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Post by Belia on May 28, 2015 23:35:04 GMT
The ILs were up for a visit this past weekend for the first time since Christmas. Holy cow... my FIL has gone downhill fast. I have a couple of really pressing concerns. First of all, they think he has Parkinson's. But the way this diagnosis has come about seems really.... shady? Lacksadasical? They went for an MRI to diagnose this a while back, and their appointment to have the MRI read by a neurologist was TWO MONTHS later. Then when it came time for that appointment, (I'm still not clear whether they moved the appt up a bit with a cancellation or kept the original one), the neurologist they had the appt with was leaving the practice, so they met with a nurse practitioner.  Who told them she thought it was Parkinson's, but that he would need to see a specialist neurologist. IN FOUR MONTHS. So he has no official diagnosis, no medication, no medical plan, and won't have any of those things until the end of summer at the soonest. Does that sound right? Does that sound reasonable? His physical state has deteriorated drastically since Christmas. Not so much with tremors, but slack face, drooling, slow mental processing, shuffling when he walks. Also, as an aside, he is still driving. I cannot imagine that it's safe, just watching him sitting in our living room for the weekend, but he, my MIL, and DH all just kind of shrugged when I brought it up. I have no idea- is Parkinson's a risk factor for driving? Secondly, and this is really the biggest issue I'm concerned about, is MONEY. My FIL has been talking to some financial guy in Texas on the phone for hours, and FIL wants to give this guy some of his money to invest. (My IL's live in Kentucky). I have no idea how he found this guy or how the guy found him, and I have major, major concerns about this for obvious reasons. We live 6 hours away from my ILs, and we don't know anyone in their city. They don't really, either- they haven't lived there very long and aren't very social. DH has one brother, but relations are very strained between him and my ILs. (And us, I guess). He won't be much help, but he won't be a hindrance, either. I guess these are my main questions- My ILs have lived paycheck-to-paycheck pretty much their whole lives. They do have some money in FIL's 401K and they have an IRA from a small inheritance, but other than that I don't think they have much. House is not paid for. Where should the funds they do have be invested, considering that they need to keep that money pretty safe? Like, *I* would be investing in the stock market, but I also have time to ride out any highs and lows. FIL doesn't want to mess around with the market / mutual funds, because he's too afraid of losing principal and not having enough time to build that nestegg back up. So where SHOULD he have his money? Also- what documents do they need to have in place? I don't think they have anything- not even a will. What else do they need? What's a power of attorney? Do they need one? Any other words of advice? If I'm coming across like a shrew harpy, I'm not intending to. Like I told my husband... I just want them to have a PLAN. I don't care what the plan is... they can leave all of their money to the dog and name the girl at the Sonic Drive Thru as their power or attorney if they want to. But I don't want to see them get taken advantage of and lose any of their (probably very limited) funds, and I don't want them to be forced into making these decisions in a crisis. Thanks. |
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Post by jenjie on May 28, 2015 23:56:44 GMT
I'm sorry. I agree I don't know why the docs are sitting on their hands. they should be able to see about a second opinion and/or a different practice. Some things to consider: Will Living will/advance directive - some states have a "Five wishes" booklet whicH helps simplify some end of life concerns. - type of treatment I want, how comfortable I want to be, etc. there are a bunch of statements and you just cross off the ones you disagree with. All you need is two witnesses for it to be valid. We ended up using this because dh didn't want to deal with it at all and it was pretty basic. They leave you space to add other options that haven't been addressed. www.fivewishes.orgYou might want to consider: Medical power of attorney Financial power of attorney |
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TheOtherMeg
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on May 29, 2015 0:05:21 GMT
Call around and find someone in their city/county who handles senior support services. They probably can't help you with getting a medical diagnosis, but they should be able to give you info about legal things like getting POAs and finding someone to help you/them get financial planning advice.
The talking with the guy in TX needs to be stopped. I hope you or your DH can convince your FIL to stop talking to him.
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Post by epeanymous on May 29, 2015 0:11:24 GMT
We've been dealing with Parkison's for years; dh's mother has it. The answer is that it is very hard to say what is "normal" or what to expect, there. I was not yet with dh when she was diagnosed (about 22 years ago), but she has declined rapidly in the past seven years or so. Parkinson's as a diagnosis does not automatically mean you cannot drive, but there are factors that you are supposed to look for, and certainly people can be re-tested to see if they are still capable drivers. Unfortunately your choices are to get the person to voluntarily be tested or to check the law available in their jurisdiction and go through whatever process there is for reporting them there as someone whose driving may be problematic due to age/disease. As many people who have tried to get people in this position to stop driving will tell you, an awful lot of people who should not be driving are not going to concede that point willingly.
Do you have concern about their mental competence at all?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:28:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2015 0:14:14 GMT
Your FIL could have something easily fixed like a UTI or something that needs long term treatment so he needs to see another doctor.
Honestly tho you husband needs to sit down with them and get their affairs in order. Maybe even move them near you.
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 0:37:17 GMT
Do you have concern about their mental competence at all? Ummmm..... Hard to answer. With my MIL- no. But..... she's always been very passive and passive-aggressive. She's is super content just to let everyone else take care of everything for her. She will be in the other room listening to everything that is going on and piping in with her opinion, but willing to take over any part of it? No way. "I don't need to get involved in all that. That's Bob's thing." There is absolutely nothing wrong with her or preventing her from taking care of any of this stuff, but she hasn't done so for 40 years and I can't see her breaking that pattern of behavior. With my FIL..... I just don't know. He admitted that he's noticed that he's a lot slower at things than before. When I specifically asked him- are you still processing things at your normal rate, but just taking longer to get your thoughts out, put your thoughts into words, etc, he said no. He said that he can tell his brain is working more slowly overall and his thinking itself is more muddled. (Hence my concern about his driving.) But do I think he's mentally incompetent? Probably not. No. I don't think so at this point. He's always been kind of flighty about stuff. Like, buying into weird conspiracy theories or get-rich-quick schemes, and then one month later "Oh that was all a load of garbage. The REAL answer to the world's problem is now THIS thing I heard about on Fox News." But I wouldn't be surprised if he reached that "incompetent" point sooner rather than later. He just seems more muddled and overwhelmed about this "grown-up" stuff than he ever has before. |
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 0:39:34 GMT
Call around and find someone in their city/county who handles senior support services. They probably can't help you with getting a medical diagnosis, but they should be able to give you info about legal things like getting POAs and finding someone to help you/them get financial planning advice. This is a really good idea. I've been looking around for a financial person they could talk to but not having much luck. I will look into this more tomorrow. Thank you! |
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on May 29, 2015 0:44:06 GMT
Sadly around here it's extremely difficult to get into a specialist. I called the end of January to see my gastroenterologist and the first available appointment was in May! And I've seen him before and am a patient of his. Strangely enough I was able to get in to be seen at the Mayo clinic in Minnesota, have testing done and be seen by a team of gastroenterologists and surgeons in April before I could see my own doctor here. Please don't be hating on the NP. She is not qualified to diagnose your FIL or set a treatment plan. That's like asking an OB/GYN to do it. Not in their field, he needs to be seen by a specialist. My gastroenterologist's NP is very smart and knows what she's doing but she does not diagnose things without running it by her doctor. They aren't doctors and I'd be leary seeing one who thought they could do the doctor's job. (can you tell I'm the mother of an NP?  ) A medical power of of attorney and a financial power of attorney would be a good idea. I recently did this so in the future it will be in place if I become unable. When my FIL was still driving but shouldn't have been and none of the kids would say anything to him, I simply called his doctor (whom I knew) and asked him to handle it. He did and my FIL never drove again. My brother talked to my late father and told him he wasn't capable of driving any more and that's all it took. My father never drove again. Does your DH agree that his dad shouldn't be driving? Would he be willing to have a heart to heart with him to tell him that? |
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 0:47:14 GMT
Honestly tho you husband needs to sit down with them and get their affairs in order. This is exactly what I would like to see happen, too. I would love to see DH, MIL, FIL *and* BIL all sit down to go through this stuff together. Then I would love to see them ALL meet with a couple of different financial advisors to get a couple of different opinions on how the finances should be managed. Then I would love to see them ALL meet with an attorney to take care of a will, POA, anything else that needs to be done. I just want to find them people in my IL's city to work with who are trustworthy. And I don't know how to do that. The guy in Texas has me really spooked- I sure do hope we can pull this together before my FIL does something stupid with that guy. Like I said, I don't care what's in the will or what's in the power of attorney. I also have no interest in taking over control of any of their money. I just want them to get their ducks in a row and protect themselves! It's just so hard being 6 hours away, I work full time, DH works full time, and we have 2 small children. We barely have time to go to the grocery store. I don't know how we're going to pull this off. |
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 0:54:04 GMT
Please don't be hating on the NP. She is not qualified to diagnose your FIL or set a treatment plan. That's like asking an OB/GYN to do it. Not in their field, he needs to be seen by a specialist. My gastroenterologist's NP is very smart and knows what she's doing but she does not diagnose things without running it by her doctor. They aren't doctors and I'd be leary seeing one who thought they could do the doctor's job. Oh, I'm sorry that it came across that I was unhappy with the NP. Not at all. I've had great experiences with the NP's I've worked with in my own life. My thumbs down was due to the fact that I thought it sucked that after waiting 2 months they weren't able to get in with the neurologist who COULD prescribe meds and who COULD make a diagnosis. It just seemed like a wasted trip when, in my opinion, my FIL doesn't have the time to waste. It felt a little like a bait-and-switch. Seeing the NP would have been GREAT if it was to monitor an ongoing treatment plan... but a NP wasn't the appropriate person for THIS appointment with THESE people. And the office staff should have known that. Here: For your awesome NP daughter:  DOUBLE thumbs up to make up for my initial thumbs down. |
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 0:57:53 GMT
When my FIL was still driving but shouldn't have been and none of the kids would say anything to him, I simply called his doctor (whom I knew) and asked him to handle it. He did and my FIL never drove again. My brother talked to my late father and told him he wasn't capable of driving any more and that's all it took. My father never drove again. Does your DH agree that his dad shouldn't be driving? Would he be willing to have a heart to heart with him to tell him that? DH thinks FIL is fine to drive. And maybe he is! Maybe the physical deficits I saw don't have anything to do with FIL's ability to drive. I have no idea- truly. But I think it would be irresponsible to ignore the fact that it could be an issue. And if we tried to take away FIL's ability to drive...... Whoa. The shit would hit the fan, big time. I'll keep that in mind about utilizing the doctor as an advocate if it every got to that level, though. Another really good idea. |
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 1:02:53 GMT
Maybe even move them near you. Oh dear god, no. Please, no. For a whole lot of reasons. But I'm trying to start to come to terms with the fact that we might not have a choice. Not in the immediate future, I don't think. But... down the line. Maybe. I don't mean to sound heartless, even though I probably do. But that would just be very, very, very tough all around. |
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Post by txdancermom on May 29, 2015 1:20:46 GMT
your dh needs to sit down with them, and get things in order, and suggest that for "just in case" he be put on the bank accounts and on a POA to be able to help with the financial stuff. As for the TX financial guy - find out who that is and shut that down asap....that can't be good. We had something like that happen with my IL's and I was able to get them out of it by pleading to the party that took their money that there was some mental incompetence (not completely true) and that the family would consider bringing charges of abuse of an elderly person unless we got the money back.
Is there some reason they are living where they don't know many people? would they consider moving closer to family to be able to help with things?
good luck and prayers, it is not easy dealing with elderly parents.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 29, 2015 1:23:12 GMT
I am sorry. The financial vultures cold call seniors until they make a connection. It's awful. I've listened to father and FIL both turn them away, but it's scary hearing how close FIL came to giving out information.He's older and more cocky. I'm sure some callers are creating files for the future.
FIL had a bad reaction to meds post surgery and DH and SIL had to become involved in his financial affairs. It was insightful, and helpful since he's improved. Baby steps... they can now help with less drama if he needs it.
Good luck.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 29, 2015 1:42:37 GMT
your dh needs to sit down with them, and get things in order, and suggest that for "just in case" he be put on the bank accounts and on a POA to be able to help with the financial stuff. As for the TX financial guy - find out who that is and shut that down asap....that can't be good. We had something like that happen with my IL's and I was able to get them out of it by pleading to the party that took their money that there was some mental incompetence (not completely true) and that the family would consider bringing charges of abuse of an elderly person unless we got the money back. Is there some reason they are living where they don't know many people? would they consider moving closer to family to be able to help with things? good luck and prayers, it is not easy dealing with elderly parents. Be careful about being ADDED to financial accounts. My aunt was on my grandmother's checking acct. grandma had her account overdrawn and the bank tried to go after my aunt for the money, even though my aunt knew nothing about the bounced checks. If your FIL is into those get rich quick schemes, you could become liable. |
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,233
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on May 29, 2015 2:43:56 GMT
The long wait to see a specialist could be tied to Medicare. More and more physicians are limiting the number of both Medicare and Medicaid patients they see due to extremely low reimbursement rates by the government.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on May 29, 2015 3:14:25 GMT
I don't think that finding a lawyer to write a will and POA would be too difficult. Where in KY are they? Kentucky is a state full of small towns, and you can find lawyers in almost any county. A neurologist would be an entirely different matter.
Make sure that ILs have your DH listed on all doctor records for hippa purposes. you want to be able to access info in case of emergency.
Good luck!
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 3:17:02 GMT
Is there some reason they are living where they don't know many people? would they consider moving closer to family to be able to help with things? Since they've been married they have moved probably 20-25 times, always for a new job for FIL. This is just the last place they landed. FIL is actually still working. According to him, he was planning to retire this December, but his boss is making waves that he might be let go... or have his hours significantly reduced... sooner. I don't know if they would move- FIL is really attached to his half-completed fixer-upper house. We're the only ones who live up here, but they like us and the grandkids so that's a possibility.  BIL lives only about 90 minutes from them, but that would never happen. There are extended family (aunts and uncles) about 90 minutes in another direction- that would be a possibility too. If anything ever happened to FIL, then MIL would move in a hot minute. But as long as FIL is around.... I just don't know. |
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Post by Belia on May 29, 2015 3:22:50 GMT
Where in KY are they? Kentucky is a state full of small towns, and you can find lawyers in almost any county. A neurologist would be an entirely different matter. I don't want to be too specific (probably a little late for that... ha ha) but they are outside one of the major cities. They are NOT in the middle of nowhere. The idea that they're restricted with the doctor b/c of medicare is a very real possibility. I'm not sure if that's all they have or if he gets insurance through his job. |
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Post by georgiee on May 29, 2015 7:01:02 GMT
My mother lives outside of Louisville. I live outside of Lexington. I'm not divulging this lightly. My mom is on social security and Medicare. She had breast cancer last year (age 85). She was seen to right away. My father passed away 11 years ago to cancer and had excellent care. I'm saying this because I don't think Medicare has anything to do with your FIL's doctors or his appointments. Did he start with a good GP ? I have lots of family there with medical issues and they have always been seen promptly and had prompt treatment. So I don't think this is a Medicare doctor issue. Someone needs to be an advocate for them. Your husband may just have to make a trip to their home to really see what's going on before it's too late. University of Kentucky hospital has an excellent reputation if they are closer to Lexington. Pm me if you want more info. I would be glad to help
By the way, my mom had a lumpectomy and 12 weeks of radiation and is 7 months cancer free!
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Who told them she thought it was Parkinson's, but that he would need to see a specialist neurologist. IN FOUR MONTHS. 
)
DOUBLE thumbs up to make up for my initial thumbs down.
BIL lives only about 90 minutes from them, but that would never happen. There are extended family (aunts and uncles) about 90 minutes in another direction- that would be a possibility too. If anything ever happened to FIL, then MIL would move in a hot minute. But as long as FIL is around.... I just don't know.