Does your family have a plan for your aging parents?

While it's certainly commendable to want to honor your mother's wishes, it sounds like it may be very difficult on the family to do so!

You are finding her difficult while not living with her...so imagine her 24/7! My Mom also worked a nursing home and expresses the same wishes. I'm realistic in the fact that sometimes it's possible, sometimes it's not.

Recently my grandmother was placed in a nursing home. Now on that side of the family, they take care of the ill/elderly at home if at all possible. First Grandma lived with oldest dd (my Aunt), it was difficult and she complained about being there. Aunt becomes ill so she goes to her other dd's. She complained even more being there (but didn't want to be home either.) She made up things, her stories were inconsistent, etc. Then she fell I think twice within a week or two. She was hospitalized and the decision was made not to take her home. She was placed in a nursing home at that point, more because no one was happy with the situation, she was very manipulative and a lot of care.

She's been in the nursing home for a while and honestly she seems to enjoy it. She complains of course, wants to go home. But she's very involved in the activities and if you arrive when there's a good activity she boots you! So it can't be too bad!

Good luck, but keep in mind that you can't always honor their wishes. You have to consider yourself and your family too! One of the things my Aunt went through was her constantly telling her her high school dd was skipping school and other things. She absolutely wasn't and Aunt knew it (one day she was actually with Aunt when reported skipping!) So it can create a lot of things you'd never consider!

We are taking care of my MIL who has vascular dementia. It is very difficult and has put a huge strain on our family and our marriage. She begs, screams and cries every day because she thinks we are going to put her in a nursing home. Ultimately, and in the very near future, that is what is going to happen because it is getting increasingly difficult to try and reason with her. She keeps refusing to wear her oxygen, we have a hard time to get her to bathe and wash her hair, and lately she has taken to "walking" around the property. (5 acres)and while that is ok, twice this week we have caught her in the road. She has zero money so I'm not sure what is going to happen with the nursing home situation.

I think there's a HUGE difference between a nursing home, assisted living, and a retirement community type of place.

When it's time, my mother will go to a facility much like the one my Grandmother lived in and the one my Aunt lives in now.

The one my Grandmother lived in was a really nice place to live and had "levels" of care. There were apartments and a common dining area. The residents could come down to eat or prepare meals in their apartments in their own kitchens. Lots of social activities and anything that wasn't on site was only a short bus ride away.

The next level is still living in your own apartment, but nurses that visited to assist you numerous times a day with stuff like medicine, or getting dressed, or bathing.

The next level is more like a hospital room...not an apartment.

I visited my Grandmother many times in each of the "levels" of where she lived and each level was very nice. My husband and I both said that we hoped to live in such a nice place when we were elderly.

My mother has the finances to live in such a place and although I'm not sure she's chosen a place yet, but she has no desire to live with either my sister or me and I believe she'll live the rest of her days several states away from both her children.

We sort of have a plan. My mother recently had a full bath put in on the first floor of her home and turned the dining room into a bedroom. She actually did this for my dad because he was in the hospital and we thought he would come home but he passed away. She does not want to ever go to a nursing home.

Have you looked into senior home care? Maybe having someone stop in every day to assist her with her meds might help the situation. In our area we have a Council on Aging. If you have one, they might be able to give you some resources that would be of help.

Good luck. I understand it's a tough situation. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

I am an only child so any responsibilty and decisions for my parents will be mine alone. They already have set up power of attorney so I would be responsible for their financial transactions if they lose the ability in the future. However I am not especially close to my parents and my mum has recently fallen out with me so at the moment things are even more strained. I keep communication open by making sure that my children keep up their weekly visits to them.

My mum had to look after my dad's mum for a fairly long time and resented it 100% as there was no help from my dad (at work) or his siblings. She has always made it quite clear that she would not want me to have to look after her in my own home. This is going to sound terrible, but that suits me. She can be loving but she is very selfish and emotionally draining to be with. My dad I think I could easily accommodate in my home as he has become very docile after 50 years of being married to my mum!

My mom wishes to remain at home. My dad has dementia, but he also has very low blood pressure and his legs will buckle. They currently have someone coming to the house daily to help get my dad dressed and walk with him. My dad has said he would go to a care home. As his disease progresses, he may have to be removed from the house, if he becomes violent. My brother wants them both out of the house, into a care home, and the house sold. This stresses my mom to no end. They have a large house, but it is clean, and my mom loves working in the yard. I know if anything happened to my FIL, my MIL would then go to a care home. They do have insurance for outside help, so I hope her sons would agree to let her live in the house until they run out of that money. It makes me think, and talk to, my children of what to do with me as I get older.

We had a plan, but like many it sort of fell apart in the implementation.

My dad had dementia, and I brought him and my mother from South Carolina to Kentucky to live with me (this was home for them too...they went south after retirement.) But I was still working at that time and my dad's dementia got really bad really fast. Mom was healthy, but not strong enough to control him and he would get very belligerent and scare her. He ran off from my house more tag once at night and I had to get the police to help me look for him. It didn't take long to realize that it just wasn't safe for us to try to keep him at home. The last straw came when he tried to run out of the house while I was at work and fell down my pretty steep driveway....Someone called me and I came rushing home to police cars and a crowd gathered at the bottom of the driveway, him bleeding profusely (he was on blood thinners) and accusing my mom of keeping him a prisoner and trying to kill him......I talked him into letting me take him to get checked out by the doctor and he never came home again. After they treated him, he was transferred to a really nice VA facility in Hazard, Ky. I felt horrible about it and still have moments of guilt, but there was just nothing else that could be done.

Mom is now living in her own apartment...she tried to stay with me for awhile, but really wanted her own place. She is healthy and active. I know she doesn't ever want to go into a nursing home, but she has said after what we went through with dad, for my sister and me to do what we thought best if she were not in a position to decide.

Thank the good Lord that my 89 year old Mom is still very alert and in relatively good health, good enough to live by herself with my siblings close in case of emergency. I live in AR, she is on LI, so I depend on my sibs to care for her when needed. And I am so thankful for them. But when it became apparent that Mom could no longer negotiate the stairs to the bedrooms/only bathroom on the second floor, she remodeled a closed in porch into a nice bedroom for herself and also added a bathroom with a handicap walk in shower. She knows she is forbidden to venture down into the basement where washer/dryer are, but Sis takes care of her laundry. This has allowed her to remain independent with some help when needed. Sis works from Mom's house 2x a week which is great. All of this is totally dependent upon her staying well. We have discussed options with her in case of a decline in her health, and she is receptive to the possibility of an assisted living or even a nh situation if necessary. All the legal stuff, power of atty., etc. is in place and all four of her adult children are in agreement, which totally makes life easier for all of us. My only regret is that I am too far away to see her more than a few times a year.
KerriW it sounds like you are thinking hard about the future, and if you have a plan in place, it will be easier to implement it when necessary. I hope things work out for you and your family. Stories like yours make me so grateful for the blessings of my Mother's good health.

My mother lived with me after my dad passed away. She would have continued to live with us, but my dh's job relocated us to another state. After much discussion, we felt that it was in everyone's best interest if my mom stayed behind. We didn't think that a life long Californian would handle being moved to a cold climate. So she is in a senior apartment building. I have brothers and a sister who live close to her, but I'm sure they would not take her in once she can't take care of herself. I do worry about it. But I also realize that she couldn't move here with me.

Only my mom is left and she has at this point, the financial resources to provide for her care.  Her plan when her husband passes away is to move near me, so I will have better access to oversee her care.

I will see about assisted living until she can't manage.  Her dad lived in assisted living until he was 99; he only went to a nursing home for a month before he passed away.

Let me tell you....right now, my DH's almost 91 yr old mother lives with us...she'll be 91 in 4 days. She's got Alzheimers. It's AWFUL. She can walk, talk, get herself dressed and wipe her own butt but she has NO short-term memory. Constantly has to be told things over and over again. And gets MAD at you if you talk loudly because she's in complete denial that she has a hearing problem. Then if you get short with her for being asked repeatedly 500 times a day if the dog was fed...she cops an attitude!! It's frustrating to say the least. DH really saw how BAD his mother is when he was laid off from December to May. Yet neither he nor his brother will even THINK of putting their precious mother in a nursing home or an assisted living facility....save for her Alzheimers...she's perfectly healthy. I take more pills than she does (for my thyroid, allergies and a BP med to protect the increased bloodflow to my remaining kidney)!!!!

It doesn't matter HOW MANY TIMES we tell her that we've fed the dog, she cannot remember. We've told her this for two years now...and every day it's the same thing. Then she'll sneak the dog some of her food...or a cookie. Our dog is a small boston terrier/jack russell mix & weighs 22lbs...well thanks to her overfeeding him, he's got a heart murmur which could lead to CHF if he remains overweight and we've TOLD her...DO NOT FEED THE DOG!! YOU ARE GONNA KILL HIM and then I"'LL be stuck dealing with a heartbroken 10 yr old boy because of a batshit crazy MIL!!!! This woman has causes SO many issues in our marriage......so OP, if you are married...please take into consideration your spouse and children when making the decision.....if I had it to do over again...there is NO WAY IN HELL I would have agreed to allow MIL to live with us!!!!

Like you, I believe my MIL has some kind of undiagnosed psychiatric illness. NO ONE would ever take her to get her on meds. MIL's brother says that MIL has never been 'right'. My sister-in-law has told me of how their mother behaved when their father was alive and it sounds like this woman is bipolar but was never put on meds and believe me...seeing what I've seen these last 15 years...I believe it!! Last fall when she would have violent outbursts when called on the carpet for her behavior, she would hit things, yell, scream and once tried to hit my son! This was witnessed by my brother-in-law. I should also mention that they have a sister, who just turned 68 and she pretty much does NOTHING to help out with their mother. I told DH...look, either YOU and your brother take her to the doctor or I AM OUT OF HERE!!! I did some research and her Dr put her on a low dose of zyprexa..it did help and also cymbalta. The zyprexa stopped the violent outbursts.

Reading your OP....if you don't think you can handle her....and neither can your sisters...then you don't have much of a choice. You can't bring someone like her into your home...so she's gotta go into an assisted living facility at first....they aren't all bad.

One other thing I would add, that you need to consider in planning, is the financial aspect. I am not well versed in this, but nursing home care is expensive and Medicare does not cover it except under limited circumstances. If you have one parent, long term care will clean them out and then go to Medicaid to cover expenses, but it's more dicey in cases like mine, where my mom still needed an income.

My dad's care was almost $4,000 per month. Which we paid entirely. It took his social security plus his retirement benefit, but we were lucky we could do it. However, that left my mom only her social security to live on. She and my dad had both worked hard all their lives to build a comfortable retirement, and she went from basically being able to travel and do what she wanted to literally watching every dime. Their house was sold, and my sister and I both helped, but it's a really hard thing to deal with. Regular insurance will not cover it...you have to have long term care. The cost is definitely a huge part of the equation.

If you have a parent that was in the military there IS money available for them and and then their spouses. I know it was a Godsend when my folks went into Assisted Living. And I have to say how fortunate we were and how easy my dad made it for us. he was the one who said he couldn't keep up with the condo anymore nor help my mom, who'd had a stroke. It was like he read our minds. My mom was NOT happy about the move. but he convinced her it was the only way, he never wanted to be a burden on us, his children. Eventually my mom realized that, hey, they make my bed every day, they clean my room, they do my laundry, they give me 3 meals, this isn't bad. All I can say for anyone going thru this... good luck.

We need to get a plan. My mom is convinced we are going to send her off to a nursing home (I think she's kidding . . .).

DH's mom says they're staying in their house until they die. I don't think they have that much money. But I have no idea what kind of financial arrangements they might have made. I did notice the last time I was at their house that there was one of the Vial of Life things on their fridge with MIL's name on it. So maybe there's something going on with her that I don't know about yet. Or maybe she's just trying to be cautious. I think they would do great in a retirement community that has continuity of care (ie. independent, assisted, and healthcare).