scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,994
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 2, 2025 16:06:26 GMT
I have an aunt that is having a family reunion for her family. This would be all her kids and grandkids, which is a big deal since they live all over the US, so coming together at one time is great. She asked if my sister and I wanted to come too. My sister can't, she had already had a plan of coming to see me a week after this reunion. I had declined because of the drive.
Back story, my dad passed away unexpectedly Christmas Eve 2023, this aunt is one of my Dad's sisters (he has 4) and the one he spent any quality time with. She lives in MN and he lived in AZ. After his passing, we (sister, me, aunt) have been texting. Otherwise, prior to this, we have not really talked unless she was at my dad's when we were there too.
In July 2024 I had a fall that has resulted in losing sight in my left eye, I am adjusting to that and I am still not comfortable enough to drive on the freeway or at night. Driving to her would be about 6 plus hours.
I get a text from my aunt a couple of weeks ago that says "Any chance you can convince someone to help with the drive? This is turning into a big deal for me because ALL the California kids are coming. I could use someone to take pictures in exchange for room and board."
I feel I am being put in a very difficult position and I don't know how to respond "nicely". I already said that I would not be coming because of the drive.
How would you respond?
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Post by quietgirl on May 2, 2025 16:11:11 GMT
Oh that's a shame. Don't you hate it when people don't listen the first time?
"I'm sorry, I'm unable to come."
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Post by gar on May 2, 2025 16:14:45 GMT
Would you like to go apart from the drive? Is there any possibility of someone else driving you there?
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Post by Linda on May 2, 2025 16:19:50 GMT
I'm sorry that your answer wasn't accepted - I'm also sorry that it's sounding like they want you there to work (take photos) rather than just because they want to see you.
I would stay firm "As I said, I will be unable to attend. Hope everyone has a great time!"
(((Hugs))) family can be complicated
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Post by lisae on May 2, 2025 16:35:43 GMT
I just reread your post and realized that I'd originally misunderstood. It sounds like you truly don't want to go because of logistics and your aunt wants you there for you and because she needs help. She needs to be given a firm "No, as I've said before, I can't make it because of the long drive." She can hire a photographer or get one of her kids to take photos.
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Post by littlemama on May 2, 2025 16:52:16 GMT
Im sorry, that won't be possible.
Im sorry, that isn't a viable option.
Im sorry, have you thought about having one of the california kids take the damn pictures?
The Im sorry isnt because you are sorry. It is just to soften the blow
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Post by Zee on May 2, 2025 16:56:57 GMT
She wants you to come as the help? "in exchange for room and board" what is this, 1843?
Or is she referring to whoever your driver would be, if you found someone to help? That would definitely make a difference to me.
Unless you do really want to go and can find someone willing to help, I'd just say I can't due to being blind in one eye and not having anyone available to drive me. And she can hire a photographer.
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Post by quinlove on May 2, 2025 16:59:59 GMT
Oh that's a shame. Don't you hate it when people don't listen the first time? "I'm sorry, I'm unable to come." This sounds good to me. |
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Post by ~summer~ on May 2, 2025 17:03:01 GMT
So she’s charging you to come stay with her?
I’d just say sorry you can’t make it.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,994
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 2, 2025 17:03:31 GMT
Would you like to go apart from the drive? Is there any possibility of someone else driving you there? Honestly, no, I don't. I would have declined with or without my eye issue. |
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,994
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 2, 2025 17:04:31 GMT
Im sorry, have you thought about having one of the california kids take the damn pictures?  This is why I don't want to answer, this would be something I would say. |
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Post by KikiPea on May 2, 2025 17:22:54 GMT
Yeah, no thanks.
I would just reiterate that I am unable to come.
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Post by scrapcat on May 2, 2025 17:35:35 GMT
You don't need to make any excuse, can just decline again. That's a little much to not invite you as a guest with your description of the situation and to basically work for her. It sounds like that was the reason for the invite all along then? This is why ppl don't interact with extended family! lol.
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,899 
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on May 2, 2025 17:37:34 GMT
Sorry, I don't have anyone to drive me and won't be able to make it. Here is a link to a tripod for taking group photos.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,994
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 2, 2025 17:56:25 GMT
So she’s charging you to come stay with her? I’d just say sorry you can’t make it. No, not charging me. It would be free to stay with her and not have to get a motel. |
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Post by jill8909 on May 2, 2025 18:02:12 GMT
Honestly I'm shocked that you feel the need for support to say no. Of course you have no obligation and need to put yourself first here. Hope you do!!
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,950
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Post by Rhondito on May 2, 2025 18:02:28 GMT
How rude.
I would write back, "No thanks."
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Post by ~summer~ on May 2, 2025 18:19:50 GMT
So she’s charging you to come stay with her? I’d just say sorry you can’t make it. No, not charging me. It would be free to stay with her and not have to get a motel. but she is charging you - she’s says you can stay if you take photos, correct? |
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Post by padresfan619 on May 2, 2025 18:45:07 GMT
She knows what she’s doing. If it was that important she can hire a photographer.
“No, I’m sorry I am not able to make that work. Enjoy the reunion”
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,994
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 2, 2025 19:34:53 GMT
No, not charging me. It would be free to stay with her and not have to get a motel. but she is charging you - she’s says you can stay if you take photos, correct? The first invite was just that my sister and I could stay with her. This second invite is me also taking photos. |
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,461
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Post by gina on May 2, 2025 19:35:47 GMT
If I really wanted to go or she said it was turning into a big deal and something along the lines of "we all would REALLY LOVE TO SEE YOU", I *may* consider.
She wants you there to take pictures?! lol Yeah, hard no.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on May 2, 2025 20:30:08 GMT
“Sorry, it won’t work for me”. No need to make excuses
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Post by workingclassdog on May 2, 2025 20:47:41 GMT
Thanks for thinking of me — I really appreciate the invite and I can tell this trip means a lot to you, especially with all the California kids coming. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help with the drive or photography this time. I hope it all goes smoothly, and I’m wishing you the best with the event!
I used Chatgpt.. lol
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,672
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on May 2, 2025 20:50:25 GMT
No is a complete answer. "No I'm sorry I am unable to attend." The more you say, the more she will keep pestering you. It sounds like she is the type of person that you will need to set firm boundaries.
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Post by littlemama on May 2, 2025 20:56:55 GMT
Im sorry, have you thought about having one of the california kids take the damn pictures? This is why I don't want to answer, this would be something I would say. Yeah, get it out of your system here and then you can craft a more polite answer. 😂 |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 2, 2025 21:44:56 GMT
I think it's rude, that your invite and invitation to stay with her, is contingent on you taking all the photographs during the gathering.
She doesn't want your company and your camaraderie, she wants your services rendered.
My nice reply would be: (although a part of me, would want to a send a WTF? text....I would keep it classy, then be done).
Dear Aunt
I am not able to attend. Have a good time.
Best regards, Niece name.
After the nice text was sent, then I would be done with her.
If all I am wanted for is >> "services rendered" in exchange for "room and board", then I have no desire to remain in contact or be a part of her life.
True colors, words, and actions.....speak volumes.
Thank goodness for boundaries, limits, distancing and good riddance.
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Post by voltagain on May 3, 2025 0:43:24 GMT
I get a text from my aunt a couple of weeks ago that says "Any chance you can convince someone to help with the drive? This is turning into a big deal for me because ALL the California kids are coming. I could use someone to take pictures in exchange for room and board."Honestly, this exchange of photos for room/board would hurt me. She wants family photos... if I am taking those photos so that I am not IN the photos too, then I am outside of the family. Just my point of view based on attending large family reunions, but I strongly suspect if I found a driver I'd spent majority of the time feeling that glass wall of not being part of their real family. Not my child to her and not my sibling to the cousins plus being a total stranger to the cousin's kids. THEY are going to want to have their close circle family to reminisce and build new memories. Not much interest in a wider family circle taking in cousins. I would just say "I really am not able to attend this year but thank you for asking" |
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Post by voltagain on May 3, 2025 1:03:04 GMT
Just my experience, I have a cousin I've kept in touch with. She is one of eight kids. When my visits with my mom overlap her visits with her mom the 4 of us get together and have an enjoyable visit. But when my cousin's siblings show up along with spouses and kids visiting is no longer enjoyable. They don't intend to get clique-ish but it does happen. They want to relive memories with each other. The brothers end up in a group, sisters in another group with occasional break outs into "close in age" groups. Or a group of "siblings with young babies" and another group of siblings with teens. (there is about a 20 year age difference between oldest and youngest) But if you didn't live in their house during those years it can feel like being a very unwanted guest. Don't feel bad about not going. Tell your aunt to enjoy being with her kids and grandkids.
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Post by mikklynn on May 3, 2025 1:44:07 GMT
Would you like to go apart from the drive? Is there any possibility of someone else driving you there? Honestly, no, I don't. I would have declined with or without my eye issue. Then this is easy. I'm sorry I can't make it, repeating as necessary. Although, if she responds again, I'd ignore it. Life is way too short to be pressured into doing anything you do not wish to do. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 3, 2025 16:42:49 GMT
I don’t know why so many start off with “I’m sorry” when this is nothing to be sorry for. It’s not even unfortunate, the OP just doesn’t want to go. Aunt invited, OP declined (which is where it should have ended). Then aunt doubled down with the guilt trip and IMO was actually quite rude even if that wasn’t her intention. The response I liked best so far was, “As I said, I will be unable to attend. Hope everyone has a great time!”
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This is why I don't want to answer, this would be something I would say.
