kokomo37
Full Member
Posts: 168
Apr 17, 2022 21:03:36 GMT
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Post by kokomo37 on Aug 19, 2024 20:44:26 GMT
6 years ago we move to a house that would accommodate my husband me and my MIL. She was alone a had no other family so I did it for my husband. We tried to find a small home with a in law suite . It mostly is except that, we share a kitchen and laundry room. The problem for me is lack of privacy. The stairs have an open railing in to our living room . She sees us and we see her ever time she comes up to go to the kitchen . We put up a bamboo room divider but she stills does hesitate to come in to ask my husband a question. She does not wait to see if we are talking , she just starts talking.
she cooks at different to us so that’s not a problem but she does come upstairs at least 6 a day . She is independent. Still drives. Goes out every morning at 1030 to go to the store or dollorama. She has no friends. Says she need no friends
Before we moved in together we would see her 3 to 4 times a year . She never came to any of my kids activities to support or watch .( step grandparent who husband passes 10 years ago) All her friends were her husband friends so they disappeared too
I feel bad but I just don’t want to live together anymore . I spend most of my time upstairs in my bedroom or my craft room .
i don’t want to entertain my kids and grandkids as she always wants to be included and I resent it. Does that make me a terrible person ?
I feel as though I am and living but not loving life . I am 67 and she is 80
I do get to spend 2 months away in the summer at our trailer but it is soon time to go back to the house as I still work 12 hrs a week during the school year
any suggestions on how I can improve my life our my look out on life.
Thanks if you have read this far.
PS money is tight
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,261
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Aug 19, 2024 20:57:29 GMT
That's a hard one. Is she interested in an independent living senior apartment?
It's hard because you created this space for her not realizing how much it would impact your life. We moved our parents down to DFW from Seattle and they live independently although they don't drive and we pretty much do everything for them. They are 88 and 92.
Maybe she is also wanting her own space. Might be worth a discussion.
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Post by needmysanity on Aug 19, 2024 20:58:35 GMT
Oh my....I could have written this post as well.
When we moved to TN we had to take MIL with us. DH is an only child and she has zero retirement (social security only) so leaving her in CA wasn't an option. She is unable to afford anything on her own since her income is limited. We are unable to contribute what it would take to get her into her own place so we are stuck. It's been miserable.
When you wrote I feel as though I am living but not loving life I wanted to send you a hug because I feel the exact same.
She monopolizes the whole first floor, I can't even tell you the last time I watched something in the front room that I picked. She sits in a recliner all day watching Fox Business and then tells us how to manage our finances. We invite her to go with us but she rarely does and since she just sits all day she can now barely walk. If she does go with us we either have to take a motorized scooter or her walker and then she complains all the time about how she can't walk.
Like you I spend most of my time upstairs in my office. I have a small couch and TV in there but there are times when I want to be downstairs or take a nap on the big couch.
I want my house back!!
I don't have any suggestions except create your space to be the best it can be. I have finally gotten over feeling guilty about going places without her. DH does the best he can do to keep her in check (she has been known to get sent to time out in her room) but it's hard.
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 6,291 
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Post by pantsonfire on Aug 19, 2024 21:09:31 GMT
Time to set some ground rules since they weren't established when you moved her in.
If that doesn't work then dh needs to agree to have her move to a senior living apartment community.
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kokomo37
Full Member
Posts: 168
Apr 17, 2022 21:03:36 GMT
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Post by kokomo37 on Aug 19, 2024 21:09:52 GMT
Unfortunately, she wants to die in this home! At times I think about moving lol ! My husband could always an d visit me. !
She is very independent, drives to all her own appts if they are in our same town. If they are 30 minutes away my husband takes her.
My husband and I agreed when we got married 22 years ago, I would take care of my family and he would take care of his . It’s just his mom and nephew now. I am not and have never been close to his nephew.
She does not want to make friends . She does not want to make any effort to get involved in anything except be involved with my kids and grandkids
It’s a terrible feeling. I can’t believe this is my life. Thanks for the hug
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kokomo37
Full Member
Posts: 168
Apr 17, 2022 21:03:36 GMT
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Post by kokomo37 on Aug 19, 2024 21:27:07 GMT
We DID SET GROUND RULES. and constantly reminder her of them . . For example my husband and I were talking in our living room space. and she walks in the room and starts talking . When she finished I said to her, “ could you please listen to see if we are talking before interrupting” Her reply was I did and didn’t hear anything.!!!
She will never admit she is in the wrong or could do something different
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kokomo37
Full Member
Posts: 168
Apr 17, 2022 21:03:36 GMT
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Post by kokomo37 on Aug 19, 2024 21:28:05 GMT
She says she won’t move and to be honest she does contribute 1/3 towards the mortgage
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Post by gar on Aug 19, 2024 21:34:21 GMT
Current resentment aside, what is your relationship like? It does sound as though you’re going to have to lay it out clearly to her but that’s going to be much harder if it wasn’t done initially.
Good luck!
I’ve just read your latest but one post - ouch!
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Post by nightnurse on Aug 19, 2024 22:21:59 GMT
This sounds so hard! I firmly believe that until you do it, you can’t fully appreciate what taking care of an elderly family member will be like. It’s great that she can drive and doesn’t need physical care but she is still in your space. I validate your frustrations. I wish I had advice. There is no way to make her do things she doesn’t want to do. Is there any way to minimize how often she needs to come to the kitchen? Maybe a mini fridge and microwave in her space?
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Post by katlady on Aug 19, 2024 22:22:38 GMT
After reading your last post, I would say that unless you can do without her contribution to the mortgage, I would find some way to put together your own little space. Do you have an extra bedroom you can turn into your “den”?
She does sound a little lonely, even though she is independent. I know my mom would rather spend time with family than go out with friends. In fact, my mom really no longer has friends that she talks to. It is all family, but she has always been like this, preferring family to friends. Can you make “rules” such as meal time is together time and then after that you all go to your separate area of the house?
Good luck. Multi-generational living is not easy.
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Post by smasonnc on Aug 19, 2024 22:39:43 GMT
Unfortunately, she wants to die in this home! I really feel for you. It's a tough situation having another person in your house, especially one who isn't considerate. You need to carve out time for yourself, whether it's a book club, doing crafts, music, roller skating, anything that gets your head out of the situation. You're essentially a caregiver and sometimes you have to put the mask over your own nose and mouth first. My in-laws moved to be near us so we could do stuff for them. MIL said for years, "I don't want to go into a home." I told DH he could have one woman in the house. Choose wisely. She and FIL were hypochondriacs who had been whining about their health since their 40s. They were never there for us, never took an interest in our kids, and expected us to jump when they needed something without regard for our convenience. I know it's awful but I was too resentful to feel any obligation. DH had a promotion to move to Hong Kong and the summer before we left she decided she couldn't live alone anymore so she moved in with us. We suspected it was a ploy to stop us from moving which was partly true. When it became clear that she wouldn't go home, we arranged for her to go to assisted living with the approval of BIL who is single and spent a lot of time with her. BIL didn't feel like she should be alone all day so it was a good solution and it turned out great. There were lots of activities and people her age. She dumped all her other friends, though, because lunch was paid for and she didn't want to spend money going out. Having her in a home was a godsend for me because I'd have been with her all day every day and she talked incessantly. We don't always get to choose what happens when we get older. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 20, 2024 0:24:46 GMT
After reading all of the posts, I think I would start looking for a different house with a better setup for multigenerational living, meaning her space would be totally separated from yours—preferably with a locking door in between that she doesn’t have a key for. I’m not even kidding because what you’ve described would drive me nuts.
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Post by jill8909 on Aug 20, 2024 1:30:10 GMT
Very familiar with this issue, although it worked out for us, mostly.
Can she afford to live elsewhere?
Will your husband be able to tolerate the anxiety of asking (telling) his mother to move out?
Can you afford to buy a different home with more separation?
Find out what is available in your area for senior housing before you raise this so that there is an alternative available.
If there isn't any practical alternative, then I am just sorry.
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kokomo37
Full Member
Posts: 168
Apr 17, 2022 21:03:36 GMT
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Post by kokomo37 on Aug 20, 2024 2:30:13 GMT
Financially if we sold the house and moved separately it would be a big financial hit to all of us . The house would sell sale for around $800,000. Median sales are 700,000 to 1.2 million and this for an average house of 2000 square feet. Rents are outrageous $2,500.00 to $3,500 a month plus utilities.
We live just north of Toronto . We have looked at houses an hour away in all directions , and the prices are all the same. It’s really crazy. Condos are slightly cheaper but then you have condo fees which are a minimum $1000 per month and there is little control of those costs rising. It’s actually cheaper to have a mortgage then it is to rent
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,346
Location: Colorado
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Post by snyder on Aug 20, 2024 3:17:33 GMT
My mother is in early stage of dementia. She wants us to be there 24/7 which is not feasible for me or my 2 siblings. Our children and their children are of working aga and all work. They do visit on weekends and will help when and where they can. She also has a cleaning lady, several church friends and a couple of neighbors that visit quite regulary.
We have introduced the thought of her moving to assisted living and its a heck NO. When she starts complaining how lonely it is, we touch on the subject, but its alwasy, I'm not going any where if if you make me, I'm writing you out of the will. lol She's almost 94 and wouldn't even know where to begin to do that. ha!
We have accepted that moving her is probably never happen unless dementia progresses to the stage of her not being safe at home.
It is hard.
Hope all those that have gone through it and are going through it with aging will find some peace.
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,435
Location: New York, NY
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Post by christinec68 on Aug 20, 2024 15:19:51 GMT
This is such a tough situation. Can the house be modified to give her more of her own space to limit the need to be in your part of the house: add a door, a second kitchen, an extension?
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,850
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Aug 20, 2024 17:27:02 GMT
Financially if we sold the house and moved separately it would be a big financial hit to all of us . The house would sell sale for around $800,000. Median sales are 700,000 to 1.2 million and this for an average house of 2000 square feet. Rents are outrageous $2,500.00 to $3,500 a month plus utilities. We live just north of Toronto . We have looked at houses an hour away in all directions , and the prices are all the same. It’s really crazy. Condos are slightly cheaper but then you have condo fees which are a minimum $1000 per month and there is little control of those costs rising. It’s actually cheaper to have a mortgage then it is to rent I'm so sorry that you are in this difficult position. Yes, housing in your area is unrealistic. Is there any resources for adult day care where she could go during the daytime hours? I would see what older adult resources your region offers. Is it possible to lock the entrance to the kitchen or put up a sign in large letters that say "Open" or "Closed" and explain the reason for this? Again, you are in a very tough spot. Big (((hugs))) to you and your DH. |
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Post by katlady on Aug 20, 2024 17:53:44 GMT
How many stories does the house have? It sounds like the MIL is in the basement and is there a second story where your bedrooms are? Since she is paying for 1/3 of the house, you need to make boundaries within the house. The bottom level is hers, the top floor is for you and your SO, and the ground floor is common area since this is where the kitchen and laundry room is. It is sort of like apartment living with roommates. You have a common area for everyone, and you also have your private areas. My relative has a similar situation with her in-laws. They share a kitchen, they cook and eat together, but then they go to their respective areas after that if they want privacy. There is a sitting area on the top floor for my relative and her family to watch TV, away from the in-laws. i don’t want to entertain my kids and grandkids as she always wants to be included and I resent it. Does that make me a terrible person ? No it does not make you a terrible person, but remember, these are her grandkids and great-grandkids too. Sounds like she wants to be a part of the family. Hugs to you and hope you can figure something out!! |
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 20, 2024 18:15:13 GMT
Oh my....I could have written this post as well. When we moved to TN we had to take MIL with us. DH is an only child and she has zero retirement (social security only) so leaving her in CA wasn't an option. She is unable to afford anything on her own since her income is limited. We are unable to contribute what it would take to get her into her own place so we are stuck. It's been miserable. When you wrote I feel as though I am living but not loving life I wanted to send you a hug because I feel the exact same. She monopolizes the whole first floor, I can't even tell you the last time I watched something in the front room that I picked. She sits in a recliner all day watching Fox Business and then tells us how to manage our finances. We invite her to go with us but she rarely does and since she just sits all day she can now barely walk. If she does go with us we either have to take a motorized scooter or her walker and then she complains all the time about how she can't walk. Like you I spend most of my time upstairs in my office. I have a small couch and TV in there but there are times when I want to be downstairs or take a nap on the big couch. I want my house back!! I don't have any suggestions except create your space to be the best it can be. I have finally gotten over feeling guilty about going places without her. DH does the best he can do to keep her in check (she has been known to get sent to time out in her room) but it's hard. This makes me so mad for you. I would tell her she's had the tv all day and after dinner I WOULD be taking one the tv to watch what I wanted. Put a small tv in her room if she doesn't have one yet. She doesn't get the tv all dang day. Fox News would put me over the edge. Then I would watch CNN all evening for a while .  |
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 20, 2024 18:24:16 GMT
OP, maybe she is too comfortable. If she interrupts you, call her out every dang time. "You are interrupting." If she says she doesn't know, then tell her that is why you are telling her. She will eventually learn (perhaps) that she should spend a little more time trying to assess the situation. Be firm. It is your house. She's 80 and is trying to use that to do what she wants. I hear people say all of the time they can't wait to get old and say whatever they want. She knows she has you stuck, but she doesn't need to get her way and be comfortable all of the time. Find your inner teen and make her think about finding a better place for herself. Even if she doesn't move, she will start to think twice before acting the way she does now.
My MIL wasn't a fan of my more outspoken personality and I told my husband that I could not live with her. I told him there would only be one of us in the house. He did think at one time that he would take her for three months out of the year when she got too old to live by herself. I told him that I would go to a hotel and find somewhere else to live. I grew up in home where my gma lived with us. She was disabled and spent most of her day in her room. I do understand that there are some situations where you have to take in a parent, but yours doesn't seem like one of them.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 21, 2024 14:31:44 GMT
My mother was mad when she once said if something happened to dad, she'd move in with me. I told her there was no chance of that happening. kokomo37 I think you need to sit down with your DH and explain you are seriously at the end of your rope. He needs to set some boundaries with his mother and enforce them. I think it would be fine to tell her she can't come into the living room after 7 pm, that is your private time. I assume she can watch tv in her own space. |
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Post by rst on Aug 21, 2024 15:06:24 GMT
Can you work more hours during the school year? That gives you more time away from her, plus might improve the finances as you work toward a better solution. As far as spending time with your kids and grandkids, can you start meeting up other places in addition to in your home, so that you maintain that time together, but don't always have her in the mix?
When you're having constant annoying experiences, it's easy to forget that you are benefiting from this arrangement-- she's paying 1/3 of the housing, which in the big picture is a lot of money. Your DH is not traveling to care for her, so his time is maximized. A technique you could try-- institute one day of the week when she's invited up for a dinner you prepare or take out she particularly enjoys, you and your DH and she watch a movie or something other than FOX that everyone at least somewhat enjoys, maybe old family slides or movies?, then you chat for half an hour. This becomes the routine, and other times that she intrudes, you pleasantly say, "let's save that for our Thursday get-together"
You wish that she had other outlets, had more friends other than you and your DH, etc. That's all legit, but also, can read like a to-do note for self. If you're out with friends, doing things, engaging with people outside your home, at the very least you're modeling for her what an alternative way to behave could look like. And you're establishing habits so that you don't end up behaving like her. This observation coming from my realization that the things that annoy me most about other people are often rooted in aspects of myself that I'm not happy about.
Maybe your post was just to vent and get it out of your system, and that's legit. To a point. Taking steps to change either the situation or your own mindset about it is more productive and will leave you happier in the long run.
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