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Post by AN on Jul 7, 2014 0:19:00 GMT
I'm having a hard time in real life finding people who can relate to DH and my's feelings, so I thought I'd check with THE ALL KNOWING PEAS!!
Is there anyone out there who was (or is) on the fence about having kids? Not "OMG I don't ever want kids" and also not "Of course some day I want kids." Just - "Yeah, I could go either way, kids have their upsides but being childfree also has its upsides."
Short background, but I really just want to hear your stories: DH and I are 29/30, we are both sort of 50/50 on having kids. I do prefer having kids sooner rather than later if it is something we want, so it sort of annoys me when people say "You have so much time, you don't need to decide now." 30 isn't that young if you have no kids and then decide to have a few. I really feel like DH needs to be *totally* on board. I know I'd be a fine mom and would enjoy it, it just isn't something I feel this deep biological urge for. But I feel like men who don't want them can be pushed into it by their wives and then be resentful more easily, so I really want to avoid that (I'm pushy, just not on this topic).
I thought DH was starting to make a decision that he wanted kids. His big thing is that in 20 years, he thinks he'll probably regret it if he doesn't, but he knows it will be hard for many years while raising them too. I tend to agree, if I could jump straight to the adult-kids with grandkids phase, I'd be all for that. Well, then he talked to his brother, who has a 3 month old. His brother and SIL have ALWAYS wanted kids, it is just wired into them. His brother was telling him, "You can't do this for the long game, you have to want them now and be excited about having a baby, it's too hard otherwise." I don't know that I agree with that, I think his brother just can't relate to being on the fence and being able to imagine life both ways. He has always been excited about having kids, so it's hard for him to imagine otherwise, you know? I think you need to be prepared for having a baby and small kids, but I don't necessarily think you have to like those phases to make it worthwhile to have kids.
It seems like that gave DH pause, so now we're pretty much back to square one of 50/50. Bleh. I hate indecision.
Alright, but what I really want to hear - if you were on the fence about having kids, how did you decide, and how do you feel about your decision years later? I'm interested in both those who did have kids and those who didn't.
People who always knew they wanted kids are welcome to chime in, but to be honest, I feel like it is hard to relate to stories of people who always knew they wanted kids (or people who vehemently are childfree). I just think it's a totally different mindset and decision-making process.
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Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 7, 2014 0:28:48 GMT
I did not have a biological urge or overwhelming desire to have kids. We also had not gotten to the age/time of our lives where the decision was urgent. If anything, I was leaning against children because of travel/money/career ambitions. We had a birth control failure, I got pregnant and then lost that baby. After that, my husband was 100% gung ho so we actively tried and I got pregnant right away. Up until the day my son was born, I was unsure if I was ready/wanted to be a mom and if I was up to the task. I have not regretted it once since then and I don't identify at all with the person I was before our children were born. We humans are remarkably adaptable. I'm not at all dismissive of people who choose to remain child free but I just think it's something the value/enjoyment of which is impossible to quantify until you are in that position.
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Post by jenettycakes on Jul 7, 2014 0:34:31 GMT
Honestly we were not. After 8 years together, our son was a "surprise". And a very welcome surprise at that. I just didn't have the mommy itch and loved being Aunty to all. I was mid-thirties and still not feeling a rush but did have the mindset of if it happened, it happened. And now no.2 is on his way and we couldn't be happier. But we were fulfilled and happy prior to our newfound family too.
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 11:24:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 0:35:53 GMT
30 is not that young to get pregnant and saying you have lots of time is not that helpful to be honest. You need wisdom and energy to deal with a child which you obviously have. My friend is 68 with a 21 year old...and the mother's health is failing.
I am an advocate for younger is often not always better but sometimes sooner or later is.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 7, 2014 0:38:38 GMT
i didn't have this huge urge to procreate or be a mom
i got pregnant and didn't freak out
then i had another - a surprise again
i adore my kids
didn't want anymore after #2
i am not the kind that sees babies and gets all mushy
in fact...i'm not all that into other people's kids (except of course my grandkids)
i think you won't really know until you get pregnant
and if you don't...you may never know
gina
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Post by stingfan on Jul 7, 2014 0:44:14 GMT
I was completely uninterested in having kids for several years after I got married. Then, for me, it was like a switch was flipped and the biological urge kicked in. Maybe that will happen for you and your dh too at some point. How long have you been married? Maybe you just need more time as just a couple before you'll 'know'. And maybe you'll never know but do it anyway  . |
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Post by rst on Jul 7, 2014 0:54:27 GMT
I was ambivalent, but my thought was that I didn't want to regret never having had children. My DH was neutral. I had my first at 30 (DH was 36), w, 3 more in the next 5 years. I've never regretted having them at all. Obviously children complicate life, but they are also a joy. I've never been overly fond of children as a group, but I truly enjoyed (and continue to enjoy) my own.
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Post by lumo on Jul 7, 2014 0:54:43 GMT
I was completely uninterested in having kids for several years after I got married. Then, for me, it was like a switch was flipped and the biological urge kicked in. This is pretty much how it was for me too. In fact, for YEARS before I got married, I swore up and down that I was NEVER having kids. And now I have one who'll be turning 6 on Saturday  We're currently mulling over the idea of trying for a second one. |
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Jul 7, 2014 1:10:09 GMT
Here is my story: I always thought I would have kids, because that what people do, right? But I'm not really a baby/kid person. I like playing with kids, but I'm ready to be rid of them after a short time. DH felt the same way and our theory was "if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then that's OK, too." Well in 2000 I got pregnant, with twins!, and unfortunately they had major problems (TTTS) and were stillborn. It was horrible. After a few more years of not really preventing but not wanting to go through that again, I decided to get the Essure procedure. I don't regret it at all.
I'm happy without kids and I would've been happy with them. Please don't let someone talk you into because that's what society says you're supposed to do. It's OK to not have kids.
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Post by Pahina722 on Jul 7, 2014 1:12:10 GMT
I married late (almost 30) and wasn't interested until my mid-30s. When ex and I began actively working at it, we quickly found that his swimmers were barely dog-paddling and we quit trying--and it didn't bother either of us. Then we divorced, I remarried at 40 and within 2 years, it was all I could think about. It didn't help that DH is younger and all his friends either had young children or were getting pregnant. He was willing to go with whatever I wanted to do. Unfortunately, by that time it was going to take heroic measures for me to get pregnant, so we decided to adopt. DS joined our family when I was 44. Now, I can't imagine life without him, but until my early 40s, I just didn't care that much.
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Post by Belia on Jul 7, 2014 1:15:44 GMT
I always knew I wanted children, but my DH was very ambivalent. Like, adamantly opposed as he was younger, then moving to 50/50 at his best. But when we got married I felt no rush and actually was LESS open to having kids as time went on. Like, I realized how much work it would be in reality and thought, "Holy crap!" Finally, right around our 10th anniversary I turned 35 and that was kind of the deadline in my mind. Like, time to sh!t or get off the pot. So we got pg and had our son... thank goodness I got pregnant very, very quickly. He was (still is!) a joy and awesome, birds singing, angels flying, etc etc etc. I was never really keen on having an only child, but I felt like we had such a good routine with #1 that I was hesitant to mess around with it by adding in #2. But again, the calendar beckoned, and when I was 38/39 I thought, again, "If we're going to do this again, it's now or never." I really wanted to have #2 before (or very close to) 40. So again I got pg right away and DS #2 came along when I was 39 1/2. DH never holds strong opinions about anything, so he was willing to go along with my timeline, so to speak. I think the fact that we had those 10 years together before kids really helped- he knew I was seeing him as more than a sperm donor!  Plus we had more money and were more settled in our careers, etc. Both of my kids are the loves of my life. I catch myself just watching them do stupid things... chewing their food, watching TV, walking down the sidewalk... and I am just so in love with them. But at the same time, probably once a month I think to myself that having #2 was a mistake. I should have just stuck with one child- I would be so much less overwhelmed, more relaxed, have more money, have more time, feel more peaceful.... everything would be easier. Now I don't think I really mean these thoughts- I struggle with depression and anxiety and have had serious bouts with each in the past. But the reality is that kids take sooooo much out of you that it would be stupid to go into it thinking everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time. But, for me, it's been worth it. Good luck as you work through this decision. |
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azredhead
Drama Llama
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Post by azredhead on Jul 7, 2014 1:17:19 GMT
I am in the same boat as Sarah H. although sometimes I think my biological clock is 'broken' along with a few other things. I was told I never would have children naturally let a lone carry one too full term due to a congenital heart defect, that has progressed over the years not for the better. DH has wanted children more than I. We never took precautions but never perused it after the news of it was mostly likely not going to happen at all. I don't know if my 'want' became numb after that or what. I love my nieces and nephews. But I also love that I can give them back.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 7, 2014 1:20:19 GMT
I was on the fence about having any with my 2nd dh. I told him a month into dating that I wasn't having any more kids so if he had to have a child (I had 2 from my first marriage and he had none) than we should just stay friends. He told me he had always wanted kids but he wanted a wife more. Long story short we dated, got married and than we were married 3 years before we had one. During that time I flip flopped all over the place. I wanted one right after we got married and than other times I said, nope I am done! But after a few years I knew in my heart we had to give it a try. Honestly it really does change your life. That isn't being dramatic but it does. Making sure your marriage is solid with a great foundation and rid of any stressors that we can predict or create is one of the things that I think helped us. I am so glad we had a few years to do that before we had a little one around. We traveled, settled in our home, spend time on us. I don't regret any of that. You both are young. So whatever you decide know you have time. Time to live the life you want, either way. Being on the same page with your decision is all that matters.
I do have some friends that got married a few years back and he wanted kids and she was fine either way. I had heard her thoughts on it and she truly was good either way. They starting trying and it took a while to get pregnant. They got pregnant and have a baby girl and motherhood has been so beautiful on her. It is so amazing to watch. It is hard to describe writing it because I thought she was a great person before but motherhood birthed more in her than just her daughter. It is just so beautiful to see because she was fine either way. She is an amazing mom and woman.
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Post by kckckc on Jul 7, 2014 1:24:36 GMT
I was very ambivalent about having children. I was heavily invested in my career, I never really enjoyed being around other's children, and felt no "clock ticking" urge.
DH had decided he really wanted children and after much discussion, we decided to try. I immediately became pregnant, had our first child at 28 and our second at 30.
I love my children more than I would have thought possible, honestly enjoyed raising them, enjoy our adult relationship, and have never regretted our decision. Knowing what I know now, I would definitely regret it if we hadn't decided to have children. But, for me I think I would have been happy without children - I wouldn't have known what I was missing.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Jul 7, 2014 1:29:34 GMT
I truly believe that unless you cannot imagine life without kids, don't have them. I know spook many people who after getting a a few drinks in them or for whatever reason blurted out the truth, which is that they are far less happy after having kids.
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Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 7, 2014 1:39:21 GMT
I always thought I wanted to have kids later in life and have at least 2 because I felt lonely as an only child. Then despite my efforts to the contrary I got pregnant at 18. Of course I love DD but as young parents DH and I struggled and I wasn't about to have another one and make life more difficult for DD. She is now 14, I'm 33 and I just had my tubes tied 3 weeks ago. When she was in early elementary school I started having the desire to have another, but we couldn't get it together financially enough that I could quit working or cut hours, so it just never happened. I'm totally ok with that now. I think DH regrets not having another, I know he would have like to have tried for a son, but DD and I are so close and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
On the flip side, we have friends that said they never wanted kids, the husband was adamant, wife was on the fence. The guy actually thought he was sterile based on past experiences. They got too secure in that notion and after about a year or the wife stopping her BCP she got pregnant. He was ok with it, but he's one of these guys whose mom always took care of him then he moved right in with the wife so he never really understood responsibility. She was devastated at first; I think she really wanted kids, but her DH was unemployed when she first got pregnant. Now, the baby is 2 months old and they are both totally gaga. They are the new parents that make you roll your eyes. I think they will probably end up having several. So even though you may be on the fence now, that will probably change.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 1:40:08 GMT
When we got married, I was 28, DH was 27. We had discussed having kids "one day." We weren't actively trying, but we weren't preventing either. If it happened, it happened. DH did say several times he didn't know if he'd be a good father, so if we didn't have any kids, he wouldn't be disappointed. He was just kind of "meh" about the whole thing.
I got pregnant after we'd been married nearly 2 years. As soon as I showed him the positive pregnancy test, DH got excited. He went to every OB appointment with me and asked more questions than I did. It was like he went from not really caring one way or the other to being the most involved daddy ever!
DD came along 17 months after DS, and I have to say that despite his misgivings about being a good father, DH was amazing with the kids. Still is.
I'm not going to lie, raising kids isn't easy and you do need to be all in. It's not just babyhood and toddlerhood that are hard. Each phase has its challenges. But honestly, the love you have for your offspring really does balance the difficulties.
Whatever you decide, best of luck.
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Post by dulcemama on Jul 7, 2014 1:46:11 GMT
When DH and I married, we both wanted kids. But the time never seemed right and, as we got older, I became less sure that I wanted them and DH became very sure that he didn't want them. We had a surprise pregnancy when I was 39 and were over the moon about it once the shock wore off. With that said though, we have no desire to have any more children. One is plenty for us.
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Post by Zee on Jul 7, 2014 1:46:29 GMT
I always knew I wanted to have children, since I was in my teens. DH and I have been together, mostly, since we were 17 & 20. I got pregnant when I was 21 and he was not at all interested in being a father. He refused to even discuss it at first. But he became resigned to the idea after a few months. Then when our DD was born and they handed her to him, it was like an instant and immediate love for him. His face was radiant. She's 19 now and is still Daddy's Princess. We were 22 & 25. Our second child was born when we were 26 & 29. Pregnancy was very difficult for me and my doctor advised I probably should not attempt it a third time, which was fabulous news for me as I was planning on asking him for a tubal ligation anyway.
I had irregular cycles and didn't tolerate hormonal BC well, so that was a good solution for me. I'm not sure it would have been very easy for me to get pregnant if I had waited until my mid 30s, as so many women do nowadays. I ended UO having a hysterectomy when I was 39. I'm 42 now and completely uninterested in mothering small children. I had a lot more energy when I was younger and needed a lot less sleep. I'm very happy I had them when I did, even though it meant we worked harder and had a lot less money when they were little. I feel like our 40s is our time now. Of course, we still provide for them and parent them, but at ages 19 and 16 they require a lot less of us and we are able to have more relaxing together time because the kids are always busy.
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Post by M~ on Jul 7, 2014 1:48:41 GMT
I wanted kids in my early 20's. Then I got super busy with undergrad, graduate and law school, which took me to my 30's. At that time, I was too concentrated on starting a career, and was VERY uninterested in getting pregnant (artificial insemination).Then I *really* thought about it, and concluded that this would really be selfish on my part, and I would grow to resent having ANOTHER responsibility. I started earning more money and thought to myself, "my family responsibilities are going to grow, and if I become a parent, I'll never have time for *me*, and I'm finally making some money here--KIDS ARE EXPENSIVE!!!"
I waited some more and BAM, I was diagnosed with RA. I cried that day because I came to the conclusion that I was not going to take a chance and pass on my disease to another human being. Then, I became sick and had to have a hysterectomy (eventually).
No kids for me.
I have had A LOT of family responsibility, and in a way, I have to be a parent to my grandmother. I am honest enough to understand that I want to be selfish and enjoy *MY* time when she passes away; I don't want a kid-not even adoption. In a way, having a hysterectomy is great because I no longer have to debate with myself, and often, when people ask my why I don't have kids, I simply say that I can't physically have kids, as opposed to the "I really don't want kids because I want to enjoy my life and be childless forever," which ALWAYS garners horrific looks.
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Post by Merge on Jul 7, 2014 2:15:03 GMT
We were on the fence/leaning toward not having kids, but got accidentally pregnant when I was 27 (we'd been married 4 years). After the initial shock we were excited about it. We suck at birth control and our second daughter was a surprise, too. I'm not going to lie; there were some very hard years in there. And now they're 11 and 13 and it's all drama all the time. But I love them both to pieces and can't imagine my life without them. I don't know; I think our generation overthinks the decision to have kids. Unless you have some seriously dysfunctional stuff going on, I've never heard of anyone who really regretted having a baby or babies. I'm sure others will have stories to the contrary; this is just my experience. I know with any life decision, when times are difficult, most of us regret the loss of the easier time before the decision was made, but IMO there's a long way between that and wishing you'd never had kids at all. Nothing in life is perfect and there will never be a perfect time or situation to have kids. You also don't have to be a perfect parent. Love your kids and do your best. That's enough. |
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Post by jlynnbarth on Jul 7, 2014 5:00:59 GMT
My girlfriend was just like you. Totally on the fence about having kids. She wasn't into to babies, never wanted to hold anyone's new baby etc... She hit 35 and started feeling like she was missing something in her life and so did her dh, but "baby" wasn't it. Another friend of ours was a social worker and suggested that they think about Fostering an older child. They talked about it for about a year and decided to "try" it. They went through the process of becoming Foster parents and 6 months after that they took in a ten year old little girl. They loved iher! She was sweet and funny, needed a little counciling for some emotional things, but it wasn't anything they weren't able to handle. 2 years later they adopted her and have been as happy as happy can be ever since. Maybe that is an avenue you might look at. I know it's not something everyone is cut out for. I know it's not something my dh and I could have done as we had 2 of our own biological children when I was 22 and 24. That was the perfect amount for us. I hope you are happy no matter what you decide. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 7, 2014 5:11:29 GMT
I'm 26, my husband is 29. We STILL are on the fence?  ?. Maybe we will have 1. I dunno. I just don't feel that pull to have kids. I only feel some pressure because I'm the only married person out of my siblings. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 5:21:56 GMT
That was kind of us. We were never driven to have kids but we weren't opposed to it either. Before we got married, we agreed on what milestones we would want to achieve prior to deciding one way or another for sure about kids.
Once we hit those, we talked about whether or not we felt ready for kids. We didn't. We revisited it about a year later and decided we'd quit using birth control and see what happened. We'd been married almost 5 years then. It took almost 4 years to get pregnant with DS. I was almost 35 and DH was 39 when DS was born.
I am so very glad we had him, and I can't imagine life without him anymore, but if it had never happened, we would have been ok with that too. He's the best thing ever, but we also felt totally satisfied and complete when it was just us.
And for what it's worth, we are actually really glad we had DS when we did, even though we ended up being older than we thought we wanted to be. We are pretty average age for parents around here, and we love all the years alone together and stability we had before adding to our family.
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Post by kristalina on Jul 7, 2014 5:25:52 GMT
My dh just asked me what the question was and he wanted me to tell you: If you don't really care, don't have them, because they're hard to get rid of once you have them!  Neither of us actively wanted children. So when I heard the words "should I have used a condom?" I marked the date on the calendar and sure enough, I was pregnant with my first at age 35, after being with dh for 13 years. When our daughter was about 1-1 1/2, we decided we didn't want to be her sole source of entertainment for the next couple of decades so we decided to have a second. I was 38 when we had our second daughter. They are 22 and 19 now and both in college. I really can't imagine life without them now. |
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garcia5050
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Posts: 2,770
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Post by garcia5050 on Jul 7, 2014 5:32:25 GMT
I think most people are not on the fence. Most lean very heavily in one direction or the other. My husband wanted kids while we were young, but I just knew that most of the day to day newborn responsibilities would be mine, and I just didn't feel like i was ready for that kind of all consuming work. Like ATJ, my clock was ticking very loudly, right at my 32nd birthday. We had been together for 13 years at this point. By then, DH no longer felt ready, but he left the decision mostly up to me. I did get pregnant right away, and I am very glad I waited until I was ready.
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jul 7, 2014 5:35:07 GMT
We wanted to be married for 3 years before trying. Of course I met dh later in life so all of my timelines had a late start. We dealt with infertility for about 4 years, so ds came along about 8 years after marriage. DH would have been fine if we didn't have children. I knew I wanted children but infertility basically decided how many, one. I knew I'd work while raising a child. Instead of following a timeline, I think it's more important to be ready. Some people get married and have children and really didn't have a life together before kids. We had many years together before a child. I don't think you really understand how it can change your life until it does. As someone else said, each stage has its own challenges. Sleep deprivation in the first 18 months was awful. I couldn't wait until he would sleep and be more independent and communicate (he doesn't stop now). I look back at those toddler pictures and miss that stage terribly not only because it was easier in many ways, but I only get to do this once. Each stage has its own challenges on a marriage. I'd like to know statistics on the divorce rate before kids and after kids and often wonder if that would change if couples didn't have kids. "How long have you been married? Maybe you just need more time as just a couple before you'll 'know'. And maybe you'll never know but do it anyway . " I agree. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 5:36:45 GMT
I guess I always wanted a child, but it wasn't a burning desire like it is for some people. I married close to 30, and then life got in the way for a long time, had lots of losses, etc., and it never seemed like the right time.
Finally, at 36, I got pregnant for the first time, which ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. Afterwards, I told dh, I'm not getting any younger, so we need to be serious about this if we want a child. So as soon as we could after my miscarriage, I bought an ovulation predictor machine and within a month, I was pregnant again. I was a little gobsmacked that it happened so soon, to be honest!
My son was born when I was a month shy of turning 38, and I can't imagine my life without him. I know this is going to sound completely corny, but I have never had so much true joy as I have in the last 6 years. Yes, there are some inconveniences the first few years, but to me the payoff for those inconveniences *far* outweighs them. I only have one kid, and we are considering foster to adopt in the future, but aren't sure.
Best wishes to you and your dh!
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Post by peano on Jul 7, 2014 5:55:47 GMT
I was pretty sure I didn't want kids, not because I didn't want kids but because I wanted to be sure I could do a better job than my parents, and I wasn't sure. Met my current DH when I was in my late 30s, coincidentally when he was out walking with his SIL and his 2 year old nephew. As we got to know each other better, it was obvious he'd be an awesome, involved father, based on his relationship with his nephew. I had little or no experience with kids, never babysat, had no younger cousins etc. Foreign territory.
Sooo, also, during this time I started needing to buy lots of baby shower presents and would find myself bursting into tears in the store holding the little outfits. Don't discount the tolling of the biological clock LOL.
After three years of dating, we moved in together and I brought him home for Thanksgiving to meet my family and friends and when I discussed my ambivalence with my oldest friend from childhood, she said do it, he'll help you, he'll be a wonderful father etc.
So basically we got off the plane from this trip and I got pregnant the same day; I had said on the trip home OK, we should probably start now trying to have a baby, since I was 39 and thought I'd have trouble conceiving.
It turns out I am a WAY better parent than my parents were, but they were 18 and 21; I could no more have been a decent parent at that age than they.
The first few months ARE incredibly difficult, and I loved the early infant stage, which lots of people don't since you don't get much back in the early days. Hormones, sleep deprivation, radical change to your past way of life all at the same time are challenging. The constant needs of an infant are draining. I remember feeling drained and trapped--DH kept saying, "when are things going to get back to normal?" and I was all, "this IS normal--the new normal".
Anyway, I have never regretted my decision to have children; I do regret waiting so long, as I was only able to have one child. I don't think this is true for everyone, but for me, having a child was the final impetus for me to grow up, take responsibility, stop blaming my parents for their shortcomings and move on. The love I feel for DS is so deep as to be indescribable. I would have been OK with not having a child, but having DS has enriched me in ways I wouldn't have known otherwise.
It could just be having an only but I can say it's been really easy for the most part. The newborn stage and age 3-4 was difficult, but now he's 14 and it's otherwise been a breeze. I am feeling a little anxious about his upcoming HS and college years, where mistakes can have life-altering consequences.
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Post by Belia on Jul 7, 2014 14:02:33 GMT
I think I would have been happy without children - I wouldn't have known what I was missing. This I think sums it up for the vast majority of people. You will be fine no matter what you decide- you just will be missing something no matter what you choose. |
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We're currently mulling over the idea of trying for a second one.
Plus we had more money and were more settled in our careers, etc.
