Couple questions about marriage

We're happily married 24 years in, 30 if you count the living together first. 

Chemistry? That's tricky...do we know what each other is thinking? Yes, frequently. Do I look forward to him coming through the door at night? Yes. Are we having sex every 5 mins as were in our early days? No, but that rampant urgency has translated into something calmer, deeply meaningful and loving in a way those early encounters just couldn't have been. I can't answer for him but I'd hazard a guess that it's much the same as I feel.

I'm sorry if you're not happy.

Well, what do you define it as?

To me "chemistry" with my exDH was that feeling of relief when he got home and I thought ok, now our evening can begin together. We can eat dinner, talk, take a bath together (no it's not sexual) it's custom, and talk to connect with one another. He was the type of person who needed to be touching me all the time. One of us on the couch and the other on the floor maybe but we were always touching. This to me is chemistry. The anticipation of waiting for him to get home and the relief I got once he was home.

We have been married 30 yrs. when I feel the chemistry diminishing, I get back in the girl friend mode versus the roommate mode. I just had this little talk w my husband. We need to focus on us more which means he tries to leave work earlier on certain days.

I needed to come home to my own country (we had this in our marriage agreement). When it came time, he wouldn't come to live here. (We found him a great job, in his field, doing work way better than he was doing there, business trips back to Japan, great salary etc. but he didn't want to leave.) I gave it a year. I said ok I have had enough and good bye. That was the end. We still loved each other and everything. He just wouldn't move here.

I'm sorry. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Men (a lot of  men) get very very stupid after 20+ years. I kid you not, they go through a second hormonal change that I call male menopause, and they can be horrible. 


I don't wish what you're going through on any woman/family, and all I can tell you is to prepare yourself for a  very bumpy ride. This could get a lot worse before it gets better.


I really do hate to say it, but I won't lie to you. You need to believe that he's intent on putting space between you right now, and he might never be able to even tell you why.

1. Married for 12 years (going on 13) and together since our first date March 2000.

2. I think in a lot of ways we are very compatible but the differences we have really came to light once we had kids. Being parents has changed everything. Our boys are 5 years apart (10 yrs & 5 yrs) and we are constantly pulled in different directions. He works a lot of hours in the state next to us. We have very little alone time together, even alone time to discuss things like home repairs, saving money, budget, etc. We have "adapted" to the way things are, but some days I question how we got here. Sparks? Not all the time mostly because when we do see each other, I am exhausted. His schedule is not mine and the boys schedule. Also he doesn't have a type of job I can call and text him multiple times a day. Somedays I will go from 9 am - 7:30pm not talking to him at all just because of his schedule. When he gets home, we are doing the kids bedtime and then he hasn't eaten dinner. Every once in a while we are on the same page and that is good thing, otherwise, it would be like we are roommates. If you asked him, I think he would say everything is great and he is satisfied with the way it is. And seriously I am not being naïve about this, it is his personality. He does not like change and this is the schedule he has worked since graduating from college.

In all of my "adult" life, I have never believed there is just one person out there. There always might be the one you feel that got away or one true love, but I think there is more than one person out there for everyone. I dated a lot of people before my dh and lived on my own (with and without roommates) for many years. I think timing of meeting the person you marry has a lot to do with it. I think chemistry of the two people is important, but I also feel like how you can tolerate living under the same roof with someone is a whole other story. I think it is very hard to live in and share a household.

I know this is horrific for you. {{{Hugs}}}

Sounds as though he has some issues and could use some therapy!  Have you asked him what specifically he thinks chemistry between you two should look like?  Almost sounds to me like he's unhappy with himself and not taking responsibility but projecting that onto the relationship.  Ask me how I know that one

I find it curious that he wants to take 2 of the 5 children.  How does that work in his mind?  Which two is he "taking" and what reason has he chosen the two he's choosing?  That part to me is pretty crazy to me.  I've not heard of dividing up the kids.

I'm interesting in reading about male menopause myself, but definitely sounds like he could use some counseling.  And honestly you probably should get some too, this is a very stressful situation to be dealing with.  ((hugs))

That was my first thought too. Like is he looking for hot, steamy, makeout at a drop of a hat in the kitchen, type passion you see in movies? Maybe he is searching for that butterflies in your stomach like when you are first dating someone new? Is he looking for someone that completely "gets him" and he doesn't have to explain himself? If I was in this situation, I feel like I wouldn't be satisfied until I heard from him, in his own words, what he means by chemistry.



ETA: Does it seem like a mid-life crisis that he is going thru?  Have you been together for a long time?