|
|
Post by mom on May 28, 2015 15:30:11 GMT
Alright Peas - I have a just turned 16 year old boy. He has an iPhone and iPad. The iPhone goes back and forth between my house and his dads. The iPad stays at my house.
A month ago, we had to take his iPad away because he got in huge trouble at school and that was part of his punishment. He was set to get his iPad back tomorrow.
I get a call today from his dad - he caught Ben texting a girl from snapchat from his iPad- at 2:45 in the morning. The same iPad we had taken away. Well, apparently he found its hiding spot in my DH office and took it with him when he went to his dad's house. The texts were not bad - just talking about normal teen stuff.
Besides the texts, he had also browsed through porn. Nothing crazy, but porn.
Honestly, I am more upset that he took his iPad without permission than the porn. Is that wrong?
Extra info: his iPhone has a program on it that sends his dad and email with any inappropriate searches, downloads, etc. So there in no porn on it. He apparently did all of his searches while on free wi-fi. Also, he does not have a girlfriend and hasn't ever really had one. His dad (who I share custody with) is really overbearing and is very strict.
What is an appropriate punishment for this? I don't want to over react (I don't think I am!) but yet, I don't want to just let this slide either.
|
|
smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
|
Post by smginaz Suzy on May 28, 2015 15:34:29 GMT
I am with you that the stealing is the issue rather than the porn. The porn just says to me that he is a teenager.
Stealing is about trust and his ability to regain your trust will be a long, difficult process.
It means to me that part of the consequence is that anything that requires you to have some level of trust in his actions is subject to a great deal of scrutiny.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 28, 2015 15:37:36 GMT
I am with you that the stealing is the issue rather than the porn. The porn just says to me that he is a teenager. Stealing is about trust and his ability to regain your trust will be a long, difficult process. It means to me that part of the consequence is that anything that requires you to have some level of trust in his actions is subject to a great deal of scrutiny. That is kinda what I was thinking. I don't know that grounding him is what needs to happen (we won't earn his trust back that way) but I also wasn't sure if just scrutinizing his every action was enough either. |
|
freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
|
Post by freebird on May 28, 2015 15:42:34 GMT
I would be more upset by the deception than the porn also. Very. It'd probably be gone for even longer and go in my safe deposit box just to be mean about it.
Maybe make him EARN it back by some volunteer work and/or work around the houses.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:41:02 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2015 15:43:05 GMT
I agree that stealing is the major issue here but I would also address the porn. I know that it's teenage curiosity and that's fine and all, but I would caution him that porn is usually fantasy and not real life. Porn portrays expectations that women can rarely live up to and largely demoralizes women.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:41:02 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2015 15:45:32 GMT
Both would bother me. I don't care much what adults do, but I think porn sets up really unreasonable expectations for teens about what sex is really like. There is an increasing body of knowledge out there about how it permanently can alter behaviour and performance in men who watch porn regularly.
I think if I had a child who I caught watching porn, I'd make them do some reading and listening to intelligent discussions and studies about the harm of porn.
Being curious is natural and normal -- I have no problem with that, but that doesn't mean that I think porn is harmless or acceptable.
I'd take away the electronics for a while and have some discussions about trust, too.
|
|
jenkate77
Full Member
Posts: 427
Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
|
Post by jenkate77 on May 28, 2015 15:46:39 GMT
The deception would make me upset as well, but I agree about the porn being a concern as well. It's not like when we were kids and the boys were all stealing their Dad's Playboys. On the internet it's too easy to get to really twisted (and possibly illegal) stuff.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 28, 2015 15:51:57 GMT
I like the idea of making him earn it back. He is with me most of the summer, so that will be easy to do. And the safe deposit box? Awesome. Definitely can do that.
I honestly had not given too much thought about the porn...but yes. I do need to have a heart to heart with him about it. Maybe have him do some research about the effects of porn.
His dad is wanting me to take a hammer to the iPad. I don't see what good that would do. There is no lesson learning with that.
|
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 28, 2015 15:58:52 GMT
I agree that I would be more upset about him taking the iPad back & evading original punishment that looking at porn. Finding a way to look at women/men that they are sexually attracted to is a normal thing, and as long as the porn wasn't of a violent or illegal nature, I would let that slide.
Only you & his dad can decide on an appropriate second punishment, but if it were me, I would definitely be taking away that iPad until he found a way to earn it back to my satisfaction.
|
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on May 28, 2015 16:02:54 GMT
I think you are right on.
The deception is the problem..I would also make sure that I was talking to him about Porn.. and how it portrays women, and how the sex in porn is completely unrealistic and ridiculous.
|
|
NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
|
Post by NoWomanNoCry on May 28, 2015 16:06:06 GMT
Few more days without the iPad for the deception.
Porn thing wouldn't bother me.
|
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on May 28, 2015 16:10:04 GMT
The stealing it back would get me. We took away keyboard onetime, only to find DS took one from another system so he could play at night. I think we took entire system after that.
I enjoy reading others suggestions. It's so hard when it's things like iPads, and computers, even iPhones, that help with school and keep calendars.
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on May 28, 2015 16:22:13 GMT
The stealing of the iPad would get him extra time without it.
The porm? I pads don't crash. Right? I'd tell him never to go to a site that wanted information from him.
|
|
|
|
Post by coaliesquirrel on May 28, 2015 16:36:46 GMT
He had had the ipad taken away for a month, right (sounds like from your OP)? For the dishonesty, I would take it away for an additional two months (double the original) to impress upon him the importance of being trustworthy. Also, I'd let him know that if there's another infraction, the ipad would be sold/donated/etc. Regarding the porn, if it's just looking at naked pictures (similar to a Playboy), I'd probably chalk it up to hormones and let it go. If it's hardcore, I might point out to him that that stuff's FAR from real, but the punishment would really be having to have a conversation with Mom about porn - I don't think I'd give additional punishment.
|
|
|
|
Post by ilikepink on May 28, 2015 16:49:04 GMT
I agree with most everyone above. It's the lying and deception that is more important right now. I might keep the Ipad all summer. The porn thing is normal, but still.... I had a long conversation with one of mine when I saw on the computer what he was looking at. We had a conversation about how it demeans women, and is so far from reality. I didn't want to shame him too much (it is normal desires after all), but didn't want it to become a bigger issue.
Toddlers are so much easier...
|
|
jenkate77
Full Member
Posts: 427
Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
|
Post by jenkate77 on May 28, 2015 16:53:37 GMT
If it makes you feel better, my 13 year old has this new "not lying" trick he does. His devices have been taken away, possibly forever, but he does have occasional access to ours. He'll hide the device and then say "I don't have it." Which is technically true, BUT not really true.
|
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on May 28, 2015 16:56:51 GMT
Well, stealing back the iPad before he should have it would be a HUGE issuer for me. Mine would probably lose both iPad and phone for awhile if taking the actual phone totally away isn't practical I'd then take away his media ability on the phone and put a passcode on the wifi. So it would literally just be a phone.
The porn, hmmmmmmm, over aged legal porn I assume? If so then that would generate a few in depth discussions on the topics of sex, protection, STDs, and how to treat our partners in general. Maybe a discussion on wether or not porn exploits women. Both because the discussions are important, with valuable info that needs to be reiterated and because I do not wish to find porn in my home and if they are going to do that then they need to do it elsewhere. But there would be no 'punishment' for the porn. Just feel that if they are doing that then there's some facts that we need to talk about again and make sure it's sunk in.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:41:02 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2015 17:00:34 GMT
Many will say that porn isn't bad. Unfortunately it is if your child gets addicted as my son did. In my husband's "day" as a teenager, it was more likely he would be able to get his hands on Hustler and Playboy. What one can find on the 'net is far more damaging and I don't want my son spending time viewing it. So we use a variety of tools to block his use at home. That's what I have to say on the porn side of things.
His blatant flaunting of the rules and his punishment would mean he wouldn't see his iPad for a long time if he lived in this house. I would also have a discussion with him about why he felt he HAD to have the iPad so much that he would behave in this way.
Good luck! Sometimes this parenting gig is just too darn much.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:41:02 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2015 17:07:47 GMT
Wow, so many things that would make me made. The porn? Eh, like others, I supposed it would warrant a discussion based on what type, etc. The embarrassment alone of that conversation is probably enough as long as it's "normal" porn stuff (I know that the definition of normal will vary)
However, going into his stepdad's personal space, taking something that he knows he was grounded from, texting in the middle of the night (because you KNOW that means he was sneaking about it not just that it was a convenient time), and Snapchat (although my personal knowledge of that is limited, but from what I have heard, I think I would prohibit it if I had teens) . . . all of those things would tick me off in a major way. They are all purposeful violations of privacy, space, trust, respect, etc. At the very least, his punishment would be doubled, but I think that I would have to add something more for the invasion of your DH's personal space and snooping.
ETA: Although I sound hardline, I also acknowledge that it's all normal teenage stuff. It's just stuff that in my parenting style would warrant a lesson. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:41:02 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2015 17:15:11 GMT
I agree that at the very least a talk is in order about the Porn. Natural curiosity? Sure, but there is so much really bad stuff out there, that he needs to understand that Porn often affects other people (both any future partners and the people who are taken advantage of in the illegal stuff). For the I-Pad, maybe have him have to work off enough money to "buy" it back? Make it take some time.
|
|
akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
|
Post by akathy on May 28, 2015 17:18:36 GMT
I'd have a talk to him about the dangers of porn and take the iPad for the summer. After he gets it back I'd make him empty his bags and prove to me he doesn't have it each and every time he went to his Dad's until I felt he'd earned some trust back.
|
|
back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
|
Post by back to *pea*ality on May 28, 2015 17:24:47 GMT
I think the sneaking around to find the iPad and then take is a violation of the trust. I would take the iPad and the iPhone away permanently. Give him a pre-paid flip phone for emergencies.
I think it is easy for boys these days to have access to Internet porn. I think you should discuss it with your son. If he took the iPad because he is addicted to it then you have another issue to work through. Good luck.
|
|
scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
|
Post by scorpeao on May 28, 2015 17:33:10 GMT
The only thing I'd say about the porn is that it's not a real representation of sex; they are paid actors, etc. I'd be pissed about the lying/sneaking though. I'd probably take the iPad away until I felt I could trust him again.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 28, 2015 17:38:15 GMT
He had had the ipad taken away for a month, right (sounds like from your OP)? For the dishonesty, I would take it away for an additional two months (double the original) to impress upon him the importance of being trustworthy. Also, I'd let him know that if there's another infraction, the ipad would be sold/donated/etc. Regarding the porn, if it's just looking at naked pictures (similar to a Playboy), I'd probably chalk it up to hormones and let it go. If it's hardcore, I might point out to him that that stuff's FAR from real, but the punishment would really be having to have a conversation with Mom about porn - I don't think I'd give additional punishment. Oh!!! I like the double the time re: taking his iPad away! Yes, it was just playboy type stuff. Nothing hardcore or violent. |
|
|
|
Post by doesitmatter on May 28, 2015 19:13:06 GMT
I agree that stealing is the major issue here but I would also address the porn. I know that it's teenage curiosity and that's fine and all, but I would caution him that porn is usually fantasy and not real life. Porn portrays expectations that women can rarely live up to and largely demoralizes women. ^that. |
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,623
|
Post by bethany102399 on May 28, 2015 19:29:20 GMT
Burning Feather, I don't think you sound hardline at all. If either of my kids pulled that kind of thing then they'd find themselves minus any electronics, and having to do something specific to earn them back.
As for the porn, I agree with the others, have a conversation, stress porn is far from real life and can set up unrealistic expectations. That conversation alone with mom is punishment enough on that one IMO.
That being said, I'd be more upset by the lying and sneaking than the porn.
|
|
|
|
Post by threegirls on May 28, 2015 19:41:41 GMT
I would be upset about both. I would include a talk about how porn can be addicting. It can ruin a person's life if not controlled. A friend of my husband's just lost a really, really good paying job because of his porn addiction. It wasn't child porn or anything odd just normal stuff but he just had to look at it while at work. It's too bad too because he has primary custody of his kids and financially covers everything. He has really gone into a depression about everything. It really surprises me because he is such a nice, kind guy. You would never think he had an addiction problem.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 29, 2015 2:17:33 GMT
I would be upset about both. I would include a talk about how porn can be addicting. It can ruin a person's life if not controlled. A friend of my husband's just lost a really, really good paying job because of his porn addiction. It wasn't child porn or anything odd just normal stuff but he just had to look at it while at work. It's too bad too because he has primary custody of his kids and financially covers everything. He has really gone into a depression about everything. It really surprises me because he is such a nice, kind guy. You would never think he had an addiction problem. I hope you don't mind, but I read this post to my son so he could hear some real life consequences. Thank you for sharing. |
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on May 29, 2015 2:42:41 GMT
I think the stealing the iPad is the problem to deal with at hand. That is a complete trust issue. Losing his phone and iPad for a month would send a strong message. While it might be a pain for you, it will really hurt him. Porn is something we have always had discussions about in my house. Both of my kids knew what it could lead to, but kids can get that stuff almost anywhere. My husband told my son back in his day all he had was a magazine. My kid didn't miss a beat and said, yeah, but with an iPad you can use both hands. Ugh. Teen boys.
|
|
_on_the_beach.jpg)
