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Post by monklady123 on Jun 27, 2024 14:00:29 GMT
The thread about college financial aid and adult kids got me to thinking. For those of you who tried not to do too much for your kids, is there anything that you ended up doing anyway? In this house we always had consequences for things, and my kids are old enough that there were still deadlines in high school (now they seem to be allowed to turn things in at any time up to the last minute before grades are due...makes it difficult for teachers). And we always had chores for them, and they did things like their own laundry from an early age, had their own bank accounts, had a "beginner's" credit card in high school (that we had to sign for since they were under 18, but it was their responsibility), etc. But I was remembering a few times when I did intervene. One pretty significant. That was when ds was a senior in high school. We had unenrolled him from the high school and enrolled him in the county alternative school that was geared toward just getting kids their diplomas, and had accommodations for kids who were working and trying to help their families (not ds, obviously, but there are a lot of immigrant kids in this area who often have way more responsibilities than they should at that age). Anyway, ds researched this school, and asked if he could do it for senior year because he just hated school so much. At his old high school he would have been required to take seven classes, when he only needed two more to graduate. At the alternative school he could take only those two, English and some kind of history. He finished the history because he loves history. He dragged and dragged and DRAGGED his feet on that darn English class. Then he started talking about just dropping it and taking the GED at some point. I knew that the GED would be harder than just sucking it up and finishing the English class. So I literally sat with my laptop and read out each question to him on the assignments that were left, and for things he had to write I had him talk and I typed. He's always been a good talker (and is now an excellent writer) so I really did just type his stuff and didn't do much editing. Dh and I just wanted him to get his diploma!  (fast forward to a few months ago when he received his Master's degree in Public History, with honors... darn kids.) I don't regret doing this for him. I had a few other more minor things along the way...like the time ds was sick on a state testing day in middle school. He came home a few days later to say that he'd been told he couldn't go on the band trip to Hershey Park for the inter-state band competition. The one that the band had been practicing for for months. The one where they did not have a really big brass section and ds and his trumpet would have been missed. Ds said he'd tried to tell all that to the counselor but she said no. Nope. I called the school, pointed out how unfair that was to the band teacher, and informed them that ds would be going to Hershey Park and they should let me know when they wanted him to make up the test. I had to go up the ladder a few times but I won in the end. And I did call the university once for dd. She and her suite mates -- four of them, two in each room with a common room in between -- came back after winter break to discover that the rooms were freezing. The heat would come on but hardly any actual heat came out. They reported it with the online form, nothing happened. They called, nothing happened. The school told them that the unit was "functioning, we can see it on the monitors" or something. One of the other moms suggested that the girls get a thermometer and take a photo of the room temperature. This went on for two days, in the middle of winter. Finally dd called me to ask what else I thought they should do. Meanwhile the other girls were asking their moms. All four of us moms called the school, explained that this was ridiculous, that they needed to send someone over to the suite to feel for themselves that even if the unit was "functioning" it wasn't really.  Guess what? Fixed by that afternoon. sheesh. Well, those are my stories that came to me while I was reading that other thread. What are yours? |
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Post by peano on Jun 27, 2024 14:14:19 GMT
DS's elementary school (K-5) didn't have a cafeteria so kids ate lunch in the classroom. Each grade had one peanut-free classroom. DS has a sensory disorder which included a lot of food aversions at the time. He literally lived on peanut butter, yogurt and juice, so every year I wrote a letter to the principal requesting that DS not be placed in the peanut free classroom.
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Post by Linda on Jun 27, 2024 14:21:50 GMT
The big one that my kids remember and talk about was when my oldest was in high school and my youngest (now a senior) was a baby. Oldest got put in a video production elective - it wasn't one of his requested options but the bigger problem was that the teacher was teaching it AND a yearbook class and her focus was 100% on the the yearbook class so she sent the video kids to the library and they basically did nothing. We went to the open house a couple of weeks into the school year and the teacher spent the whole time discussing yearbook and when we asked specifically about the plan for the video class she blew us off.
Talked to the guidence counsellor who basically shrugged her shoulders and said there wasn't anything that could be done. Called the principal several times without a response and finally left a message that if we didn't hear back from him by the end of that school day, we would be escalating to the school board. He called us back and apparently the only other class he could switch ds into was weight training - fine - he needs a PE credit and at least he'll be doing something productive.
And my kids still talk about the time we threatened the principal...lol. my youngest DD17 got put in drama her freshman year and she was all NOPE (it wasn't her thing and there were required afterschool practise and plays which isn't OUR thing) and she was all can you go mama bear like you did for DS and get me switched. I told her to email her guidence counsellor first and to check with the academic team coach (who had already recruited her) to see if she could switch into one of his sophomore classes instead. I didn't have to go mama bear but I would have if she wasn't able to get it dealt with.
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breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,379 
Location: PNW
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Post by breetheflea on Jun 27, 2024 14:23:04 GMT
Several times I've had to contact the high school counselor because she was not answering emails or phone calls from my children about issues with their schedules (wrong classes listed, classes in person at the community college (Running Start) and the high school at the same time etc.) I sent an email or called, and instant response...
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Post by mcjunkin on Jun 27, 2024 14:43:13 GMT
We homeschooled both kids all the way through. When we got to Chemistry, I told my DS if he would look through the textbook I would give him an 80 for the class. I hated Chemistry, he was not headed toward any science field and could not have cared less, and it was not worth it to me to go through the battle of getting him through that. He is a good kid, worked almost full time hours for my husband and our small business while he finished up high school, paid his own bills for his truck and fun money. I felt like he earned that break.
The same DS had no interest in a 4 year college degree, but went to a Welding School after he graduated. He worked a full time job 7:30-4:30 every day, went to welding school 4 nights each week from 5:00-11:00, with a 40 min drive to get home after that every night. I was impressed with the time commitment this took, so I packed his lunch and supper-two meals for each day--every day until he got done with the welding school. He would've been packing two meals every morning at 5 am or every night at midnight, or paying for two fast food meals every day. Any other time, fast food came out of his "fun money" that he earned himself. But we wanted to support his efforts.
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Post by ntsf on Jun 27, 2024 15:01:25 GMT
son was not passing chemistry and we met with teacher and counselor. teacher more worried about getting her special teaching certificate.. implied dh and I couldn't understand chemistry, didn't bring her grade book. and blew us off.
now we know son has adhd.. not picked up when we did a private evaluation at that time..
my kids are in their 30's.. and what they say now is the most important things we did were 1. train them to ask questions without fear, 2. not really punish for mistakes, but punish the lies and the coverup. as adults, they find this the most useful.. able to speak up, admit when things are going wrong, and ask plenty of questions.
I have an adult child with autism, and I still help her dealing with bureaucracy.. she just gets frozen. but she knows I am willing to help, help her plan what to say and who to call, etc. she has development many skills in this area, but it is tough.
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Post by Zee on Jun 27, 2024 20:48:17 GMT
We homeschooled both kids all the way through. When we got to Chemistry, I told my DS if he would look through the textbook I would give him an 80 for the class. I hated Chemistry, he was not headed toward any science field and could not have cared less, and it was not worth it to me to go through the battle of getting him through that. He is a good kid, worked almost full time hours for my husband and our small business while he finished up high school, paid his own bills for his truck and fun money. I felt like he earned that break. The same DS had no interest in a 4 year college degree, but went to a Welding School after he graduated. He worked a full time job 7:30-4:30 every day, went to welding school 4 nights each week from 5:00-11:00, with a 40 min drive to get home after that every night. I was impressed with the time commitment this took, so I packed his lunch and supper-two meals for each day--every day until he got done with the welding school. He would've been packing two meals every morning at 5 am or every night at midnight, or paying for two fast food meals every day. Any other time, fast food came out of his "fun money" that he earned himself. But we wanted to support his efforts. I can't imagine giving a kid a passing grade for a class he didn't take. Wow...I am actually shocked that a pea would admit to that, too. |
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Post by Merge on Jun 27, 2024 21:12:15 GMT
My oldest is 23 and largely self-sufficient, but she has some mental health challenges that affect her executive function and ability to cope with some of life's challenges. She has had therapy and is on meds and is getting better, but I still help her a lot. I'm going to her place on Saturday to help her clean out her closet. She finds those larger tasks overwhelming and can't see the steps needed to get from beginning to end. I've also stepped in to help when she had a long list of things she needed to do to/for her car and just couldn't seem to get started.
So mom is still momming, for now.
She holds down a good job and pays her own rent, and is getting her life together bit by bit after a very rough last year in college and first year out of it. I don't think throwing her in the deep end by withdrawing assistance right now would serve any purpose at all.
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Post by malibou on Jun 27, 2024 21:45:24 GMT
Ds had a 6000 year old math teacher in 7th grade, and a 7000 year old math teacher in 8th grade. Both teachers did not like him and it was obvious to everyone that something was amiss. His English teacher called a meeting to discuss how bad it was because she was hearing stories from other kids about ds getting called a liar and a cheater. Ds is a math kid for sure and these 2 nearly sucked the life out of him. After each year was over, armed with loads of evidence, I asked that those teachers be removed and even said that if they were back the following years I would make it my life goal to see that they were fired. Neither one returned. Ds sailed thru his high school math classes and also took math classes at the local Jr college for fun his sophomore thru senior year.
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Post by mcjunkin on Jun 27, 2024 21:51:30 GMT
We homeschooled both kids all the way through. When we got to Chemistry, I told my DS if he would look through the textbook I would give him an 80 for the class. I hated Chemistry, he was not headed toward any science field and could not have cared less, and it was not worth it to me to go through the battle of getting him through that. He is a good kid, worked almost full time hours for my husband and our small business while he finished up high school, paid his own bills for his truck and fun money. I felt like he earned that break. The same DS had no interest in a 4 year college degree, but went to a Welding School after he graduated. He worked a full time job 7:30-4:30 every day, went to welding school 4 nights each week from 5:00-11:00, with a 40 min drive to get home after that every night. I was impressed with the time commitment this took, so I packed his lunch and supper-two meals for each day--every day until he got done with the welding school. He would've been packing two meals every morning at 5 am or every night at midnight, or paying for two fast food meals every day. Any other time, fast food came out of his "fun money" that he earned himself. But we wanted to support his efforts. I can't imagine giving a kid a passing grade for a class he didn't take. Wow...I am actually shocked that a pea would admit to that, too. Ehhhhh. We were not allowed to use his learning how to weld and torch, read drawings, price jobs, and do other things like that for any kind of credit just because he learned it while on the job working with my husband, and was paid for it. To me, it balanced out. As I said, we knew 100% that he did not want to attend college/tech, so it was not a big deal to me for it to be on a transcript that no one but us has looked at. No scholarship applications, class rankings, etc. To each their own I reckon. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 27, 2024 22:01:31 GMT
My kids went to school with me for the first 7 years and with their dad the last 4. They had two years to mess up and that was before they were allowed to drive or have a phone.
When my kid bought his first vehicle, his dad said he'd pay 50/50. At the dealer he told the kid to pay $2k more. I gave him the 2K later and told him we would never speak of this again. We haven't, but we do grin about it now and then.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 27, 2024 22:34:58 GMT
I was pretty self sufficient as a teenager, but reading some of these posts reminded me of two things my parents did for me:
1. I'm sure you have similar things in other countries.... In Australia, kids get to do two weeks of "work experience" when they're in Year 9. When I was in school, we got to do work experience twice. My aunty worked at the best radio station at the time, and she got me work experience at the radio station. When it came time to do my next round, I wanted to go back to the radio station, but the school told me I had to pick something different. My parents intervened, and said that was the area I wanted to work in, so I should be able to go back to the same place. (Spoiler alert - I did not, in fact, end up working in radio.)
2. In Year 12 I had originally signed up to do Politics. I changed my mind early on, and wanted to change over to Human Development and Society. The school said that in order to do HD&S, it was a prerequisite to have done Home Economics in Year 11 (which I did not do). My parents again intervened, and I was allowed to do HD&S. It ended up being the best mark I got that year.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,652
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jun 28, 2024 0:44:06 GMT
DS' junior year started off in one class with an issue. It was self induced. However, I asked the teacher if she could put it behind her and move on. She assured me she could. Well it became apparent she couldn't. This was the beginning of Sept. We spent the next 5 months with her calling him out, calling or emailing me regularly, really riding him hard. I tried to let him handle it. I told him to just not draw any attention to himself. No matter what he did, she would not leave him alone. Finally, I remember sitting here and the look of just total defeat on his face. I was seriously concerned about his mental well being. I decided 2 things right then and there. First was he was getting tested for ADHD/ADD. DH had never wanted to because he didn't want him to be medicated. But I put my foot down on that then and there. The second thing we did was the next morning we were up at the school having a meeting with the assistant principal. She didn't argue one bit after we presented our case. She offered a solution I never knew would be possible. He was removed from that class that day. Best decision we could have made.
And yes, he did get diagnosed with ADHD/ADD that year.
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Post by ntsf on Jun 28, 2024 0:52:24 GMT
zee.. I went back to college to finish my degree (was missing 3 credits when I left).. the powers that be gave me 3 credits for a class I didn't take, then I had to take two weekend classes... got another 6 credits. got my BS.. the summer the university dropped the degree. but then I had 4-5 yrs of work experience in the field.
I gave up on college cause my room mate/work mate was killed in a plane crash on her way to her internship.. and I couldn't face going back.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jun 28, 2024 14:48:32 GMT
One thing that comes to mind is helping my youngest DD write her college application essays. I didn't help as in do it for her, I helped by sitting with her and brainstorming on what to write. We talked and figured out what to write about, how to say it, etc. I typed it for her as she told me what to say. This allowed her to have a stream of consciousness and saved me from editing it later. I didn't do it for her, but helped her put her thoughts together.
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(fast forward to a few months ago when he received his Master's degree in Public History, with honors... darn kids.) I don't regret doing this for him. 
Guess what? Fixed by that afternoon. sheesh.
