grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 15:40:40 GMT
I think I can finally put this issue to bed. And rather than bring that bloody long thread back up to the top, I am starting a new one to thank those who weighed in.
For the update: we talked about this morning (actually we texted since we're in different cities) and he asked my thoughts about the church ceremony and I brought up two points: a) travel time (it's an hour between the place we booked and the "family" church) and that we have to cancel the venue we have booked because it's a waste of time and rude to the guests to make them travel that far; and b) that I just don't think church reflects who we are as a partnership and I think that it is extremely important to define that right off the bat. He asked if I had contacted the officiant a dear friend recommended (yes, just waiting on a reply) and if I had any problems explaining it to his family at the upcoming family event(nope, not a single one. I actually invite the conversation as a chance to clear the air) and so that's that.
I just want to take the time to once again thank everyone who chimed in on that extremely long thread with their insights, stories, opinions and advice. It was really helpful to me and helped me shape my own feelings but also get an idea of the other side. So a very very big THANK YOU to all of you. It was very very helpful to hear from others. The peas really do know everything and it's what makes this diverse community awesome!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 15:54:45 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2015 15:44:04 GMT
I don't know how I missed the other thread, but glad your issue has been resolved my friend!  |
|
tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,870 
|
Post by tracylynn on Mar 4, 2015 15:46:00 GMT
I'm glad that you both are on the same page!
|
|
Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
|
Post by Anita on Mar 4, 2015 15:47:43 GMT
Yay! You sound relieved! I'm happy you figured it all out. |
|
|
|
Post by liya on Mar 4, 2015 15:53:04 GMT
I am happy for you  |
|
|
|
Post by eebud on Mar 4, 2015 15:59:06 GMT
I saw the other thread but I don't think I weighed in on it. There were plenty of responses that said what I would have said. LOL Glad it is settled and I hope the conversation with his family goes smooth. Also, I am happy for your guests that they will not have to drive an hour between venues.
|
|
|
|
Post by SabrinaM on Mar 4, 2015 16:04:56 GMT
I'm glad you're getting this worked out. A couple of questions/thoughts to ponder: How does he *truly* feel about the issue of you having a non-religious home? I know his family is Catholic. How important is his Catholic faith to HIM? Will they try to put a wedge between you and DH? Will he stand with you on your decision or make you fight the battle alone? The reason I ask is that the last thing you want is to be the "bad guy" if you have children but aren't fully invested in raising them in their church/faith. I guess what I want to say is, the wedding and the details of who officiates and where it's held are temporary. How the two of you live your lives is forever. |
|
janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,174
Location: Alabama
|
Post by janeinbama on Mar 4, 2015 16:15:53 GMT
Speaking as a Mom of married children and a lifelong practicing Catholic, if being Catholic were truly important to him, he would be a practicing Catholic. Many are religious, be it Catholic, Jewish,
Protestant by tradition rather than actively practicing their faith.
As an engaged couple it is important for both of you to be on the same page and it sounds like you are. Good Luck with your plans.
|
|
|
|
Post by ~Zoey~ on Mar 4, 2015 16:16:08 GMT
I'm glad you were able to work it out with your FH. I, too, hope your talk with his family goes well and that this can be put to bed once and for all. SabrinaM brings up some great points and I hope those can be addressed so perhaps going forward you won't have to face these discussions over and over.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 16:27:07 GMT
I'm glad you're getting this worked out. A couple of questions/thoughts to ponder: How does he *truly* feel about the issue of you having a non-religious home? I know his family is Catholic. How important is his Catholic faith to HIM? Will they try to put a wedge between you and DH? Will he stand with you on your decision or make you fight the battle alone? The reason I ask is that the last thing you want is to be the "bad guy" if you have children but aren't fully invested in raising them in their church/faith. I guess what I want to say is, the wedding and the details of who officiates and where it's held are temporary. How the two of you live your lives is forever. Good questions. Every time religion has come up (mostly being cornered by his family about why he's not going to church) he's said that he'll go when they pay him (ie: to work only). It's only with this that he's said anything about going if he had the time, something he's never said previously or acted on. I called him on that and he didn't really have an answer. I would think that if it was a big issue it would have been dealt with previously and he would be attending when he can. If we have kids and he wants them to be Catholic, I won't stop it, but I feel that it will have to be his responsibility to get it done and live by it. The only kids in the family that I know go only because their mother (father is an atheist like me) makes them go and feels responsible for their spirituality. I would encourage spirituality in my children, but would prefer to not foist a religion on them and let them choose something on their own (I'd help them explore different beliefs to find what suits them). I really feel this is a lot of "status quo" and what the family wants to happen instead of doing what is right. And if it becomes an issue, then we'll work through it. But I do understand what you're saying. Speaking as a Mom of married children and a lifelong practicing Catholic, if being Catholic were truly important to him, he would be a practicing Catholic. Many are religious, be it Catholic, Jewish, Protestant by tradition rather than actively practicing their faith. As an engaged couple it is important for both of you to be on the same page and it sounds like you are. Good Luck with your plans. That's exactly what I think. If it was so important, he'd be a part of the church more often than he is. He'd be participating in the groups, attending mass other than when family events happen. And it would have been brought up a lot sooner than this. This is why I think it's more stopping the blustering from his family than anything else. |
|
pudgygroundhog
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,643
Location: The Grand Canyon
|
Post by pudgygroundhog on Mar 4, 2015 16:29:45 GMT
I'm glad you're getting this worked out. A couple of questions/thoughts to ponder: How does he *truly* feel about the issue of you having a non-religious home? I know his family is Catholic. How important is his Catholic faith to HIM? Will they try to put a wedge between you and DH? Will he stand with you on your decision or make you fight the battle alone? The reason I ask is that the last thing you want is to be the "bad guy" if you have children but aren't fully invested in raising them in their church/faith. I guess what I want to say is, the wedding and the details of who officiates and where it's held are temporary. How the two of you live your lives is forever. I grew up in a home where my Dad was Catholic and my mom was not religious at all. I was raised Catholic and went to church every week with my Dad, attended CCD, etc. My mom went to church I think three times (when I was baptized, First Communion, and confirmed). At the time I never gave it a second thought because that's just how it was, but I can see now as an adult that it's not exactly the norm. Although it was an unusual arrangement (especially for a small rural town in the midwest), it worked fine for us. (My Dad is still Catholic, although I am now atheist) |
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 16:38:55 GMT
And on a related note, this is in the running for my reading (we'll each choose one, his will probably be a Catholic reading): It's a kid's book that I just stumbled upon. It makes me laugh and it puts dinosaurs in to the wedding... what could be more funny! The cover of the book is cute too! |
|
anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,551
|
Post by anniebeth24 on Mar 4, 2015 17:32:28 GMT
Glad you're coming to some conclusions about the wedding ceremony. I have to say, though, that if you're serious about the dinosaur reading (and I really can't tell if you are, so forgive me if it's a joke), it might produce more issues. Having a Catholic reading alongside something so silly (though sweet) would overtly emphasize the difference between the two readings and the differences between you and his family. I think that it might come across as disrespectful to those who truly believe that faith and solemnity are part of a marriage ceremony and in turn, they might not respect you.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 17:40:43 GMT
Glad you're coming to some conclusions about the wedding ceremony. I have to say, though, that if you're serious about the dinosaur reading (and I really can't tell if you are, so forgive me if it's a joke), it might produce more issues. Having a Catholic reading alongside something so silly (though sweet) would overtly emphasize the difference between the two readings and the differences between you and his family. I think that it might come across as disrespectful to those who truly believe that faith and solemnity are part of a marriage ceremony and in turn, they might not respect you. Really? I think the story's cute. But I suppose it could drag that stuff up. I'm not sure I care though or if anyone would go there. It's not a slam at the church. It's a cute, not sappy, not sticky sweet book. I'd feel the same way if it was monkeys or ostriches or goldfish. I have other ideas too but that is my current favourite. |
|
cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,444
Location: Fergus, Ontario
|
Post by cakediva on Mar 4, 2015 18:08:11 GMT
Yay - I'm so glad you have a good outcome to all of this.
And I love the Dinosaur story. It is funny, but oh so sweet at the same time.
Kind of puts me in mind of something Phoebe on Friends would have had at her wedding to Mike! LOL
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 15:54:45 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2015 18:24:38 GMT
I think I can finally put this issue to bed. And rather than bring that bloody long thread back up to the top, I am starting a new one to thank those who weighed in. For the update: we talked about this morning (actually we texted since we're in different cities) and he asked my thoughts about the church ceremony and I brought up two points: a) travel time (it's an hour between the place we booked and the "family" church) and that we have to cancel the venue we have booked because it's a waste of time and rude to the guests to make them travel that far; and b) that I just don't think church reflects who we are as a partnership and I think that it is extremely important to define that right off the bat. He asked if I had contacted the officiant a dear friend recommended (yes, just waiting on a reply) and if I had any problems explaining it to his family at the upcoming family event(nope, not a single one. I actually invite the conversation as a chance to clear the air) and so that's that. I just want to take the time to once again thank everyone who chimed in on that extremely long thread with their insights, stories, opinions and advice. It was really helpful to me and helped me shape my own feelings but also get an idea of the other side. So a very very big THANK YOU to all of you. It was very very helpful to hear from others. The peas really do know everything and it's what makes this diverse community awesome! may your wedding go off smoothly with this having been the only hiccup...for what it's worth, you seem to have handled this very well. |
|
|
|
Post by Meri-Lyn on Mar 4, 2015 18:31:50 GMT
Oh, I love the dinosaur story, it's, well, you. (Well, from what I know of you on here.) I think it's absolutely adorable. I'm going to bookmark it. Our officiant (a notary) read this poem. The Art of Marriage It might be a little on the traditional side, but it's non-religious, and worked for our ceremony. (Well, between that and the Barry White lyrics, LOL!) We actually have it framed in our house. I'm feeling a little maudlin/nostalgic today, today's the 20th anniversary of our first date. Wishing you the best! |
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 18:40:04 GMT
Oh, I love the dinosaur story, it's, well, you. (Well, from what I know of you on here.) I think it's absolutely adorable. I'm going to bookmark it. Our officiant (a notary) read this poem. The Art of Marriage It might be a little on the traditional side, but it's non-religious, and worked for our ceremony. (Well, between that and the Barry White lyrics, LOL!) We actually have it framed in our house. I'm feeling a little maudlin/nostalgic today, today's the 20th anniversary of our first date. Wishing you the best! I actually really like that poem. If we didn't use it for a reading, I could see using it on the family wedding photo display. Thanks! And congratulations on your first date. |
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 18:41:11 GMT
I think I can finally put this issue to bed. And rather than bring that bloody long thread back up to the top, I am starting a new one to thank those who weighed in. For the update: we talked about this morning (actually we texted since we're in different cities) and he asked my thoughts about the church ceremony and I brought up two points: a) travel time (it's an hour between the place we booked and the "family" church) and that we have to cancel the venue we have booked because it's a waste of time and rude to the guests to make them travel that far; and b) that I just don't think church reflects who we are as a partnership and I think that it is extremely important to define that right off the bat. He asked if I had contacted the officiant a dear friend recommended (yes, just waiting on a reply) and if I had any problems explaining it to his family at the upcoming family event(nope, not a single one. I actually invite the conversation as a chance to clear the air) and so that's that. I just want to take the time to once again thank everyone who chimed in on that extremely long thread with their insights, stories, opinions and advice. It was really helpful to me and helped me shape my own feelings but also get an idea of the other side. So a very very big THANK YOU to all of you. It was very very helpful to hear from others. The peas really do know everything and it's what makes this diverse community awesome! may your wedding go off smoothly with this having been the only hiccup...for what it's worth, you seem to have handled this very well. Thanks! I'm a little weary because of it, but I'm okay with it right now. I think we're going to hash out a rough draft of the ceremony tonight. |
|
|
|
Post by pelirroja on Mar 4, 2015 18:47:23 GMT
So glad to hear your news: I knew you would find a way to work this all out.
FWIW, I was raised by an Episcopalian father and an agnostic mother. It can be negotiated successfully: my parents are living proof. I attended Sunday service with Dad while Mom stayed home. Mom let me be baptized and confirmed, as it was important to my Dad and his family. My paternal grandmother bought me a garnet and gold cross necklace: I wore it proudly and Mom was OK with me wearing it. When my grandparents (Mom's parents) died, we had a graveside service (no church). When I got married, the wedding vows were exchanged right before the reception: we were outside and went inside the restaurant for a sit-down dinner (no church). When my Dad's mom passed away, we had a small church service with a pizza party afterwards (Mom loved that party). Mom attended my kids' baptisms in the church. There are ways of showing respect and tolerance towards different beliefs without actually being forced into participation against your will or committing an act of hypocrisy. My mom does not denigrate or criticize my choice to have faith and she has been a good sounding board when I question or am unsure. No judgement from either of us towards each other. I don't follow her way and she doesn't follow mine but it's just different, that's all.
One thing I know about you GC, is that you will find a solution with much thought and consideration and without giving up part of yourself to honor others wishes. If anyone can successfully navigate and negogiate and resolve this, it will be you. I'm wishing you and your FH the very best as you have that difficult conversation with his family. You'll do just fine.
|
|
|
|
Post by cbet on Mar 4, 2015 19:17:14 GMT
Ohhh, I love the dinosaur story as a reading! Much better than my niece's wedding this past fall, where one of the (Catholic-church approved!) readings from the Bible started with "My lover comes to me" and put a picture of Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch from the hot tub skit on Saturday Night Live and I was having serious troubles not cracking up in the middle of this solemn occasion.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Mar 4, 2015 19:32:44 GMT
So glad to hear your news: I knew you would find a way to work this all out. FWIW, I was raised by an Episcopalian father and an agnostic mother. It can be negotiated successfully: my parents are living proof. I attended Sunday service with Dad while Mom stayed home. Mom let me be baptized and confirmed, as it was important to my Dad and his family. My paternal grandmother bought me a garnet and gold cross necklace: I wore it proudly and Mom was OK with me wearing it. When my grandparents (Mom's parents) died, we had a graveside service (no church). When I got married, the wedding vows were exchanged right before the reception: we were outside and went inside the restaurant for a sit-down dinner (no church). When my Dad's mom passed away, we had a small church service with a pizza party afterwards (Mom loved that party). Mom attended my kids' baptisms in the church. There are ways of showing respect and tolerance towards different beliefs without actually being forced into participation against your will or committing an act of hypocrisy. My mom does not denigrate or criticize my choice to have faith and she has been a good sounding board when I question or am unsure. No judgement from either of us towards each other. I don't follow her way and she doesn't follow mine but it's just different, that's all. One thing I know about you GC, is that you will find a solution with much thought and consideration and without giving up part of yourself to honor others wishes. If anyone can successfully navigate and negogiate and resolve this, it will be you. I'm wishing you and your FH the very best as you have that difficult conversation with his family. You'll do just fine. That's essentially how I envision things going if kids come along. I know it's worked before and could work again. And thank you so much. Ohhh, I love the dinosaur story as a reading! Much better than my niece's wedding this past fall, where one of the (Catholic-church approved!) readings from the Bible started with "My lover comes to me" and put a picture of Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch from the hot tub skit on Saturday Night Live and I was having serious troubles not cracking up in the middle of this solemn occasion. Oh my! That would be funny! Extremely funny. I'm giggling now. And thanks! |
|
