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Post by BlueDiamond on May 29, 2015 13:49:51 GMT
Hi all!
My oldest DD is 14, will be 15 in July. She has had a few 'boyfriends' before, mostly just hanging out at lunch, talking on the phone, etc.
She has a new 'boyfriend' now, and while we don't allow her to go to the movies with him unattended, we did let her go to dinner with him at Panera once, and go to the mall for dinner with him once. She and I both can't decide if they went on dates or not! LOL
So, what do you consider 'dating' at this age? DH and I both decided that she couldn't 'date' until she was 16, but I think our idea of that is going on one-on-one outings like movies, etc. with one of them driving. Are we being naive?
DD is very open with me about what she thinks about boys, sex, etc. and she doesn't feel awkward talking to me about those things. I have a pretty good idea about how she feels about sex, and is not ready for it now.
Anyway, just trying to head off any problems before they come up. TIA!
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 7:25:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2015 13:51:13 GMT
I think going to dinner either alone or with another same-age couple counts as a date.
ETA: I also think having a "boyfriend", talking on the phone, hanging out, etc, counts as "dating".
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Post by leannec on May 29, 2015 13:54:31 GMT
I would say that going out to eat by themselves should be considered a date  My oldest dd is 16 and has a serious boyfriend right now ... they hang out a lot but rarely go on official "dates" ... it's just not what the kids seem to do  |
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Post by kristi521 on May 29, 2015 13:55:52 GMT
I will be interested in seeing the replies. I have a daughter the exact same age. She also has a boyfriend. Right now, except for a chance encounter at Target, they haven't seen each other outside of school. I said that I am ok with group outings where he is there or a chaperoned event (I know that won't happen), but I am not ok with 1:1 dating yet.
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Post by BlueDiamond on May 29, 2015 14:02:40 GMT
I will be interested in seeing the replies. I have a daughter the exact same age. She also has a boyfriend. Right now, except for a chance encounter at Target, they haven't seen each other outside of school. I said that I am ok with group outings where he is there or a chaperoned event (I know that won't happen), but I am not ok with 1:1 dating yet. DH and I both think group outings are okay as well. I guess we felt that dinner at Panera was such a public place, and for such a limited time, they couldn't get into too much trouble! LOL Maybe we're hypocrites? I don't know. I guess we're just making it up as we go along! |
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Post by anxiousmom on May 29, 2015 14:24:33 GMT
It's funny in a way, I never had hard and fast rules about dating with my kids. I have more or less taken the cues from them.
Like right now I have a 16 almost 17 year old. He has been dating the same girl for a little over a 1 1/2 years. At first, they had to be driven places, which meant that they were usually with a group, but sometimes just the two of them dropped off at the movies. Even now, they do a lot with the same group of kids. Eventually, their behavior earned them trust with the parents, who allowed more time alone. Now, there are no restrictions at all. (No restrictions doesn't mean free reign, they still have curfews and are required to check in when they get places-not just me, but her parents as well.)
I guess I looked at it more as a 'are you mature enough to handle dating' kind of thing. The magic age of 16 wasn't the trigger for me as much as how he was behaving as he was getting more freedom.
Along with that was my theory that any time they spent together was a date. Hanging out with a group doesn't prevent intimacy (not sex, but emotional intimacy.) They still could talk, sit next to each other, hold hands, kiss, etc. To me that's a date. I never differentiated between group outings and dating one on one. That is why I generally went with maturity and behavior rather than age.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 29, 2015 14:29:28 GMT
I have no hard rules about dating either. I figure I will cross that bridge when I come to it. DD is now 15 and I can see her asking if the right boy came along. So I am not hard and fast like you have to be 16 or anything. I might allow a date if parents were driving and they were going to a public place. But I do consider one on one alone time to be a date. So I would consider her going to dinner with him to be a date.
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Post by BlueDiamond on May 29, 2015 14:32:09 GMT
anxiousmom - I really like what you wrote ... I guess that's kind of how we are handling it. Since she is our oldest, of course we set down rules that we *thought* we were going to follow (i.e., no dating until 16), but we are just really rolling with the punches! She is very mature for her age, so we are playing it by ear. I was just wondering if we were out of the norm, but it looks like we're not. First time milestones are sometimes hard to deal with!!!
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Post by melanell on May 29, 2015 15:00:08 GMT
I always joke with my son that it's not a real "date" if Mommy or Daddy still have to drive you to your destination.  So, I guess we have an idea of 16 being the magic "dating" age based on the fact that it's when they could go somewhere on their own. There is no public transportation here and no real walkability, either. So unless you're just hanging at home, you can't do much with a way to go someplace else. Now, we're not morons. Semantics are all well and good, but whether a kid is "dating" or just "hanging out" with his "girlfriend", he can still be doing things that could have life long consequences, so we have been talking to him about those consequences now and again for a few years now. But, serious or not, we do tend to view "dating" as something that involves just the couple, or a few couples, and does not require parental funding or transport. I am perfectly fine with taking DS & the girl he likes to the movie now, when they are both 12, and they can call it dating if they want to, but I'm not going to choose to all it that. However, no matter what any of us call it, we will continue to have conversations about respect, appropriate public behavior, safe private behavior, etc. |
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Post by AussieMeg on May 30, 2015 3:57:54 GMT
dh and I both think group outings are okay as well. I guess we felt that dinner at Panera was such a public place, and for such a limited time, they couldn't get into too much trouble! LOL Maybe we're hypocrites? I don't know. I guess we're just making it up as we go along! It almost sounds like you equate "dating" to having sex.  Going to dinner with your boyfriend is, in my book, definitely dating. Regardless of whether they got into too much trouble or not. |
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Post by BlueDiamond on May 30, 2015 20:52:01 GMT
AussieMeg - uh, no, I do not equate dating with having sex. It's just in the past, dinner and movie type things were dates, as well as either of them driving with no chaperone. It's a lot different now, and with this being my first DD to hit high school, I just wanted to get other opinions.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
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Post by scrapaddie on May 30, 2015 21:28:35 GMT
just for the record, you don't have to date to get into "too much trouble"!'
I had a student hide her pregnancy until her eighth month. Her mother was astounded because the girl had never dated!
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on May 30, 2015 21:37:34 GMT
I just told my 13 yo DD, (14 in a couple weeks) that if someone wanted to go 'out' with her, I would drive her to the mall. They could hang out together, but either myself or her Dad would be at the mall too.
There's someone she likes, and it's probably mutual from the way she talks about him. So I figured, with summer coming, maybe a chance to get together would be nice. She's a good kid, and I could trust her in the mall, just like her and her other friends...especially if she knows I'm there.
I don't think we will have any strict/hard rules, as much as just seeing how it goes, how much she can handle. She's level headed, and keeps the communication open with me. So for now, this is how it'll go.
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on May 30, 2015 22:37:34 GMT
I have two sons, my oldest is 21 and the youngest is 15 (16 in a few weeks).
When DS #1 was in high school (he was 16-17 during this time) he had a girlfriend who was younger than he was. I think she was 14 or 15. The could do school related activities together and I would drop them off at the mall so they could hang out together, but that was the extent of it. He didn't drive so it was a bit easier to control what they did and where they went.
DS #2 has had girlfriends and I have limited him to school related activities again. He talks to them on the phone and when there's a school dance or something of the sort they go together.
Thus far, doing this has worked out well for us. Neither one of my sons has had a girl come to our house to visit, nor have they been invited to the girls house.
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on May 31, 2015 0:31:52 GMT
Our rule for kids dating was 16. To me a date is going out on their own or with another couple. We didn't encourage group dates to places like the movies or out to dinner but did allow them to go to say a basketball game to meet their "boy/girlfriend." They were allowed to have boy/girlfriends before they were 16 and that person was allowed to spend as much time at our house as they wanted, in public areas, interacting with our family. They just couldn't go on dates by themselves. None of our kids ever had a problem with that though I did expect them to revel against it a little bit. lol
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Post by scrapmaven on May 31, 2015 3:38:04 GMT
I've always equated dating w/2 young people or "couples" going out to a meal or event. 16 seems like a reasonable age to start dating, but I'm happy w/teenagers who don't want to date, yet. No need to rush into anything while the hormones are raging out of control. 40 seems like a good time to start dating!  |
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Post by bc2ca on May 31, 2015 5:59:24 GMT
Any girls I know that weren't allowed to date until they were 16 also weren't allowed to have a boyfriend.
In my mind. you date first and that might end up moving into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Once you are boyfriend/girlfriend, any activity you do together is a date.
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Post by gar on May 31, 2015 6:22:20 GMT
If it's one on one time coupled with a 'romantic' interest it's dating but kids don't 'date' the way we did back in the dark ages so that can be anywhere, any time. I don't understand the 'some activities/locations are dates and some aren't' thinking.
And actually I think 'making it up as you go along' is best and most realistic in many instances. Setting hard and fast rules in advance doesn't always work, it's better, imo, to have an open mind, respond to the circumstances and decide on your boundaries as they're required and when you know what you're dealing with.
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So, I guess we have an idea of 16 being the magic "dating" age based on the fact that it's when they could go somewhere on their own.
Going to dinner with your boyfriend is, in my book, definitely dating. Regardless of whether they got into too much trouble or not. 
