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Post by librarylady on Aug 2, 2024 14:13:05 GMT
Dear Carolyn: My son has all but cut connections with me, although I am allowed monitored FaceTime with his child, my delightful young granddaughter. A year or so ago when I was visiting, I had a DNA test swab with me and asked her to supply the saliva. The good news is, it turns out she is indeed my granddaughter, although unlike all the other grandkids, she looks nothing like any of the families on my side. She looks like a clone of her mother and a lot like her half brother from a different father. The results of this test leaked out via another family member, and there was a lot of anger by the mother that I doubted her faithfulness. I did apologize, although I really wanted to know the results. My apology was not accepted as good enough, nor was it directly to the mother. Before I could write a more direct apology — which would’ve been insincere — the mom wrote me several scathing emails and I am no longer welcome in their home. It’s getting tougher and tougher to even have phone calls with my son and granddaughter. Meanwhile, this same son is truly callous, not remembering or celebrating my birthdays, Mother’s Day, the anniversary of his dad’s death or our anniversary. He is, however, always happy to ask for and accept extra money. Do I give up? Just get a therapist so I can get beyond being so hurt and left out? There is no apology that will ever be good enough, and truthfully, I wanted to know, while I am living, if my son was actually the father of this child. The mother and I cannot be reconciled. Any ideas? — Grammie From Afar Grammie From Afar: Well, you wanted to know, as you said. You could have stayed out of it. You could have assumed the best of your daughter-in-law. You could have, assuming the worst, loved your granddaughter no matter her lineage, simply because your son chose to raise her as his own. But you wanted to know. So you crossed all the bounds of decency to find out. So what surprises me most about your letter is that you seem surprised now to be left out. That you claim to be hurt by the people you so willfully, unapologetically hurt. That the sheets are rough in the vicious bed you made. In addition to daily gratitude exercises for the access to your grandchild you still have (or purchase), a therapist sounds like a plan. I mean that sincerely. Please get some help. ============================================
from the letter: My apology was not accepted as good enough, nor was it directly to the mother.
This despicable person didn't even make the apology to the mother!
furthermore she says: Before I could write a more direct apology — which would’ve been insincere — the mom wrote me several scathing emails and I am no longer welcome in their home.
By her own words, she is not sorry for what she did. SHEESH......I think this person is worse than any of the stories we have had here on MIL problems.
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Post by melanell on Aug 2, 2024 14:32:41 GMT
Good grief. I don't understand some people. I think that's all I can possibly say here.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,839
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Aug 2, 2024 14:38:19 GMT
She should feel lucky she even gets to FaceTime her granddaughter.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 2, 2024 14:40:08 GMT
Wow, narcissistic much?  I don’t blame the mom for being pissed and the dad should be pissed too on his wife’s behalf. And what would have happened if it turned out that the kid wasn’t her bio grandkid? I don’t even want to think about how awful Grammie would have been then to all involved. People can be so horrible. |
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Post by gillyp on Aug 2, 2024 15:00:48 GMT
It doesn't ring true to me. I'm not saying things like that have not happened but the letter sounds invented to me.
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Post by melanell on Aug 2, 2024 15:09:18 GMT
It doesn't ring true to me. I'm not saying things like that have not happened but the letter sounds invented to me. I often hope this to be the case when I read things online! |
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Post by Restless Spirit on Aug 2, 2024 15:23:47 GMT
I believe it. What my MIL told people about me and my baby was far worse. Years after her death, we did Ancestry DNA tests - yes DD is my husband’s child.
People are vile. Particularly narcissistic mothers of sons they want to control.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 2, 2024 15:36:15 GMT
It doesn't ring true to me. I'm not saying things like that have not happened but the letter sounds invented to me. It may not be, but my MIL has done crap like this. Not to this extent but I have stories people wouldn't believe. |
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Post by nine on Aug 2, 2024 15:45:07 GMT
People know nothing about genetics. Babies don’t have to look like the mother and/or the father. They can look like a grandpa nobody knew or grandma that lived in Romania (or where ever). Just plain stupid. And that’s why she’s cut off. She’s stupid.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 2, 2024 15:57:47 GMT
She was/is a bad grandma... Not even a grandma.. Her son accepted the baby, therefore the baby is family, his kid! (Yes I know the kid was ultimated determined to the the DS's child)
No different from adopting. They are family too.
No one knew where my red hair came from. Mine was darker like alburn. Good thing when my oldest DGS is a carrot top..
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 2, 2024 15:58:19 GMT
Dear Carolyn: My son has all but cut connections with me, although I am allowed monitored FaceTime with his child, my delightful young granddaughter. A year or so ago when I was visiting, I had a DNA test swab with me and asked her to supply the saliva. The good news is, it turns out she is indeed my granddaughter, although unlike all the other grandkids, she looks nothing like any of the families on my side. She looks like a clone of her mother and a lot like her half brother from a different father. The results of this test leaked out via another family member, and there was a lot of anger by the mother that I doubted her faithfulness. I did apologize, although I really wanted to know the results. My apology was not accepted as good enough, nor was it directly to the mother. Before I could write a more direct apology — which would’ve been insincere — the mom wrote me several scathing emails and I am no longer welcome in their home. It’s getting tougher and tougher to even have phone calls with my son and granddaughter. Meanwhile, this same son is truly callous, not remembering or celebrating my birthdays, Mother’s Day, the anniversary of his dad’s death or our anniversary. He is, however, always happy to ask for and accept extra money. Do I give up? Just get a therapist so I can get beyond being so hurt and left out? There is no apology that will ever be good enough, and truthfully, I wanted to know, while I am living, if my son was actually the father of this child. The mother and I cannot be reconciled. Any ideas? — Grammie From Afar Grammie From Afar: Well, you wanted to know, as you said. You could have stayed out of it. You could have assumed the best of your daughter-in-law. You could have, assuming the worst, loved your granddaughter no matter her lineage, simply because your son chose to raise her as his own. But you wanted to know. So you crossed all the bounds of decency to find out. So what surprises me most about your letter is that you seem surprised now to be left out. That you claim to be hurt by the people you so willfully, unapologetically hurt. That the sheets are rough in the vicious bed you made. In addition to daily gratitude exercises for the access to your grandchild you still have (or purchase), a therapist sounds like a plan. I mean that sincerely. Please get some help. ============================================
from the letter: My apology was not accepted as good enough, nor was it directly to the mother.
This despicable person didn't even make the apology to the mother!
furthermore she says: Before I could write a more direct apology — which would’ve been insincere — the mom wrote me several scathing emails and I am no longer welcome in their home.
By her own words, she is not sorry for what she did. SHEESH......I think this person is worse than any of the stories we have had here on MIL problems.
I mean, the grandmother is just gross, but this struck out to me: He is, however, always happy to ask for and accept extra money. I wonder if the mother/DIL realizes the husband is doing this. It sends a mix message. You either cut off contact - money and gifts included - or you work on things.... |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,802 
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Post by purplebee on Aug 2, 2024 16:01:51 GMT
She is vile. Happy to read that Dear Carolyn put her firmly in her place.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 2, 2024 16:05:20 GMT
You had to know and now you know - fuck you and your narrow-minded view of family.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 2, 2024 16:37:54 GMT
My inlaws have been truly awful to me but I give them supervised access to my kids. If they ever took it upon themselves to collect my child’s genetic material and send it out in the world for testing, however, that would be the end of that.
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sueg
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,576
Location: Munich
Apr 12, 2016 12:51:01 GMT
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Post by sueg on Aug 2, 2024 16:42:02 GMT
Neither of my granddaughters look like my son - they are both like my DDiL and her mum. It has never occurred to me to question their paternity.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 2, 2024 16:51:11 GMT
I mean, the grandmother is just gross, but this struck out to me: He is, however, always happy to ask for and accept extra money. I wonder if the mother/DIL realizes the husband is doing this. It sends a mix message. You either cut off contact - money and gifts included - or you work on things.... I just have to say that I’m lucky if my DH remembers MY birthday. If I wouldn’t have had his mom’s marked on the calendar every year he very likely wouldn’t have remembered to send her a card for that, and he didn’t find it necessary to remember his parent’s anniversary or the date of his dad’s death. That’s just weird. As for the money, my bet is that granny is holding that out like a carrot on a stick just to keep DS and DGD in her life at all. There are lots of people who think it’s perfectly okay to buy their kid’s love. |
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Post by smasonnc on Aug 2, 2024 18:08:07 GMT
He is, however, always happy to ask for and accept extra money. That's messed up. He's going to draw a line in the sand for mom's interfering then ask for money? And she GIVES it to him? Either you're on good terms or you're not. You don't $#*t on someone, even for good reason, then ask them for money. |
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,089
Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Aug 2, 2024 18:11:46 GMT
That the sheets are rough in the vicious bed you made. This sounds like a crazy situation but I really like this line. I may be using this in the future. |
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 2, 2024 18:24:25 GMT
As made up as it sounds, I know someone in real life who has a mother like this.
He's been married for almost 30 years with 25 year twin sons and his mother still refuses to acknowledge them as his and is vile toward the wife. There is zero relationship in this situation except the son. He ignores his mom and only wants to make sure his dad is getting the care he needs (which involves his mom now being restricted to no more than 1 hour of supervised visits with her DH per day).
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,803
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Aug 2, 2024 18:30:23 GMT
I love reading advice columns and Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post is the best of the best. She’s one of the reasons I subscribe.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 2, 2024 19:56:33 GMT
This is beyond surprising for me. And sadly, I can believe there are mothers out there that would do this. My neighbor from my old neighborhood was born in Costa Rica. She is a warm and very family focused woman. She married a white guy whose mother had a lot of money and had spoiled her son in insane fashion. He had a pet mountain lion in a huge enclosure as a boy. Anything he wanted, he got. But he actually turned out to be a nice guy.
Their first and third children are boys that are a clone of their father. The middle son has dark hair and skin like the mother. The grandmother would take boy #1 on extravagant vacations and spoil him, while leaving son #2 home, saying she couldn’t handle two boys at once. The youngest that also looked like his father was too young to go on these expensive trips. Sons #1 and #3 received a ton of expensive gifts for their birthday and Christmas. Son #2 would get a plastic truck that looked like it came from a nearby drugstore’s toy aisle.
But when that grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer, who took care of her? The DIL. Her own daughter had become a drug addict who hated her mother and disappeared from all of their lives. The DIL moved her into their home and took care of her until she died. And the three sons? Son #1 who was so spoiled and pampered ended up in prison, twice, for violent assaults. Son #3 wasn’t as damaged before the grandmother died so he grew up fine. The best of the bunch is son #2, now happily married with three of his own children.
I just don’t think some people think before they act.
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Post by jill8909 on Aug 2, 2024 20:13:34 GMT
suspect it's fake. but I wouldn't bother with therapy for her. therapy is for mental illness, not bad character!
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,072
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Post by pinklady on Aug 2, 2024 20:50:30 GMT
I absolutely believe this is true. Any woman who is married to a man who will not lay down the law to his horrible mother is an absolute fool. FULL STOP
Didn’t we have a thread recently where almost every pea told the pea her daughter needs to run from her boyfriend.
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Post by KiwiJo on Aug 2, 2024 21:23:40 GMT
I mean, the grandmother is just gross, but this struck out to me: He is, however, always happy to ask for and accept extra money. I wonder if the mother/DIL realizes the husband is doing this. It sends a mix message. You either cut off contact - money and gifts included - or you work on things.... I just have to say that I’m lucky if my DH remembers MY birthday. If I wouldn’t have had his mom’s marked on the calendar every year he very likely wouldn’t have remembered to send her a card for that, and he didn’t find it necessary to remember his parent’s anniversary or the date of his dad’s death. That’s just weird. As for the money, my bet is that granny is holding that out like a carrot on a stick just to keep DS and DGD in her life at all. There are lots of people who think it’s perfectly okay to buy their kid’s love. I don’t think there’s anything weird about not remembering dates of things like wedding anniversaries or deaths - dates like that simply are not important to everyone. I well remember the love I had for my Mum and Dad, but I don’t remember when they died. Heck, I don’t even know the date of my own wedding anniversary - I’m pretty sure we got married in a November but I have no idea what year. I don’t expect (or want) anything from my kids on my birthday or Mothers’ Day etc. I do have dates such as their wedding anniversaries, my DILs’ birthdays etc in my calendar so I remember to ring them on the day, because I know not everyone shares my disinterest in such things. Each to their own, nothing weird about it. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 2, 2024 22:17:20 GMT
I just have to say that I’m lucky if my DH remembers MY birthday. If I wouldn’t have had his mom’s marked on the calendar every year he very likely wouldn’t have remembered to send her a card for that, and he didn’t find it necessary to remember his parent’s anniversary or the date of his dad’s death. That’s just weird. As for the money, my bet is that granny is holding that out like a carrot on a stick just to keep DS and DGD in her life at all. There are lots of people who think it’s perfectly okay to buy their kid’s love. I don’t think there’s anything weird about not remembering dates of things like wedding anniversaries or deaths - dates like that simply are not important to everyone. I well remember the love I had for my Mum and Dad, but I don’t remember when they died. Heck, I don’t even know the date of my own wedding anniversary - I’m pretty sure we got married in a November but I have no idea what year. I don’t expect (or want) anything from my kids on my birthday or Mothers’ Day etc. I do have dates such as their wedding anniversaries, my DILs’ birthdays etc in my calendar so I remember to ring them on the day, because I know not everyone shares my disinterest in such things. Each to their own, nothing weird about it. LOL, I think it would be weird TO remember my parent’s anniversary or their deaths. In fact, I prefer not to remember when my parents died. |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 2, 2024 22:20:03 GMT
I just have to say that I’m lucky if my DH remembers MY birthday. If I wouldn’t have had his mom’s marked on the calendar every year he very likely wouldn’t have remembered to send her a card for that, and he didn’t find it necessary to remember his parent’s anniversary or the date of his dad’s death. That’s just weird. As for the money, my bet is that granny is holding that out like a carrot on a stick just to keep DS and DGD in her life at all. There are lots of people who think it’s perfectly okay to buy their kid’s love. I don’t think there’s anything weird about not remembering dates of things like wedding anniversaries or deaths - dates like that simply are not important to everyone. I well remember the love I had for my Mum and Dad, but I don’t remember when they died. Heck, I don’t even know the date of my own wedding anniversary - I’m pretty sure we got married in a November but I have no idea what year. I don’t expect (or want) anything from my kids on my birthday or Mothers’ Day etc. I do have dates such as their wedding anniversaries, my DILs’ birthdays etc in my calendar so I remember to ring them on the day, because I know not everyone shares my disinterest in such things. Each to their own, nothing weird about it. I think she's saying it is weird the mil expects all of that. I can believe this is true. I also figure the money is the only reason the woman is allowed contact with the grandchild. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 2, 2024 22:26:05 GMT
I don’t think there’s anything weird about not remembering dates of things like wedding anniversaries or deaths - dates like that simply are not important to everyone. I well remember the love I had for my Mum and Dad, but I don’t remember when they died. Heck, I don’t even know the date of my own wedding anniversary - I’m pretty sure we got married in a November but I have no idea what year. I don’t expect (or want) anything from my kids on my birthday or Mothers’ Day etc. I do have dates such as their wedding anniversaries, my DILs’ birthdays etc in my calendar so I remember to ring them on the day, because I know not everyone shares my disinterest in such things. Each to their own, nothing weird about it. I can believe this is true. I also figure the money is the only reason the woman is allowed contact with the grandchild. Yup, this. Expecting your kid to remember all that stuff, especially if it’s a guy, is kind of a lot IMO. |
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,405
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 3, 2024 19:01:30 GMT
Wow.I am lost for words.
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Post by lg on Aug 4, 2024 4:18:41 GMT
The fact that mil got a dna test proving parentage in the first place denotes that mil had no intention of ever having a healthy/good/respectful relationship with her dil.
In a way I can’t blame the son using her for money, or is it another way she tries to control him (I’ll pay for uni for dgd, I’m paying for uni for dgd therefore you owe me time or contact or whatever, look at me I’m a martyr as I’m paying for uni for dgd even though they won’t let her to have anything to do with me… etc.)
Total narcissist, she’s lucky they are giving her any contact as I don’t and won’t put up with that (and haven’t!) personally.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,808
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Post by ellen on Aug 4, 2024 16:16:34 GMT
I love reading advice columns and Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post is the best of the best. She’s one of the reasons I subscribe. This and the crossword puzzle. I miss Date Lab! |
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