Teen boy struggles

Hugs, being a mom can be so hard.

I wish I had an answer for you. You are already doing the things I would think to do.

Does he have a hobby, or perhaps one he has given up on, that he could dive into a little deeper?

Can his pediatrician get him in sooner? Also maybe the pediatrician can recommend a telehealth program until you get an in person appt.

I listen to podcasts and keep hearing an ad for "better help" - it has a fee and is online counselling/help, and they cater the therapist to your needs.

Maybe try that?

Hugs to you both, being a teenager and being a teenager's mum is not for the faint of heart.

Any information I have is UK based but my suggestions might cross the ocean.

Tap into the knowledge of parents with older teens in your circle, it can be an eye opener how many families are working through issues but do not broadcast the situation.

Are there any charities/helplines that offer support, maybe if you mention the state involved a pea might be able to help.

Keep the lines of communication open, going for drive in the car is a good option. No eye contact , no distractions.

Is there something he would get involved with that helps others, carrying out tasks for the elder etc. Something that would make him feel good about himself.

Funnily enough, there is a advert on the tv here suggesting that people get at least twenty mins in the fresh air to help with stress and anxiety.

The link is to the NHS UK, there maybe info that is useful like books and videos.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/self-help-therapies/

For something that you, as his parent, can do right now is sit down and have a conversation with him, explaining to him a few things about this stage of his life to help him understand some things.  When my son was about 7 years old, my cousin’s child chose to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution.  It terrified me and I decided to start talking to my son about how his mind and body would go through many changes before he was fully grown.  I reminded him how very much he had changed already in his short little life and that there were many more changes to come.  We would talk about these changes on his birthday every year and he would tell me how he was changing and maturing and I would give him both more freedoms and more responsibilities.

Let him know that his brain is not working at its full potential yet and won’t be until he is about 25 years old.  That is perfectly normal and everyone, male and female, has to go through this.  Remind him how much his thinking has changed since he was younger.  And tell him that it is very important that he not make a decision that could alter the rest of his life when he is working with a brain that isn’t done yet.

He is in the final stages of puberty and his hormones/body chemicals are changing which can affect his moods. (I related this to my son and compared it to my PMS symptoms which are caused big changes in me.  He knew when I was PMSing because I would get upset over something that normally wouldn’t bother me at all.  And he saw me return to normal when my hormones were back to normal.  I told my son that teen years is kind of like PMS and that he will start to feel normal and stable in a few more years.  And I told him that being a boy, he was lucky that he won’t have to go through this every month for many years like women do.  I added that when he grows up and gets married, to have compassion for his wife because she might have bad PMS too.)

Reassure him that everything he is going through is perfectly normal for a boy his age, and most importantly, it will not last.  Once he is fully “cooked” he will look back on how he is feeling right now and know that it was truly no big deal and he just needs to hang on.  Tell him he can tell you anything.  Remind him you were 16 once and you may not remember everything, but you get it.  You understand how he might feel and will be there to listen to anything he has to say.

Let him know that it is normal for teens to experiment with things and to kind of try on different personality traits to see what feels right to them.  When my son was behaving in a way that I hoped was not permanent, I would tell him that I didn’t like that personality trait that he was testing out and that I hoped to see it leave ASAP.  He would laugh when I would say this.  But I made sure to direct my displeasure at the hopefully temporary personality trait, not at him as a person.  It got the message across without him feeling attacked.

The biggest take away from all of this information is not to do anything that is permanent or will get him into long term trouble with the law.

Teen suicide can happen because they think that what they feel in that moment will be how they will feel forever, that things will never get any better for them.  You can reassure him that anything he is thinking and feeling right now is just temporary and that you are there to remind him of that any time he is feeling hopeless.  He can always, always talk to you.

And as others are saying consider getting him in with a therapist when you can.  I had my son in with a child therapist when he was about 7 or 8 years old due to some things he was witnessing and hearing at his father’s house.  He would come home from his weekends there and be a different kid.  He would tell me about having to hide in his room under the bed because his dad and second wife would fight and pull each other’s hair and say bad words in front of him.  It really scared him.  I would use his grandparents as my example, asking him if he could picture Grandpa and Grandma pulling each other’s hair like that.  He thought that was the funniest thing.  Of course they wouldn’t do that. I told him to use them as his normal people example.  Whenever he saw his dad do something that was upsetting, ask himself if Grandpa would do that.  If his answer was no, then he would know what he was seeing and hearing was not right and not healthy and he could talk to the therapist to learn how to process it all.

I told him the therapist was to be his special person and that he could tell him anything about either his father or me and how it made him feel.  And that this guy would give him ways to cope with what he was experiencing.  I told him the therapist could not tell me anything he said to him.  But he may give me ideas that I could do to be helpful and supportive.  I reassured him it wasn’t tattling when he was talking to the therapist.  He went for a couple of months, and then any time he wanted to go talk to him again, that I would make him another appointment.  It really seemed to help him and he became more confident and much less upset when he came back from his dad’s house.

Parenting is hard work, isn’t it?

He is talking to you which is awesome!!! It is hard and they really don't see anyone else as struggling with self doubt, but continuing to talk and stay calm is so important. Get on the counseling wait list and talk to your pediatrician, family doctor, local/county/city mental health services, friends and relatives. Tap into everyone.

Tapping into friends and relatives was one of the best things we did. I listened when friends/sisters shared their worries about their kids, but kept their confidences as they did mine when it was our turn. None of the kids knew the others had/were struggling until we realized how important it was that they did know. It was mind blowing for them to hear the cousin who they admired and thought had the perfect life had the same self-doubt and issues. Normalizing mental health is so important.

I love this suggestion. DS has introduced me to many current comedians and appreciates the ones that age well like Carlin. I love the discussions triggered by something said in a routine.

Yes!  I forgot about this!  My son opted to try painting since I had acrylic paints and some small hard canvases in the house already.  He loved it.  He said just the colors and slow brushstrokes was so calming.  He had been so stressed that he was having trouble sleeping and eating, but he got lost in the process and felt so much better.  The boy had talent too!  I had an uncle and his daughter that actually made a living with their paintings so maybe he got it through heredity.  It skipped me, I know that much.  I put him in some drawing classes eventually and he was really really good.  I sat down next to him and he tried to teach me by blocking a simple piece into squares and having me try to draw it one square at a time.  That was better, but I will always be a crafter, not an artist.

He also got into surfing when he was a bit older because we figured some physical exertion would be helpful.  He still does both when he has the time.

we went thru similar 2 years ago with my oldest teen son. found a marijuana vape, he was self-medicating his anxiety. was feeling outcast at school, started skipping a lot, feeling sick and having panic attacks while there. anger issues manifesting at home- not towards us but at possessions, surroundings. made a doc appointment and he let on that he was feeling pretty bad and she recommended an immediate outpatient therapy stay at a local mental health place, which we did. he didn't want to, but was able to be convinced that what he was going thru warranted it and that it would stay confidential. it did help. parts of the therapy didn't resonate at all, and he was angry and griped every day about going, but i think he did learn some tools to help cope, and anxiety meds also did their part. it is better now, but he's also graduated so the main stressor was eliminated.

ETA he also refused counseling afterwards, as he doesn't like talking. i pushed it for a long time as it helped me.

I have two 16-year-old boys and teach teens, and I struggle knowing what to say.

I think it is really good that he is telling you this. He doesn't tell you everything (they just don't and probably shouldn't) but he is letting you know. I think some level of what he is saying most teens feel at times, but you are his mom and know when something is off. I would be concerned about the vape and issues at school, but I can tell you that both of those things, unfortunately, fall into "normal" teen issues.

Is he in any activities or does he have a job? Those are not just going to fix everything, but others have said, having healthy distractions or fun goals to be working for can help. Getting mental health help is difficult and really varies from state and local resources. I think letting counseling or admin (in our building, going through admin is better) and letting them know you are concerned can be helpful for starting the process through the district/county. Again, this stuff is so localized. At least they would keep their eye on him a little more since it sounds like he might be a little lost socially at school. (just my perception from your OP, but I could be wrong).

Again, localized, but my mom had gone off her anti-depressants (with knowledge from DR) and was struggling. She was calling and trying to get a new Rx or to see her Dr...no one was helping or getting her help.

I literally called the nurseline and told them that I was very concerned for my mom's mental health, alluding to the fact that she may hurt herself (I don't know she would have been I was worried) and it is amazing how quickly we got her meds and an appointment. So, being brutally honest with the pediatrician may help.

Does he enjoy art? Look into art therapy. There is also music therapy as well.

Could be a good starting point for him to see the value in it.

It's a tough world out there for teens right now. For any of us really. If the guidance counselor at his school happens to be any good you could talk to them about resources that might be available at school or in the community. Like everyone else is saying some activities might be good giving him a chance to explore himself in his interests if he finds something that piques his interest it may really help his self-esteem and the value that he holds himself in. Art, martial arts, volunteering with animals, guitar lessons, sports, there's a whole lot that could be explored. If he's got a friend or family member who might be interested in doing a new activity with him that might be helpful to get him started. Therapy as well but I get the difficulties in finding someone and getting him to agree.