brandy327
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Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on May 29, 2015 11:49:48 GMT
...until recently. FIL passed away in February and we're now having to deal with my MIL on a very regular basis. DH is an only child so there's no spreading the issues with another sibling. FIL used to tell us that she was MORE than difficult to deal with and on several occasions he told us he was finished with the marriage and was going to leave. Unfortunately, he couldn't afford to be on his own even though he was the breadwinner. I know he was on anti depressants and anxiety meds BECAUSE of her and I really do believe she's part of the reason he passed away so young.
Anyway, I FINALLY understand all the posts about narcissistic parents and having to cut off all contact sometimes. I get it. We're not to that point and I hope, for my dh's sake, we don't have to but it's getting more and more difficult to deal with her. I keep my distance as much as possible but poor dh takes the brunt of her crap. The latest was last night she told dh he could really call her more often. My dh leaves for work at 5:30 am. He works a high stress job. 3 days a week he leaves straight from work to go coach our girls soccer team. On those nights, he gets home from soccer practice, quickly eats and then needs to do some more work since he left a little early for coaching. The other 2 days, he's at work until 6:30 or 7pm, which means he doesn't get home until 8pm or after. Then he eats dinner, sees the kids for like 30 mins and then has more work to do. The weekend is currently consumed with soccer and house stuff (yard work, repairs, errands to run, etc). While SHE doesn't do anything but run the roads, spending money and eating out. Let me just say that it pissed me off greatly when she said that.
Deep breaths. LOTS of them. And pray for patience. Cuz I'm going to need it.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 29, 2015 12:01:32 GMT
Prayers for his & your sanity.
(((hugs)))
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CeeScraps
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~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
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Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on May 29, 2015 12:09:29 GMT
Can she receive texts? If so, maybe if he just shoots a smiley off to her it would help. She's lonely......
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Post by wandawoman on May 29, 2015 12:53:55 GMT
If she's like my mother she doesn't even realize how unreasonable she is being. My parents are 88 & 91 and we feel that they don't need to be alone so much, so we put our camper in their yard and spend 2 or 3 days a week there. One day we were talking about Mother's Day and I asked if she wanted anything special. She put on her 'pitiful me' voice and said, "Well, you could come to see me once in a while." I just sat there looking at her, and she said, "Oh." I think they just get in the habit of whining and don't know when to quit.
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caro
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on May 29, 2015 13:06:52 GMT
It's hard to understand a busy life when you don't live it anymore. She's lonely, she's grieving whether she acts it or not. My DH is an only child, his mother is 93 and has become obsessed with DH, totally, unreasonably obsessed. It's difficult. I tell DH to take a deep breath all the time when he's around her, which is almost every day.
Ask your DH to call her and just say I'm busy doing X but just wanted to say hello. Then hang up. It will help her.
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Post by elaine on May 29, 2015 13:20:55 GMT
Her husband/roommate/companion of 40+ years (I'm guessing) died only 4 months ago - she is lonely.
My MIL started eating out every night after my FIL died - she lost all desire to cook just for herself. Could you guys consider having her for dinner one night per week - something like Sunday nights? With regular scheduled contact, she might not seem so desperate.
I know it is hard to suddenly have another adult dependent on your spouse, but it isn't unusual and that, in itself doesn't qualify her for narcissistic parent status. You and your dh have just taken the step into the "sandwich" stage in life where you are still responsible for your kids AND now also responsible for your aging parents. Most of us go through it. (((Hugs))))
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Post by trixiecat on May 29, 2015 13:21:17 GMT
I have to say that we went through that a little bit with my MIL. She would throw digs about not seeing the grandkids enough and why doesn't my husband spend more time with his disabled brother, etc. My husband travels all the time and the weekends are also consumed with sports and other activities. But you know what, she passed away almost a year ago at the age of 87. And when I think back about her, I honestly wish we would have made a little more effort. I wished I would have made the kids call her at least every other week. I should have called her more and made an effort to take her to lunch one a month. She was passive aggressive and could say horrible things to us at times. But she bore the brunt of caring for her mentally disabled son for 49 years and took care of herself all on her own until she died. I just wish we would have done a little more for her and it probably wouldn't have changed her totally, but it would have showed we cared more and meant something to her.
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Post by disneypal on May 29, 2015 13:26:15 GMT
It's hard to understand a busy life when you don't live it anymore. She's lonely, she's grieving whether she acts it or not. Ask your DH to call her and just say I'm busy doing X but just wanted to say hello. Then hang up. It will help her. I agree. I can see what the OP is saying but when you are not leading a busy life, it is hard to understand how busy others can be. My DB passed away suddendly in October. My SIL has never worked outside of the home and she had one child and one grandchild, that live in another country. My neice is a very busy working mom and wife and is exhausted at the end of the day. She doesn't call often as a result (understandable) My SIL feels so lost and lonely and of course is still grieving but she just lights up when her DD calls. It helps more than anything in the world, even if they only chat 5 minutes during my neice's lunchtime. Perhaps your DH could call his mom just for a few moments during his lunch break about 2 or 3 days a week. I am sure it would cheer up his mom.
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BarbaraUK
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Jun 27, 2014 12:47:11 GMT
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Post by BarbaraUK on May 29, 2015 13:37:32 GMT
As others have said, she is lonely and is grieving, even though it may not look like it - and it is only four months since it happened! It is absolutely impossible to describe what that is like if it has not been experienced. Instead of all the negative thoughts about her, try being a little more understanding of her situation even if it is difficult at times. It's also a little bit harsh to blame her for your FIL passing away so young!
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lindas
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Jun 26, 2014 5:46:37 GMT
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Post by lindas on May 29, 2015 13:39:54 GMT
I don't think her wanting a phone call makes her narcissistic. Is making a 5 minute phone call every few days going to throw his schedule of that much???
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 9:31:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2015 13:44:49 GMT
As others have said she's grieving and lonely. She's mourning the loss of the man she spent goodness knows how many years with and unless that has happened to you it's impossible to say how you would navigate that new normal. However unhappy their marriage might have looked from the outside they did stay together so it can't have been all bad can it? Cut her some slack and really you have to stop blaming her for the death of her husband. Also is there any reason your husband has to be so busy? Maybe he should cut back on his commitments a little?
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Post by bearmom on May 29, 2015 14:04:27 GMT
It's hard to understand a busy life when you don't live it anymore. She's lonely, she's grieving whether she acts it or not. My DH is an only child, his mother is 93 and has become obsessed with DH, totally, unreasonably obsessed. It's difficult. I tell DH to take a deep breath all the time when he's around her, which is almost every day. Ask your DH to call her and just say I'm busy doing X but just wanted to say hello. Then hang up. It will help her. I agree. My MIL used to complain that we never called nor were we home when she called us. Then dh and I went on vacation for 2 weeks and MIL/FIL stayed with dds. When we got home she commented on how she now understood, and she wan't working! It's easy to hear how busy someone else is, but unless you are in the thick of it you don't really get it.
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on May 29, 2015 14:05:30 GMT
Like others have said she is lonely and trying to come to terms with her new reality.
If I was in your shoes I would deal with this in a number of ways, as well as your DH increasing his contact, phone calls or texts, whatever he can manage, I would also encourage your children to communicate with her. A card, photos, "guess what happened today Gran" phone call. I would be making a few calls too. This way it is a family response not just your DH.
At the same time, I would encourage getting her out of the house to do things that interest her, are there any clubs she can join? If not, has she any interests she can do online? If you know a local club that would interest her, then ask someone there to extend an invitation to her. It maybe too hard a task for her to go to a new club on her own/alone. She needs to feel welcome before she crosses the threshold. She need never know your involvement in getting the invitation extended.
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Post by eebud on May 29, 2015 14:06:11 GMT
I agree that she is grieving but I also understand the extra burden that puts on OP's family.
Does MIL have any interests that y'all can help her get involved with more often? Is there a senior center close to her where she can go during the day for companionship, playing cards, or whatever they do at the senior centers. I would try to help her get involved more with things she loves to do.
When my mother's husband died, one thing that really helped her is that she has some hobbies that she loves and things she likes to do in her area. It keeps her busy. She also has some close friends that she spends time with, some of them are also now widows.
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Post by houston249 on May 29, 2015 14:14:18 GMT
It is such a shame that she has always acted this way.
Not only does your family have to deal with the loss of your fil, now the barrier to her behavor that your fil provided is now gone.
Are you just venting or are you looking for coping skills to deal with her?
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Post by redayh on May 29, 2015 14:15:17 GMT
I agree that she's lonely. Her life partner passed away a short time ago. And if he really wanted to leave, he would have, so there must have been something he enjoyed about her. And it is just wrong to say she contributed to the death of her husband.
I just don't understand how it is narcissistic to want to talk to your kid/grandkids when you probably feel alone in the world.
But that's just me, I guess.
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Peamac
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Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on May 29, 2015 14:58:35 GMT
Can he call during his commute? That way there's a definite end time (when he gets to work or home), and she can understand how early he goes to work and how late he stays. Can you let the kids call when they're on their way to practice or a game? Again, they won't feel like they have to talk forever, b/c they will have to hang up when they arrive at their destination.
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Post by KikiPea on May 29, 2015 15:32:33 GMT
Praying for patience and sanity!
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Post by cyndijane on May 29, 2015 15:50:08 GMT
While I'm not quite there yet, I do have an extremely lonely MIL, who doesn't realize how negative she is. If you need a safe place to vent- please do, and don't let anyone quilt you. It's a new type of relationship, and it's not easy.
It means the world to my MIL when *we* reach out to her, in whatever form that takes. Text, call, email, skype, whatever. (We don't live close enough for frequent visits- which we're often reminded of.) But, it really does help when she knows she's not forgotten. And while sometimes she really just wants to talk with DH, he's not a talker. So we try to make sure the kids call/skype weekly, or they'll send pictures in the mail. Something just to include her in our lives, and ask about hers.
Hang in there, I know it's hard! Just another stage of life. Encourage your DH to foster a relationship with his mom, she needs him right now. I always tell myself that as a mom of boys, one day I'll be the MIL. They will most likely follow their father's path- whatever that looks like.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on May 29, 2015 15:52:20 GMT
I guess I should've mentioned that it's not like he doesn't talk to her. He talks to her no less than 3-4 times a week. Up until 2 weeks ago, we had her up here every weekend for dinner, most times to spend the night, and just hang out (she went visiting a cousin a few hours away and just got back last week). We've invited her to the girls' soccer games, out to dinner with us, etc. It's not like we ignore her or don't talk to her. We text with her frequently - including my kids.
I try my very hardest to put myself in her shoes and think about how difficult it must be. My mom lost my dad after 25 years of marriage and I know how difficult it was for her. So I try to keep that in mind when it comes to my MIL. While her intentions are usually good, she's difficult to deal with at best...and that's nothing new. At every turn, she really tries to bring everything back to her, again not something new for her but I guess it's just more pronounced now that we're seeing her a lot more than we ever have.
I'm sorry if I came across as cruel or uncaring. I guess I was just venting because we've done everything that we can to watch after her and help her out whenever we possibly can or when she asks (she's about an hour and 10 mins away from us). DH stops there on his way home from work when he can manage, he mows her lawn, pays her bills and does anything around the house she needs help with. And then for her to lay a guilt trip on him about calling more really hit a nerve.
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Post by cbet on May 29, 2015 16:06:37 GMT
Before we get to crazy jumping on the OP for not understanding how hard it is for her MIL now, reread the post. The "he could call more often" isn't the big issue - it's the latest in a string of issues. It's very possibly pretty small compared to what else has happened, it's just the most recent. We just don't know.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on May 29, 2015 16:18:13 GMT
I agree, she's lonely and grieving... but-
I'll probably get some flak here, but your DH can't be at her beck and call all the time-- he just can't. It's not good for him, or her, or your marriage. How old is your MIL, how close does she live to you, and how large is the town?? Does she drive, and are there any sort of facilities available for a senior center where she could spend some of her time? It would help her if she got out of the house and spent time with people of her own generation-- playing cards, socializing, etc.
My grandpa died when my grandma was in her 70s, and she lived on her own till she was in her late 80s. She lived across town from my parents (only about 1 1/2 miles away) and my mom (her only child) would stop by EVERY day on her way home from work. Grandma would worry if Mom came late (if the weather was bad, if she had errands, etc.), and Mom had to call her to let her know she was okay. Mom eventually took her grocery shopping or bought her groceries for her when Grandma finally stopped driving-- Gram ended up just sitting at home all day long in front of the television or doing crossword puzzles, if Mom and Dad didn't bring her over for lunch, out for the afternoon, what have you.
Grandma did NOT want to move out of her house, but she finally had to move into a nursing home after she started having mini-strokes and fell a couple times. It was SO hard on my Mom and Dad for all those years she lived by herself-- they couldn't go on vacations or out of town, and it was really stressful on them. Whether Gram wanted to admit it or not, she did better in the nursing home once there were things to do and people to talk to.
Not saying your MIL is ready for a nursing home, but she needs to find other activities and companionship (or you need to help her find them) besides your DH.
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calgal08
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Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on May 29, 2015 16:31:29 GMT
I agree, she's lonely and grieving... but- I'll probably get some flak here, but your DH can't be at her beck and call all the time-- he just can't. It's not good for him, or her, or your marriage. go on vacations or out of town, and it was really stressful on them. Whether Gram wanted to admit it or not, she did better in the nursing home once there were things to do and people to talk to.
I remember years ago my parents rolling their eyes at my Grandma who would tell them in great detail all about the neighbors health issues, give them every detail about her trip to the grocery store, etc. Guess what, my folks are now getting that way too. They don't understand the only time I can call them is on my way to the office. When they visit, they don't understand that we leave the house very early in a morning and get home late, which means we don't have the time or the energy to sit around.
I agree your MIL is now lonely, but, you still have to live your lives. I'm guessing, if you call her as many times as she's asking, in a few weeks she'll want more. The only suggestion I have is maybe you take over some of the phone calls from your husband. Maybe a couple of times a week, on your way to dropping the kids at school you give her a quick call to check in to make sure she's OK.
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brandy327
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Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on May 29, 2015 16:32:26 GMT
I agree, she's lonely and grieving... but- I'll probably get some flak here, but your DH can't be at her beck and call all the time-- he just can't. It's not good for him, or her, or your marriage. How old is your MIL, how close does she live to you, and how large is the town?? Does she drive, and are there any sort of facilities available for a senior center where she could spend some of her time? It would help her if she got out of the house and spent time with people of her own generation-- playing cards, socializing, etc. My grandpa died when my grandma was in her 70s, and she lived on her own till she was in her late 80s. She lived across town from my parents (only about 1 1/2 miles away) and my mom (her only child) would stop by EVERY day on her way home from work. Grandma would worry if Mom came late (if the weather was bad, if she had errands, etc.), and Mom had to call her to let her know she was okay. Mom eventually took her grocery shopping or bought her groceries for her when Grandma finally stopped driving-- Gram ended up just sitting at home all day long in front of the television or doing crossword puzzles, if Mom and Dad didn't bring her over for lunch, out for the afternoon, what have you. Grandma did NOT want to move out of her house, but she finally had to move into a nursing home after she started having mini-strokes and fell a couple times. It was SO hard on my Mom and Dad for all those years she lived by herself-- they couldn't go on vacations or out of town, and it was really stressful on them. Whether Gram wanted to admit it or not, she did better in the nursing home once there were things to do and people to talk to. Not saying your MIL is ready for a nursing home, but she needs to find other activities and companionship (or you need to help her find them) besides your DH. Thank you! I guess I needed just a little validation that he indeed can't be at her beck and call all the time. He tries really hard, we both do, to talk to her and keep her in the loop and invite her to do stuff with us whenever we can. I didn't provide a lot of details in the OP and that didn't help. My MIL is 65 and in very good health, other than being a bit overweight. She has some minor heart problems and needs to have a pacemaker put in over the summer. But she has no physical restrictions and drives without issue. She literally goes somewhere EVERY single day to shop for something. She lives an hour and 10 mins away from us in the town where she grew up. She goes out to eat a lot at the local diner and sees a lot of people she knows there. When my FIL passed, we tried talking her into staying working (she was only working part time anyway) for the social aspect. She wouldn't hear of it and retired immediately. She absolutely refuses to go to the senior center in her town touting that she's not going someplace to "hang out with a bunch of old people". She has a couple of friends she gets together with on occasion as well as a couple of cousins. But whenever we've suggested trying something new she immediately says no and has some reason why she can't/won't do it.
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Post by Really Red on May 29, 2015 16:52:53 GMT
I agree with the others; you're very busy and in that time in your lives and she is not. I remember when my kids were teeny tiny and there there 3 under 5yo, my dad just wanted to talk with me. I was stressed out all the time! I could talk to my mom for 2 mns or 20 mns, but my dad didn't get that. Finally, I said to myself, I am taking 20 mns on Tuesdays to call and just talk with him and I did. I didn't get to do it for long, because he passed away suddenly, but I will tell you, the one thing - the biggest thing - I remember is that I was able to talk with him for those 20 mns once a week (sometimes more, but always then). If you all can put his mom on a schedule and say do this: Son calls 1x week: 10 mns You call 1x week: 10 mns Kids call 1x week: 10mns You've got 30 minutes and 3 days I'm not sure how old your kids are, but if they can write her one card/month and you send it to her once/week, she gets 3 cards in a month. And then you say to yourself, I'm doing what I can. This is my limit and it is good. Otherwise it is ALWAYS on your back and ALWAYS a stress. When you know your limits and do something positive, then if everyone can't be happy, at least your family can. Good luck.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 29, 2015 16:57:19 GMT
She's a new widow and I would imagine the loneliness is intense. Perhaps your dh isn't there enough, but I don't know the dynamic. She needs her children more than ever and as busy as he might be and grief stricken over the loss of his father, he has you and the kids. She doesn't have that and nights are the hardest for her. I ike the idea of a text w/a smiley now and then. Can he take her to lunch once a week? Dinner w/you and your family once per week isn't too much to ask. She needs her loved ones. Spending time w/friends isn't the same as seeing your son and his family. The grandkids are the reminder about why she should continue living and that she has so much to live for.
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Post by christine58 on May 29, 2015 17:18:01 GMT
It sounds like she's choosing to be lonely honestly. She's young at 65. She CAN go to the senior center or find other things to do. Your husband is a saint doing all that he does in his job and what he's doing for her outside his family.
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Post by wallyagain on May 29, 2015 17:19:06 GMT
From your initial post, I would have expected her to be 85, not 65. I can't believe how dependent she sounds. Most of our friends that are 65 are still working and are all super busy. She's old before her time, that's for sure and it's not fair to your DH. It sounds like he's doing all he can and then some.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on May 29, 2015 17:26:39 GMT
I see that in your response, you said your DH goes over to mow the lawn, take care of the house, etc.
Is it a large house, and would there be any possibility of her eventually wanting to move out into someplace smaller that would be less work to take care of?
I'm asking because my BF's job takes him into MANY different senior care communities-- and most of them are really nice, and some are even pretty luxurious / posh. The larger ones can have activity rooms with state of the art sound systems so they can have performances, they have beauty salons, all sorts of activities, etc. Some of the 55+ communities around here have yoga, clubs for particular interests, arranged outings, etc.
I'm not saying she needs a nursing home or assisted living, but some of the larger communities are all-encompassing so you can start out in a separate cottage with your own kitchen and living space, and eventually move into assisted living if you need to. But, if she was looking to downsize, a place like that might be a possibility because it's not just 'old people' sitting around in a home, or whatever you might picture-- now some of them are really vibrant communities with all sorts of amenities-- just with safety assistance, less home maintenance, and meals if you need or want them.
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caro
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Post by caro on May 29, 2015 18:03:07 GMT
Your DH does a lot for her for one as young as she is. I'm 63 and I definitely don't want to be to my kids what you are describing. I really thought you were describing someone much older.
As hard as it is for your DH, don't let her put a guilt trip on him. He will need to stand up to her at some point as say he can't do it all for her.
Vent away here. I am glad you added more to your OP.
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