Unattainable ideals ... for men

This guy was all over social media a few weeks ago about this video. CNN is late to the party. 😂

I have two things that stick out to me as body shaming by own mother. One is that even as a small child I was never allowed to eat more than one serving of potatoes. A serving mom dishes out. Me and potatoes in any form have had a love affair since I was a small child. My dad's carb preference was also potatoes. And my mom was just adamant that potatoes were not to be indulged in by me.

And secondly another comment stuck out when I was a teen. I was athletic. I played softball and went biking all the time with my good friend whose family did competitive long distance bike rides. I was lifting weights in gym class too. I had some very shapely (muscular) thighs. And I am 5'3" tall. We went shopping for jeans and I had(have) small hips but funding jeans that fit my thighs was a problem plus I was short. And my mother looked at me and said this would be a lot easier if I could just have long skinny legs like her and my sister. My mom is 5'7" and does have the bulk of her height in her legs. My sister is 5'9" and has always been thin and lanky.

The most irritating comment about the ideal woman came from my dad though. When I was pregnant with Chloe I mentioned that I'd be staying home after her birth for the first few years. And my dad said, what about your career? He said women of your generation are capable of taking care of house, children, and working and that I have no reason to walk away from my career. To this day that guy thinks that was a mistake (I was home for 6 years). And never once has shown any empathy for me having to handle it all for my children.

We lived on a military base when my oldest was 3-4. One day she piped up to me “wow have you lost weight? You look great!”

For the record I am very thin and always have been, never dieted, exercised as in the military at that time but not excessively. She was getting none of those messages from me, but the other women on our block talked about it all the time. She noticed it made women happy to say that so for her it was something nice to say to her mama 😭

I was crushed. The world is just out to get girls and women I swear. Which does not mean I want men to also suffer that, but toddlers internalizing these messages guy. Toddlers.

I was very lucky in that body shape or size food portions etc. were never mentioned by my mom or dad. And I was happily floating through childhood when an aunt commented that I “still had puppy fat” when I was around 12 years old. So innocuous, but I spent almost 40 years with disordered eating of some sort or another.

I’m so sad for all that wasted time. When I had my own children (two boys), I vowed to never talk about my weight, their weight, anybody’s weight or how much food somebody ate or didn’t eat.

Basket1lady in all of my dating years I have had exactly one friend that was concerned with how tall their boyfriend was. And that my college BFF who happens to be 6'3" tall herself. I have never otherwise heard a single discussion of height among my friends over the years. I just don't buy that height is a big issue.

I think it's true a lot of women prefer taller men... but I also can't think of any I know personally who otherwise really liked a man and their height was a dealbreaker. I think it's a common excuse that shorter men tell themselves when the real issue was something else. And perhaps some women do tell men they don't want want a second date because they prefer taller guys, but I highly doubt that's the primary reason. 

Only about 15% of American men are 6', so the math ain't mathing when the online manchildren whine that women won't date anyone under 6'. Even if you attributed the drop in long-term relationships/marriages SOLELY to women refusing to date shorter men, the math doesn't work (and OF COURSE, it's ludicrous to think any meaningful portion of the drop could be due to "being picky about height). 

It's always the men saying they are "quality men" but women won't date them because they're 5' 9" whose online posts make it very clear there is nothing "quality" about them, and their height has nothing to do with why they're not partnered. Women don't want them because they're entitled, misogynistic losers and women now have the option to be successful and happy on their own instead of being miserable with someone like that. 

Ok I’ll sheepishly raise my hand and admit height is a big deal to me - sorry guys!

I think I only dated one guy who was under 6' and DH is 6' 3". Height matters to me too. There's nothing wrong with having preferences!

But I just don't think it's the "problem" that some men make it out to be. The shorter guys who are loudly proclaiming they want to be married but no women are interested because they're not 6'... there are PLENTY of women out there who don't care about height. Height isn't the reason why no one is interested.

100%!

Just my humble opinion:

I think in general and in regards to everything and anything.....there is too much judgement.
Everyone has their own "ideal expectation" of how life in general should be, and anyone who is outside of that parameter is judged.
It happens with everything >> looks, weight, how one is living their life, where someone lives, what someone drives, what someone wears, what people children do, etc....
I think way too many people.....follow the crowd, jump on a bandwagon, live inside a society deemed box of expectations, judge everything by the proverbial "keeping up with the Jones", rushing to get whatever the latest trend items is, etc... instead of doing what they like or love.
I did that for many years and was miserable. I thought if I was more like the others, that would make my own Mother like or love me. I thought if I conformed to the society deemed expectations, it would help me be "normal". I have never fit the realm of normal. I repressed myself for decades, because I worried about what other people thought of me and how I lived my life, I told myself I had to be who and what I was expected to be. I tried to keep up with the proverbial Jones Family. I tried to have a home and life that was similar to everyone else. Deep inside I was unhappy and miserable. It sucked, trying to be who and what someone else expected me to be.

The second best thing I've done for myself is >> do not worry about what other people think. Divorce was the best thing I've ever done for myself.

If someone wants to judge me, because I am a little overweight, I scrapbook (crazy how many people think this is a waste of time), my car is older, I live in a small studio apt, I use expensive eye cream, I read a lot, I stay up to the wee hours - then sleep until noon whenever I can, I have become more of a homebody, I love 80's hair bands and classic rock, I am on my own path, I don't like drop-in visitors.......if others don't like me or how I live MY life, then they can feel free to excuse themselves from my life.

So many people are focused on pleasing others, meeting expectations, conforming to society expectations, etc... that they aren't being their true selves. They are being or doing what others expect.
No one should have to put pressure om themselves to keep up or fit in with other people.

It's not easy to go own your own path. It's different. It's unexpected. For some reason that bothers other people.
Personally speaking, breaking away from others expectations and society expectations.....it felt so freeing for me.
I no longer worry about whether others like me or not. As long as I am happy and content with myself and my life, that is all that matters.

If other people want to follow an influencer, a friend, a neighbor, a colleague, society, etc... If others want or need to be similar to someone else. If others need to conform to something. Then good for them. That way of life is not for me.

3rd grade, last year I was allowed to play Little League baseball. Coaches son spit on my cleats and said girls don't belong in baseball. He ad to run laps. A lot of laps. E also sat out a few games. He was mad that a girl got a pitching position and he didn't.

Anyways my parents were tired of the talk among the adults and wouldn't let me play again. They wanted to protect me from the hate.

I must say the women in my life have all been positive. I had one female gymnastics coach that was a bitch but whatever. I didn't let her mouth get to me (basically a scaredy cat can't be a gymnast and I'd never get over the floor beam and be able to do my routine on the regular beam because of my special awareness issues and afraid of falling and getting hurt again.)

Anyways, I have always been attacked by men.

Sophomore science teacher told my mom girls don't belong in honors chem especially being so young. Yes she gave him an earful and honestly it hurt and made me question my abilities and knowledge.

I took it the following year and have over a 110% in the class. But that is when I started to doubt girls could be in sciences (I am a Gen Xer).

Having to prove I am capable has been an ongoing battle even in medical care for the kids. Doctors thinking I don't know shut because I don't have a white coat. Being told I'm going to kill my child and his death will be on my hands.

Even in my business classes being molded by female professors of how to dress and act around male execs. Gross.

Yeah

Same. While I don't know that it would be 100% a deal breaker if DH was short, I do feel confident in saying I would not have agreed to go out with him initially had he been short. My first husband was shorter than I was - by just a little - and it was a huge issue that I would rather avoid at all costs going forward. So I married a man who is taller than me enough that it doesn't matter what heels I wear! 

There are absolutely women out there who are intently focused on physical appearance and financial earnings of a potential partner. They also tend to be equally focused on their own appearance, because they know someone who values social standing is going to expect it in return. There's nothing wrong with such an arrangement (trophy husband/wife) assuming both parties are in alignment.

However to present that as the defacto standard that women are looking for? Absolutely not. I'd say number one priority is someone who isn't a physical, emotional nor financial threat. Then someone who's willing to be a partner, in whichever way they both prefer to split responsibilities. Shared values. Kindness, emotional maturity, reliability. A partner has to be a net positive over being single; giving up the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want, with fewer obligations and compromises. Looks come a very distant eighth+ place. They may make a good first impression but they're not what's going to seal the deal.