johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jun 2, 2015 20:20:31 GMT
Can you make both rooms "shared" rooms? Put 2 beds, clothes, etc in the window room and turn the basement room into a reading/tv/private space for the girls to share. Put a futon, tv, lamps, etc down there. Then when ODD is home either one of them can go somewhere to be alone but they both have the benefit of sleeping upstairs in the "nice" room.
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Post by moveablefeast on Jun 2, 2015 20:24:27 GMT
Can you make both rooms "shared" rooms? Put 2 beds, clothes, etc in the window room and turn the basement room into a reading/tv/private space for the girls to share. Put a futon, tv, lamps, etc down there. Then when ODD is home either one of them can go somewhere to be alone but they both have the benefit of sleeping upstairs in the "nice" room. I like this idea. The older daughter could have a space for her things when she's home in the nicer room, but also both would have a comfortable space to use in the basement. I think the key just is to make sure she has a nice place to stay when she's home. When I stopped having a nice place to stay at home I stopped going home. I would go home and have to sleep on the couch in the living room and my dad would wake me up at 5 am making coffee and listening to NPR at top volume. Easy solution was to just spend summers at school too.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jun 2, 2015 22:04:14 GMT
I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this: not only is the basement room not a real bedroom, it's illegal to use it as a bedroom because it doesn't have a window, and therefore no second route of egress in an emergency. There is no way I could have had someone sleep in that room; what if a fire blocked the exit through the other basement room? Only if it a rental unit. I don't think "illegality" extends to the family of residence. Here, it does. My neighbors bought a house and intended to use two of the basement "rooms" as bedrooms. They had to install egress in each room before the sale would be approved. I remember them telling us that the town building inspector came to see them in person to express that the lender had contacted them to check for building permits and that he would be checking to ensure that the work was done. He also said that if his office finds out that someone is using a basement room as a bedroom without any egress, they will be fined until egress is created.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 2, 2015 22:17:03 GMT
Only if it a rental unit. I don't think "illegality" extends to the family of residence. Here, it does. My neighbors bought a house and intended to use two of the basement "rooms" as bedrooms. They had to install egress in each room before the sale would be approved. I remember them telling us that the town building inspector came to see them in person to express that the lender had contacted them to check for building permits and that he would be checking to ensure that the work was done. He also said that if his office finds out that someone is using a basement room as a bedroom without any egress, they will be fined until egress is created. Yup, a basement room without an egress is illegal in a single family home in many places. Certainly is here. Maybe not the OP's state though. However it is certainly less safe. Any way to put a door to the basement room? A) that would make it safe in an emergency. B ) what college age kid wouldn't want their 'own entrance'?
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Jun 2, 2015 22:27:44 GMT
Just to clarify, the basement room actually has two doors: one on either side of the room. Just outside one of the doors is an exit to the outside and another exit to the upstairs.
Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions. I always think, why do I need Google when there are Peas?
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Post by hop2 on Jun 2, 2015 22:41:51 GMT
Just to clarify, the basement room actually has two doors: one on either side of the room. Just outside one of the doors is an exit to the outside and another exit to the upstairs. Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions. I always think, why do I need Google when there are Peas? Exit to the outside is great! Is there a way to make it a private entrance for college age DD to give her more independence?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 23:24:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2015 22:49:40 GMT
I haven't read any other replies, but my thinking is pretty straightforward. Your 20 year old daughter is away at college. She is still a member of the family but no longer a permanent resident of your home. It makes zero sense to me to have your 16 year old daughter in the basement when there is a better room in the house for her. She IS a full-time resident in your home - why should she have to live in the basement so 20 year old's feelings aren't hurt over something silly.
My parents turned my room into a guest room the first year I was in college. I was still welcome to stay there during breaks and summer, of course, but it was no longer *my* room, because I no longer lived there full-time. It never bothered me and I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 23:24:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2015 22:55:14 GMT
Can you make both rooms "shared" rooms? Put 2 beds, clothes, etc in the window room and turn the basement room into a reading/tv/private space for the girls to share. Put a futon, tv, lamps, etc down there. Then when ODD is home either one of them can go somewhere to be alone but they both have the benefit of sleeping upstairs in the "nice" room. How lame for the daughter who lives at home full time!
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 2, 2015 23:22:08 GMT
Hopefully your eldest will see her sister's need and be fine with it. Kids can make you feel so badly even when they aren't trying. If you don't act like you feel too badly about it, she will likely get over it more quickly. I like the idea of getting her something nice for being there for her sister. One year my youngest asked me to forgo his Santa gift. It is the big one. He wanted his older brother to have something the eldest wanted and was way more expensive than what Santa would bring. He said he didn't want anything from Santa. We did what he asked, and I have more than made up for that act of generosity in the following Christmases. I think it was a defining moment of character during the selfish teen years.
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Post by nyxish on Jun 2, 2015 23:36:46 GMT
My situation is way different, because i am an only child, and my situation was about my bedroom at my dad's house.
When my parents got divorced, i was 16, and it was ugly. i went back and forth at lot, kinda lost a lot of the relationships with either of my parents...but i developed a very strong need for a sense of home, and a place to belong. Even now, when stressed, i immediately fall back emotionally into a "protect my house" mindset. Not always great, but i at least know why. Anyway - i had a room at my mom's house, and a room at my dad's house and my own car and i managed. One day i came home from college to my dad's house... and my room was just gone. It has been totally made over into a guest room, and no one had thought to mention it. i just stood there in the doorway... and... well, had a very silent, very internal total breakdown. My poor not-very-emotionally-expressive dad was... rather at a loss. i turned around, left the house and have never stayed at my dad's house again. (not out of a snitfit, but... there just wasn't anywhere that was mine, so i always ended up either at a friend's house or at my mom's.)
Point being: i totally get your feelings that your eldest DD has been screwed over in the room department, and i can totally understand her feelings of being shoved out of her space, especially when it's finally someplace cool... because ...yeah, she kinda has been. That being said, it sounds like you have had a talk with her about this and while she can own her emotional response, she is dealing ok. Maybe some heart to heart acknowledgement of "yes this sucks, you know I never wanted it to work this way, I'm sorry it did" would help? i mean, it's not world ending, and is part of kids' leaving the nest, and growing up, and no matter what, DD16 with depression can't stay in the basement room. So. You're doing the right thing, it's ok that it sucks and to be able to acknowledge that.... but keep doing the right thing.
<3 Best of luck with changing family dynamics.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 3, 2015 0:07:06 GMT
Life transitions are hard.
A twenty-year-old is old enough, however, to cope with one, particularly for the health and well-being of a minor sibling who lives in your home.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jun 3, 2015 0:08:29 GMT
Why would you feel the need to maintain a space in your home for an adult child who likely won't be spending much time there anymore? In my opinion you need to use the space for your family that lives there full time. I know your DD feels kind of bad about it but leaving the nest is part of growing up. I don't think you "owe" her anything. You do what you need to do with the resources you have when they need doing. I'm sure there are plenty of things your oldest had that your youngest children won't. Live isn't a scorecard and it's not always fair. It just is.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 3, 2015 0:09:57 GMT
I will say, it is in light of things like this (you are far from the first person whom I have talked to who has dealt with these sorts of issues with their kids) that I have told my oldest exactly what the timeline is on rooms in our house. We are moving and she is getting a ginormous, private room with her own full bath. My nine-year-old is getting his own very small room, with a bathroom he will have to share with the rest of his siblings, and the other four kids are going to be two to each of the other mid-sized bedrooms. When she leaves for college, I am not keeping her room as a nature preserve for her.
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Post by candleangie on Jun 3, 2015 2:24:14 GMT
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Post by Linda on Jun 3, 2015 4:21:30 GMT
I will say, it is in light of things like this (you are far from the first person whom I have talked to who has dealt with these sorts of issues with their kids) that I have told my oldest exactly what the timeline is on rooms in our house. We are moving and she is getting a ginormous, private room with her own full bath. My nine-year-old is getting his own very small room, with a bathroom he will have to share with the rest of his siblings, and the other four kids are going to be two to each of the other mid-sized bedrooms. When she leaves for college, I am not keeping her room as a nature preserve for her. my oldest is also well aware that his room is only HIS as long as he's living in it fulltime - he leaves for boot camp in Nov and I already foresee a room swap happening as my middle child wants his room and my youngest wants hers...and the other room will probably become a guest/craft space. My parents moved the week after I left for college -when I came home at Christmas, I slept in the guestroom at the new house (which I hadn't even seen beforehand)
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Post by lightetc on Jun 3, 2015 4:42:45 GMT
To be fair to your eldest, she has said go ahead and move your 2nd. I don't think it's unreasonable that she feels a little displaced throughout this, as she's in a weird transition between where home really is. I remember at that point in my life "I'm going home" meant to my parents place if I was at college and back to college when I was at Mum and Dad's. I couldn't quite figure out where I wanted to be and I'm pretty sure if my room had disappeared at that point I would have had to do some serious attitude adjustments to prevent myself saying something nasty.
And so, go ahead and move everyone. I think expecting her to be excited or pleased about the move is pushing it a little considering the circumstances. It's not like she's throwing a tantrum and demanding to keep the upstairs room. She'll get there. And her own place will help. When I moved off campus and rented a house (with friends) my parents turned my room into a guest room. At that point it wasn't nearly as big a deal because somewhere else was actually mine.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 3, 2015 5:11:29 GMT
This might depend on the state? We have friends in STL who have 2 finished rooms in their basement. Only one has windows- and they were told of they ever sold the home, the interior room couldn't be listed as a bedroom because there aren't windows. CA is the same. A legal bedroom must have a window with a certain clearance and a closet. Sorry to hujack, but it is not just basement rooms. We have friends that built a house & they had to remove the closet from the third bedroom on the second floor to get an occupancy permit because the window they put in was 2" too narrow for the room to be used as a bedroom.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,947
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jun 3, 2015 12:06:21 GMT
Only if it a rental unit. I don't think "illegality" extends to the family of residence. This might depend on the state? We have friends in STL who have 2 finished rooms in their basement. Only one has windows- and they were told of they ever sold the home, the interior room couldn't be listed as a bedroom because there aren't windows. Yes it does. We have what was originally listed as a 3 bedroom rambler. It could have been listed as 4 bedrooms because of a large office/bedroom in the finished basement. The previous owners then took the large rec room and made another "bedroom" and it could only be listed as one because it had a window. The agent stated that bedrooms must have a window for escape purposes.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,087
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Jun 3, 2015 12:06:39 GMT
I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this: not only is the basement room not a real bedroom, it's illegal to use it as a bedroom because it doesn't have a window, and therefore no second route of egress in an emergency. There is no way I could have had someone sleep in that room; what if a fire blocked the exit through the other basement room? I agree that it is unwise to use the basement room as a bedroom, but it isn't "illegal" to use the room any way you want in your home. It may be "illegal" to rent it as a bedrooom or to advertise it as a bedroom when you sell the house, but the owner can let someone sleep anywhere they want.
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Post by auntkelly on Jun 3, 2015 13:10:04 GMT
It sounds to me like your older daughter understands why you switched the girls' bedrooms. I suspect you worry about it more than she does.
I agree with those who suggested you make her feel very welcome when she comes home. I would probably buy a little bouquet of fresh flowers and put them in her room when she comes home. Nothing brightens a room like fresh flowers.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jun 3, 2015 13:21:30 GMT
I am of the opinion that once a child officially embarks on their own life journey, the space that was previously occupied by that child reverts back to me to use as I see fit. That does not mean that the child doesn't have a place to come home to, they do, it just might not be what they left. As someone else said, they will always have bed, but maybe not a room.
I figure if a kid is old enough to be spending the majority of their time away pursuing their own life, then they have a 'home' somewhere else. When they come 'home' they are coming to our space for the love and warmth of family, not a bedroom that has been turned into a museum to memorialize their youth.
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