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Post by GroovySteph on Jul 8, 2014 13:29:00 GMT
Hi everyone. This is my first post here!!! My 22 year old stepson moved in with us about two months ago. He left a well paying job to move cross country to go back to school. I don't know if he's behaving like a typical 22 year old and I'm just being a jerk so I thought I would ask here.
The original plan was that he was going to move in and get a summer job and then when fall semester starts, he would work part time and attend school. He had no motivation to find a job once he arrived. Stays up all night playing video games and talking to friends back home, sleeps until noon, starts drinking mid afternoon. I got tired of this and started "helping" him find a job. Long story short, he found a job at a cell phone store. It lasted two days. He said it wasn't for him. Now he's back to the staying up all night, sleeping all day, drinking, etc. If that isn't enough, he smokes those e-cig/vapor type thing and now my house reeks of that smell. I know it is better than cigarettes but I was told he didn't smoke when he moved in.
It's driving me crazy!!! I unloaded on DH yesterday and told him that I can't stand to live like this. I have a 14 yo DS that worships the ground his brother walks on and I try to explain to him that "D" is just in a tough spot right now and we're trying to help him get on his feet. I don't want my DS to pick up on his brother's bad habits. My DS is turning into a computer game junkie thanks to "D" buying him games and asking him to play with him constantly.
I don't have any idea how to get this thing back on track. DH says that "D" is going to find another job but he is the laziest person I've ever known. He has absolutely no drive and seems content to live the way he is right now forever. As a joke, we bought him a Tervis cup that says "Living the Dream" on it. I guess this is part vent but I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to say anything to "D" because he's "sensitive" but we need to make changes. When I talk to DH, he just says he's working on it. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Post by llinin on Jul 8, 2014 13:39:20 GMT
E cigs really don't make your house reek, that seems like a petty vent.
I would immediately lay down a no drinking rule.
Maybe look at jobs on campus?
Tough spot, btdt, sorry! Good luck!
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Post by justkallie on Jul 8, 2014 13:42:43 GMT
Before he moved in, there should have been a little clearer understanding of the rules of the house and what you expected of your stepson. At this point, a sit down is certainly in order. You can make very clear your expectations and the consequences of not obeying by the rules.
1. No smoking in the house. Non-negotiable. If he wants to light up, he does so outside. If he continues, move his stuff out to the porch. He can sleep out there.
2, Change the password on your Wi-Fi and charge him for access.
3. Give him a list of chores he is expected to complete - bathrooms, dishes, etc. If he is not interested, then it is time to start charging him for rent. No such thing as a free ride, especially at 22 years of age.
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103 
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Post by Rainbow on Jul 8, 2014 13:45:07 GMT
Your DH should be the one taking care of this. If you step in it will most likely blow up in your face. If DH doesn't do anything, that is where the real problem is.
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Post by jennrs on Jul 8, 2014 13:49:52 GMT
At the very least he should be doing chores to contribute to the household (as someone else said above) and continue even after he finds a job. I'm sure you will get more detailed ideas here on how to handle his job search, but get him a list going and do it now. The longer you leave things the way the are the harder it will be to force change later. Good luck!
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Post by GroovySteph on Jul 8, 2014 13:50:33 GMT
The vapor thing he smokes certainly does smell. Scent depends on what he fills it with. He smokes outside but brings the smell in on his clothes. He's not good about doing laundry so it piles up in his room and that's where the smell comes from. The entire upstairs smells.
He's pretty good about putting his dishes in dishwasher and stuff like that but I did stop cleaning his bathroom yesterday and told him that it's his baby now;)
I really don't mind the added chores of another person in the house. It's more that he's not trying to improve himself. I want him to be more independent and act like an adult. It's like he wants to be a teenager again but have the benefits of being an adult. My greatest fear is that this turns into a permanent thing and 10 years from now we're doing the same thing!
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Post by GroovySteph on Jul 8, 2014 13:54:05 GMT
I absolutely leave it to DH to deal with "D". Yesterday's blow up came from a place of frustration. I feel helpless because I know it isn't my place to tell DS what to do with his life but at the same time, his actions/lack of actions affect all of us.
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Post by 1lear on Jul 8, 2014 13:58:04 GMT
I don't have much advice, except to agree with justkallie. Your DH needs to step up and have a talk with his son and start enforcing some rules. It's a tough spot for you to be in and you have my sympathy.
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Post by giatocj on Jul 8, 2014 13:59:05 GMT
I have to agree with another poster who said this is your DH's responsibility. You really need to get him on track to approach his son and lay down the rules...clearly and concisely. At 22 this kid really needs to be held accountable and it's your DH's job to see that he is, with your support, of course.
No one is doing him any favors by letting him slide...trust me, I speak from experience because I have a brother very much like him and it is beyond infuriating!!
Best of luck. I hope it will all work out for everyone involved.
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Post by GroovySteph on Jul 8, 2014 14:02:07 GMT
Thanks everyone. If nothing else, I know that I'm doing the right thing in letting my DH "handle" his son. I do love "D" and want what's best for him. I've been part of his life for 20 years. I'm all for helping him but I feel like this isn't going well for anyone.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Jul 8, 2014 14:25:28 GMT
Who is paying for his alcohol? His ecig refills? His cell phone? If you guys are picking up those expenses, I'd approach DH that this is the last month of the free ride and DSS needs to pick up his expenses starting in August.
I'd turn off the Internet access from 11pm to 6am and again when you leave for work, if you work outside the home. If you have to, disconnect the modem and take it with you in your work bag or put it in your underwear drawer.
I hate it when people being "sensitive" is used as a reason to not deal with a problem. So many times, that "sensitivity" is a form of manipulation. And, after years, the people dealing with the "sensitive" person no longer see that they have been played. It makes you look like an asshole when you stand up and make the "sensitive" person deal with reality rather than suffer through their manipulation any longer.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 8, 2014 14:30:11 GMT
E cigs really don't make your house reek, that seems like a petty vent. I would immediately lay down a no drinking rule. Maybe look at jobs on campus? Tough spot, btdt, sorry! Good luck! I completely disagree. They have a distinct, strong smell that I don't like. I can smell it when people are vaping *outside* so I can only imagine how much it reeks when doing it inside. Yuck. A no vaping in the house rule should start immediately. |
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Post by justkallie on Jul 8, 2014 14:35:01 GMT
Thanks everyone. If nothing else, I know that I'm doing the right thing in letting my DH "handle" his son. I do love "D" and want what's best for him. I've been part of his life for 20 years. I'm all for helping him but I feel like this isn't going well for anyone. I sort of disagree that it is your DH responsibility... Hear me out. The hard part of parenting in raising a boy to a man is over. Besides, if you have been in his life for 20 years, you have certainly earned the right to speak your mind, and at 22, this man (DSS) should be able to have an adult conversation about the rules of the home from either parent or both. You have as much say as to what is acceptable in your home and what is not, and in my opinion, after 20 years, you have earned the right to say it. Of course your DH should not have let it get to this point, but if he does not step in, then maybe there might need to be two parties at the round table discussion that certainly needs to be had! |
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Post by Pahina722 on Jul 8, 2014 14:44:10 GMT
Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, but I wouldn't have let him move in until school started. Why leave a good job several months early and lose that income?
While it is definitely your DH's problem to deal with, it is also your home that is being disrupted. So first, you need to have a calm discussion with DH about what will and won't be tolerated by anyone living in the house. I would start with no drinking or smoking in the house at all, no phone or internet usage after 10 pm, and a list of his housekeeping responsibilities. A 22-year-old should do all his own wash, clean his room and bathroom, have designated dinner duty days, and take care of the yard. DH also needs to give SS a firm date by which he must have a job. If SS doesn't do so, he either pays rent or moves out.
I moved home when I was 28, so I know how uncomfortable the situation can be as an adult living in a parent's home; however, I also was taking classes and working two jobs. My parents barely saw me and certainly had no complaints that I was treating their house like a hotel.
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swanie78
Junior Member
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Post by swanie78 on Jul 8, 2014 14:48:21 GMT
I could have written your post, only change it to a girl. *I* didn't live that irresponsibly when I was that age, but according to my boyfriend he did the same party lifestyle when he was her age. I think it's a copout so he doesn't piss her off  She moved here (on dad's dime) with a job but worked it for 4 hours, got really sick (she did get sick, strep 3 times in 5 weeks), and decided she didn't like the job and quit. IF she's home (if she's not home she's at her boyfriends) she hides out in her room unless it's meal time or she comes out to smoke. She sleeps til 11 and then either stays in her room or takes off. She's charging cigs to her credit card because dad won't support the habit, except he's paying all her bills and putting gas in her car. She has two job interviews today!! Hopefully one or both pan out  That said....I love having her here! She's fun and quirky and brings life to the house when we see her It wasn't "normal" when I was that age, but I think it is part of the entitlement that the younger generations feel. (In addition to her moving in, we also got my boyfriends parents a couple months ago because of their financial reasons. And his mom is driving me INSANE LOL) Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Post by mellyw on Jul 8, 2014 15:07:41 GMT
While I think your DH should have the initial talk with Stepson, you are part of his life, I see no reason you shouldn't be involved if that talk doesn't get the ball rolling.
And the e-cig thing, oh hell no. I'm fairly easy going, but probably would have blown a gasket over that one. Myshelly has it right, I can smell those things, and while better than cig's, still gross.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 8, 2014 15:14:55 GMT
Thanks everyone. If nothing else, I know that I'm doing the right thing in letting my DH "handle" his son. I do love "D" and want what's best for him. I've been part of his life for 20 years. I'm all for helping him but I feel like this isn't going well for anyone. I sort of disagree that it is your DH responsibility... Hear me out. The hard part of parenting in raising a boy to a man is over. Besides, if you have been in his life for 20 years, you have certainly earned the right to speak your mind, and at 22, this man (DSS) should be able to have an adult conversation about the rules of the home from either parent or both. You have as much say as to what is acceptable in your home and what is not, and in my opinion, after 20 years, you have earned the right to say it. Of course your DH should not have let it get to this point, but if he does not step in, then maybe there might need to be two parties at the round table discussion that certainly needs to be had! I'll back you up on this and add that I totally disagree that it's dh's responsibility to handle him! This isn't a child that you are dealing with it, it's an adult and he's living in YOUR home. You have the right to say what goes on in your home and should be able to address it. My suggestion would be to decide on some house rules (with dh) and then both of you sit down with him and discuss them. I have a just turned 24 yo living at home along who had different ideas of what was acceptable than I did. We also have a 14 yo dd, 17 yo ds living at home who see what she does. A couple years ago we had the conversation about this with her and told her essentially you live here, you live by my rules. Otherwise feel free to find a place where you can live like you want. She figured out pretty quickly if she wanted to be here, she better be here quietly! It's your house, if he wants to live there he should abide by your wishes. |
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 8, 2014 15:18:41 GMT
"My suggestion would be to decide on some house rules (with dh) and then both of you sit down with him and discuss them."
I totally agree with this. I would add what the consequences of not following those rules will be. Then enforce the rules.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
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Post by freebird on Jul 8, 2014 15:22:04 GMT
I understand your frustration. My 26yo SS moved in with us almost a year ago. He has mental health and depression issues so it's just .... a lot. He also has issues with taking care of things we ask him to do, keeping a full time job, etc. I attribute some of this to his depression, and some of it with being "comfortable". I laid down the law the other day and told him that a life decision had to be made. He had to have a plan. Even if it was the wrong plan, it needed to be his plan and he needed to do it. No more bullshit. We're having the discussion tonight to see what "the plan" is. So.... Yes your husband should handle the brunt of things but you should be a united front together. Sit with your husband and come up with a plan then approach the SS and lay it out. He can either follow the rules, or he can move elsewhere. Those are his choices. You just have to get your husband to think that it was his idea. |
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 18:25:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 15:28:38 GMT
Yeah, well, "sensitive" these days is just another way of saying "I don't want to hear what you're saying." No employer is going to fall for that, so it's not helpful if the adults continue to coddle him. Moving on.
You and DH (because you both live there - so hopefully you would get on the same page and approach this together. If not, well, you live there too and have a right to step in, IMO.) now have a non-paying tenant (with no written lease agreement) living in your home. As you describe it, he's broken all of the original deals with you (e.g.. not getting a summer job) and he's got some other behaviors that you do not find acceptable and which were likely not addressed in the original (albeit oral) agreement.
I think the 3 of you sit down, come to terms, and move forward - or he moves out. Like now. He is clearly capable of taking care of himself, when he wants to.
It's really no more complicated that that; the rest is drama, usually just to divert from the real issues.
ETA: I'm coming from a place of 'tough love' as it's too easy for us all to roll in our own tough emotional stuff, and I usually appreciate advice which lays it out in black & white. If you're not one of those people, well, hey, I meant no harm & just ignore me.
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Post by cropaholicnora on Jul 8, 2014 15:56:06 GMT
It is important to establish firm, reasonable boundaries especially since you have a younger son who is going to idealize his older brother's behavior. This young man needs to follow the house rules and act like the adult he is. Best of luck resolving this.
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 18:25:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 15:56:28 GMT
I feel for you, as we have our 22 year old niece living with us (for about 6 weeks now) It's awful! She can't keep a job, drinks a lot, has no high school diploma or drivers license. We are making her take GED classes, but she is a miserable person to be around. I feel bad saying I've had enough and just want her out.
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Post by GroovySteph on Jul 8, 2014 16:14:41 GMT
Thanks everyone for your replies. I especially loved the ones from people going through the same thing. Misery loves company - lol!
Ding, ding! Freebird hit it right on the head with this - "I understand your frustration. My 26yo SS moved in with us almost a year ago. He has mental health and depression issues so it's just .... a lot. He also has issues with taking care of things we ask him to do, keeping a full time job, etc. I attribute some of this to his depression, and some of it with being "comfortable"."
We are dealing with some mental health issues. He's attempted suicide before and that's part of why he's here. He moved so far before when school started because his apartment lease was up in May and he didn't want to sign a new lease. He also wasn't working - he was out on medical leave due to mental health issues.
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 18:25:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 17:07:15 GMT
Well, if he's dealing with mental health/depression/suicide issues, you and DH already know that all alcohol needs to be out of the house asap! Don't let his issues hold you hostage, though; he can help himself and be helped without that. My previous advice still stands.
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Post by justkallie on Jul 8, 2014 17:09:16 GMT
Thanks everyone for your replies. I especially loved the ones from people going through the same thing. Misery loves company - lol! Ding, ding! Freebird hit it right on the head with this - "I understand your frustration. My 26yo SS moved in with us almost a year ago. He has mental health and depression issues so it's just .... a lot. He also has issues with taking care of things we ask him to do, keeping a full time job, etc. I attribute some of this to his depression, and some of it with being "comfortable"." We are dealing with some mental health issues. He's attempted suicide before and that's part of why he's here. He moved so far before when school started because his apartment lease was up in May and he didn't want to sign a new lease. He also wasn't working - he was out on medical leave due to mental health issues. Well, that would certainly double down on the no smoking and no drinking. I would raise a "you need to prove to me you are under doctor's care" while under your roof... I have witness some pretty severe mental issues, and I will say increased drinking can be a form of self treatment - or a harmful habit that can make depression worse. In either case, red flags are waving... In any case, if he has never lived with you for an extended period of time, I would look to talk to people who have had an adult move in with these issues and make sure you are prepared for what may come. If you have lived with him before, you know what you are dealing with, but don't allow him to use his condition as an excuse. |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 8, 2014 18:12:09 GMT
E cigs really don't make your house reek, that seems like a petty vent. I would immediately lay down a no drinking rule. Maybe look at jobs on campus? Tough spot, btdt, sorry! Good luck! If she says that they smell you should not be telling her otherwise! To someone who does not smoke, cap, or have other smelly things in a home (candles, scented wax, etc). ANY SCENT can be overwhelming!!!! Our neighbors 2 houses down smoke and I can smell it in my house! |
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She moved here (on dad's dime) with a job but worked it for 4 hours, got really sick (she did get sick, strep 3 times in 5 weeks), and decided she didn't like the job and quit.
