Post by wrongwayfeldman on Jun 2, 2015 15:24:28 GMT
Our 3 bedroom house has always been a challenge when it comes to having separate bedrooms for our 4 kids. DH and I have our own bedroom, and the 4 kids have either had to share at one time or another, or use one of two other rooms in our house that are not technically bedrooms, but have worked in a pinch. One of those two rooms is what we call "The Window Room," as it is a small formal room right off our entryway with large windows. There has never been a door, only a large open doorway, and no closet. We recently installed a barn door. The other space is a small, bedroom-size room in our finished basement, but that room has no window, no closet, and is right off my home-day care space, so it's right next to the noise and activity of 8 small children.
Our 2 youngest, both boys now 9 and 13, have always shared a room with each other, or with one of the girls.
20 year old DD went away to school last year. She has had to share at one time, but the majority of her childhood was spent in one of the two "alternative" rooms by herself. When she was in the "window room," without a closet, it was not the greatest, (no privacy because of no door, no closet, windows open to the front porch so everytime someone walks up to the house, she feels exposed) but she made the best of it. When she was about 15/16, she moved to the basement room. Again, not ideal (no closet, no windows at all, musty smell once in a while, risk of water leaks made her need to keep her floors clear along one wall) but again, she was glad to have her own space so she made the best of it, never complaining except for lack of privacy and closet space, but she was always excited to make the space her own, and she is so creative that she "redecorated" every chance she got. It was always a cheerful and inviting space despite it not being the nicest structural room in the house.
Our now 16 year old DD has also shared, mostly with her sister as a child, even for two years with her baby brother while his crib was in her room and her bed was a couch in that same space. For about 5 years, though, she had her room to herself, and it was a traditional bedroom, decorated very cute, closet, window, etc.
When oldest DD went to college, in order for the two youngest to finally each have their own rooms, 16DD took over 20DD's basement room. In fact, 16DD didn't waste much time letting her sister know how much she wanted that basement room, and wasn't as sensitive about it as I would have expected her to be. 20DD was a little miffed at first, knowing that her younger sister was "swooping in" and taking over her room the minute she left for school, but understood the practicality of the situation: she knew she would be home only in the summer and at holiday break, and it would allow the younger ones, 9 and 13, to finally have their own rooms. So 20DD's things were moved out and upstairs, and her sister got the downstairs room. Coincidentally, it just happened that FINALLY the repairs could begin inside our house, and that basement room ended up getting fixed up a little bit. A wall was taken down, so the space was a little bigger, the foundation was repaired so no more musty smell, the walls were painted, and it became a more inviting space, but still no closet and no window.
We moved all of 20DD's things up to the "window room," and it looked pretty sparse when she came home that first summer, and she still had no door until we were finally able to install one a week before she went back to school. So basically she still lived with no door that whole summer, and the promise that we'd be fixing it up "any time now," but construction timelines do not always line up the way you want them to, and most of the interior work didn't start until the end of summer. That's also when we began remodeling our entire upstairs, resulting in the "window room" finally being a lovely space with a pretty door, beautiful new light fixture, leaks repaired in the windows, pretty curtains, and the perfect spot for when 20DD comes home from college.
Basically, each time oldest DD was in a room, it was kind of a dud, but whenever her younger sister took it over, timing and circumstances made it such that her room was redone and much nicer. We didn't plan it that way, but that's just how the timing and money fell into place. Sucked for older DD, but younger DD seemed to reap the benefit.
During the last few years, and all the while all these things have been going on (room changes/house remodeling/20DD moving away to college), 16DD has also been experiencing some very bad depression. When she is downstairs, she tends to spend a lot of time in her room, without sunlight/windows, isolating herself from the family, and that goes against everything her therapist wants for her daily routine. We have had her spend nights in her sister's upstairs space here and there to try it out, and those nights have been very positive. She's doing so much better, and I like having her "up in the house" with us rather than so far away "down in the basement." For that reason alone, DH and I want her to officially move upstairs, essentially taking over 20DD's brand new space. While I know that is the absolute BEST option for our family, I can't seem to get over feeling like I'm raking my oldest over the coals. I always want her to have her "own space" when she comes home from college, even if it does happen less often. When I first approached my oldest DD about this new plan, her feelings were hurt. Of course she wants the best for her sister, but I know she also feels like this house isn't really hers anymore, and she feels like her sister "took over" her original room, and now that the other space is the prettiest room in the house, she's taking over it as well. She "says" to go ahead and move her wherever we need to move her, but she seems to feel displaced and sad, and that breaks my heart. I haven't been able to make her see that I really do empathize with her over this, but I also feel torn. I always tend to overthink things and talk too much, and I'm sure my oldest is a little tired of hearing me fret about it all, but I do also see how she feels in all this.
Typing this all out makes me feel like I must sound really ridiculous. I know my oldest DD isn't selfish like it may sound, but she is very nostalgic and appreciates the memories of her childhood, and being so far away from home these last two years has made her miss out on a lot of changes in our family, with the whole remodel as well as the changes in her sister. I really think there are other communication and sibling relationship issues between those two that go beyond this room situation, and I'm sure that is making the problem bigger than it needs to be, but with her away at school, that's not something I can do much about right now. I have encouraged them both to work on their relationship, and I know that will come in time. In the meantime, I have to step up and be the parent, and this is another one of those times when I'm not going to be able to make everyone happy.
I guess I don't really have any questions, since I know what I need to do, I guess I just needed to vent. It sucks being the mom sometimes.
Our 2 youngest, both boys now 9 and 13, have always shared a room with each other, or with one of the girls.
20 year old DD went away to school last year. She has had to share at one time, but the majority of her childhood was spent in one of the two "alternative" rooms by herself. When she was in the "window room," without a closet, it was not the greatest, (no privacy because of no door, no closet, windows open to the front porch so everytime someone walks up to the house, she feels exposed) but she made the best of it. When she was about 15/16, she moved to the basement room. Again, not ideal (no closet, no windows at all, musty smell once in a while, risk of water leaks made her need to keep her floors clear along one wall) but again, she was glad to have her own space so she made the best of it, never complaining except for lack of privacy and closet space, but she was always excited to make the space her own, and she is so creative that she "redecorated" every chance she got. It was always a cheerful and inviting space despite it not being the nicest structural room in the house.
Our now 16 year old DD has also shared, mostly with her sister as a child, even for two years with her baby brother while his crib was in her room and her bed was a couch in that same space. For about 5 years, though, she had her room to herself, and it was a traditional bedroom, decorated very cute, closet, window, etc.
When oldest DD went to college, in order for the two youngest to finally each have their own rooms, 16DD took over 20DD's basement room. In fact, 16DD didn't waste much time letting her sister know how much she wanted that basement room, and wasn't as sensitive about it as I would have expected her to be. 20DD was a little miffed at first, knowing that her younger sister was "swooping in" and taking over her room the minute she left for school, but understood the practicality of the situation: she knew she would be home only in the summer and at holiday break, and it would allow the younger ones, 9 and 13, to finally have their own rooms. So 20DD's things were moved out and upstairs, and her sister got the downstairs room. Coincidentally, it just happened that FINALLY the repairs could begin inside our house, and that basement room ended up getting fixed up a little bit. A wall was taken down, so the space was a little bigger, the foundation was repaired so no more musty smell, the walls were painted, and it became a more inviting space, but still no closet and no window.
We moved all of 20DD's things up to the "window room," and it looked pretty sparse when she came home that first summer, and she still had no door until we were finally able to install one a week before she went back to school. So basically she still lived with no door that whole summer, and the promise that we'd be fixing it up "any time now," but construction timelines do not always line up the way you want them to, and most of the interior work didn't start until the end of summer. That's also when we began remodeling our entire upstairs, resulting in the "window room" finally being a lovely space with a pretty door, beautiful new light fixture, leaks repaired in the windows, pretty curtains, and the perfect spot for when 20DD comes home from college.
Basically, each time oldest DD was in a room, it was kind of a dud, but whenever her younger sister took it over, timing and circumstances made it such that her room was redone and much nicer. We didn't plan it that way, but that's just how the timing and money fell into place. Sucked for older DD, but younger DD seemed to reap the benefit.
During the last few years, and all the while all these things have been going on (room changes/house remodeling/20DD moving away to college), 16DD has also been experiencing some very bad depression. When she is downstairs, she tends to spend a lot of time in her room, without sunlight/windows, isolating herself from the family, and that goes against everything her therapist wants for her daily routine. We have had her spend nights in her sister's upstairs space here and there to try it out, and those nights have been very positive. She's doing so much better, and I like having her "up in the house" with us rather than so far away "down in the basement." For that reason alone, DH and I want her to officially move upstairs, essentially taking over 20DD's brand new space. While I know that is the absolute BEST option for our family, I can't seem to get over feeling like I'm raking my oldest over the coals. I always want her to have her "own space" when she comes home from college, even if it does happen less often. When I first approached my oldest DD about this new plan, her feelings were hurt. Of course she wants the best for her sister, but I know she also feels like this house isn't really hers anymore, and she feels like her sister "took over" her original room, and now that the other space is the prettiest room in the house, she's taking over it as well. She "says" to go ahead and move her wherever we need to move her, but she seems to feel displaced and sad, and that breaks my heart. I haven't been able to make her see that I really do empathize with her over this, but I also feel torn. I always tend to overthink things and talk too much, and I'm sure my oldest is a little tired of hearing me fret about it all, but I do also see how she feels in all this.
Typing this all out makes me feel like I must sound really ridiculous. I know my oldest DD isn't selfish like it may sound, but she is very nostalgic and appreciates the memories of her childhood, and being so far away from home these last two years has made her miss out on a lot of changes in our family, with the whole remodel as well as the changes in her sister. I really think there are other communication and sibling relationship issues between those two that go beyond this room situation, and I'm sure that is making the problem bigger than it needs to be, but with her away at school, that's not something I can do much about right now. I have encouraged them both to work on their relationship, and I know that will come in time. In the meantime, I have to step up and be the parent, and this is another one of those times when I'm not going to be able to make everyone happy.
I guess I don't really have any questions, since I know what I need to do, I guess I just needed to vent. It sucks being the mom sometimes.
