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Post by epeanymous on Jul 28, 2024 4:59:01 GMT
I have never been very happy with my options for guardianship for our kids. Each of us has/had a sick parent such that the other parent needed to spend their time taking care of the sick parent; my mother is now in her 80s and dh's parents are in their late 70s, so even were that not the case at this point, they are definitely not in a position to raise kids. I am an only child with almost no extended family and no one I am in touch with. Dh does have a brother who is married with kids, and we had planned to leave our kids with them, but at this point our minor children are all younger than theirs, and they are pretty clear that they are done raising kids (they also live on the other coast, so it would be a huge transition for the kids, who don't know them well).
I genuinely don't know what to do at this point. I have four minor kids who are 14, 14, 12, and 8 (also two adult kids who are 22 and 18). I am considering asking my 22-year-old (who lives in our city) if they would be willing to be named as their guardian, but I'm not sure that is a fair thing to do. Because I didn't start having kids until my 30s, most of my friends have already raised their kids, and I really can't picture asking any of them to take on my kids; we actually had friends who we had named at one point, but they moved to another state so we're both not as close and now in a position where that would uproot our kids.
How did you decide who would take your kids if anything happened to you? Is it unfair to even ask my young adult child? (They would have a substantial amount of insurance money and a house, so could pay for help, but I still feel like it's a lot to ask).
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Post by Zee on Jul 28, 2024 5:52:48 GMT
I think it's what family should do if something catastrophic like the death of both you and your husband happened. I can't see a scenario where it could be considered "unfair" other than, life is sometimes unfair.
I would expect that the 22 year old would step up to the plate if something that tragic happened, certainly moreso than 80+ year old parents or friends.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 28, 2024 6:53:08 GMT
We were in a similar situation. Our parents were all quite a bit older and didn’t even babysit, so there was no way they would have wanted to raise more kids. DH had an older brother and sister who were quite a bit older and their kids were at least 12 years older than our kids. Plus, they had never babysat and lived half a country away.
We ended up naming my younger brother as guardian, who was single at the time. There was plenty of money from our estate and I asked that he have a live in nanny and a cleaning service. I also wanted everyone in some kind of therapy. I was willing for our money to go to her salary and a larger house for all of them. It wasn’t ideal, but it was what we had. We left that arrangement in place even after our eldest turned 18, but did talk about them living together and my brother just managing the finances. It did change the relationship a bit and my brother definitely made an effort with the kids as they grew up. He eventually married, but they didn’t have kids. But my kids did move in with them for a few months in 2020 during COVID. DH and I were living in Belgium and the kids were in college in the States. DD was living alone in a big townhouse and DS was living with 3 other partying guys. It worked fairly well for those few months until we could get the paperwork together with the embassy to bring DD to us and for DS’s lease to expire.
I say all that because it wasn’t an ideal situation for anyone, but there were measures in place to make it easier. And the grownups were willing to make it work. I’d talk to your 22 year old and see how they feel about the situation. If you can hire help and have someone manage the finances, it is doable for a young adult. And it’s only for a few more years. I’d spend some time finding someone to manage your assets since a 22 year old probably isn’t ready to handle a large estate and an agency that would be ready to help arrange help in the home.
I spent my time as a SAHM and it worried me that the kids’ lives would be completely different. But I did the best for them that I could in my absence.
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Post by gar on Jul 28, 2024 8:07:28 GMT
I’ve been talking to my 2 DDs about this - there are 3 (soon to be 4) young children between them and they should get it sorted out. I think there are enough siblings between my girls and their other halves (7) that they will go with that option. But otherwise I do think it’s very difficult. It obviously makes sense to have someone of your generation (rather than an elderly relative) but your options are very limited. I feel for you - not an easy decision but maybe you have to think about friends you have that would bear the load in the very unlikely situation of it being needed if you don't want to ask your eldest. Having said that I do think that would be the best situation in a horrible event.
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Post by Linda on Jul 28, 2024 12:10:32 GMT
Talk to your oldest - my youngest is almost 18 now and thus we're pretty much done with the issue but my oldest has been listed as guardian for his siblings for years now (my kids are currently 17, 24, and 32). I did have other options - none ideal but I have two sisters (one is now in her 70s with grandchildren and my kids have never met as she lives on a different continent, the other is almost 50 with no children and until recently, my kids didn't know very well due to distance) and a good friend (my age and childless that my kids know very well but no longer local). And I know my younger sister and my friend would both have helped and guided DS if he had had to take on his younger siblings. BUT DS also volunteered for that role...in fact he assumed that 'of course' he would take his sisters if something happened.
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Post by alsomsknit on Jul 28, 2024 13:01:16 GMT
Mine is 27 years old. It’s about will he take care of the pets.
When he was younger and we needed a guardian, it was DH’s parents that was our choice. Dad was retired. They were the oldest of our parents. But, my FOO was not ever going to be an option. Minus my youngest sister, who at the time had zero interest in children.
If I were asked to take on my sister’s little ones if need be. I would do it and give my all. BIL has enough cousins with kids of similar age who would more likely be chosen.
Your BIL may surprise you by stepping up if the need arises.
Otherwise, it wouldn’t hurt to discuss the possibility with the 22 yo. They would possibly have the 18 yo to help. 3 teens and a grade schooler would be easier to take on than toddlers.
It is certainly a major concern.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 28, 2024 13:03:37 GMT
My son is 3. My parents are almost 70 and my older brother is not in a position to take care of a child. If something catastrophic were to happen to both of us it is in our will and in the trust we have set up for our son that he is to go to my cousin and her husband. They’re also aware so it wouldn’t be a shock to them. They are the closest aligned with our values and parenting style + they are still local to my parents so my son would still be super close to his grandparents.
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Post by gar on Jul 28, 2024 13:44:40 GMT
They’re also aware so it wouldn’t be a shock to them. You would hope that that's a given for anyone in that situation!! |
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 6,294 
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Post by pantsonfire on Jul 28, 2024 13:53:32 GMT
Ask in a way that allows them to truly answer. And give them time to think it over. They are in their young 20s and have their whole life ahead. Yes family is important but not everyone wants kids. Or to raise kids all of a sudden.
And if they say no do not get mad.
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Post by melanell on Jul 28, 2024 14:29:04 GMT
Ask in a way that allows them to truly answer. And give them time to think it over. They are in their young 20s and have their whole life ahead. Yes family is important but not everyone wants kids. Or to raise kids all of a sudden. And if they say no do not get mad. We phrased it with our oldest as something along the lines of "Currently, if something happened to us, so and so has been chosen, BUT, now that you are older, we wanted to make sure that's something that everyone is comfortable with, including you." In our case our oldest was pretty shocked by the idea someone else would still remain guardian at this point. While this not being something they gave a whole lot (or any) thought to previously, when the topic came up they immediately made the assumption that if something happened to us they would automatically be the one to take over. So we suggested they go ahead and think it over, and after some thought they could let us know. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 28, 2024 14:51:38 GMT
You just have to pick the least worst option. It's a tragic situation if it actually occurs. I think fairness just kind of gets thrown out the window. Who is able and willing to do it that is the best choice for your minor children. I was the named guardian for my cousin in my early twenties. Would it have been difficult and disruptive - of course, but I was the best option. Similarly, we were named for friends of ours that had no family in this country. Our kids were similar ages and we were the best option for their entire world to not only be turned upside down (that of course happens anyway) but shaken violently afterward.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 28, 2024 14:57:14 GMT
We’ve faced this issue since before our kid was even born. I was 7th of 8 kids so my mom was already older when she had me, and I was older when I had my kid so my mom was never an option. My dad died when I was a kid. DH’s dad also had already passed away decades before and his mom was battling cancer for probably the 5th or 6th time when our kid was born and could barely take care of herself, so she wasn’t ever an option either.
Our siblings all have issues that made us uncomfortable with the thought of leaving our kid in their care. We initially picked a friend that we thought had similar values, but since then that friendship has fallen away so now we really need to change things up but we have no great options. The people we would trust are either too old, have too many of their own health issues or they live too far away and we think it would be hard for our kid to pick up and move away from literally everything and everyone she has ever known.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 28, 2024 15:27:29 GMT
How did you decide who would take your kids if anything happened to you? Is it unfair to even ask my young adult child? (They would have a substantial amount of insurance money and a house, so could pay for help, but I still feel like it's a lot to ask). DH & I had a relatively easy decision because 2 of my sisters and 1 of his were great choices, so are written in our Will & Trust in order (my sis, his sis, my sis). They all knew and the only slight pushback was his sister thought their mom should be named and was relieved to hear we'd talked to MIL about why (age & health) we didn't name her. Our issue was after talking to our kids about what would happen to them if something catastrophic happened to us was their unhappiness that they would be uprooted and moved from friends, schools and their lives essentially in addition to losing us. We asked very dear local friends if they would help. Fortunately we met them through my sister and they are also great friends so we were confident that everyone would work together for our kids. My sister asked me to be guardian of her kids while I was still single and childless. DH knew going into our marriage that I'd made the commitment and was fully onboard should the need to step up happen. You just have to pick the least worst option. It's a tragic situation if it actually occurs. I think fairness just kind of gets thrown out the window. Who is able and willing to do it that is the best choice for your minor children.  As far as being unfair to ask your oldest, I think the above really applies. As with any named guardian, you need to ask them if they are willing and explain what it would mean. At this point I'd concentrate on putting together a team (family, friends, professionals) that can advise and help your oldest navigate through the tragedy. FWIW, you know your children and have to consider whether the 18 year old is more suited to this role. A friend with a disabled child always knew it would be the younger sibling that was the best choice to take on her guardianship over the oldest. There is no drama/conflict in their family over this decision. |
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jul 28, 2024 15:49:06 GMT
I have no advice… but I definitely understand the unease.
We always lived far from any family and it would have been a massive culture and lifestyle shock for my son had something happened to me. My ex and I are divorced and my son would have likely gone to his dad- and it turns my stomach thinking about that. Absent him, which is what he was anyway, my mom would have “stepped up” out of duty and that would have been the absolute, without a doubt WORST situation.
My sister likely would have as well.. but, honestly, I’m just soooo thankful I am alive hahaha
My kids are now adults, and, fairly close. What one still lacks in life skills, the other has in spades. And what the other will likely struggle with, the life skill lacker has. I worry more (today) about the structure with which I leave things, because I want them always to be close and I don’t want to be the reason for any resentment. Our “blended” situation lends itself to difficulty.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,127
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Jul 28, 2024 19:16:16 GMT
I put my sister-in-law because I know they would take good care of our sons and dh's extended family would be good to them and rally around to help (my sons are autistic). Now that my sons are adults, I intend to have a 3rd party handle the estate and our sons affairs. Not that my sister in law wouldn't be a good fit. It's just that there are so many legal responsibilities that come with special needs trursts, it's just best to leave that in the hands of a professional.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,887
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 28, 2024 20:44:03 GMT
DH and I have had to have this conversation recently- no decision has been made. We live about 90 min from family that is capable of taking my 2. DD is 13, DS is 8.
My parents are in their mid-70's so they're older. They live 90 min from us. My kids would have to move to them.
My sister and her DH have 2 boys with the oldest a year younger than my DS. They live 90 min from us my kids see them often and have a relationship with them. My kids would have to move to them.
My sister and her DH have a boy and a girl that age wise are right there with my kids. They live states away my kids have seen them a few times but don't have a relationship with them. My kids would have to move to them.
My brother and his DW have 2 girls a year or 3 older than my DD and a boy a year older than my DS. They live states away near my sister and my kids have seen them a few times but are not close. My kids would have to move to them.
SIL and her DH have a girl a year older than my DD and a boy a year older than my DS. They live 8 hours away and we see them once a year. Our kids have NOTHING in common. My kids would have to move to them.
MIL is in her mid 70's. She lives 30 min away and would move in here but she cannot possibly keep up with my kids, she can barely take care of herself. My kids are not fans of her.
FIL & his wife are in their mid 70's. They live 7 hours away. My kids would NEVER move to them. They don't have any relationship other than seeing them once a year.
All situations involve my kids moving away from everything they have known their whole life. I don't agree with the parenting of a few of the possibilities. I know one of them would absolutely give my kids the best life ever because she has to means to do so- unfortunately they're farthest away.
It's tough trying to figure it all out. I'm sure ALL of them would absolutely take in my kids if they needed a place to go. The hard part is the disruption of my kids everything in addition to losing their parents. I'm hoping we never need to enact it and that DD will be 18 and able to take care of her brother if anything were to happen to DH and I both. Currently, DH is dealing with cancer so we've had this discussion. If he dies and I'm a single parent we really need to have a plan in place in case something happens to me.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jul 29, 2024 11:07:11 GMT
My kids are 21 and almost 19 so now I guess it doesn't really matter, but at the time, I believe we picked my parents as first choice, even tho they were older, bc they were local and my kids wouldn't have to move or if they did, they would move not far to a home they already spent a lot of time in. My SIL was backup bc she was younger, 90 min away, and at the time single so lived in a small apartment. I am not sure if she would have moved down here permanently, but probably until the school year finished out and then figure out what to do. My sister is NOT a kid person, and lives 8 hrs away so we didnt even consider her.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jul 29, 2024 11:09:03 GMT
I have never been very happy with my options for guardianship for our kids. Each of us has/had a sick parent such that the other parent needed to spend their time taking care of the sick parent; my mother is now in her 80s and dh's parents are in their late 70s, so even were that not the case at this point, they are definitely not in a position to raise kids. I am an only child with almost no extended family and no one I am in touch with. Dh does have a brother who is married with kids, and we had planned to leave our kids with them, but at this point our minor children are all younger than theirs, and they are pretty clear that they are done raising kids (they also live on the other coast, so it would be a huge transition for the kids, who don't know them well). I genuinely don't know what to do at this point. I have four minor kids who are 14, 14, 12, and 8 (also two adult kids who are 22 and 18). I am considering asking my 22-year-old (who lives in our city) if they would be willing to be named as their guardian, but I'm not sure that is a fair thing to do. Because I didn't start having kids until my 30s, most of my friends have already raised their kids, and I really can't picture asking any of them to take on my kids; we actually had friends who we had named at one point, but they moved to another state so we're both not as close and now in a position where that would uproot our kids. How did you decide who would take your kids if anything happened to you? Is it unfair to even ask my young adult child? (They would have a substantial amount of insurance money and a house, so could pay for help, but I still feel like it's a lot to ask). In your case, I would ask the 22 yr sibling who lives nearby if they would be willing. I'd ask the 18 yr old to be backup. Like it was said upthread, its the least worse solution. |
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As far as being unfair to ask your oldest, I think the above really applies. As with any named guardian, you need to ask them if they are willing and explain what it would mean. At this point I'd concentrate on putting together a team (family, friends, professionals) that can advise and help your oldest navigate through the tragedy. 
