rangerover
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Post by rangerover on Mar 28, 2015 18:07:41 GMT
I've got three teens - a 9th grade son, 14yo, 11th and 12th grade girls, 17 & 18. I've been a single parent for about 7 years. Their dad loves them, calls them, but sees them for dinner once a month max (his choice). They love him and while they see his flaws, they think he's great. All my kids are zero drama with school/friends. We have never had any issues of any sort. Every adult loves my kids as they speak well and are courteous to them. My oldest daughter is easy and has always been. She is quiet and thoughtful and kind. She appreciates what I do for her and she sees what her dad is (removed from the world), but she loves him dearly. She's off to college in the fall. My next oldest daughter had some ugly teen years, but she is a breath of sunshine and always happy. She has a short attention span for most things. She gets mad, then she's fine the next day. I see a light at the end of the teen tunnel with her, even though sometimes I cannot understand her at all. My son  He was wonderful until about 1 year ago. He's never had a lot of friends, but he has a couple with whom he is very close. He plays sports and is pretty good at them. He is very smart. He is also black and white. I know a lot of boys are like that, but he is extreme. He will not apologize, and he never believes he is wrong. Long story short, some months ago he got outrageously angry when I asked him to take a shower - because I asked once and reminded twice in a 2-hr evening period, nothing else - and he moved in with his dad. His dad couldn't handle having someone there, so I took him back (happily). He blames me for that, for our divorce, and pretty much for everything. My ex has told him the divorce was his decision, he couldn't keep my son with him, etc., but son thinks I'm forcing dad to say that. I took him to see a psychologist who dealt with kids like him, but my son refuses to go anymore. Honestly, it didn't seem to help much because my son answered the psych with whatever the "right" answer was. My son also sounds and acts extremely mature (except with me) and he sounds reasonable when he talks. For example, we have had two fights - the shower argument and picking up his room. These arguments occurred two months apart, but my son feels they are indicative of everything wrong in our relationship. At the advice of the psych, I stopped telling him to shower and trust me, the girls and I SUFFER. I thought since January we had come to a detente, so to speak. He plays his computer games incessantly and I pretty much leave him alone. I hate it. He'll eat dinner with us, but on the weekends is locked away. I won't allow him the computer in his bedroom and he is so angry about that and tells me every day I need to change my mind (but I nag him when I ask him ONCE anything!). I have taken the computer away from him but he will never apologize and is so black with anger for WEEKS I don't know what to do. This cannot be normal!! I am honestly devastated. The teachers at his school tell me how great he is - they gush and I SEE that he's good, but when he turns to me, the hatred shines in his eyes. I don't yell ever, I don't get angry or mad (I do have a don't-give-me-sh!t tone) and I never say anything to him more than twice. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and I'm miserable. He never said one mean thing to me before, but in the past weeks he's said many mean things. I want to bring him back to the psychologist, but I have no idea how to get him there. He is twice my size. I can take away things until I'm blue in the face, but he won't give him. I need help. I am so sad and so upset and I do not know what to do. If any of you has had a kid like this and this kid has turned out well, please give me hope. Please. |
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Post by olbrwneyedgirl on Mar 28, 2015 19:44:26 GMT
Oh gosh, didn't want to read and run. I don't have older kids, so I'm not even to where you are...let alone survived it! It sounds like you're not going to get him back to the psychologist. Maybe you could find a therapist for yourself? Or minimally, survey a bunch of mom's of teenage boys and see if you find any commiseration there.  Our adolescent girls definitely get moody. Maybe it's just the same, but different, for the guys? I wish you the best of luck. |
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Post by ljs1691 on Mar 28, 2015 19:46:50 GMT
I could have written everything you said about your son. My ds's dad and I divorced when he was a month old so every other weekend visits are all he has ever known of his dad. I can't tell you when the problems started exactly but it was around 13 ish. It was like he had NO respect for me whatsoever. He is now almost 18 and is in Germany for his senior year of high school. I will tell you, I have never seen him as happy as he is now. He still has disrespectful moments toward me but the physical distance between us has been great for the emotional distance.
My ds also spent way too much time on the computer. There were a few weeks it was down while he was rebuilding it and it was as if the loving son I had before the computer had come back temporarily. He doesn't have his computer in Germany so I hope when he returns in July, maybe he will see being in the real world is way more fun than hibernating in his room alone.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I will tell you, this is more common with teenage boys than you would think. You are not alone. I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:09:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2015 19:49:08 GMT
Sorry, I'm waiting for it to happen.
All I can suggest if a therapist. I hope it turns around for you. Hugs...it stinks sometimes being a mom.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Mar 28, 2015 20:09:25 GMT
My first thought was can he live with a grandfather or uncle and get some tough love from an adult male? I think sometimes a change of location may be what is needed, but he needs to be with someone that will teach him respect for authority, no matter who it comes from. He is going through something, best of luck and prayers going your way.
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Post by Linda on Mar 28, 2015 20:53:26 GMT
Depression in boys/men often manifests as anger/rage rather than the stereotypical symptoms that we tend to associate with depression. I know he saw a psychologist but I would consider seeing a psychiatrist and specifically asking about depression as a possibility - he certainly has risk factors for it (divorce, moving in with/rejected by Dad...). If you can't get him into a psychiatrist, call his GP or Paediatrician and be candid about what's going on and his refusal to be seen and ask for help.
We ended up with police involvement and the very real threat of being Baker Acted (involuntary 72-hr hold) - the police made it clear to him and to us that they only did one 'free' call - after that if they were called, he would taken into custody and transported to a mental health hospital for evaluation and the 72hr hold. That's what it took HERE for him to take things seriously and cooperate with the psychiatrist/therapist - cooperation included medication (anti-depressives) in his case. He's an adult now and a man that I've very proud of but 12/13 was very very hard for all of us.
Prayers
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Post by nyxish on Mar 28, 2015 21:36:29 GMT
Is it something you could ask - or even maybe insist - that his dad get more involved? So sad that dad "couldn't handle" him being there, but maybe it's time he took a turn and really stepped up? Otherwise ....could you approach him with boarding school or semester away options with him for a change to location and maybe a change of perspective - ie " DS, i hope you know without a doubt that i love you and i want you to be here, but it seems very clear you are unhappy living here. Would you be interested in trying one of these options? I don't want you to go, but would that make you happier?" i'm obviously no mental health professional, but could it be that he can't face the lack of dad/being rejected by dad so it's easier to just blame you, who at least somewhere in him he knows won't give up on him, even if he treats you badly? Mostly, i'm just really sorry. That sucks a lot. |
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Mar 28, 2015 22:29:49 GMT
I've got three teens - a 9th grade son, 14yo, 11th and 12th grade girls, 17 & 18. I've been a single parent for about 7 years. Their dad loves them, calls them, but sees them for dinner once a month max (his choice). They love him and while they see his flaws, they think he's great. All my kids are zero drama with school/friends. We have never had any issues of any sort. Every adult loves my kids as they speak well and are courteous to them. My oldest daughter is easy and has always been. She is quiet and thoughtful and kind. She appreciates what I do for her and she sees what her dad is (removed from the world), but she loves him dearly. She's off to college in the fall. My next oldest daughter had some ugly teen years, but she is a breath of sunshine and always happy. She has a short attention span for most things. She gets mad, then she's fine the next day. I see a light at the end of the teen tunnel with her, even though sometimes I cannot understand her at all. My son He was wonderful until about 1 year ago. He's never had a lot of friends, but he has a couple with whom he is very close. He plays sports and is pretty good at them. He is very smart. He is also black and white. I know a lot of boys are like that, but he is extreme. He will not apologize, and he never believes he is wrong. Long story short, some months ago he got outrageously angry when I asked him to take a shower - because I asked once and reminded twice in a 2-hr evening period, nothing else - and he moved in with his dad. His dad couldn't handle having someone there, so I took him back (happily). He blames me for that, for our divorce, and pretty much for everything. My ex has told him the divorce was his decision, he couldn't keep my son with him, etc., but son thinks I'm forcing dad to say that. I took him to see a psychologist who dealt with kids like him, but my son refuses to go anymore. Honestly, it didn't seem to help much because my son answered the psych with whatever the "right" answer was. My son also sounds and acts extremely mature (except with me) and he sounds reasonable when he talks. For example, we have had two fights - the shower argument and picking up his room. These arguments occurred two months apart, but my son feels they are indicative of everything wrong in our relationship. At the advice of the psych, I stopped telling him to shower and trust me, the girls and I SUFFER. I thought since January we had come to a detente, so to speak. He plays his computer games incessantly and I pretty much leave him alone. I hate it. He'll eat dinner with us, but on the weekends is locked away. I won't allow him the computer in his bedroom and he is so angry about that and tells me every day I need to change my mind (but I nag him when I ask him ONCE anything!). I have taken the computer away from him but he will never apologize and is so black with anger for WEEKS I don't know what to do. This cannot be normal!! I am honestly devastated. The teachers at his school tell me how great he is - they gush and I SEE that he's good, but when he turns to me, the hatred shines in his eyes. I don't yell ever, I don't get angry or mad (I do have a don't-give-me-sh!t tone) and I never say anything to him more than twice. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and I'm miserable. He never said one mean thing to me before, but in the past weeks he's said many mean things. I want to bring him back to the psychologist, but I have no idea how to get him there. He is twice my size. I can take away things until I'm blue in the face, but he won't give him. I need help. I am so sad and so upset and I do not know what to do. If any of you has had a kid like this and this kid has turned out well, please give me hope. Please. I do think it happens that a child blanes the custodial parent for the fact that they don't get to see their other parent as often as they want. He is now a young teenager at a time when a boy really needs a father. And he blames you. If he won't see a counselor, perhaps it would help if you did. A family counselor might be best. The effects of a divorce on children linger for a very long time. Many parents believe that because they have adjusted and moved on after seven years even that the child has adjusted. And this is not necessarily so. I am sorry that you were still being blamed for something that is not totally within your control. |
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Mar 28, 2015 23:08:48 GMT
IMO he is lashing out at you because he feels safe with you. He misses his dad but is angry with his father but obviously isn't secure enough with his love that he will take it out on him. After all, his father chooses to see him once a month and removed him from his home when he moved in. While his father might be saying the divorce was his idea, he may be inferring that he is only saying that to keep the peace with you.
I think he will come around eventually but I would make rules that he has to follow like everyone else. Mandatory showering at least every other day, room cleaning when you feel it is necessary, speaking politely, etc. Will he be angry? Certainly but he is angry anyway.
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Post by mikklynn on Mar 28, 2015 23:13:44 GMT
I really like what tincin had to say above. I have no advice, just sending lots of virtual support and validation of your feelings. You sound like a great mother. |
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Nicole in TX
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Post by Nicole in TX on Mar 28, 2015 23:42:57 GMT
This kid needs his Dad. I would tell your ex that he needs to step up to the plate and have your son move in with him before it is too late.
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Post by KiwiJo on Mar 29, 2015 0:04:43 GMT
Rangerover, I think you have had some excellent advice this thread.
i just wanted to let you know that there is hope - my eldest son was what teachers and a therapist called "a very angry young man". During his middle teen years, life with him was so difficult.
But we all survived.
He is now 37, and for the last 17 or so years has been a productive member of society; a mature, thoughtful and caring man, and I am so very proud of him.
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Post by lucyg on Mar 29, 2015 0:24:16 GMT
My DH/the kids' dad was murdered when they were 10 and 12. My son (the older one) was fine as a teenager although he's currently driving me to an early grave, well into adulthood. but my DD ... sigh. She had always been an easy, sweet, smart, loving child. In the next 6-8 months, she turned 11, started middle school, became adolescent ... and started hating me. Honest to God, the only way she communicated with me for three solid years was by slamming doors. Then she got a little easier, but she started dealing with depression, eating disorders, panic attacks ... by the time she graduated from high school, she was too depressed to get off the couch and didn't go off to college the first year. But things got a little better, a little better ... she did go to school the following year. Eventually she was diagnosed with adult ADD, too. The emotional issues never entirely go away, but she has learned to manage her symptoms on her own and with some medication. And you know what, she likes me again.  It took till she was around 20 to reach that point. So, close to a full decade of anger. We survived. I hope and trust your son will come around, too. He's still very young and very adolescent. and P.S. be aware, most teenage boys are stinky all the time, even if they shower twice a day. It goes away ... eventually.  |
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Post by DinCA on Mar 29, 2015 0:28:16 GMT
IMO he is lashing out at you because he feels safe with you. He misses his dad but is angry with his father but obviously isn't secure enough with his love that he will take it out on him. After all, his father chooses to see him once a month and removed him from his home when he moved in. While his father might be saying the divorce was his idea, he may be inferring that he is only saying that to keep the peace with you. I think he will come around eventually but I would make rules that he has to follow like everyone else. Mandatory showering at least every other day, room cleaning when you feel it is necessary, speaking politely, etc. Will he be angry? Certainly but he is angry anyway.  We had similar problems with our son who is now 22 and very well adjusted despite his ugly teen years. FWIW, he really regrets those years and has told us since that he took his anger out on us, me in particular, because he knew we would always be there for him BECAUSE I repeatedly told him that we love him and will never give up on him. Those words made all the difference. It didn't stop the anger he had over frustrations and angst in his life but eventually he was able to redirect it away from us. He is also a very bright young man and was mature for his age. His father and I are still married but his dad has never been the disciplinarian. It has always been me. We also tried counseling but he, like your son, always outsmarted the counselor, although I do think he was able to learn some coping skills from that experience. There was actually a time, at our worst, when I considered sending him to a school for wayward teens but in the end decided that he would consider that action "giving up on him". It was a risk we decided we weren't willing to take unless he became violent. I'm not going to lie...it was hard. It was the hardest thing we have ever gone through but thankfully it is over. So my advice is don't give up on him and tell him that you never will. And in your case, I would assure him that you are never going to leave him. |
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Post by Zee on Mar 29, 2015 1:23:45 GMT
My parents divorced when I was twelve and I was angry for years, even though I knew it was the best thing (my sister and I were truly tired of the fighting). It's very hard and only time seemed to help...no one could make me happy back then.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 1:58:07 GMT
every behavior is a form of communication
your mission is to find out what your son is trying to communicate to YOU
i'm not saying this is the case, but if he is communicating his frustration at you over certain changes in his life - divorce etc, then punishments and laying down rules and shower advice doesn't go anywhere near addressing that
it may not be that he is blaming you for the divorce etc but that he is not processing it or understanding it. without knowledge all he can do is fill in the blanks and make judgements....which are no doubt incorrect or based on lack of information.
your son is at the point in his life where you cannot just say to him - accept this and that and do not question
he wants to know why
like i said, just my opinion and as you know your son better than a random stranger on the internet, maybe you can work out the issues
if you want him to respect you, you have to give respect also
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rangerover
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Post by rangerover on Mar 29, 2015 2:09:54 GMT
I'm not a cryer (I almost never cry), but I am crying now. I can see those of you who experienced what I did and you give me hope. The psychologist told me that my son was angry with me because he knew that he could be angry with me. I would never leave him, but he was worried his father would. I can't put my son with his dad. His dad has serious mental issues and he cannot take care of my son. Linda - I think you might be right, and I am sad if you are, but I think maybe it is depression. My son's dad has severe depression and hides it well, but what you say hits home I have been sincerely tempted to do this, but agree with you. My dad has passed and my brother-in-law would whip him into shape (figuratively), but he lives 1000 miles away from us. No one else is close. I'm going to call the psychologist Monday morning and talk with him on my own and see what to do. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 2:32:19 GMT
My brother was that hateful teen. You name it he did it. He was terrible to my parents. He blamed them for everything. I was in college at the time but I remember him throwing a tantrum when I came home during my freshman year. He was mad that mom and dad were spending time with me. He skipped school, failed classes, and who knows what else. One summer I was home and my dad asked me to help clean the basement where my brother spent a lot of time. I have never in my life seen anything so disgusting. He started to get his act together by his senior year. He got enough credits and did graduate high school. He went off to college. My parents let him pick where he wanted to go and as long as the school accepted him they would let him go. They did tell him that if he flunked out he wouldn't have anyone to blame but himself. They were letting him make those choses. He graduated and after a few more bumps he got his teacher certification. He teaches high school. He is a fantastic teacher. His students love him. He finished his masters degree a little over a year ago. He says God has a great sense of humor. He hated high school and hated being a teenager and now he spends all his time with teenagers. My mom said it was probably the most difficult part of her life but being patient and staying consistent was important. My brother is an awesome guy now. My kids love him and are happy when he comes to visit. My brother is now in his mid thirties.
Stay the course. Good luck. It will get better.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Mar 29, 2015 5:34:59 GMT
My dad has passed and my brother-in-law would whip him into shape (figuratively), but he lives 1000 miles away from us. No one else is close. Could you send your son for short visit as a treat? Maybe a long weekend? My girls have no relatives close by and adore seeing their cousins. I know that rewarding grumpy behavior is not generally the way to go, but sometimes kids just need all the love they can get. |
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Post by houston249 on Mar 29, 2015 5:44:36 GMT
I have no words of advice about your son. But I did want to say you are a loving caring Mom. Your children are lucky to have you.
I did like the above posters suggestion of your son visiting your brother. Your son will get a new perspective from someone else and you can recharge while he is gone.
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Post by Linda on Mar 29, 2015 12:38:27 GMT
prayers
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 29, 2015 13:10:34 GMT
You're doing a fantastic job! I hope you can stand on the shoulders of all here who have gone before you and see a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up!
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Mar 29, 2015 13:22:12 GMT
When you took him to the therapist before, did you make it all about him and that "he" needs to change? Or was there a family component involved? Maybe taking the approach that you want to have a better relationship with him (and want to know what you can do to change things) would be helpful.
I don't look forward to those years. I have a brother who is 21 now but
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Mar 29, 2015 13:27:05 GMT
Tried to edit my post but it got locked up::
My brother and stepmom had a hostile time when he was a teen. Their relationship seems to be cordial now when they are together but he doesn't contact her much or tell her what is going on in his life. She always says that my second son is like my brother and I hope we don't have the same issues. Even at 9 he likes to hibernate on the computer and his iPod. We are working on getting him outside now that it is nicer, and limiting his screen time.
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rangerover
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Post by rangerover on Mar 30, 2015 3:28:42 GMT
When you took him to the therapist before, did you make it all about him and that "he" needs to change? Or was there a family component involved? Maybe taking the approach that you want to have a better relationship with him (and want to know what you can do to change things) would be helpful. I don't look forward to those years. I have a brother who is 21 now but No. The therapy sessions were all about how we could get along as a family. His dad came and that was helpful because it was very clear that my son could not live with him (he harbored hopes, I know) and the psychologist told my son that his father was not capable of being the parent he needed (those were his words ) That was actually the most helpful of anything to my son, strange as it seems. I think - I hope - my son feels a bit bad for how he treated me yesterday morning. He has been a bit kinder today. Today was our family's "day of service" to ourselves (hah) where we had to work in the yard for 4-5 hours to get it ready for the spring. No one likes this day, myself included, but he was helpful and kind and worked hard. He has spoken only kindly to me today. I don't fool myself into thinking it will last, but I am happy for one nice day . I call the therapist tomorrow and I and my son's dad will go talk with him alone and see what we can do to get my son there. Thank you  |
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Post by Lindarina on Mar 30, 2015 8:54:05 GMT
My parents divorced when I was twelve and I was angry for years, even though I knew it was the best thing (my sister and I were truly tired of the fighting). It's very hard and only time seemed to help...no one could make me happy back then. My parents divorced at 14. My relationship with my father sounds a lot like the one your children are having with theirs. I love him dearly, but he was not capable of giving me as much of his time as I deserved. I was an angry teen, and I directed it towards my mother. As an adult I have realized that I was insecure, lost and a bit scared. But as a child I didn't know what I was feeling. I finally came around, but it did take TIME. I will say this. The rules my mother set and enforced caused a lot of conflicts, but they also made me feel safe and loved. Of course that's something My 15 year old self would never admit to  |
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Post by craftygardenmom on Mar 30, 2015 14:31:50 GMT
I think - I hope - my son feels a bit bad for how he treated me yesterday morning. He has been a bit kinder today. Today was our family's "day of service" to ourselves (hah) where we had to work in the yard for 4-5 hours to get it ready for the spring. No one likes this day, myself included, but he was helpful and kind and worked hard. He has spoken only kindly to me today. I don't fool myself into thinking it will last, but I am happy for one nice day . I call the therapist tomorrow and I and my son's dad will go talk with him alone and see what we can do to get my son there. Thank you I really like what tincin said and I'll just add that the most important thing you can do is to be the constant in your son's life. He is pushing, pushing, pushing trying to see what will drive you away. Even in the face of his crappy behavior, if you are constant, he will (eventually) realize you ARE the rock he can lean on. And I also wouldn't discount the 14yr-old/adolescent raging hormones running all through him for the mean mouth and misdirected anger.  |
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He was wonderful until about 1 year ago. He's never had a lot of friends, but he has a couple with whom he is very close. He plays sports and is pretty good at them. He is very smart. He is also black and white. I know a lot of boys are like that, but he is extreme. He will not apologize, and he never believes he is wrong. Long story short, some months ago he got outrageously angry when I asked him to take a shower - because I asked once and reminded twice in a 2-hr evening period, nothing else - and he moved in with his dad. His dad couldn't handle having someone there, so I took him back (happily). He blames me for that, for our divorce, and pretty much for everything. My ex has told him the divorce was his decision, he couldn't keep my son with him, etc., but son thinks I'm forcing dad to say that. I took him to see a psychologist who dealt with kids like him, but my son refuses to go anymore. Honestly, it didn't seem to help much because my son answered the psych with whatever the "right" answer was. My son also sounds and acts extremely mature (except with me) and he sounds reasonable when he talks. 
Time to get off the internet!
It took till she was around 20 to reach that point. So, close to a full decade of anger. We survived. I hope and trust your son will come around, too. He's still very young and very adolescent.
