styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,971
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 29, 2024 2:16:26 GMT
I have two young adult daughters (19 and 21). Both are amazing great kids, so I really have nothing to complain about and this is not a big issue but advice from other Pea Parents would be appreciated!
DD19 is the communicator. Somehow, she's always in the loop. She tells me a lot of stuff.
DD21 is more private and reserved about people knowing her business.
DD19 told me about an almost situation that DD21's boyfriend got into last night. DD21 really should tell us about it, but probably won't. --- Nothing earth shattering, dangerous or illegal. LOL --- (Just a shake-your-head thing that makes you wish your kid would pick a better person to be with).
After I was already in-the-know, DD19 called me and said DD21 asked her not to say anything to us about it.
OOPS, too late, would have been my response ... But nooooooo, now we're wrapped into this, "Mom, you can't tell her I told you about it," thing. UGH.
I know I will try my best not to let it slip that I know (since it's not a crazy-bad thing) ... But how do you deal?
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Post by librarylady on Sept 29, 2024 2:34:07 GMT
I would tell #1 that she has to tell #2 that, "oops, I already shared with Mom."
Then no one has to worry about letting it slip.
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Post by leannec on Sept 29, 2024 2:37:21 GMT
My dd's are exactly the same ... the 21 year old tells me everything and we have long open adult conversations ... it's awesome!  My 25 year old is the opposite ... she has been with her boyfriend since they were 16 ... he is great ... but she tells me almost nothing about her life other than her job because she is a teacher like me ... she doesn't want to hear about my personal life so I don't mention it ... I am single and it makes her uncomfortable ... I want to tell her to get over it but I can't  My advice to you is to keep the secret to yourself even though it will be hard ... good luck! |
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Post by littlemama on Sept 29, 2024 2:47:45 GMT
An "almost situation"? Put it out of your mind and dont mention it. Without context, idk why you think your older daughter "should have" told you about it.
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on Sept 29, 2024 2:57:43 GMT
My opinion is you would let younger dd know that it isn't her place to spill the tea about older dd and her bf or wat went on wen she sees things.
Not her place.
Let us go and forget about it.
It wasn't important to your older dd so she felt no need to share it.
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Post by gracieplusthree on Sept 29, 2024 3:31:05 GMT
Same way I keep any other secrets..
to myself.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,971
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 29, 2024 3:40:21 GMT
My opinion is you would let younger dd know that it isn't her place to spill the tea about older dd and her bf or wat went on wen she sees things. Not her place. Let us go and forget about it. It wasn't important to your older dd so she felt no need to share it. Without actually sharing the exact situation, it was a dumb decision made by DD's BF that could have been disastrous IF he wasn't lucky. I really is just another straw to go on the camel's back ... I feel that DD is embarassed by his actions and doesn't want us to know. (If that makes sense! Sorry to be cryptic!) |
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 29, 2024 3:41:29 GMT
Without context, idk why you think your older daughter "should have" told you about it. This is so true. She is an adult and doesn't have to tell us stuff! |
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Post by AussieMeg on Sept 29, 2024 7:29:32 GMT
I really is just another straw to go on the camel's back ... I feel that DD is embarassed by his actions and doesn't want us to know. (If that makes sense! Sorry to be cryptic!) I wonder if it's more a case of your daughter knows you wish she was with someone else, and that's why she doesn't share these things with you? Perhaps she can sense your judgement? My daughter doesn't share everything about her life and relationship with me, just like I don't share everything about mine with her. I do understand your predicament though. The other day I found myself in a similar situation, where somebody had told me something, then when one of the people involved also told me, I had to pretend that I didn't already know. I was so worried that I would slip up! |
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Post by KiwiJo on Sept 29, 2024 8:17:54 GMT
How do you deal with knowing something to do with your daughter, but not letting on that you know?
In exactly the same way as you don’t share everything in your own life with them.
I bet there are several things that you did, or that happened to you, that you haven’t told your daughters about.
You deal with this in exactly the same way - you just don’t mention it.
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Post by lainey on Sept 29, 2024 9:39:03 GMT
I think DD19 needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be blabbing other people's business, she runs the risk of completely ruining her relationship with her older sister if she can't keep things to herself. She's showing she can't be trusted.
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Rhondito
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MississipPea
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Post by Rhondito on Sept 29, 2024 14:13:12 GMT
You say nothing. If you do it'll only make the older daughter mad at her sister for telling you.
As far as the boyfriend, keep your feelings about him to yourself and most likely that situation will take care of itself.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 29, 2024 15:17:35 GMT
You say nothing. If you do it'll only make the older daughter mad at her sister for telling you. As far as the boyfriend, keep your feelings about him to yourself and most likely that situation will take care of itself. Agree. I'm not sure why it's an issue - one daughter screwed up by telling you and you don't out her and you don't say anything about any of it. |
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 29, 2024 15:24:28 GMT
Wait until the 21 year old tells you. Otherwise it is a non situation. I was raised with boys and raised boys. Their way of thinking in some ways makes life so much easier. If it isn't big deal, it isn't a big deal. Put it out of your mind and wait until you are told. My youngest son and I had a personal conversation 9 years ago and after that, I said, "we shall never speak of this again." We haven't. I love that we had that moment, but now it is over.
I don't think anyone did anything wrong particularly. Just events that happened.
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Post by melanell on Sept 29, 2024 15:32:50 GMT
I wouldn't say anything to anyone.
You one daughter feels comfortable coming to you with things that are on her mind, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, even if it occasionally puts you into this sort of position.
I see no reason for your more private daughter to know her sister spilled the beans. She's willing to talk to her, and it's good for her to have someone in the family she feels she can tell these things to. I wouldn't want to make her feel she couldn't talk to her sister about issues in the future.
I agree with you that your daughter is likely embarrassed that whatever happened did happen. And since it's not a dangerous or illegal situation, I'd keep quiet about it in hopes that your daughter will come to realize this isn't the right person for her on her own.
Hugs!
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Post by lisacharlotte on Sept 30, 2024 0:40:17 GMT
I was always the private person growing up and didn't tell my mother anything. I didn't want her advice. You need to let it go. However, I would have a discussion with your younger daughter about spilling her sister's private information. If it gets out, she won't be trusted in the future. I also suspect your older daughter knows how you feel about her boyfriend. It's probably the reason she's not sharing details with you.
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SabrinaP
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Busy Teacher Pea
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Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Sept 30, 2024 0:44:27 GMT
I’m pretty good at keeping things private so I wouldn’t have an issue. In the future you might tell DD19 not to share things with you that aren’t her story to share.
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 30, 2024 2:41:42 GMT
I wonder if it's more a case of your daughter knows you wish she was with someone else, and that's why she doesn't share these things with you? Perhaps she can sense your judgement? This is absolutely spot on! He has done her wrong quite a few times. She has chosen to forgiven him, each time so we accept him back too because I won't lose my relationship with her because of a boyfriend. I just don't think she wants us to know and have additional info that makes him look negative. (Not that what we think matters too much! LOL) They came over to watch football today and it is cordial. Feels polite but not "easy" KWIM? He mostly sits on the couch glued to his phone. Hardly talks even though we try to make conversation. |
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 30, 2024 2:52:26 GMT
I think DD19 needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be blabbing other people's business, she runs the risk of completely ruining her relationship with her older sister if she can't keep things to herself. She's showing she can't be trusted. DD19 told me about it BEFORE her old sister told her not to. LOL DD19 found out about it from a mutual friend that was part of the situation that had called her for a ride that night. (DD19 is also the one had to alert her older sister, who was at work, of what was going on because the boyfriend didn't know where is phone was and it was dead). The next day, when DD21 knew I would be seeing DD19 she called and told little sister, "Don't tell Mom". By then, it was too late! LOL I am sure those girls have secrets that they have NOT shared with me! Hehehe! |
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 30, 2024 2:53:17 GMT
As far as the boyfriend, keep your feelings about him to yourself and most likely that situation will take care of itself. Very good advice! :-) |
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 30, 2024 2:54:52 GMT
I wouldn't say anything to anyone. You one daughter feels comfortable coming to you with things that are on her mind, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, even if it occasionally puts you into this sort of position. I see no reason for your more private daughter to know her sister spilled the beans. She's willing to talk to her, and it's good for her to have someone in the family she feels she can tell these things to. I wouldn't want to make her feel she couldn't talk to her sister about issues in the future. I agree with you that your daughter is likely embarrassed that whatever happened did happen. And since it's not a dangerous or illegal situation, I'd keep quiet about it in hopes that your daughter will come to realize this isn't the right person for her on her own. Hugs! Thank you for this! |
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,971
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 30, 2024 3:03:28 GMT
I was always the private person growing up and didn't tell my mother anything. I didn't want her advice. You need to let it go. However, I would have a discussion with your younger daughter about spilling her sister's private information. If it gets out, she won't be trusted in the future. I also suspect your older daughter knows how you feel about her boyfriend. It's probably the reason she's not sharing details with you.You are 100% right on the bolded part! DD21 has chosen to forgive him for things he's done in this past year. As parents, to keep our relationship with older DD, we have also moved past it as she requested. We are nice. We invite, include and treat him before he broke her heart a couple of times. I say nothing bad about him to her, but I know DD21 doesn't want us to hear anything additional that might make him look unfavorable to us. (This is a red flag to me as it could escalate into her hiding bigger things, IF they ever come about). I have no reason to think anything bigger might be going on, but, as a Mom, I think you are always on the lookout to protect your children. At the time younger DD told me the info, it wasn't private information ... She heard about it because a mutual friend in the situation called her for a ride. It wasn't until the next day that her older sister told her not to tell me. Poor kid, gets stuck in the middle! |
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