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Jul 4, 2024 7:12:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 23:45:28 GMT
We had a plan. My dad has a terminal neuro disorder similar to Parkinsons. He is totally dependent on my mom for all of his care. He can't feed, bathe or wash himself, nor can he walk or communicate well. My younger brother whose wife is a nurse volunteered for them to move in with him and his family. That would have meant a move out of state, away from the home my parents built and lived in for 30 years. When push came to shove, my dad balked at moving so they stayed put and endured a very long, cold winter. How my mom did it all, I still have no idea. My brother who lives next door occasionally checks on them, but he's not very good about it. To hear him tell it, though, he's the biggest self-sacrificing son ever. That's a whole 'nother story.
My dad's quality of life is almost non-existent at this point. He does not wish for any life-prolonging procedures to be done so when he loses his ability to swallow, he won't be able to eat. We have no idea how long it will be until he reaches that stage, but it can't be much longer. When he passes, Mom has already said she'll move in with younger brother. She'll be closer to me, four hours instead of twelve. She's eager to leave the cold hills of WV and head south.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 6, 2014 0:37:13 GMT
My dad has a terminal neuro disorder similar to Parkinsons. --------------------------------------------- My mom did too @nicksmom. She was living alone and as the disease progressed, we started with a part time caregiver who came in 4 hours a day to having a live in caregiver 7 days a week. We never wanted her to go to a home so my siblings and I chipped in for the caregiver along with some savings my mom had. My siblings and I discussed things in advance of anything happening so we were pretty prepared.
Right now my FIL is terminally ill too. My MIL is with him at home and he has hospice care. We do what we can as do my SILs. DH's family didn't have a plan and they still don't as we don't know how much longer he can do hospice at home as opposed to a facility. The family doesn't like to discuss things like that so it's a wait-until-something-drastic-happens-then-scramble-and-panic kind of situation.
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Post by genny on Jul 6, 2014 0:51:49 GMT
My mom has taken precautions to be able to go into a facility if she needs to because she says she doesn't want to be a burden on any of us, but we truly do not want her to. After caring for my mother in law for 10 months as she died from lung cancer, I don't want to ever HAVE to do it again, but I would in a heartbeat for mom or my dad. MIL was very difficult in so many ways, and I don't *think* mama would be that way. I know my sister feels the same as I do. To answer your question more specifically though, no we don't have a plan per se. We (DH, sister and her DH,and I) do however have a family plan for the zombie apocalypse (which is how we refer to any possible disaster), which includes how to get to, retrieve and care for the elderly members of the family. Probably something my sis and I need to discuss since our parents are up there in age, although both fairly healthy still. Good luck, OP!
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Post by Lexica on Jul 6, 2014 1:28:02 GMT
As I've spoken about many times, my mom splitting her time between my sisters' homes and mine. She spends more time with me than the other two, just because it seems to work out that way. Before my father died, neither sister wanted to take on my mother. I did, and I told my father that when he passed, I would take my mom to come live with me at my house. He seemed quite relieved because he knew that both my sister's were not the nicest to my mom. As it turned out, as soon as they realized I wanted her, so did they. Both of them! But I think they just don't want to get left out. I don't think they enjoy her as much as I do, and I know my mom isn't as comfortable with them as she is with me. She has commented that she never has conversation with my older sister. They just don't talk. Weird. Anyway, my mom has always said she didn't want to go into a nursing home. That's fine with me. But now that she is living with me, she will say that if she ever gets to be too much care, she wants me to put her into one. She will say things like "When I get old..." and I know where she is going with that so I will tell ask her, just what does she think she is now at 96? A spring chicken? She has a fear that she will have a stroke or get dementia. I figure if she hasn't gotten dementia by now, she won't get it. She is still totally with it. We have great conversations. Her memory is better than mine most days. She just emailed me that she and my sister went to Walmart this morning, leaving the house at 5 am, and she was proud that she walked almost every aisle without having to sit down. Then they went to an open air market and she shopped for vegetables without needing a break. She said they were home by 10 am and had to take a nap because she was totally done for the day. She is so cute! ![:love:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/W4b_Om5roEadLiOzGo_l.jpg) She does worry that she will get to where she can't bathe or feed herself. I told her I was more than prepared to continue to take care of her if that were the case. She wants to be in a home if she is to the point where she doesn't communicate with me anymore. I told her that was exactly when she would NEVER be put in a place that she can't tell me how she was being treated. She knows that I promised my father I would take care of her to the end, and I meant that. I tease her that I will just put her in a wheelchair and roll her into the shallow end of the pool every other day to clean her up. Or, I will let the puppy do it. He has a tendency now to jump up on her lap after she eats to check for crumbs. We laugh and she will move on to other things, but I know it does really worry her. I don't think it would be fun, but I don't think diapering me was a ton of fun either. I am prepared to have to do it. She really hopes she passes before that stage. The only part of any of it that worries me is my oldest sister's involvement. Who knows how she will react.
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georgiapea
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Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jul 6, 2014 3:27:21 GMT
Well, I guess I'm that 'elderly parent' and I don't much care. My DD or one of the grandkids may 'want' me, or I might end up on 'one them nursing homes' situations. Whatever. I would not want to be pig headed and make other family members feel guilty.
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linda~lou
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: Motown but my heart is in San Francisco
Jun 25, 2014 21:57:08 GMT
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Post by linda~lou on Jul 6, 2014 3:40:34 GMT
Ha, I'm like georgia, I'm the elderly parent. I told my boys when I get senile and need to wear diapers, just take me to a field and shoot me! They shoot horses don't they? And I apologize for making light of a really difficult situation. It's just my boys and I laugh about his all the time. I'm sure they will find a very nice nursing home for me and send me flowers on my birthday! ![:grin:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/TKS2q_7siLiFtq0xPQvx.jpg)
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 6, 2014 14:01:34 GMT
Parents are tougher than children to raise. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) Love it! They really can be tough.
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Post by queenofshoes on Jul 6, 2014 14:24:03 GMT
While it breaks my heart that my other passed unexpectedly last year, I am immensely grateful that I did not have to deal with trying to take care of her when she was unable. I would do what is best for your family.
Lesa
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Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 6, 2014 14:33:43 GMT
Parents are tougher than children to raise. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) Love it! They really can be tough. This is so true especially when the parent in question is NOT yours and you've had a rocky relationship with her from the get-go ![::)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/eyesroll.png) EVEN MORESO when there's family close by who downright refuses to do more. My sister in law is fully capable of helping us out more but getting her to do anything is like pulling teeth! When DH and I go to our camp on weekends, we have had to hire a caregiver to come in to stay with MIL. Luckily, that money comes out of HER account, not ours. As it stands, there's NO way we'd be able to afford to pay for her care once she needs to go into a nursing home type place. Honestly, I think it would be better for her. There would be people to socialize with...all she does now is sit around and stare out the window. And there is a benefit available to anyone who is the spouse of or who served in the military to assist with nursing home expenses. The lady who runs the caregiver agency told us about it.
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Post by Pahina722 on Jul 6, 2014 14:54:57 GMT
Since my parents will turn 80 this year and my mother has just had her second mastectomy with chemo coming up quickly, it's something I think about all the time. Unfortunately, I have no good answer. My father (who is very healthy) is STUBBORN, refusing to consider moving to a more manageable house, so there is no way he'd ever consider assisted living. In fact, when their house flooded during the April 'monsoon' here in Florida, they moved in with my brother's girlfriend instead of unoccupied houses which several people offered for them. Unless it is family, they will not consider it. And I can't have them in my house. Much as I love them, it is not fair to subject my husband and son to that.
For the last several years, although we live 10 miles apart, we rarely see each other because my parents are adamant that any family gathering must include my junkie nephew, who lives with them off and on. The nephew isn't allowed in my house, so having my parents live with me would be a constant argument about forgiveness and family and how addiction is a disease. My brother can deal with it (his son is the junkie). However, once money runs out and my parents quit funding him, he will no longer be interested I having them around.
So, the answer is "no." I know what should be done, but my parents won't consider it.
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Post by PenandInk on Jul 6, 2014 14:57:49 GMT
When my parents were in their 70's, I tried and tried to get them to make a plan. They lived on the west coast near one of my brothers, and I lived on the east coast near my other two brothers. They wouldn't listen to me. So the day comes, when they are in their early 80's, when my brother drives them in their RV back east to visit. Along the way, he realizes that something is wrong with my dad. It didn't take much then to convince them to stay near me so I could help with their care.
I begged them to live with me...we had a large house with a guest "suite" and could have added a stair lift to the back stairs. They wouldn't go for that and we found a senior living place 1 1/2 hrs from me that they liked. At this point, we had no idea that my dad had a terminal illness, so I agreed, flew to California to pack up their place, and moved them to the new apartment. I drove the 3 hour round trip a couple of times a week to take them shopping and to doctor appointments, since we refused to let them have a car. My dad was too sick to be safe driving a car and my mom was already legally blind.
When it became clear that my dad was going downhill fast, I again begged them to move in with me, or to an assisted living facility near me. No go, of course, because they wanted to be "independent" and not a burden. So the life care community I found ended up being a 2 hour drive for me. I was driving there at least once a week, and sleeping over many nights so I could drive them places (have I mentioned I also have a family with two kids in high school at this time?). Because I had been working as a substitute teacher, my brothers all felt like I could do this because I "didn't work".
So after 4 years my dad has passed away, my mom is pretty happy in the life care community, I'm still driving down once a week. My health is shot by now, my psoriatic arthritis has left me basically crippled, I'm mid-50 and feel like I'm 95. My husband gets a job offer in California. We decide to take the job, and my brothers hire a health care manager to organize my moms dr appointments and drive her to them.
We've been out here 4 years now. I had my knee replaced, and finally have time to exercise regularly. My mom, on the other hand, is pretty mad we didn't being her with us. You know what? If she had just moved in when I asked, or moved near me when I begged, we would have brought her with us. But she had sunk a ton of money into the life-care plan where she lives, and it's a beautiful facility anyway, so she stayed where she is and my two brothers now oversee her care.
So I guess the point to my long story is that we managed to get a plan in place, but I was the one it all fell on, and it was exhausting. I missed out on a lot of my kids' high school lives, and ruined my own health in the process. I talk to my mom every day on the phone, and she is so unhappy and miserable, but that's another story. The place she lives in is like living in a cruise ship, and she has a lot of friends and tons of activities. She's safe, and that's the most important thing.
DH and I have agreed to be settled somewhere safe by the time we are 80. We are working on "the plan" now. And I've told my kids NEVER to feel guilty if they need to put us somewhere. Just make sure the place they choose changes my diaper, ha ha, that's all I ask.
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