Post by Linda on Aug 18, 2024 20:33:00 GMT
Looking at my parents and how they handled visits to their parents.
When we lived overseas - mum would travel back to the states about every other year with us kids. Dad only went once - the first visit after I was born - and he didn't stay the entire time. Mum had also travelled back to the states every other year during the 8 years she lived and worked in Europe before she married. My grandparents came to the UK for my parents' wedding and right after I was born. After that, my grandfather was unable to travel (and thus grandmother was also as his caregiver). We moved in with them when we first moved to the states and Grandpa died about 6m later. We continued to live with them for a couple more years and then lived nearby until grandma died when I was in high school.
My other grandparents lived in the UK - they weren't invited to my parents wedding and in fact didn't meet mum until afterwards. We did a day trip to see them when I was a baby, another day trip when I was a toddler (we were living in Germany and came over to the Uk for a week or so and did the rounds of various family and friends), another day trip when we moved back to the UK when I was 6 and my sister was a toddler. Gran came out to Cyprus for a month the Christmas after Gramps died (I was 8 then) and we saw her a handful of times during the 2 months we lived in the same town as her before we moved to the States. That was the last time my dad saw her.
With my parents and ILs - I haven't lived in the same state as my mum (dad died when I was a teen) since I was 21 and my oldest was a baby. We visited at holidays (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and during the summer) for the first few years and then I moved across country. She visited once. I wasn't able to afford to travel so was unable to visit her. 4 years later I moved to Florida. She paid for plane tickets for DS (then 7) and I to visit for about a week that Christmas. She visited a few times over the following decade - typically for a baptism, First Communion, Confirmation...her last two visits were for my oldest's high school and college graduation(2012). We visited in 2003, 2005, and 2007 - it was hard - dh only had 2 weeks vacation, we were perpetually broke, and it was a brutal 2-day drive each way with 2 and then 3 kids - and while she claimed to enjoy our visits, she didn't child proof and I spent the time watching my younger kids with an eagle so they didn't break anything.
I visited on my own in 2016 for her 80th birthday. 2017 was our final family visit, it was an uncomfortable visit for the kids - she really didn't know them and didn't make much effort to change that either. And it was clear that having visitors was making her routines difficult. I went back on my own in Nov 2019 for about 2 weeks. And she was very obviously having memory issues and difficulties keeping up the house etc... my sister was more local (90 min) and visiting weekly or every other week at that point. I made plans to return in a couple of months (after Christmas) with the idea I would come regularly every 2-3 months going forward - mainly to give my sister a break - my kids were older then - my youngest was 13 which made it easier for me to travel. And we were trying to convince mum to allow home health or consider living with one of us or in a senior apartment - to no avail. She died only days after my visit - very suddenly and unexpectedly though.
My MIL lived in the same area as us in Florida. We saw her for holidays and birthdays and a little more than that for most of the time. She had 7 kids and 12 grandkids (of which mine were the youngest by far) and wasn't short of company. She did move in with us prior to her death so I could care for her (she was on hospice). We rarely saw my FIL (he died in 2004).
BUT my MIL was easier to get along with and had more interest in our kids (and us) than my mother did. I never once heard her say a critical word about anyone. And TBH - visiting her was more enjoyable all around.
We're not elderly yet - but two of our kids live about a 10-12 hrs drive from us. We see them about 1-2 times a year - they are slightly more likely to come here than we are to go there but it's fairly even. When DS was in Japan - we didn't see him at all (we encouraged him to travel within the region rather than try and come home). Our youngest is still at home but will probably end up closer to them than us once she's done with college (and possibly before that - she's 12th grader now) and we're looking at moving there once she's out of college and DH is closer to retirement (so within the next 5-10 years probably). We would like it to be easier to spend time with them and if/when grandkids arrive - to be involved. It does help that we like their area very much and are not the least bit attached to our current area.
A very long-winded way of saying that family dynamics and circumstances do make a difference. I hope that the dynamics between us and our children will be different (BETTER) than the ones between me and my mother but I'm also actively working on that and have been their entire lives.
When we lived overseas - mum would travel back to the states about every other year with us kids. Dad only went once - the first visit after I was born - and he didn't stay the entire time. Mum had also travelled back to the states every other year during the 8 years she lived and worked in Europe before she married. My grandparents came to the UK for my parents' wedding and right after I was born. After that, my grandfather was unable to travel (and thus grandmother was also as his caregiver). We moved in with them when we first moved to the states and Grandpa died about 6m later. We continued to live with them for a couple more years and then lived nearby until grandma died when I was in high school.
My other grandparents lived in the UK - they weren't invited to my parents wedding and in fact didn't meet mum until afterwards. We did a day trip to see them when I was a baby, another day trip when I was a toddler (we were living in Germany and came over to the Uk for a week or so and did the rounds of various family and friends), another day trip when we moved back to the UK when I was 6 and my sister was a toddler. Gran came out to Cyprus for a month the Christmas after Gramps died (I was 8 then) and we saw her a handful of times during the 2 months we lived in the same town as her before we moved to the States. That was the last time my dad saw her.
With my parents and ILs - I haven't lived in the same state as my mum (dad died when I was a teen) since I was 21 and my oldest was a baby. We visited at holidays (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and during the summer) for the first few years and then I moved across country. She visited once. I wasn't able to afford to travel so was unable to visit her. 4 years later I moved to Florida. She paid for plane tickets for DS (then 7) and I to visit for about a week that Christmas. She visited a few times over the following decade - typically for a baptism, First Communion, Confirmation...her last two visits were for my oldest's high school and college graduation(2012). We visited in 2003, 2005, and 2007 - it was hard - dh only had 2 weeks vacation, we were perpetually broke, and it was a brutal 2-day drive each way with 2 and then 3 kids - and while she claimed to enjoy our visits, she didn't child proof and I spent the time watching my younger kids with an eagle so they didn't break anything.
I visited on my own in 2016 for her 80th birthday. 2017 was our final family visit, it was an uncomfortable visit for the kids - she really didn't know them and didn't make much effort to change that either. And it was clear that having visitors was making her routines difficult. I went back on my own in Nov 2019 for about 2 weeks. And she was very obviously having memory issues and difficulties keeping up the house etc... my sister was more local (90 min) and visiting weekly or every other week at that point. I made plans to return in a couple of months (after Christmas) with the idea I would come regularly every 2-3 months going forward - mainly to give my sister a break - my kids were older then - my youngest was 13 which made it easier for me to travel. And we were trying to convince mum to allow home health or consider living with one of us or in a senior apartment - to no avail. She died only days after my visit - very suddenly and unexpectedly though.
My MIL lived in the same area as us in Florida. We saw her for holidays and birthdays and a little more than that for most of the time. She had 7 kids and 12 grandkids (of which mine were the youngest by far) and wasn't short of company. She did move in with us prior to her death so I could care for her (she was on hospice). We rarely saw my FIL (he died in 2004).
BUT my MIL was easier to get along with and had more interest in our kids (and us) than my mother did. I never once heard her say a critical word about anyone. And TBH - visiting her was more enjoyable all around.
We're not elderly yet - but two of our kids live about a 10-12 hrs drive from us. We see them about 1-2 times a year - they are slightly more likely to come here than we are to go there but it's fairly even. When DS was in Japan - we didn't see him at all (we encouraged him to travel within the region rather than try and come home). Our youngest is still at home but will probably end up closer to them than us once she's done with college (and possibly before that - she's 12th grader now) and we're looking at moving there once she's out of college and DH is closer to retirement (so within the next 5-10 years probably). We would like it to be easier to spend time with them and if/when grandkids arrive - to be involved. It does help that we like their area very much and are not the least bit attached to our current area.
A very long-winded way of saying that family dynamics and circumstances do make a difference. I hope that the dynamics between us and our children will be different (BETTER) than the ones between me and my mother but I'm also actively working on that and have been their entire lives.
