How do you handle your disability(ies) versus independence?

my dh has been through months and years of incapacity due to orthopedic problems. I am of the school I would rather be asked, than have him risk injury or problems. it is easier as a helper just to help and not to deal with more complications, or being laid up longer or whatever. I signed up when I made my marriage vows and I'm not quitting now (41 yrs together).

my dh is not great about asking for help.. he also just "wants to do it himself".. but I would rather be asked. it is hard hard on both sides.. but it is a team effort, not a contest to see who is more independent. getting help may give you more energy to do the things you can do.. plan stuff. or sit and do something, or sleep better.

sorry I'm not more help. also, I would always be looking for tools and supports that make life easier.

it is somewhat like.. when i had my twins, people would keep saying "oh how do you do it? isn't it hard?".. like duh...

as if I had a choice. twins with a toddler was hard.. it was hard physically.. and one of my kids has autism, so it was hard at another level too. so supporting someone with a disability is hard, but you don't really sit around and think about whether you have a choice (at least I didn't). it was something you had to do and so you did it.. hard or not, fun or not.

my dh was homebound for 6 months, was on crutches for 8 years (over 30 yrs).. and had surgery after surgery. his leg has been reconstructed many times.. and boy muscle transplants are another level of fun.

so when I think back to a husband with a disability, three little kids, child with disability, and life's general chaos, helping my dh was sort of the easiest thing to do. and it still is. in the last 4 yrs, he rebroke his bad leg, it had to heal. it healed bowed, so they went back and cut the top of the bone and he had to heal his leg again while it was in a cage and was straighten out. the procedures worked but another round of fun.

we all have guilt around this but it is reality and I guess I am pretty practical about it all.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with such a major life change. Praying for peace as you face this challenge and that you can find joy again in the small things.

theshyone , I'm so sorry. It's isolating and frustrating and just plain hard. We're here to listen.  Do you have professional support for your emotions?  Do you have medical therapist to help you adapt and live the best life you can, despite your very scary disease?    It's imperative to have someone in your corner who is there just for you and can help you find ways to enjoy your life.

I used to feel like I was the biggest burden on my husband. "If you didn't have me holding you up then you could do so much more. You could travel the world, go wherever you wanted to go. You wouldn't have to do the heavy lifting by yourself." Those comments were always met w/sarcasm and and eye roll.

When your husband married you he married all of you, not just the healthy, energetic pain-free you. If your husband had been the one to become disabled then I guarantee you that you would have been a wonderful caretaker to him. He doesn't complain, so just accept that he's used to his role and you both have a routine. You might not be aware of it. You are doing more and going places. No, it's not like it was 4 years ago, but you're not bedridden, either.

My dh has been my caretaker for almost 3 decades. He does it like it's 2ndhand. He knows me so well that he knows when I'm going do something that I shouldn't be doing. You and I know eachother fairly well. I've been on your case for a long time to find a great therapist. Nowadays there are so many good therapists online. You don't have to leave the house. Just a thought. Dh and I have a routine. We work so well together. I think you also have a strong relationship w/your husband.

It's hard when you've been active and independent and suddenly you're in constant pain. It doesn't have to be the end of a full life. It just means learning to really listen to your body and learning to stop the negative self talk. You are enough and your husband loves you. If you need help it's OK to ask. You're not weak and you're not incapable. You still have a strong mind and strong heart. Just know that your husband loves you and won't leave you. You haven't changed, but your situation has changed. That's not your fault. It's a sucky, random icky thing. You couldn't have forseen this and prevented it.

You are enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My DH has major back and neuropathy issues since 2022 I also have back and balance issues. Thankfully, the things he can’t do I can and vice versa, so we are able to fill in the caps.

There are times when one or the other of us do something we shouldn’t when the other isn’t home that could be disastrous. We both still want to be independent and take risks. So far we haven’t had any mishaps. The worse part is for my DH, in the pst he was always Mr Fix It, now he has to hire someone else to do it and makes him nuts.

There are many events and trips we can no longer do. Overall, there are people that have it much worse and I always try to keep that in mind.

my dh (when not on crutches, a walker or whatever) uses a cane. he is of the age when he decided he channels dr house the tv character. grumpy, independent and a cane user. he actually uses technical walking poles with a handle that looks like a cane. he has drop foot condition, so a cane can save the day. (he is actually not a grumpy guy.. rather social for a guy of his age)

you could decorate it if you are that type.

Not me looking at the wheeled rollator things just last night 😏 . I'm just so unsteady on my feet due to multiple medical things, I do better when I have a shopping buggy or my grand daughters stroller(but she's outgrowing it) and I frequently need to sit down. Skipped out of going to local fall festival here because they never have adequate seating around. And it's just a requirement for me, I even have a Dr's note for a chair at my job..

So the wheeled walker thing is probably in my, unfortunately near future. But, you use what aides you need to enjoy and live life. I'd never question anyone else having anything, I really just hate the dragging something around aspect, but I know I'd appreciate it with needed..

I second this!! I got once after I fully tore my left ACL and had to be off my knee for 2 weeks. I hate crutches so dh got me one with the seat. It also has storage under the seat.

I bought a restisland rollator from amazon ($89.99) Super easy to put together. Simply match up the ends with matching sticker as in L1 mates to L1. It has 10" wheels so rolls easily over cracks and other  less than perfectly smooth surfaces. The smaller the wheels the smoother the surface needs to be.  I've used a cane for 4-5 years now but in August I fell... PT says no more cane. I need better support.  I left the hospital with the conventional 2 wheel walker but it is only usable on indoor flooring. Plus the back legs are on glides. Cement sidewalks and parking lots chew through the glides in no time.

Check out youtube for a walker. Get a 4 wheeler, NOT a 3 wheeler. Having a gauranteed seat is a very nice thing to have.

It’s hard to accept help. I belong to a helping hands group in my community, and some of the most generous volunteers in helping others find it hard to receive help when it’s their time of need. None of us like to feel like we are a burden on others, whether it is our spouse, child, or a friend. And equally important, we don’t want to give up our independence. But it’s important to remember that many people are very happy to help when needed. It makes us feel useful and is not a burden, especially for our loved ones. The feeling one receives when helping someone else is a gift in itself.

My heart goes out to all here who are suffering.here is a post I read recently that might help. www.emiliekarun.com/blog/learn-how-to-receive%2F2019%2F01%2F08%2Fweekly-reflections%2F

scrappintoee you worry about being a burden for the small things but if you REALLY injure yourself doing things you shouldn't be doing how much more of a burden will that be? My mom was the same way, she had 7 kids that would be there in a heartbeat for anything that she needed, but she still insisted on climbing a ladder or stepstool when she was told over and over not to do that. It was easy for any of us to go fill the bird feeder or change a lightbulb but if she had broken a leg and could not get the surgery she needed to fix it because of the issues with her lungs, THAT would have been annoying because it would have been so easy to avoid.