Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 15:57:48 GMT
Hi my mom keeps asking me if she is really sick and if she is going to die. She asks me over and over. She is really sick and yes she is going to die. All our parents are going to die, hopefully they will die before us, as that is the natural progression of life on earth. How do you answer this, though? Do I say you are very sick? You have an illness? You are just fine? She isn't going to remember it either way. She doesn't feel sick other than being fatigued and she isn't taking pain pills any longer either which is really good news  so I am not sure what to say. Anyone else BTDT? I want to be truthful but do I need to be? She is not going to remember it in 2 minutes. She wants to know why her stomach hurts. She has an ostomy pouch and that is how she defecates. She doesn't know this, though. I have to remind her. |
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Rainbow
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Post by Rainbow on Apr 1, 2015 16:08:51 GMT
I'd be honest with her, she deserves that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:10:16 GMT
My heart hurts for you Delta Dawn When my Dad was first diagnosed with dementia he kept asking over and over 'so have I got it then'? and 'I don't have to worry about being here much longer now do I'? I don't think I dealt with his questions very well as I kind of brushed them off with a 'don't worry, I'll look after you' type answer. He did become very depressed after his diagnosis and he cried a lot, I felt being reassuring was more important than always being truthful. I hope someone has a better suggestion for you. |
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gsquaredmom
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Post by gsquaredmom on Apr 1, 2015 16:12:27 GMT
Yes. And you tell her again when she asks again. It goes a long way to helping them come to peace with it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:21:08 GMT
I am finding that just sitting beside her or laying beside her as the case usually is, works the best. She asks me if she is sick again. Sometimes I say yes, then she asks am I going to die. Then she asks if she is going to die soon. Then drops the subject. Then has forgotten all about it. I explained the pouch was like her brother had and I am not sure that she remembers she had a brother. Yesterday she asked my former BIL if he had ever met my sister so it is pretty far progressed. I am fairly light hearted about it because if I get upset about it, what good am I to her or my dad? It is heartbreaking because she was so smart and on the ball a few months ago. Now it's as though the cancer is devouring her brain and it isn't there. It's just dementia. This is working in her favour as hopefully she will just think she is tired and there is nothing else wrong with her. Now that she isn't on pain meds any longer (well that's not entirely true as we give them based on need now rather than just medicating, though we were told to medicate on a schedule), her energy level should increase. She has lost a lot of weight lately. She doesn't want to eat much, but we are trying to feed her as much as we can. This is all new territory for us. She had a falling out with her brother and SIL and now we don't know how he was at the end either. (they live(d) far away from us). Ok enough. I am over thinking this. Dementia is so confusing!!! I wish I had more answers than questions. Truth vs fiction. She deserves the truth. rainbow I agree she does. It seems to upset her though, so I am regulating how often I tell her. Then she literally forgets less than 2 min later. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:24:19 GMT
I do tell her she is going to die at some point. I point out that something will kill all of us. We know what she is going to die from, but it isn't going to happen for a while and then she is ok. She forgets. The amount of time she remembers things has greatly decreased. It was days--->hours----->minutes---->bare seconds and then it's onto something else or the same question. She is totally at peace as long as I tell her what she wants to hear. I don't lie and say you are going to be "fine". I just say you are sick and leave it at that. If she asks for more I give her more. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 1, 2015 16:26:19 GMT
We didn't have to deal with that exactly, but our mom would ask the same things over and over and over again, like "When can I go home? I really want to go home." She would ask this repeatedly when she WAS at home, and also later after we moved her to a memory care facility.  We would tell her, "You ARE at home" and she would get so upset saying she knew her mom was waiting for her at home, that it was getting late, she needed to go, etc. It was so sad. Obviously, since my mom was almost 84 when she passed, her mom was long gone by then. One book that helped us learn some new coping mechanisms was "The 36 Hour Day" link Since she didn't remember her mom was gone, it would come as a sad shock to her over and over again every time we would have to tell her that her mom or her twin sister had died. Our tactic became to try to redirect the conversation toward something more pleasant every time she would talk about her mom waiting for her or say that she wanted to go home. I can see where it would be equally sad for your mom to hear the reality of her situation repeatedly because she isn't remembering the conversation she just had two minutes ago. (HUGS!) This is such a hard thing to go through not only for the person with dementia but also for all of their caregivers and loved ones. It's like you have to live through the heartbreak of losing them twice. |
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Post by ilikepink on Apr 1, 2015 16:26:30 GMT
Elannah, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Be honest with her, but if she "gets it" and it upsets her, don't keep repeating it. Just reassure her that she is loved, being cared for, and that everything will be okay. Then say it again, and again.
I'm going through this with my dad - I swear, there is nothing worse than watching your parents go downhill, unless it's something with your children.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 1, 2015 16:29:01 GMT
If hearing the truth agitates your mother, it is often best to redirect, or use Habilitation Therapy and/or Therapeutic Lying techniques. Strategies for Dementia Caregivers |
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Post by femalebusiness on Apr 1, 2015 16:29:29 GMT
(((Hugs))) It is so hard to know what to do. My heart goes out to you.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 1, 2015 16:38:22 GMT
Yes. And you tell her again when she asks again. It goes a long way to helping them come to peace with it. I respectfully disagree. A person who is that far gone with dementia will not *ever* come to grips with it because two minutes later they won't remember ever having the conversation. So every time they ask and it's answered truthfully, it just causes them new pain and distress over and over and over again. My feeling is that it's better to provide whatever comfort you can at this point because you want their final months, weeks, days to be as pleasant and happy as possible. If that means distracting them and redirecting the conversation to other topics, then that's what you do. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:38:32 GMT
I think we are doing all we can then. I used hidden text so people can skip the thread if they want. They can open it, see nothing is there and decide not to respond. Easy peasy.
I bought her something for Mother's Day a couple of months ago but gave it to her last week. No clothes are saved for good. Everything good is for everyday use now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:40:34 GMT
Yes. And you tell her again when she asks again. It goes a long way to helping them come to peace with it. I respectfully disagree. A person who is that far gone with dementia will not *ever* come to grips with it because two minutes later they won't remember ever having the conversation. So every time they ask and it's answered truthfully, it just causes them new pain and distress over and over and over again. My feeling is that it's better to provide whatever comfort you can at this point because you want their final months, weeks, days to be as pleasant and happy as possible. If that means distracting them and redirecting the conversation to other topics, then that's what you do. I exaggerated when I said 2 minutes. It's less than 2 minutes. It's more like 30 seconds and it's gone. Then asks again. Seriously. It is that often then it's on to something else. Now it's coffee with her BFF this afternoon. This is something fun to look forward to. |
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Post by shelby on Apr 1, 2015 16:40:37 GMT
"Yes Mom, you are sick. Your body is wearing out but your doctors are taking good care of you. Always know though that I'm here to love you and help you. " You may tell her this and 20 minutes later she will ask again but just keep repeating it. When she is lucid she's frightened about what is happening. I went through two years of this with my dad and our main goal was to let him know we were there for him at the times he was able to understand what we were telling him. It's a rough journey you're on right now and there will be times you are going to want to hit your head against the wall. Just remember she can't help how she is and don't take any thing personal .
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:44:52 GMT
"Yes Mom, you are sick. Your body is wearing out but your doctors are taking good care of you. Always know though that I'm here to love you and help you. " You may tell her this and 20 minutes later she will ask again but just keep repeating it. When she is lucid she's frightened about what is happening. I went through two years of this with my dad and our main goal was to let him know we were there for him at the times he was able to understand what we were telling him. It's a rough journey you're on right now and there will be times you are going to want to hit your head against the wall. Just remember she can't help how she is and don't take any thing personal.I had to LOL at the 20 min because 20 min is a long time in our sphere of things. Nothing is 20 minutes long except sleep. I have learned not to take anything personally. (The hard way, of course). I close my door and know she will be in a different mood (may be better or not) in a matter of mere minutes or seconds. If it's still bad, stay hidden, if she has become nice, go talk to her. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 16:45:34 GMT
"Yes Mom, you are sick. Your body is wearing out but your doctors are taking good care of you. Always know though that I'm here to love you and help you. " You may tell her this and 20 minutes later she will ask again but just keep repeating it. When she is lucid she's frightened about what is happening. I went through two years of this with my dad and our main goal was to let him know we were there for him at the times he was able to understand what we were telling him. It's a rough journey you're on right now and there will be times you are going to want to hit your head against the wall. Just remember she can't help how she is and don't take any thing personal.I had to LOL at the 20 min because 20 min is a long time in our sphere of things. Nothing is 20 minutes long except sleep. I have learned not to take anything personally. (The hard way, of course). I close my door and know she will be in a different mood (may be better or not) in a matter of mere minutes or seconds. If it's still bad, stay hidden, if she has become nice, go talk to her. I do like the quote you gave me and I will start using it as it is very nice and it is truthful. |
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oldcrow
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Post by oldcrow on Apr 1, 2015 16:52:21 GMT
Check out Teepe Snow, she is fantastic. There are some you tubes you can watch.
One thing you must remember is that now does not exist for dementia patients. So you must go to wherever their mind is. If they want momma then tell them she is away and you are babysitting. And when they say they want to go home it is the home they lived in when they were young not the one they are in now.
You need to learn patience if they ask the same question 10 times then simply answer it 10 times.
Dementia patients can not learn. They have no short term memory and without that it is impossible to learn. So not only do they not remember your answer they don't remember asking the question. Don't waste your time or energy trying to bring them up to speed, they just can't do it.
I was very lucky neither of my parents suffered from dementia but I have worked with dementia patients for many years and I can tell you that patience on your part will make the situation much easier. Not easy but easier.
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Apr 1, 2015 19:50:40 GMT
When my dad was really ill with his kidney/colon cancer, I was the one who drove him to the hospital as the pain he was experiencing was unbearable.
On the drive to the hospital, he asked me if he was going to be coming home. I am the youngest of the siblings but the only one that dad truly confided with. I had not a lot of time to think, and dad was in an excellent state of mind, so I simply said that I didn't know what 'home' that he would be going to, his earthly home or his heavenly home. He thanked me for being honest with him. Dad did pass 3 weeks later. |
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Post by christine58 on Apr 1, 2015 20:04:29 GMT
I respectfully disagree. A person who is that far gone with dementia will not *ever* come to grips with it because two minutes later they won't remember ever having the conversation. So every time they ask and it's answered truthfully, it just causes them new pain and distress over and over and over again. My feeling is that it's better to provide whatever comfort you can at this point because you want their final months, weeks, days to be as pleasant and happy as possible. If that means distracting them and redirecting the conversation to other topics, then that's what you do. I exaggerated when I said 2 minutes. It's less than 2 minutes. It's more like 30 seconds and it's gone. Then asks again. Seriously. It is that often then it's on to something else. Now it's coffee with her BFF this afternoon. This is something fun to look forward to. Is she under the care of hospice?? If so, let them help. |
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Apr 1, 2015 20:08:58 GMT
Hugs to you, Elannah. This sounds so difficult, but you appear to be doing a wonderful job looking after your Mom.
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Post by Flowergirl on Apr 1, 2015 20:18:24 GMT
If hearing the truth agitates your mother, it is often best to redirect, or use Habilitation Therapy and/or Therapeutic Lying techniques. Strategies for Dementia CaregiversThank you for linking this. We have to use therapeutic lying with my mom, and it never sits right with me, though it really is the most comforting way for her to deal with change. When I remind myself that we're not lying to my pre-Alzheimer's mom, it helps. |
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Apr 1, 2015 20:25:06 GMT
I felt being reassuring was more important than always being truthful. What a loving way to handle this situation. |
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Post by utmr on Apr 1, 2015 20:34:22 GMT
If lying bothers you, then find something true-ish. If she is asking for someone long dead say "he couldn't be here today", wanting to go to work, it's your day off today. And change the subject.
And when she tries to set you up with her son because he's a nice boy and she'd like him to meet a nice girl like you, smile and tell her you'd love to meet him, and try to hold back the tears until you get to the car.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2015 21:00:55 GMT
I felt being reassuring was more important than always being truthful. What a loving way to handle this situation. Thank you. |
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Apr 1, 2015 22:19:22 GMT
I felt that when the person suffering from dementia was asking questions and the truthful answer would hurt them -- and repeatedly hurt them -- that it was cruel to tell them the hurtful truth. If they can't remember the answer, then you are just inflicting pain in multiple tiny little cuts. In those cases, a lie is a kindness.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 1, 2015 22:39:43 GMT
after my BIL's mother died, his father got dementia so he moved to an assisted facility. he was happy there, he even found a little girlfriend who was even older than him. everyday he would walk to her apartment to visit. one day she died and they had to tell him she died. he was crushed. the next day, he walked back to her apartment like nothing happened. again they had to tell him. he did this over and over again. it was devastating to hear the news each time but he would soon forget, sparing him the prolonged grief. at some point, his memory of her faded away. it was all so sad.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2015 1:17:29 GMT
My dad didn't have dementia per se, but he had a car accident where he broke his neck and had a head injury, which plunged him almost overnight into an injury induced type of dementia. At first, he had some clarity, but it went very quickly. His caregivers told us to just go with what he was saying because it would make him less agitated and in a few moments, it would be gone again anyway.
But take solace in the thought that even when they aren't "there," sometimes they are more there than you could ever realize.
My dad once insisted that my son had visited him. I kept telling him that I didn't have a son, but he INSISTED that he came to visit, to the point that he was getting pissed at me for denying it. So I asked "Dad, if I have a son, what is his name?" My dad answered "J.P. Morgan." At the time, it was a funny little tidbit that we were able to find the humor in. He died shortly after that.
Fast forward 3 years at my daughter's wedding rehearsal. It was casual, but she was irritated that casual to her and casual to her soon to be husband didn't mean the same thing. She hadn't checked the clothes he had packed and he had just brought a t-shirt. It wasn't until later when my husband leaned over and said "do you see what he is wearing" that we realized he was wearing a t-shirt that said "J.P. Morgan."
My dad never met him, they hadn't even met at the time my dad was alive, and DD and her husband didn't know that story. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2015 1:49:27 GMT
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Apr 2, 2015 2:04:28 GMT
My dad suffered dementia first short time caused by his injury to his neck. It was really difficult to be put in the position of parent, rather than child. I am sorry you are going through this.
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so I am not sure what to say.
We would tell her, "You ARE at home" and she would get so upset saying she knew her mom was waiting for her at home, that it was getting late, she needed to go, etc. It was so sad. Obviously, since my mom was almost 84 when she passed, her mom was long gone by then. 
