who did their will while you are in town. Or if that attorney isn’t practicing any longer, perhaps another attorney in that firm.

People’s estate planning changes throughout their life. Part of the appointment is they will need to list various assets and things they own, bank accounts, insurance policies, etc. ahead of time. We had a checklist of things to do after the appointment and after we signed our trust and will, POAs, etc. to list beneficiaries.

You have good advice, but I think an appointment with your parents with their attorney is helpful to start the process. Drive them there. Sit in the lobby at the beginning unless they ask you to join.

Most people take advice from their attorney better than from family.

Everyone has given such great advice, I don't have anything new to add, but I will say this.

The greatest thing my parents did for us kids was going to the funeral home and picking out and pre-paying for everything. All we had to go was go over the paperwork and give details for the obituary.

This was especially helpful because after my dad passed, my brothers were not just unhelpful, they didn't bother to come into town until a couple of hours before rhe viewing at the funeral home. Asshats.

MIL had a burial policy, but she didn't make any choices, and so we had to sit there and make way too many decisions and deal with the person trying to upsell things. So difficult.

I keep telling DH we need to do this for our children (although he has a burial policy through the same place MIL had, so it is just me that needs to do this).

I will always be grateful that my parents spared us that difficult task.

If you parents get a trust, the trust can be listed as the beneficiary of all the bank accounts. Then with a death certificate, the trustee is able to access the accounts, etc.

My dad passed away in late 2022. THe house, cars, boat, bank accounts, investments, etc were all either owned by the trust or the trust was the beneficiary. We had no issues with anything.