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Post by MichyM on Nov 9, 2024 16:27:22 GMT
ETA FOR CLARITY: this is not the OP. It was made by Birdy who has since deleted it, as well as her account.
She IS an adult. Even if she lives at home. And to me, 1:15am is not put that late. Yes, she had to work the next day, but she’s the one who will suffer from lack of sleep, and will reap the consequences of that decision.
Do you live in a particularly dangerous area after dark? If not, please try not to worry.
ETA: I’m curious why the idea of her driving downtown and meeting her friends in a parking garage is so scary to you. I meet friends in downtown Seattle all the time. Like several times a week.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Nov 9, 2024 16:35:29 GMT
My curfew was 1 am when I was 16 and this was well before cell phones and I had an old car.
If she is being responsible with her job and a good kid I don't think she needs a curfew, but she let you know about what time she will be home. Would you feel better if she texted when she was on her way home so you knew when to worry?
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Post by Merge on Nov 9, 2024 16:36:39 GMT
If she had gone to college or had moved out, she could be out til 5 AM and you'd never know.
We stopped trying to impose a curfew after our kids had graduated high school. We did ask our kids to let us know their whereabouts and expected arrival home as a courtesy, and to text us if they changed plans and decided to stay the night somewhere. Basic courtesy.
I don't think grown adults should have a curfew, but they can show basic respect and courtesy to those they live with.
And we can't keep them at home with a curfew until they're 30, so at some point we have to learn to sleep even when they're outside the house.
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,613 
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Nov 9, 2024 16:40:13 GMT
She's an adult, if she was out on your own you'd never know what time she came home. 1 am isn't that late (for young people, too late for me now!).
Her problem dealing with going to work in the morning, if she's tired or hungover. That's what youth is for, lol. She hasn't seen her friends in awhile they were having a good time. Young people seem to like to stay up late, she's probably on her phone until midnight most nights anyway. So what's the harm in being out until 1 am. A half hour drive is not that far.
My rule was, you just have to let me know what you're doing. End up wanting to spend the night at your friend's, that's fine just text me so I don't worry. Even if I didn't get the text until morning, I'd know they weren't in a snowbank somewhere.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 9, 2024 16:41:20 GMT
She is an adult. No curfew.
In my opinion 1:15am is normal time frame for a young adult to be arriving home, after an evening out with friends.....especially on a weekend night.
If she were away at College, you would have no idea what she is doing or when she is coming or going.
The only exception, in regards to a "curfew" would be >> if her arrival home is loud and noisy, and disturbing the entire quiet household. In that case....I would tell her if she were out past 11:30pm (or whatever time your household shuts down for the night) to please plan or sleeping elsewhere--staying the night at a friends.
Not being rude, just honest.....you are come across like a controlling helicopter parent.
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Post by gar on Nov 9, 2024 16:44:57 GMT
The problem is that if she lived at home until she was 25/30/50 you would still worry when she was out alone 😊
It’s a big mental adjustment certainly but as someone else said, if she had gone away to college you wouldn’t know when she got home.
It’s tough, I know, but ask her to keep in touch with her arrival/departure time etc until you get used to it maybe or perhaps you can agree to use Find my Friends (if she’s agreeable) on the promise that you’ll only look at it if she’s later than she said she’d be home for example. This was how my DDs and us used it when they were that age. They understood I was adjusting to their independence and were considerate enough to humour me initially 😊
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,236
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Post by pilcas on Nov 9, 2024 16:48:17 GMT
Think of it this way, and I say this because I also have a daughter who is a night owl and when she came back home during college breaks she would also come home later than I liked. If she were away at college you would have absolutely no idea what time she came home when she went out and you would not even know when or where or with who she went out. Yes, safety is an issue but we can’t live in fear, just establish some safety routines. You will get used to it. Calling you a helicopter mom is quite harsh. It just takes time to adjust.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 9, 2024 16:52:20 GMT
Another, she is an adult. All I asked my DS was an estimated time he would be home. If running late a call, also a call if he was not coming home. I extended the same courtesies to him. I let him know where I was and when I would be home, call if late or not coming home. Cell phones were only barely a dream back then!
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Post by hopemax on Nov 9, 2024 16:57:09 GMT
Mom, you can’t protect her forever with a curfew or other rules “just a little bit longer.”
Your fears aren’t a justification for clipping her wings. If you raised her well, she will be fine. Give her the opportunity to show you.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 9, 2024 17:00:11 GMT
Transitions are tough, but I agree with others. My adult children did not and do not have a curfew. I ask that they let me know if they're not coming home (and honestly prefer it if it's a late night) Crash at John's or Jane's instead of thinking you have to come home in the wee hours. The only accommodation I ask for was to keep find my iPhone on their phones. I don't abuse it, but I'm a worrier and it gives me piece of mind. Being tired for work is HER PROBLEM. Shouting on that point. You cannot micromanage on that whatever you decide on the curfew front (and I do know some families impose one especially if there is some disruption issues).
I don't understand the downtown issue at all, but perhaps you live in an unsafe area. My daughter meeting friends in a common area ie parking garage and then doing things before coming home would a total normal thing. I've drummed into her safety in numbers so wouldn't return by herself to the garage (unless it was extremely secure).
And I absolutely agree that if she was in college, would you really expect her to be back in her dorm room at midnight?
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,403
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Post by DEX on Nov 9, 2024 17:03:50 GMT
When I turned 18 I had no curfew, worked and would come home @ 3:00 am knowing I had to work the next day. She is an adult doing adult things with her other adult friends who don't have curfews. It is hard to let go but it is time.
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 9, 2024 17:07:01 GMT
If your dd had gone away to college she might be doing these things, anyway. 1:15am isn't that late for an 18 year old. Though I can understand not meeting in a parking garage just for the sake of safety.
Your house your rules, but she thinks that she's a fully mature adult and doesn't have to abide by house rules. So, you can negotiate and come to an agreement or she can find an apartment. Just remember that this isn't high school. This is adulthood. She might decide that she wants to go to college and have the experiences that her friends are having. Then she will be on her own and can do as she pleases. As long as she lives in your home then she must abide by your rules, but you need to make them age appropriate, too.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 9, 2024 17:12:10 GMT
At 18, kids still don’t have fully developed brains and sometimes that fact becomes painfully obvious. I remember doing some stupid stuff at that age, and I too was generally a pretty good, normally intelligent kid. I think the point to drive home is to have some respect and consideration for the people you live with, especially if they are also still feeding you and putting a roof over your head, possibly providing you with a vehicle or paying for your insurance, etc. If those people have to get up in the morning to go to their jobs to help support you and are losing sleep because of your lifestyle, you need to be respectful of that fact. So that would be the tack I would take. FWIW, I don’t really consider an 18 year old “an adult” unless they are living independently and paying all their own bills, which really isn’t most kids at that age.
I’d say if you choose to stay out past whatever time, you had better be very quiet when you come in and not wake up everybody in the house. That’s just common courtesy. If I call you or text, you need to answer or respond within a reasonable timeframe, because I am going to bed and I want to know you’re okay before I do. You’d better get up on time for whatever responsibilities you have the next day. If you are drinking, DO NOT drive. If you are with other people who are drinking, do not let them drive especially with you in the vehicle. If you are out with friends, don’t ever leave anyone behind. All of that is just common sense.
When a kid is out on their own, living in their own place, paying their own way, they are free to do whatever the heck they want. If they were away at school living in a dorm (probably paid for by the parents), I’m sure there would be some rules there too so why should it be any different living at home? Even if the kid lived with a roommate who needed to get up early, the same kind of rules should apply if they are getting in really late and being disruptive when they do.
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Post by compeateropeator on Nov 9, 2024 17:12:14 GMT
I have alway been a night person. 1:15 is not that late, even with working the next day. Most young adults do it all the time until they realize , man it just isn’t worth it. 😄 I was very much that person that could just be hanging out with people talking until the wee hours of the morning. Nothing nefarious going on at all. Maybe one of her friends had to work until 10 pm or and didn’t get there until late.
While I understand that if your daughter has made the decision to continue to live with you she needs to follow what ever rules you deem appropriate. I do not believe that controlling when she should or should not come home, unless it poses other problems in the household, are really appropriate at this point in her life. Good luck getting that balance that works for you all.
ETA - also if you want to have her continue to live with you for whatever reason, you need to pick and choose carefully the things that you try and control. IMO .
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Post by gar on Nov 9, 2024 17:29:36 GMT
I wanted to reiterate what crazy4scraps said. Just because an 18 year old is technically an adult, they aren’t necessarily instantly fully fledged in the common sense department. Obviously it depends on the young person but it’s a process imo. |
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Post by Linda on Nov 9, 2024 17:30:55 GMT
I didn’t have curfews for my under18s tbh but at 18+ I definitely wouldn’t
I expect courtesy - don’t disturb others when coming in and let me know if plans change esp if that means you’re not coming home
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Post by compeateropeator on Nov 9, 2024 17:49:20 GMT
I wanted to reiterate what crazy4scraps said. Just because an 18 year old is technically an adult, they aren’t necessarily instantly fully fledged in the common sense department. Obviously it depends on the young person but it’s a process imo. I agree with you both, however I do think that as an 18 year old they need to have control and should have control over their time spent on various things. There will be repercussions if they don’t get it right for their body, personality, and work and life style…but at 18, no matter where they live, they need to learn how to manage that and probably by themselves. It is no difference the ops situation was the same exact thing except the kid was down in the basement gaming. Other than knowing where they were exactly, should you make them go to bed because they have to work in the morning? I don’t know but it seems like a fine line and I guess 1:15 really doesn’t seem that late. But as common curiosity it should have been communicated at some point and some how that they were going to be coming home late. We allow a kid at 16 to get a magic certificate, get in a very fast moving vehicle on roads with other scary and questionable users and go where ever. That is much more scary to me. 😄 |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 9, 2024 18:04:41 GMT
I wanted to reiterate what crazy4scraps said. Just because an 18 year old is technically an adult, they aren’t necessarily instantly fully fledged in the common sense department. Obviously it depends on the young person but it’s a process imo. I agree with you both, however I do think that as an 18 year old they need to have control and should have control over their time spent on various things. There will be repercussions if they don’t get it right for their body, personality, and work and life style…but at 18, no matter where they live, they need to learn how to manage that and probably by themselves. It is no difference the ops situation was the same exact thing except the kid was down in the basement gaming. Other than knowing where they were exactly, should you make them go to bed because they have to work in the morning? I don’t know but it seems like a fine line and I guess 1:15 really doesn’t seem that late. But as common curiosity it should have been communicated at some point and some how that they were going to be coming home late. We allow a kid at 16 to get a magic certificate, get in a very fast moving vehicle on roads with other scary and questionable users and go where ever. That is much more scary to me. 😄 I don’t think the two situations are equivalent (going out with friends until all hours vs. in the basement gaming until 1:00 am). The kid in the basement, you know where they are and they likely won’t wake you up when they do finally go to bed. In my house, someone coming home at 1-2 am is going to wake up the dog and that’s going to wake up EVERYBODY. So yeah, there’s a definite difference. I agree that at 18 they need to learn how to navigate all this adult life stuff. But a big part of that is respect, courtesy, communication and common sense and that has no age limit. |
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Post by gar on Nov 9, 2024 18:07:54 GMT
I wanted to reiterate what crazy4scraps said. Just because an 18 year old is technically an adult, they aren’t necessarily instantly fully fledged in the common sense department. Obviously it depends on the young person but it’s a process imo. I agree with you both, however I do think that as an 18 year old they need to have control and should have control over their time spent on various things. There will be repercussions if they don’t get it right for their body, personality, and work and life style…but at 18, no matter where they live, they need to learn how to manage that and probably by themselves. It is no difference the ops situation was the same exact thing except the kid was down in the basement gaming. Other than knowing where they were exactly, should you make them go to bed because they have to work in the morning? I don’t know but it seems like a fine line and I guess 1:15 really doesn’t seem that late. But as common curiosity it should have been communicated at some point and some how that they were going to be coming home late. We allow a kid at 16 to get a magic certificate, get in a very fast moving vehicle on roads with other scary and questionable users and go where ever. That is much more scary to me. 😄 Agreed - they need to figure out a lot of stuff on their own! I guess I was thinking more about when things go awry…they still need our input sometimes 😊 |
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Post by bossymom on Nov 9, 2024 18:08:45 GMT
My 18 yo comes and goes as she pleases. She communicates with us when she is out. Trust your daughter to make good decisions and keep the lines of communication open.
Or treat her like a child and see what happens. I'll bet constant boundary pushing and the lack of knowledge of what she's doing and with whom.
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Post by don on Nov 9, 2024 18:24:24 GMT
She is what you raised. How do you think you did? What does dad think of this?
All women have a little Marilyn in them. You just have to figure out if it’s Monroe or Manson.
It costs parents over $230,000 today to raise a kid, and that’s just for the alcohol.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,858
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Post by scrapngranny on Nov 9, 2024 20:08:51 GMT
I lived those days and it was really hard. No advice because I’m sure I handled it all wrong, but all 3 are still alive and have teens of their own. Pay back is rewarding! 🤭
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Post by mom on Nov 9, 2024 20:30:44 GMT
Natural Consequences. She knows she has to go to work and if she can come home that late and still get up for work, great! If she doesn't and loses her job, well, that sucks. But she will learn. Being a young adult is all about pushing boundaries and learning life lessons. She will learn.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,073
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Nov 9, 2024 20:34:06 GMT
Remember when you went from no kids to being a mum, the transition was abrupt, the sleep was non existent, the learning curve was a straight line up, this is what you were leading to. Raising an independent individual who is creating a life for herself.
It's time to step back and let your girl spread her wings. If she's tired at work the next day, then so be it, it's another learning experience and any fallout is hers to manage.
Have a chat with her, explain it's a time of transition for you both, say you'd appreciate a little info such to ease the journey.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 9, 2024 21:05:51 GMT
I mean, I am 52 and one night last week I was at a concert and then stuff after until 1AM and had to be at work by 8. I knew I was going to be tired!
I am with everyone else. I think asking for the common courtesies of letting you know if she won’t be home overnight and that she doesn’t disturb everyone coming in is totally reasonable. I think otherwise it is age appropriate for her to make her own decisions about what time to come home.
ETA: I have an 18-year-old currently (and a 22-year old with whom I have been here).
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Post by rainangel on Nov 9, 2024 22:00:00 GMT
She is an adult.
But she has to respect the household.
Our rules were that they didn’t wake up anyone in the household, and to come to my bedroom door and say there were home. Didn’t matter if they woke me up, I needed to know they were home.
The first month of this I couldn’t sleep. Then I became more comfortable with them staying out, and fell asleep without any issue. It was an adjustment for me, but it had a natural progression.
I also made sure I had my phone next to me, fully charged and sound on. If something happened I could easily be reached. I didn’t drink alcohol these nights just in case I had to go pick them up or something. I made sure they knew I would always be a safety net for them.
I have sensible daughters, they have good heads on their shoulders. All of the worry was a me-issue. And it was a difficult adjustment at first, but at some point I had to trust that the upbringing I gave them prepared them to make good choices. Nothing bad has happened so far.
I am also open with them of my own ‘almost went bad’ experiences, and the experiences of friends. I am VERY happy my girls at least have a mobile phone they have available 24/7. My own parents just had to blindly trust us, and it sounds terrifying!
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Post by monklady123 on Nov 9, 2024 22:11:23 GMT
The only "restriction" I put on my kids after they graduated from high school was that they please come home quietly when they did get home. I always heard them anyway because I'm a mom and I was listening for them even if I was half sleeping. lol.
But otherwise, no. As someone said already, if she'd gone away to college you'd never know when she was getting home. Or if she was living on her own now you'd never know.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 9, 2024 22:40:21 GMT
To me, there is nothing they need to be doing that late at night that they can’t do earlier in the evening, example just hanging out. I'm sorry, this did make me LOL. There might have been many reasons they didn't meet earlier, including college kids home for the weekend get pulled in many directions with their families and probably had dinner obligations before meeting up with friends. However, she is starting to pull the I’m an adult card. She wanted to go downtown next weekend to meet this group of friends and their plan was to meet up in a parking garage. We told her absolutely not, that she can meet up with the friends somewhere else and leave her car and drive with them that it is not safe for an 18-year-old girl to be driving around downtown by herself. My problem with this is you are obligating someone else to change their plans to accommodate your worry. There is nothing wrong with suggesting this idea, but don't give her an "absolutely not". Trust that you have taught your DD to be smart about her surroundings. FWIW, when DD(27) starting driving off like this, I would go over the google maps of the area and look with her at her parking options. Her driving range can be up to 100 miles from home and she will definitely car pool with friends when/if it works, but sometimes is on her own. Even now DD texts me when she is on her way home. If it is after 10, there is a good chance I won't see it until morning, but it always makes me happy to see it. |
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Post by mom on Nov 9, 2024 22:49:20 GMT
DD turned 18 right before graduation. She opted to enter the workforce right after high school and be trained in her profession instead of going to college. Most of her friends have gone away to college. She is typically a homebody and hangs out with us in the evening. A group of friends came home from college this weekend and she went out with them last evening. I told her to be reasonable in the time that she comes home and to remember she had to work this morning. I did not give her a set time to be home. She arrived home at 1:15 this morning. I feel this is much too late for an 18 year-old female to be out alone. She had to drive a half hour to meet up with the friends. To me, there is nothing they need to be doing that late at night that they can’t do earlier in the evening, example just hanging out. so my question is, how did you handle this with your 18-year-old? We want to give her some freedom and we are glad that she is spending time with other kids, her age, but in addition to it being a safety issue, I also stayed up waiting for her because I know I wouldn’t sleep , if she wasn’t home, and that’s much too late for me. She’s a great kid, and outside of having a smart mouth really never gives us any problems. However, she is starting to pull the I’m an adult card. She wanted to go downtown next weekend to meet this group of friends and their plan was to meet up in a parking garage. We told her absolutely not, that she can meet up with the friends somewhere else and leave her car and drive with them that it is not safe for an 18-year-old girl to be driving around downtown by herself. She said well I’m 18, it’s my car and I’m an adult. I don’t want to have to say well you live under our roof you follow our rules, and make it sound like we’re being dictators, but we do expect some common courtesy and that she does follow some rules. This is all new territory for us, would love some advice. And, what do you think or allow as a reasonable time for your 18 year-old to come and go? thanks! The more I think about this, the more I think you need to take a deep breath and just chill. As someone who has raised two boys, I can guarantee you that this is not the hill you will want to die on. Maybe sit down and discuss ways to be safe (finding safe parking lots, etc) and how to be responsible & courteous (if she knows she's going to be late, let you know ahead of time so you are not panicking). Coming down hard with restrictions is not going to end the way you want it to (her actually following your restrictions) - most kids will just hide whatever they are doing and that's not good either. At the end of the day, she will learn the natural consequences of coming home so late and most likely adjust her behavior that way. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 22, 2024 2:57:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2024 22:50:35 GMT
She IS an adult. Even if she lives at home. And to me, 1:15am is not put that late. Yes, she had to work the next day, but she’s the one who will suffer from lack of sleep, and will reap the consequences of that decision. Do you live in a particularly dangerous area after dark? If not, please try not to worry. ETA: I’m curious why the idea of her driving downtown and meeting her friends in a parking garage is so scary to you. I meet friends in downtown Seattle all the time. Like several times a week. We live in a suburb of a very large city that has a lot of crime. Our town is safe (mostly) but downtown is not safe for a young woman to be driving around alone. Due to many highways and a border, there is a lot of human trafficking around here. The idea of her going downtown alone to meet friends is due to the above but also because she tends to be a nervous driver. She will need to go on the highway (which she's done a few times) but never driven into and around downtown before. The streets are very confusing, lots of one way, etc. And so many parking garages. I'd like her to go to her friends house (that lives about 30 min. away) and drive with them since it is a mix of guys (who go downtown for sports games frequently and are familiar) and girls. |
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