peas with aging parents (or aging parent peas)

I had a somewhat similar situation with my MIL who was in OK, while we are in WA. I tried to operate on the idea of "what do I want to model to my kids as reasonable and appropriate support for an aging parent, given that it may be me in her position someday". In our family, with the issues we were dealing with, reasonable visits with her were a week once a year, by my DH with one of the kids, and a long weekend roughly 6 months later with DH on his own. My DH had his own disabling condition to factor in, and it wasn't possible for the whole family to travel as we had a profoundly disabled child, so this was what was possible for us. I'm sure your family has other dynamics that dictate what works, as we all have finite time, money and energy, but dealing generously with parents, even when the relationships are strained, is something I personally don't regret.

No one can really answer this for your DH, obviously, because everyone has different financial and personal and professional obligations.

I see my parents maybe once a year. They don't have the financial resources that your in-laws obviously do, but they are ok and in good health. They are not married to each other but live about 3 hours apart, so it's easy enough to see both whenever I get back to IL for a visit. They are ages 70 and 73.

I think he's going far more than I would: every 3 months from Seattle to Florida is quite a trek. Does it bother your DH that he goes that frequently and doesn't get to take other vacations (with you)? Do the kids get to do fun stuff in Florida during the week? If it is making great memories for them, maybe it's worth it but I think twice a year is more reasonable. But, I guess it's your DH's call at the end of the day.

That seems an excessive amount of holiday time spent on his parents, it's still only August.

Is he an only child?

gar wellway he has a brother in Philly per the OP

My DH set the boundaries of visiting - he didnt have a good relationship with them, and I was resentful of the way they treated my DH, and I couldnt really hide my distaste (I realize, I really should have tried better for DH and my kids, but they never really put forth the effort, so I just stopped). My inlaws were 2ish hours away but we we see them maybe 1-2 times up at their house, and they would come here for TG and Xmas. 

They finally moved into long term care closer to my SIL, still about 1.5-2 hrs away. When my FIL passed, my DH has made more of an effort to go visit his mother, usually when it worked in with a trip up to see my DD who is in college closer to where she lives. He stays for maybe 1-2 hrs, bc that is really as long as she can take a visit.






The bolded is what stood out to me. My Inlaws REFUSED to move to a facility until it was honestly kidnapping them, and the facility DH found was no longer available, so they ended up closer to my SIL (who has POA and stuff anyway). Had they moved when we first found the place, we could have visited more and they may have had a relationship with my kids. But even before dementia took over, they just didn't really seem to have an interest, so the visits just felt like check in the boxes. It's sad, but that's the tone they set, and my DH knew it. My kids have a completely different relationship with my parents, and that is the relationship we focused on nurturing. 

This all probably doesn't really help you, but as kids get older and more involved and college visits and stuff, I wouldn't distrupt them as much, unless they have a close relationship with their grandparents and are asking and want to visit. as for your DH, if he is trying to keep an eye on how they are progressing (or regressing, I guess) then maybe every 3 or 4 months? And FaceTime is honestly a fantastic tool. My Grandmother lived until 101 and she LOVED Facetiming. She actually preferred that over an inperson visit bc in person, it just wore her out. When you go in person, you think of all the resources it took to get to that person and so you kind of try to spend as much time as you can.... and that is very tiresome. Even if you really mean the very best. 

When we had little babies, I flew twice from KC to Las Vegas to see my parents. That was in a 3 year period and both times my parents bought our tickets because we could not afford it. They knew we could not afford it and we were able to stay with them. I even went solo with a child under the age of 2 while I was pregnant because DH didn't have vacation. Don't recommend. That was to see *my* parents.

When we lived in LV, we flew once and drove once to see his Mom in Nebraska in a 6-ish year span. They came to see us about 3 times. The relationships are much different between him and his Mom and me and my Mom, which plays a significant part. She finally learned the guilt trips to see him more would not work and backed off.

Now that we are in KC, the kids are older, and his Mom (and her husband, especially) are having health issues, we drive up 2 times a year. We drive up in the AM and drive back that evening (on a Saturday, so it doesn't use vacation time). His siblings live nearby, as well as tons of extended family. However, we use vacation time to drive to Gulf Shores just about every summer to spend a week with my Mom.

I would not appreciate DH using all his vacation time every year to fly to see his parents, especially if it meant I was at home (by choice or not). However, we would figure it out together.

How often would you want your kids to visit you if you were the older parents living far from your kids?

I do agree it’s not right for your dh to spend all his vacation time visiting his parents week long trips seem excessive. Dhs’s mom lives in Chicago and we are in Seattle. He sees her 2-3 times a year, but just for weekend trips. Might require a day of vacation time. She had a phobia of flying and could never fly out here. I go with him maybe once every other year, mainly due to cost and mainly because it’s him she really wants to see. We get along fine, but he’s her first born/favorite.

I'm an 'aging parent' - only 70 years old though, so not that much aging LOL.

I would think once or twice a year is absolutely fine; if twice then one time would ideally be with the children and preferably with you too unless there is outright animosity when you are there.  A week would be too long for me, around 4 or maybe 5 days would be good.

I definitely would not time the visits with any major date like Christmas or birthdays because that sets up a precedent and a visit at those times would then be expected. Far better, I think, to visit at random times that suit your family and which don't set up expectations.

I would have your DH tell his parents that that's just the way it is, it's what suits his own family and his vacation time from work. he doesn't need to say any more than that - long explanations can turn into arguments very easily.

How often is he in contact with his parents? I would also have him contact them at least once a month during the year - email, phone calls, video calls - whatever works for both parties. Again, if they bring up more frequent visits during those contact times, he needs to just say he cant get the time off work, and leave it at that.  It's always easier to blame a 3rd party.   

For context, I have 2 sons, both married, only one has children. The family with children live in the same city and we do see them quite frequently because we babysit the kids. The other son and his wife live half way across the world and we seem them around every 3 to 5 years.  We are in email contact around every 3 or 4 weeks.

It depends on a lot! We go to my mom's home (11 hours in the car) 2x/year with the kids. After my dad passed (God rest his soul), I added a "solo" trip, so I now have 3 trips/year planned. In the last couple of years, some extended family members have fallen ill and passed, so there were extra trips out there in addition to the 3. DH usually only goes on the 2 whole-family trips. I have siblings near my mom, who is *knock wood* healthy and living on her own.

DH was his mom's primary support in her last 10 years or so, but she moved to an assisted living less than an hour from us after selling her house down South. It got to be a lot on DH in the last year or so, but worth it. His dad lived several states away at the end of his life, but he had his wife and extended family nearby, so DH visited once or twice a year.

Importantly, DH and I are both on academic calendars, so we have predictable times at Christmas and in the summer when we can do this kind of thing without eating up family-vacation time.

In OP's situation, I think once a year with kids and once or twice more on his own would be reasonable. As his parents need more looking-after, his brother should start filling in some of the gaps. Ultimately, he may have to move his parents to WA?

We only see my MIL once or twice a year, and she only lives 45 minutes away from us. We see my parents more, but still probably only monthly.

Does your husband actually want to go again, or is this because they are asking him again? Is it just the vacation time/time away from home that is an issue, or is this also causing a strain financially?

His parents could move closer to you if they wanted. They could also pay for your family’s travel expenses, since it’s not possible for them to travel. It’s unrealistic to expect you all to be traveling cross country multiple times a year at your stage in life, and they should not be asking your husband to prioritize them over his own kids, which is what they are doing when he travels there alone.

I don’t want my kids to do anything for me out of obligation. I want them to WANT to spend time with me. Both my and my husband’s relationships with our parents is virtually nonexistent, though. Clearly. 😬

Personally I’d encourage him to visit more often for shorter periods of time. Take a long weekend where he can minimize using vacation time. Granted I flew a lot for work so I know some people really think if it’s a 6 hour plane ride you have to stay for a week but I don’t and frankly a week is too long a visit.