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Post by fiddlesticks on Oct 8, 2024 20:46:50 GMT
A friend of mine is going through a nightmare with her DD. Her DD is currently in an inpatient facility for disordered eating. She hasn't told many people because she is trying to respect her daughter's wishes that others don't know. Our DD's normally dance together but hers is not right now for obvious reasons. All they are saying is that she is having trouble with her heart rate.
Other than checking in and being a lending ear, has anyone been supported a friend through this kind of thing and has a fantastic idea that will help me not feel like a crappy friend because I can't think of anything to help her? TIA
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Post by peasapie on Oct 8, 2024 22:51:31 GMT
It's very thoughtful of you to lean in to helping your friend, rather than drawing away as some people might when they don't now what to do. I'm a recovered anorexic, so while I cannot directly speak to supporting the parent of an anorexic, I might be able to help from my perspective.
My parents felt like they had failed me but weren't sure what they had done wrong. They seemed to feel blamed by doctors and some others in their life. Things might be different now, but that's how it was at that time. I knew they were often distressed about it, but they didn't want me to know (and I felt guilty and sad about that). I think that, if your friend opens up about it, be an ear to listen. No advice - just listening. You know what to say - "This must be so hard for you." "I'm so sorry you are going through this." Things like that.
My parents used to cry at times when they thought I wasn't listening. I think the anorexia took over their lives as much as it did mine. I would imagine they probably appreciated moments when they weren't thinking about whether or not their daughter was going to survive. Maybe going on occasional spa days or other activities to get your friend's mind off her daughter could offer a much-needed break, even if just for a little while.
It took several years, but I was lucky and I did recover. I'm sure my mom would have loved to have a friend to talk to just to ease her burden a bit.
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Post by donnab on Oct 8, 2024 23:00:57 GMT
I am the mother of a recovering anorexic. It is life altering and overwhelming. My daughter's disordered eating consumed my life for years. Honestly, I withdrew from everything and everyone during that time. What helped me was people who listened and were sympathetic. For myself, it helped when I got massages or found a good book that I could delve into. Listening to music helped too. If you wanted to get her a little something I would go for something that allowed her to pamper herself for a little bit.
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Post by voltagain on Oct 8, 2024 23:28:58 GMT
A friend of mine is going through a nightmare with her DD. Her DD is currently in an inpatient facility for disordered eating. She hasn't told many people because she is trying to respect her daughter's wishes that others don't know. Our DD's normally dance together but hers is not right now for obvious reasons. All they are saying is that she is having trouble with her heart rate. Other than checking in and being a lending ear, has anyone been supported a friend through this kind of thing and has a fantastic idea that will help me not feel like a crappy friend because I can't think of anything to help her? TIA Do not under value the treasures of checking in and listening ear! You are giving your heart and time to keep the friendship alive.  |
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Post by trixiecat on Oct 9, 2024 14:33:51 GMT
I have a friend who went through this maybe 5 or 6 years ago. Her daughter ended up in Children's Hospital for 2-3 weeks until her heart rate returned to normal. And I remember she had to consume a huge amount of calories while there and once she got home.
I was the listening ear for my friend. It took several years until her daughter got to a more normal place both mentally and physically and I think it took that long as well for my friend and her husband to be more accepting and patient with their daughter. I listened a lot and sometimes gave advice. Just let her know you are there for her as a sounding board and a trusted friend.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Oct 9, 2024 16:17:39 GMT
A friend of mine is going through a nightmare with her DD. Her DD is currently in an inpatient facility for disordered eating. She hasn't told many people because she is trying to respect her daughter's wishes that others don't know. Our DD's normally dance together but hers is not right now for obvious reasons. All they are saying is that she is having trouble with her heart rate. Other than checking in and being a lending ear, has anyone been supported a friend through this kind of thing and has a fantastic idea that will help me not feel like a crappy friend because I can't think of anything to help her? TIA Do not under value the treasures of checking in and listening ear! You are giving your heart and time to keep the friendship alive. i love that graphic  |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 9, 2024 16:17:41 GMT
A friend of mine is going through a nightmare with her DD. Her DD is currently in an inpatient facility for disordered eating. She hasn't told many people because she is trying to respect her daughter's wishes that others don't know. Our DD's normally dance together but hers is not right now for obvious reasons. All they are saying is that she is having trouble with her heart rate. Other than checking in and being a lending ear, has anyone been supported a friend through this kind of thing and has a fantastic idea that will help me not feel like a crappy friend because I can't think of anything to help her? TIA Do not under value the treasures of checking in and listening ear! You are giving your heart and time to keep the friendship alive. Wow thank you for this - I needed it this morning. OP I think most of us just don't want our friends to disappear when we're going through hard stuff. Usually the what you do matters very little. |
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Post by mom2jnk on Oct 9, 2024 16:39:21 GMT
A friend of mine is going through a nightmare with her DD. Her DD is currently in an inpatient facility for disordered eating. She hasn't told many people because she is trying to respect her daughter's wishes that others don't know. Our DD's normally dance together but hers is not right now for obvious reasons. All they are saying is that she is having trouble with her heart rate. Other than checking in and being a lending ear, has anyone been supported a friend through this kind of thing and has a fantastic idea that will help me not feel like a crappy friend because I can't think of anything to help her? TIA Do not under value the treasures of checking in and listening ear! You are giving your heart and time to keep the friendship alive. 1000% THIS! As a parent of child with significant mental health issues during adolescence, I was gutted when all of our "friends" vanished and began excluding us and our child in everything, as if our son's struggles were shameful or contagious. The judgment, the quiet whispers, the exclusion by people we thought were friends was the most awful, hurtful straw that broke me. If you are able, show up in person for your friend. Listen without judgement, support with your continued presence and hugs. You will never know how much it means to have just one person simply "show up" at this toughest point of her life. |
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Post by jill8909 on Oct 9, 2024 22:41:58 GMT
Please share your thoughts with your friend. Ask her. Offer rides, to help with other kids, if relevant. To take her out for coffee, lunch, etc. Tell her you'll back off with no harm to the friendship.
Nice of you to care!!
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Post by fiddlesticks on Oct 10, 2024 0:17:57 GMT
Thanks everyone! And I am so sorry for those that have traveled this road. It is absolutely heartbreaking to hear the daily rollercoaster she is on. We are going on a walk tomorrow so I am going to get a gift card to the local book store for her.
In an adjacent conversation, my DD flat out asked me this morning if what was going on with her friend is an ED. She said she's been rewatching House episodes to try to figure out what could be causing a low rate heart. I told her I loved her and that her friend doesn't want to share details with her friends yet and that she just needs to be there for her. Unfortunately, the friend doesn't have her phone so all of my DD's texts have gone unanswered.
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