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Post by KikiPea on Jul 7, 2014 14:13:15 GMT
Not "OMG I don't ever want kids" and also not "Of course some day I want kids." Just - "Yeah, I could go either way, kids have their upsides but being childfree also has its upsides." This was totally us. We didn't want/not want kids. (When I was school aged, I REALLY wanted 2 kids and wanted them by the time I was 30.) We are enjoying life as it is w/o kids, but would have been okay with having them, if it happened. There never really was a decision made. There are many, many times where a situation has come up where we said we were glad we didn't have to worry about having them, but have also seen some situations where we think we are missing out. We have come to the conclusion that we like our lives the way they are now, although we all know that God has a sense of humor and since we are only 41/40, it could still happen! ETA: We'll be married 18 years in October.
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Post by Patter on Jul 7, 2014 14:29:11 GMT
Hubby and I never wanted kids. We enjoyed our jobs, traveling, being together, etc. We had our dog, and he was our baby. That's all we wanted. We even worked together at the same company and carpooled everyday. We loved it! Kids were never part of our picture. Then I turned 30 (married 6 years), and I thought that maybe we should have kids. Hubby and I discussed it, and we decided together that maybe we did want a kiddo. We only wanted one however. We have many, many twins in our family, and hubby said "We will have one baby and that's it." We both agreed on that. So, after only two months of trying, we got pregnant. Fast forward 15 weeks and we find out it was triplets. We cried, and it was a rough road. But we laugh at how God knew I wouldn't get pregnant again so He gave them to us all at once. Now fast forward 20 years, and it was the BEST decision we ever made!!!!!!!! We enjoyed just about EVERY moment of parenting these beautiful girls. We can't imagine our lives without them. And we both say we would start again with them if we could. We miss them now that they are in college. They are now beautiful young women that we are very proud to call our precious daughters.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jul 7, 2014 14:47:33 GMT
I like reading all these replies. Many good points and kudos for everyone's honesty on the subject. I guess you just never know until you have your own child/children. It isn't always easy. It was a challenge for us from the beginning because of what we went thru getting pregnant and pregnancy, it is not all rainbows and unicorns.
I couldn't wait to be a mom and I love my boys to the moon and back. That being said, it was nothing like I thought it would be - good and bad. I was a very full time nanny for many years and I thought it would be like that. But I wasn't thinking of the whole picture. Balancing a marriage, home ownership, bills and children is very hard. For me, the hardest thing I ever have done. My oldest son was a really easy baby but my second not so much. I has been a very hard 4 1/2 years. I am older (had him when I was 36) and I am just tired, like really tired and I constantly feel like I am being pulled in many directions. I feel like I do see the joy in the everyday unexpected moments and satisfaction in seeing my children grow and achieve milestones. It's an emotion that you feel firsthand being a parent.
Sometimes too I can't help but think what it would be like to be a mom at a younger age and if pregnancy was easier for me to have 3 children. Part of me feels like in another life, I could have been happy with no children, just being free spirit, moving often and travelling. BTW, I know it doesn't do me any good to think this.
My piece of advice is think of it beyond having a "baby". What is it going to be like when he/she is in grade school, with many other commitments (school projects that take up weekends, sports, getting together with friends, summer break, etc). The biggest thing I seem to hear people discuss is childcare issues before and after school and that the weekends fly by.
I think it is 100% okay to be happily single or married and not have children.
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Post by pmk on Jul 7, 2014 14:59:39 GMT
Both dh and I wanted children but didn't really have a timescale. As it turned out, I had fertility issues so it took a lot longer to fall pregnant than we thought. I'm not madly gushy about babies - I definitely felt better once I was through the newborn phase whereas I have friends who loved that tiny baby stage!
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pudgygroundhog
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,648
Location: The Grand Canyon
Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 7, 2014 15:01:48 GMT
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Post by happyOCgirl on Jul 7, 2014 15:10:33 GMT
As someone who doesn't have children, I have seen over and over again adults unable to fathom not having them. I love children and the idea of being a mom, but never felt I *had* to have them. Sometimes it is so hurtful and sometimes it is hilarious peoples' take on it. I believe there is tremendous pressure in our society to have children - the message being you won't be fulfilled if you don't. I think you'll be hard pressed to find people who admit maybe parenting is not the best thing that happened to them.
I am a teacher who has been told "you don't understand because you don't have children". Yes, this is 100% true...however, I've taught six year olds for 19 years and spend more time with their child than they typically do. I see amazing parents every year! I also see way too many that had children and say it's the best thing that happened to them - but their actions and how they treat their child tell a very different story.
If you are surrounded by either side, I think it makes your decision harder. I believe if you firmly feel 50/50 on this, then any decision you make is the right one!
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Post by ScrappyJac on Jul 7, 2014 15:10:45 GMT
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to share...but I did want to say you aren't in the boat alone. DH (32) & I (31) are firmly in the 50/50 category as well, with neither of us wavering. The tough part is that we don't want to have regrets either way and we can't predict the future. And I struggle with the fact that eventually time (and age) will make the decision for us. We have been married for 9 years and expected our "biological clocks" to start ticking at some point...no such luck yet.
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Post by AN on Jul 7, 2014 15:17:00 GMT
Holy crap, that column is perfect. I sent it to DH. Thanks, that is crazy - it is like we could have written it (albeit a bit younger). I really appreciate everyone's responses. They are quite helpful. I don't really have anything specific to respond with, since it is all just a mess of thoughts. For those that asked, DH and I have been married for a year and three months; dated for about 3 years before our wedding.
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 7, 2014 15:24:02 GMT
As someone who doesn't have children, I have seen over and over again adults unable to fathom not having them. I love children and the idea of being a mom, but never felt I *had* to have them. Sometimes it is so hurtful and sometimes it is hilarious peoples' take on it. I believe there is tremendous pressure in our society to have children - the message being you won't be fulfilled if you don't. I think you'll be hard pressed to find people who admit maybe parenting is not the best thing that happened to them. I am a teacher who has been told "you don't understand because you don't have children". Yes, this is 100% true...however, I've taught six year olds for 19 years and spend more time with their child than they typically do. I see amazing parents every year! I also see way too many that had children and say it's the best thing that happened to them - but their actions and how they treat their child tell a very different story. If you are surrounded by either side, I think it makes your decision harder. I believe if you firmly feel 50/50 on this, then any decision you make is the right one! This mirrors my own experience. We've been married 21 years and fairly early in our marriage we decided to remain childless. I remember it wasn't an easy decision. We were very fortunate that both of our parents supported our decision to not have children. We had very little pressure. I've been in education for 17 years; I love the elementary age children I work with each day and then I love the peace and tranquility of my home. It's just the life choice we made together and for us, it's been the right choice.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jul 7, 2014 15:26:13 GMT
I also see way too many that had children and say it's the best thing that happened to them - but their actions and how they treat their child tell a very different story.
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Post by shevy on Jul 7, 2014 15:29:25 GMT
Sometimes I think we get lost in what our 15 year old self wanted and we hang onto that, instead of embracing what is present in our lives currently. I wanted a huge family when I was a kid. I got married later in life. If we had kids it would be great, if not, that's ok also.
I think what his brother means is that if you are on the fence or not sold on the idea of kids, and you have a trying baby, you will have a harder time getting through that period. Not that you don't love a baby, but that it's hard enough when you're very much wanting it, let alone if it's an iffy thing.
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Laura
Full Member
Ruby Slippered Pea
Posts: 139
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:02 GMT
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Post by Laura on Jul 7, 2014 15:48:38 GMT
Dh and I married when I was 23 and he was 28. We didn't have any kids for the first four years of our marriage because we felt it was important to just be a couple first. We had some good times and created some good memories together. Around the 4th year we had bought our first house so I knew it was time to start thinking about having kids. Honestly by that time I loved just being the two of us and I really didn't want kids. I was very ambivalent about it. I knew I could go the rest of my life not having kids and it would be okay with me. My husband however, wanted kids. When we married we knew that children would be a part of our future together and I knew that I couldn't deny him the opportunity to have children so I decided to "leave it up to God" at that point. I went off bc in January and by May I was pregnant with our first. I was very nervous about having a baby (both the physical process of birth and the fear of if I would be a good mom or not) but once our son was born I never looked back. I love being a mom, I am a great mom and my kids tell me that. We had our second child four years later so now we have one boy and one girl and that was enough for dh and I. Now they are teenagers and dd is in high school and ds is in his second year of college. I would never change the decision to have children. Our kids have brought a level of richness (love) into our lives that we would never have been able to experience any other way. Having kids is so much fun if you can learn to be a kid again right along with them. You get to experience life all over through their lives. It is definitely the best thing that has ever happened in my life and I have no regrets.
One day not long ago my daughter asked me "Mom, what would you be without us kids?" and I responded, "Rich!" She huffed and rolled her eyes at my not so far from reality joke. Having kids does take a lot of money but the trade off in what they give back is so worth the sacrifice.
Good luck to you in your decision. If you do decide to have kids I am confident you won't regret your decision.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 7, 2014 15:52:52 GMT
I wasn't sure until my sister, a single mom, lived with me a while with her newborn. I fell in love with my niece. The process of having a baby in the house woke up my maternal feelings.
I'm like Gina-- not a fan of children, just because they're children. I have to get to know the child, or the child has to be one of those terribly likeable ones, for me to engage. That sounds awful, but it's true.
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Post by Sparki on Jul 7, 2014 15:59:19 GMT
In the beginning, I didn't care one way or another. I thought I would eventually, because that's what people did - they got married and had kids. My husband and I never really decided to have any. We fostered 4 kids for a few years, then after they grew up and moved out, we didn't get more. Then he got cancer and passed away. I feel torn - I kind of wish we had had a child, so I would still have part of him (I know, crazy) and in a way, I'm glad I didn't have that additional stress, on top of being a widow at 30. Now, I'm remarried to a man who has grown children, and grandchildren. He doesn't want any more children, and I am really used to the freedom of no kids. It wasn't a big decision I made to not have kids - it's just the way it worked out.
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Post by cynipidae17 on Jul 7, 2014 16:03:56 GMT
I always thought I would have kids (and by looking at my avatar I eventually did). It took me years to meet the right guy, which happened while I was working on my graduate degree. We didn't start truly dating until I had made the decision to stay where I was at for my PhD. We were already friends, we dated for a couple of years and set a wedding date. I was 28 when I walked down the aisle and we had decided that we both wanted children but we wanted to enjoy a year of together first.
Approximately a year later I stopped birth control and we waited and waited for a sign that I was pregnant. After a year and a half, I spoke with my doctor who referred me to a specialist. Over the next 5 years I went through every test and every method to get pregnant. While we were trying, my friends and family all had babies, each positive for them broke my heart a little. While I was happy for them, it was difficult not knowing if it would ever happen for us. I always told my husband I wished I had a time machine, so I would know if we had a happy future (whatever the result).
I was 35 when I had my first and 38 when I had my second. I like to joke that the first year of my second daughters life completely kicked our ass. If I had the opportunity right now to have another I would, but due to health issues when I was pregnant with my second we decided to stay a family of four.
While my story doesn't match yours, I guess I just want to remind you that if you decide to have a child it might not just happen, easily anyways. It took us 6 years and quite a bit of our own money on top of our insurance to make our happy ending.
I wish you the best of luck as you think about your future.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 7, 2014 16:30:57 GMT
At 27 DH and I tried for the first time. It didn't happen and we were kind of OK with that, and for the next seven years, it continued to not happen. We thought we would probably not have kids and although a bit sad, we were pretty content with our lives.
Then I got pg with a Beckett at 34 and he was born premature and we lost him. It was then we knew for sure we wanted children and we ended up with our twin boys.
I do not regret having them. I can't imagine life without them. They make me laugh, amaze me, entertain me, make me see the world in a different way and make me cry with their beauty and uniqueness. They also aggrevate me, make me want to run screaming away, worry me to my core, make my world much more complicated and make me cry in frustration and helplessness.
I bet you will be a good mom (if you choose to accept this mission), but I have one piece of advice for you based only on the person you have presented on 2peas: the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Pregnancies, babies, children....no matter how well planned, wanted, loved or parented don't always go as planned. I know you know this in theory, but good people lose pregnancies, have colicky babies, have children with special needs, have children who are strong-willed or extremely shy....even if you are not. I can go on and on about this, but just keep in mind that children change the dynamic considerably and they do not always fit perfectly in the life you imagine. It is easy to romanticize a future family, but that picture will change upon the arrival of an actual other human. It doesn't mean you won't do your best and love them more than life, but your child may or may not be a little AN or may be little AN who takes your biggest personality weaknesses x10.
Take it or leave it. Just my 2cents.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 11:25:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 16:54:30 GMT
I've been baby nuts since shortly after being a baby myself. I was around little ones in some shape or form my whole life. My husband was not. He was never around kids younger than himself until his late teens even, and that was very sporadic. When he met me, I was living with my "foster family" who had 5 kids, ranging in age from 1 to 13. It was truly a shock for him to spend time at their house with me.
We married at 23/25. I would have loved to have started having kids right away, though I thought waiting at least a year would be a good plan. After a year, I started talking about it. He was not ready. He wanted kids, eventually. Just not now. And we spent the next couple of years going back and forth about it. At one point, he had essentially agreed but then had second thoughts. I was crushed. To make it up to me, he agreed to us getting a 3rd dog instead. For me, it was a good, albeit temporary, compromise. And it gave him the extra time without the pressure. I was 27 when I had my daughter.
I once worked with a couple who were very much like you and your husband. They were enjoying the good life, both engineers making good money and were wise with it as well. They enjoyed the freedom this financial stability gave them and were really on the fence about kids. So they waited. After about 3 years, they finally decided it was time. And while they both adored their daughter they had the first time around, they both admitted to how shell shocked they were by the enormity of the change to their lifestyle. My friend was never a "baby" person so those initial few weeks, she was really second guessing her decision to have kids because to her, the baby was a boring blob. She admits that sounds just terrible to say, let alone hear. Thankfully for them all, as all babies do, their daughter became more interactive and "fun" along with the not-so-fun parts.
Only you and your dh can really know if this is the right thing for you. Some short term counseling for this very specific subject may be something to consider.
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Post by shutterspeedgirl on Jul 7, 2014 20:44:26 GMT
As someone who doesn't have children, I have seen over and over again adults unable to fathom not having them. I love children and the idea of being a mom, but never felt I *had* to have them. Sometimes it is so hurtful and sometimes it is hilarious peoples' take on it. I believe there is tremendous pressure in our society to have children - the message being you won't be fulfilled if you don't. I think you'll be hard pressed to find people who admit maybe parenting is not the best thing that happened to them. I am a teacher who has been told "you don't understand because you don't have children". Yes, this is 100% true...however, I've taught six year olds for 19 years and spend more time with their child than they typically do. I see amazing parents every year! I also see way too many that had children and say it's the best thing that happened to them - but their actions and how they treat their child tell a very different story. If you are surrounded by either side, I think it makes your decision harder. I believe if you firmly feel 50/50 on this, then any decision you make is the right one! This mirrors my own experience. We've been married 21 years and fairly early in our marriage we decided to remain childless. I remember it wasn't an easy decision. We were very fortunate that both of our parents supported our decision to not have children. We had very little pressure. I've been in education for 17 years; I love the elementary age children I work with each day and then I love the peace and tranquility of my home. It's just the life choice we made together and for us, it's been the right choice. I was going to quote happyOCgirl, but then I noticed tuesdaysgone already had. My experience is very similar to these two women. We married young, at 22, just as we finished college. At the time, we talked about it, but neither of us were too interested and figured "our 30s," which at 22 feels like decades away. Now, having just moved into our 40s, and still not too interested, my husband had a vasectomy. I too, am a teacher of young children and I often hear the same story happyOCgirl hears about not understanding. I may not understand what it is like to have a child/ren living IN my home, but that does't mean I don't like them or don't understand. I've just chosen not to have my own. I would add though, as an only child, there has been pressure for grandchildren, as well as a general lack of understanding of why we don't have children. This doesn't just come from family, but friends, coworkers, strangers, society, etc. This causes me a lot of grief, forces me to question myself and my choices and makes me wonder why I never had the desire or the urge. Don't tell me I'd be a good parent. I'm sure I would, but I don't WANT to be a parent and I've seen all too often, the parents that take that road because of some perception that society says we need to have children. Either way it is a tough decision. Now, at 40, I don't regret my choice, but I do still wonder/worry if one day I'll wake up full of regret. I think that may be true no matter which choice you make.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jul 7, 2014 21:27:33 GMT
I am not an overthinker. And I never experienced a ticking biological clock or a burning desire to have children. And of course, I can't really say, but I am pretty sure I would have been happy without a child. I'm just a pretty happy person in life, whatever the situation - and I've had lots of different life situations. I got pregnant at 34, and love my daughter more than my life. BUT, I have an amazing husband who is a huge support. I am an introvert and need time away, even from my daughter. If I didn't have time to myself, and often, I wouldn't make it as a parent. It was important to know that about myself. I am a fantastic mom, in a huge part, due to my husband. And my daughter is no drama, easy going to a fault, and completely easy to parent. So I got lucky. And I've never felt the desire to have a second.
I probably just made myself sound awful, but there is SO MUCH to this whole life decisions and parenting stuff. You can never really know, or be totally prepared, have the perfect timing, or have all angles covered beforehand. To me, the marriage is the big thing. If you work well together as a team, whatever you decide will be doable.
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