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Post by FrozenPea on Aug 31, 2024 18:55:17 GMT
How do you get a 77yo to respect boundaries?
I say 2 is when the others are arriving, she shows up at noon. We always tell her a later time but she comes when she wants.
She used to just pop over to see us without calling first & knocks while walking in!
Dh finally told her one day you might walk into something you don't want to see. We are still young like honeymooners! Lol. She got that message. But I cannot get her to respect time boundaries.
Today we told her later because my best friend & her dhthat I haven't seen in a year is coming to visit & wanted a little time with just them. But god forbid is she isn't there when they arrive. Dh invited her & bil to eat with us without talking to me. We told her 130, she's here 2 hours early! I am hiding in my bathroom! Lol
Ok I just needed to vent. Breathe.
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Post by gar on Aug 31, 2024 19:08:25 GMT
Does she see it as ‘not applying to her’ because she’s close family? As in…2pm is for the others to arrive at, but I know I can pop over earlier?
Or is she lonely and perhaps doesn’t have much to occupy her time so she looks for company?
Or is she just rude? 🤷🏼♀️
Good luck though getting her to change her ways!
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Post by FrozenPea on Aug 31, 2024 19:15:18 GMT
Does she see it as ‘not applying to her’ because she’s close family? As in…2pm is for the others to arrive at, but I know I can pop over earlier? Or is she lonely and perhaps doesn’t have much to occupy her time so she looks for company? Or is she just rude? 🤷🏼♀️ Good luck though getting her to change her ways! Yes to 1 & 2. We moved here last year and bought a house in March about 5 minutes from her. We have a walkout basement that will be turned into an apartment for her IF needed in the future. She's pushing for it now. Dh has repeatedly told her not now. She's very healthy, rides her bike daily, does yoga on better shape than me. She has tons of friends and is always busy. She's never been a rule follower. We have to be blunt with her but then her feelings are hurt and she cries. It's just exhausting. It's always been this way. Sigh. |
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,508
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Aug 31, 2024 19:18:20 GMT
I had a relative that did that. I don't mind 30 minutes early but anything over that is too early. So when they came over an hour early "to help me get ready" and I was still un-showered, I told them they could vacuum the living room and sweep the kitchen while I showered. That stopped it. Now they're only a few minutes early. And they live literally 3.2 miles away.
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Post by don on Aug 31, 2024 19:48:22 GMT
I would put her to work. " I'm glad you are WAY early, could you wash the kitchen floor and vacuum the carpets, while I get ready for the party?"
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Post by ~summer~ on Aug 31, 2024 19:54:28 GMT
Why don’t you just say sonething?
When they show up, can you ask them to come back in 2 hours?
And when you invite them, request they not show up early.
Set some boundaries - it doesn’t seem like you have actually tried?
ETA - if she cries over this, that’s her issue not yours.
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Post by sunnyd on Aug 31, 2024 19:57:01 GMT
My mil did that. Once I just decided not to answer the door until I was ready for her arrival. She actually broke my doorbell, burned the damn thing up. But she finally left and came back at the correct time.  |
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Post by jill8909 on Aug 31, 2024 19:58:46 GMT
you and your husband are going to need to learn to tolerate the anxiety of making her unhappy. If you cannot do that, then good luck when she moves in.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 31, 2024 20:17:55 GMT
Why don’t you just say sonething? When they show up, can you ask them to come back in 2 hours? And when you invite them, request they not show up early. Set some boundaries - it doesn’t seem like you have actually tried? Not the OP, but we deal with this with my DB. Long story short, he had drug & alcohol addictions & mental health challenges that had him out of the family picture for decades. For the last 10ish years he has very much wanted to be with the family and ALWAYS shows up early, sometimes waiting outside before my sis & BIL get home from work. Even if I'm meeting him somewhere for breakfast/lunch/coffee he will show up a couple hours early. Part of it is he doesn't have a lot of other things going on in his life, part is anxiety over not being on time or in the right place and part is an obliviousness to to others' needs. He's so happy to see us, why wouldn't we be even happier to see him a couple hours early? His mental health is fragile, so we will vent to each other but no longer try to change his ways. If we are meeting at our sister's I would get him to stop at my place so we could walk over together knowing I was going to have a couple hours visit before heading over. His anxiety made it really hard for him to relax until we were actually on our way at the right time. Sorry, FrozenPea, I don't think this situation has an easy answer/solution. |
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Post by KiwiJo on Aug 31, 2024 20:51:00 GMT
Asking people to change their behaviours is not setting boundaries - setting boundaries is all about your own behaviours, not someone else’s. In this instance, your boundary could be telling her what suits you (asking her to not arrive any earlier than XXX) AND if she does arrive early you will do YYY. The boundary is what line you don’t want crossed and what you will do if it is. You don't need to tell her what the consequence will be, you just need to be ready to do it to respect your own boundaries.
Instead of telling her what time something starts or when others will be there, try telling her that it would really help you if she doesn’t arrive before (insert specific time here). Reinforce that a few minutes later, or when the conversation ends, with “so please don’t come before Specific Time.” It’s direct and clear without being confrontational.
Then have a plan that involves sending her home if she does arrive early - she’s only 5 minutes away so it’s not unreasonable. Could you get DH to drive her home, with the promise to pick her up at the Specific Time. Then if it happens again, he drives her home but it’s up to her to get herself back again. If it still happens at yet another time, just tell her that “I’m sorry, we’re not ready for visitors yet, please could you come back at Specific Time” when you open the door. Yes, it may be tough and there may be tears but that’s ok.
When issuing the invitation and the times, it’s absolutely ok to give reasons such as “we really want to spend some time with just us and my best friend before anyone else gets here”. Don’t be afraid to be direct without being rude.
Not to put too fine a point on it, you are going to have to get used to reinforcing your boundaries before she moves into your basement, otherwise you will get more and more resentful and fearful of it happening. And that’s not a criticism at all, it’s just the way most people are. She also needs to get used to you and your DH reinforcing your boundaries. It will be vital that you and your DH are on the same page every single time, especially as I gather she is DH’s relative. Pre-empt every get-together with her, by you and DH having a plan of action, and sticking to it.
The other side of it all of course, is you and DH simply accepting that this is how she is and that you will deal with it.
There really isn’t too many other options, is there? You either have a plan of how you will respond to what she does, or you accept what she does. Either is a completely valid option.
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Post by flanz on Aug 31, 2024 20:59:12 GMT
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
For your own sanity, can you just not invite her to some gatherings, especially when there is someone you want to spend some one on one time with?
Ditto what everyone else shared about boundaries BEFORE she moves in.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 31, 2024 21:12:38 GMT
ot to put too fine a point on it, you are going to have to get used to reinforcing your boundaries before she moves into your basement, otherwise you will get more and more resentful and fearful of it happening. And that’s not a criticism at all, it’s just the way most people are. She also needs to get used to you and your DH reinforcing your boundaries. It will be vital that you and your DH are on the same page every single time, especially as I gather she is DH’s relative. Pre-empt every get-together with her, by you and DH having a plan of action, and sticking to it. Lots of good advice in your post KiwiJo. I especially agree with your caution about boundaries going forward. |
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 31, 2024 22:40:03 GMT
Does she see it as ‘not applying to her’ because she’s close family? As in…2pm is for the others to arrive at, but I know I can pop over earlier? Or is she lonely and perhaps doesn’t have much to occupy her time so she looks for company? Or is she just rude? 🤷🏼♀️ Good luck though getting her to change her ways! Yes to 1 & 2. We moved here last year and bought a house in March about 5 minutes from her. We have a walkout basement that will be turned into an apartment for her IF needed in the future. She's pushing for it now. Dh has repeatedly told her not now. She's very healthy, rides her bike daily, does yoga on better shape than me. She has tons of friends and is always busy. She's never been a rule follower. We have to be blunt with her but then her feelings are hurt and she cries. It's just exhausting. It's always been this way. Sigh. Sounds to me that she learned the lesson young that you can get your way by crying. If she were not elderly my guess is that would be easier to recognize. I’ve had to deal with relatives whose tool is getting angry and yelling (rather than crying), and it has taken me until the last half-dozen years to really understand that they are totally fine with me being upset, but expect me to be responsible for their emotions if they are upset. No, thank you. I basically echo Kiwi Jo: boundaries are for you, not for other people. You decide your own, and you decide what happens if they are violated. I had to deal with someone who felt similarly entitled to waltz in when they wanted (and my house has a security gate with a code, so this person was extra-entitled), and after they responded to my “we are not available if you arrive before 2” by arriving before 2, I responded the next time by not being home before 2. When they yelled at me, I reminded them what I had told them. They were super mad, but they didn’t do it again. |
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Aug 31, 2024 22:55:48 GMT
Does she have a key to your house? If so, change the locks and do NOT give her a copy of the key. And when you are home, lock your doors and do NOT answer!
Since you know she will arrive 2 hours early, tell her the dinner or whatever is at 6 when it is really at 4. We had to do that for a relative when we lived in Minnesota.
Are her feelings really hurt or is she just manipulating y'all and doing crocodile tears?
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FurryP
Drama Llama
To pea or not to pea...
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Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
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Post by FurryP on Aug 31, 2024 23:39:20 GMT
you and your husband are going to need to learn to tolerate the anxiety of making her unhappy. If you cannot do that, then good luck when she moves in. I agree. I think she is going to have to toughen up with a few cries. I hate when people do that. My dad's wife cries too. Except she lives in another state so I don't have to deal with that, much. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Sept 1, 2024 0:52:24 GMT
Politely saying >> It is going to continue to happen, because you are not enforcing the boundary.
You and your husband need to stand strong and stand your ground..... every single time.
You need to not answer the door or answer and say "we are not ready yet, please come back at "the appointed time"(do NOT allow her entry), repeat, repeat, repeat, etc..
By not enforcing the boundary, you are allowing her behavior to continue and she will never change.
I would point blank tell her >> from now on if you arrive more than 10 minutes early for the appointed time, we will not be answering the door or we will be telling you (not asking) to depart and come back at the appointed time.
That is how you enforce a boundary.
When and if, you let her move in.....you need to have firm rules and boundaries (in writing, so she can't misunderstand).
If you don't have firm rules and boundaries, her behavior will likely get worse....popping in whenever she feels like it.
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 1, 2024 2:31:27 GMT
I would just say that you aren't opening the door early. You have too many things to do prepare and then hold to it. If your husband can answer the door and tell her to come back, that would be perfect. If not, you do it. It probably won't take more than a few times of doing that. I hate when people show up 15 minutes early.
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Post by FrozenPea on Sept 1, 2024 3:06:26 GMT
Thank you everyone for all the great advice.
Dh did suggest that she help him mow the lawn when she showed up, and she did.And she did leave early, which was nice.
Dh says he is going to talk to her again. Setting boundaries is all new to us as we haven't lived this close to her in years. This is all new since we moved here last year.
Thank you all again. It really helped me just to vent and gather helpful ideas.
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Post by lg on Sept 1, 2024 4:30:51 GMT
I have in laws literally across the road and parents five mins away and we have a “call before going over policy” - we always call before we are going over (kids included) and respect if we receive a “no” or “not now” answer.
It has resulted in a healthy relationship with zero issues and we love that they are all so close (even going on an overseas trip with mil later in the year).
Please note that you need to have a healthy relationship with known boundaries BEFORE anyone moves in with you. Close proximity is NOT going to fix the situation.
Maybe if she keeps on with the antics, be blunt through her tears and state “until you can understand that no means no, and that one pm means one pm then you will NOT be moving into this house. I need to feel secure and safe in my own house with a clear understanding that you will respect me before we are living under the same roof.”
If you do not call me first, I will look through the shutters at who is at the front door and not answer the doorbell. You can stand there as long as you want, and I’m more than happy to unplug the doorbell so it no longer works if you keep ringing it.
But I am also a person who will be at your house at the time you give me - so if you say the party starts at one then I will be there at one, not at two so be warned 😂
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