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Post by bc2ca on May 29, 2015 18:23:12 GMT
{{{hugs}}} Brandy As others have said, it is a time of transition and it sounds like she only has your DH right now. My MIL was widowed almost 18 years ago and still needs DH to call her at least 6 times a week (and she has 3 other adult children to share the demands). As someone already said, the commute is a great time for a quick call. It is tough being in the middle of work demands and family time demands and now have another person wanting a piece of you when you are already stretched beyond the limit. Plus your DH is dealing with his own grief  . ETA: I posted before reading your updates & just want to say I never thought you were cruel & uncaring, just venting. My dad moved to a retirement community when my mom had to go into F/T care (Alzheimer's). He is 86 and his biggest complaint about the beautiful place he lives in, with tons of activities, is that he is surrounded by old people (which is true). |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on May 29, 2015 18:26:13 GMT
does she even know how to manage her own money, pay the bills, etc.? It sounds like maybe not; did her husband do all that stuff for her before?
If she doesn't know how to manage her finances and live totally 'on her own' then it may be tougher to get her to be less dependent on your DH than if she did know how to do those things. At the very least, she should find some local person to mow the lawn, etc. Your DH shouldn't have to drive over an hour to take care of her house on top of already taking care of YOUR house, if she has the financial ability to have someone in her area do it.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353 
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Post by brandy327 on May 30, 2015 2:08:58 GMT
does she even know how to manage her own money, pay the bills, etc.? It sounds like maybe not; did her husband do all that stuff for her before? If she doesn't know how to manage her finances and live totally 'on her own' then it may be tougher to get her to be less dependent on your DH than if she did know how to do those things. At the very least, she should find some local person to mow the lawn, etc. Your DH shouldn't have to drive over an hour to take care of her house on top of already taking care of YOUR house, if she has the financial ability to have someone in her area do it. She SAYS she knows how to manage money but that's the biggest crock of crap I've ever heard. FIL took over paying their bills years ago because she would just NOT pay stuff so she could go shopping. She's ALWAYS had a bit of a shopping/spending problem. It's worsened 10 fold since FIL passed away. So FIL made dh promise that if anything ever happened to him, that my dh would take over paying bills. MIL agreed 100% after FIL passed that he could do that. FIL had life insurance AND 401K so she ended up with a pretty large sum of money (for her anyway). We IMMEDIATELY got her an appt with her accountant (all of this WITH her consent since she lived with us for the few weeks following FIL's death) and decided that a trust setup would work best. As it turns out, her social security covers all of her bills...so the trust money she gets each month (quite a bit over $1000) is ALL fun money. We tried telling her that if she wanted to take trips (she said she'd like to travel more), rather than calling the accountant and getting extra money on TOP of the trust money each month, she could maybe save a few hundred each month. She agreed and said it was a great idea...but in actuality, she absolutely won't do it. She wanted to switch banks after FIL died so we got her set up with 2 accounts - the bill acct that her social security goes into and then a regular checking/debit acct that her trust money goes into. DH had mentioned to her a few times that she needed to live within her budget if she wanted to make her money last. Again, she's ALWAYS had spending issues and it's gotten worse in the last few months now that FIL isn't around to put a damper on her spending. Apparently, dh pissed her off enough with his comments about living within her budget that she had her online trust acct set up so that he now can't see into that acct so he has no way to monitor what she's spending. DH had looked what she was spending in a month and the amount of money she received should EASILY last her 20 years, which could very well be how long she lives as she's in good health. When he looked at what she was spending in a month, if she keeps spending at the same rate, she'll go through ALL Of her money in 6-7 years.  I love my dh very much...and I love my MIL, but it would not be good for ANY of us if she had to live here. She's VERY dependent on dh and it's not because she CAN'T do the stuff, it's because she's never had to do it. DH says he doesn't mind mowing her lawn and helping her around the house - he'd do that with his dad anyway (well not the lawn part). She lives in a mobile home retirement park so she has VERY little lawn and very little to do in the way of home repairs. A month or so ago, we spent an ENTIRE day helping her sort through their shed and getting rid of anything she didn't need/want. We've offered to come and help clean/organize the spare room in her trailer so that the kids can come and stay with her. She's bought SO much stuff that her spare room is SO full of stuff that the kids don't have anyplace to sleep because you can't get into that room. |
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Post by jamielynn on May 30, 2015 3:24:02 GMT
I have family that IS narcissistic among other things.
Your MIL seems to be going through the normal aging and grieving process which we have gone through with my MIL too.
For us what has worked great is to "schedule" her in, truly. She knows what days/times DH will be coming, and if our child will be along.
I really enjoy her and do my best to include her in our dinner plans1-2x weekly as well. I find her just knowing what to expect helps us all function as smoothly as possible.
We do drop by to visit her and call from time last minute to see if she wants to come with us places or for a last minute meal. However, when she knows Tuesday we are grilling and she's coming over she has something to look forward to, and keep her busy (shopping and cooking a dish to bring).
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Post by elaine on May 30, 2015 4:19:16 GMT
I hear your frustration - as I said before, it is hard on us when we transition into the sandwich generation. We have had to do a great deal for my MIL since my FIL passed away 6.5 years ago. And since both our boys have autism, I really would love the hours my dh spends each week on her to be spent here at home. AND, I understand that he also has a commitment to her, just as I hope that when I am where she is in life that someone will be there for me.
I am going to try to say this gently, because I don't mean to jump on you, but using the term "narcissistic parent" to apply to this situation is a slap in the face, and/or belittling to people who have truly lived through that. Your MIL is self-absorbed right now, and dependent on your dh, but narcissistic parenting is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. It is a lifelong process of making your children feel like second-class citizens. A lifetime of making every single event, from prom, to graduation, to college, to wedding, to having babies, etc., all about the parent, and never ever about the child who is actually accomplishing things. It is so much more than what you are venting about.
If your MIL was truly narcissistic, you would have "understood the narcissistic parent thing" when you became involved with your husband. It would have been obvious through his stories of growing up and your interactions, no matter how limited, with her.
I have been trying to figure out why your thread has nagged at me so much, and I think that in a nutshell it is that what you are going through is what most of us who are lucky enough to have parents alive when we enter middle age go through. It is tough. It sucks at times to have a parent as dependent on us as we were on them during all those years of childhood. It seems as unfair as those times when you would gladly your pay your weight in gold to take a pee or a shower without a toddler following you into the bathroom.
What you are going through, and your husband especially, is hard, it stinks. And it has very little to do with narcissistic parents.
(((Hugs)))
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I love my dh very much...and I love my MIL, but it would not be good for ANY of us if she had to live here. 
