J u l e e
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Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jun 4, 2015 19:32:21 GMT
What would be your reason for not wanting them to hear this particular information? I get not wanting kids to hear sensitive, private, or "inappropriate" information that you don't think they could handle due to age or maturity. But I wouldn't think twice about this conversation in passing with a child.
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tiffanytwisted
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you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jun 4, 2015 20:33:35 GMT
Thanx for the responses, ladies!
If it came across that I thought it was a big deal or wrong that she was told, I apologize. I didn't mean it to sound that way. What people choose to tell or choose not to tell their kids (and the reasons why) is their own business. I'm sure I tell my kids things others wouldn't and vice versa.
I was more curious about my other sister's thoughts that it was lying.
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Post by auntkelly on Jun 4, 2015 21:38:51 GMT
I don't think it's a big deal that your niece was told why her aunt & uncle came home early from their trip, unless the aunt and uncle indicated that they wanted the matter kept private.
It is frustrating when parents over share with their kids. My friend's daughter came home from pre school crying one day because one of her classmates told her about my friend's previous marriage. My friend had always planned to tell her daughter about her first marriage, but she didn't think she'd have to do it before her daughter started kindergarten. When my friend confronted the other mother, she freely admitted she had told her daughter about the previous marriage when the daughter asked her if she knew anyone who was divorced.
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Post by polz on Jun 4, 2015 22:11:55 GMT
I honestly can't figure out why you think the niece shouldn't have been told. What's the big deal? This. People get sick all the time. Why would it be a secret?
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 4, 2015 22:28:56 GMT
To not share everything is not the same as lying.
In this case, I don't have a problem with your sister sharing the truth. One of my kids at 8 would have wanted the details and more, the other would just want to know what time I was going to be home and who was getting dinner.
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Post by myboysnme on Jun 4, 2015 22:59:07 GMT
I tell my kids way more than they want to hear. I don't have much filter, but they are quite clear about what they are willing to hear and what they are not.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jun 4, 2015 23:12:33 GMT
. . . and is it lying if you don't? Let me elaborate. My sister K and her husband (who have no kids) just got back from a vacation at an island resort. They came back midway thru their trip because my brother-in-law was sick (food poisoning, virus, no one knows what it was). While they were packing, K emailed our other sister, N, to have her pick them up at the airport. They got home fine, he's feeling a little better, so all is well. In talking to K today, it somehow came up that my 8 yr. old niece (N's daughter) knows what went on. I said I didn't see why she was even told as the whole thing had no bearing on her life. If my brother-in-law had ended up in the hospital or something, then fine, but I didn't see the need to tell her about him getting sick, the vacation ending early, her father picking them up at the airport, etc. My sister said that if she hadn't been told, it was like lying. The conversation was actually more detailed, but I don't want to bore anyone, so that's the gist. I disagreed. Not only do I not think they need to know everything, I don't think not telling them certain things is lying. So do you think it's lying? Based on what you've said, no I don't think it would be lying, if the children didn't know the full details of what was going on. It didn't affect them, so I don't see how it was their business.
Not telling someone business that isn't there isn't the same to me as lying.
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Post by gramasue on Jun 4, 2015 23:14:55 GMT
Not a biggie, telling the niece about what happened. However, no, I don't think kids need to know every single detail of every single thing going on in our lives. And it is not lying if you choose not to tell them certain things. As a parent, you use your own discretion regarding this and it should be based on the event, the age of the child, etc.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
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Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Jun 4, 2015 23:27:50 GMT
In this case, there's no harm in them knowing. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell them because why would they care. But if they ask, I would tell them. And other cases, I would not tell. For instance my daughter still has no idea about how and why her father and I nearly divorced seven years before we actually did divorce. That's something she doesn't need to know, and she's 33 now.
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Post by disneypal on Jun 5, 2015 0:09:19 GMT
I don't think kids need to know everything and I don't consider it lying by not telling them.
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Post by missfrenchjessica on Jun 5, 2015 0:19:51 GMT
My children do not need to know everything I know. Children don't have the same maturity and life experience to process some information. Sometimes, it's not appropriate. Sometimes, it's embarrassing (for me or someone else). Sometimes, I just don't feel like explaining everything.
I'm the adult. If my children NEED to know something to help keep them safe, then, yes. I tell them everything. Otherwise, no. I don't and it's not lying.
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caro
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Jun 5, 2015 0:39:15 GMT
I don't see why one wouldn't relate this particular story to an interested 8year old. But in general, no of course we don't share everything with the children. We are adults. They are not. And no, it's not lying. If there was a reason to not share something, just say "that's not any of our business" and move on. exactly this. I agree.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 5, 2015 0:50:41 GMT
I try to be transparent unless there is a reason not to tell my daughter.
A few months ago we had a conversation about me dating. I said since her Dad and I divorced 5 years ago I had gone out on dates... but not dated anyone. (I think the most I have dated is I went out with a guy about 5 times in 4 months) My daughter accused me of lying and she was visibly upset. It was a long conversation !! I was firm that it was my life and I did not have to tell her every detail.
I never lied to her. most of the "dating" and believe me it is so little I couldn't believe I was having a conversation about it. But most of the dating was done when she was at her Dads. I never lied if I was going out on a date and she was around, I would typically leave after she went to bed, and would tell her I was going out for dinner with a friend. If she ever asked who it was I would say, oh you don't know him, and she would fine.
She felt very betrayed. I was surprised how strong her feelings were.
All this to say I think some people are more sensitive to not being told information, and therefore might consider "lying" differently than others. I have no problem telling my daughter that something is not her business.
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Post by cherrie on Jun 5, 2015 0:54:47 GMT
In this case..no big deal either way but I vehemently dislike family secrets!
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 19:23:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2015 0:55:29 GMT
Chances are my child/children would know in the situation you described because they're around, not because not telling them would be lying. It would be a very simplified version of what happened.
However, if it was something that didn't directly involve them and they weren't present for, probably not. And I wouldn't view it as lying.
I wouldn't say that we shelter our children, but they get information on a need-to-know basis and based on the maturity levels. I have seen many parents do what I would consider oversharing. There's a difference between being honest with your children and placing a burden on them, or telling them information that is just plain not their business.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 19:23:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2015 1:01:46 GMT
My son is 19 and I don't give him every single detail what's going on at home i.e. the dog in the avatar and when my mom first got sick. He did find out as a) he needed to know, but he is on a need to know basis with Granny and b ) the dog - he came home last weekend and I told him gently. (My son is a man's man. He is into cars, video games, electronics, paintball, building things, and other stuff he does with his guy friends, but he is super sensitive. I have to watch how I speak to him, what tone of voice to use and how to broach subjects with him. )
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IAmUnoriginal
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Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Jun 5, 2015 1:32:38 GMT
I'm pretty open with my boys at an age appropriate level. If asked why I was going to the airport, I'd share the story in your OP with my 15 year old and my 4 year old. I don't see a big deal about uncle being ill and cutting vacation short. It's a good lesson in helping family and dealing with the unexpected while traveling, too.
Here's a for instance...my BIL (23 or 24) is struggling in a very big way with OxyContin addiction. It came to light just about 2 years ago, after we'd been out to the east coast to visit that part of DH's family. ODS, 15, knows the basics of what's going on and why we haven't seen that uncle in a while. He knows BIL was in treatment twice, out of state once, went home from both and relapsed. He did not know that BIL recently went missing for over a month, because that would have worried him too much. We shared after BIL was found and detoxing. ODS also does not know about some of the things BIL has done while using -- stealing money, using his parents credit cards, dealing, etc -- because we don't want to entirely tarnish his image of his uncle. I don't know if ODS is mature enough or has learned enough about drug addiction to be able to separate the addict behavior from his uncle's normal self. If BIL gets clean and chooses to share his story with DS in the future, it's his to share. YDS, 4, doesn't remember BIL except to identify him in pictures from our visit. He can't comprehend drug addiction or learn anything from discussing BILs struggles, so he doesn't need know the scary stuff. I'm not lying to him. I'm simply choosing to shelter him from something he isn't ready to process. ODS is in a place where he can process the information, empathize and learn from his uncle's struggles. Both boys know that BIL isn't able to come visit right now. YDS's version of the story is that uncle lives far away and is too busy to travel right now.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jun 5, 2015 1:47:22 GMT
. . . and is it lying if you don't? Let me elaborate. My sister K and her husband (who have no kids) just got back from a vacation at an island resort. They came back midway thru their trip because my brother-in-law was sick (food poisoning, virus, no one knows what it was). While they were packing, K emailed our other sister, N, to have her pick them up at the airport. They got home fine, he's feeling a little better, so all is well. In talking to K today, it somehow came up that my 8 yr. old niece (N's daughter) knows what went on. I said I didn't see why she was even told as the whole thing had no bearing on her life. If my brother-in-law had ended up in the hospital or something, then fine, but I didn't see the need to tell her about him getting sick, the vacation ending early, her father picking them up at the airport, etc. My sister said that if she hadn't been told, it was like lying. The conversation was actually more detailed, but I don't want to bore anyone, so that's the gist. I disagreed. Not only do I not think they need to know everything, I don't think not telling them certain things is lying. So do you think it's lying? I don't tell my kids everything, but I wouldn't think anything of telling them this. It's not a secret, it's not anything at all, it's just something that happened. I talk around and to my kids all the time. It's has no bearing on her life to not know, but I don't think it has any bearing on her life to know either.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jun 5, 2015 1:48:33 GMT
Thanx for the responses, ladies! If it came across that I thought it was a big deal or wrong that she was told, I apologize. I didn't mean it to sound that way. What people choose to tell or choose not to tell their kids (and the reasons why) is their own business. I'm sure I tell my kids things others wouldn't and vice versa. I was more curious about my other sister's thoughts that it was lying. I would not think of it as lying if it didn't come up around the kids, but I would if they kid asked and I made up some random story.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
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Posts: 4,546
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jun 5, 2015 3:01:47 GMT
I don't see why one wouldn't relate this particular story to an interested 8year old. But in general, no of course we don't share everything with the children. We are adults. They are not. And no, it's not lying. If there was a reason to not share something, just say "that's not any of our business" and move on. I agree.
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Post by mztfied on Jun 5, 2015 3:14:04 GMT
I definitely do not tell my kids everything. They are both grown and in their 40's. They do not need to be concerned about old Mom's problems until they need to be. I have no need to burden them with my every day problems. If there is something serious of course I would tell them.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 5, 2015 3:59:31 GMT
In answer to your question, no I do not think it is lying to NOT tell a child what is going on.
But, I also do not see the big deal in telling the niece why they came home early. She may have been told as an explanation as to why they came home early, or it may have just come up in conversation: "Oh, poor Aunty K and Uncle X had to come back from their vacation early because Uncle X got sick."
You're right, kids don't need to know everything, but to me that's something that I would have mentioned to my kids in passing without a second thought.
I'll give you an example of something that should NOT really be shared with younger kids: One of DD's Year 12 classmates committed suicide recently, and the school had to postpone DS's entrance interview that day. I stupidly told DS why it was cancelled. I should have just told him that a boy had died, but instead I came right out and told him that the boy committed suicide. I'm a bloody idiot for giving him too much information, and I could have kicked myself as soon as the words were out of my mouth. But no, at least I didn't give him any details.
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Post by smokeynspike on Jun 5, 2015 5:31:33 GMT
Yeah, that isn't lying in my book either. I don't feel the need to tell my 11 year old everything, but I wouldn't have thought twice about telling her about that situation either. Seems like no big deal.
Melissa
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SuPeaNatural
Full Member
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Jun 27, 2014 8:49:11 GMT
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Post by SuPeaNatural on Jun 5, 2015 5:48:48 GMT
I didn't and still don't tell my (now adult) kids everything. They don't tell me everything either.
I this case, I wouldn't have said anything to her, unless she overheard the adults talking about uncle and asked what was happening. Then I'd have told her that he got a bit sick and had to come home, but he'll be fine. That's all, at 8 she doesn't need to know the whole story, and probably isn't interested in details anyway. And I don't think that's a lie - she's 8 and doesn't need to know everything.
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PLurker
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Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Jun 5, 2015 5:53:05 GMT
I tell kids what I feel is appropriate and they can handle. The mentioned situation would be no big deal but I do not think kids need to know everything, and it is not lying. Especially if it is something that could harm them in one way or another and it is not necessary to tell them. Age appropriateness also comes in to play big time. Of course, on the other hand, if my kids ask me something I tell them an answer that is the truth with no more than they can handle. Don't hide what is unnecessary to do so. DD (now senior for 1 more day-Graduating this weekend-gasp!) just recently told me a teacher in 5th or 6th grade yelled at her for telling a friend what "gay" was. She had asked me at some time earlier and I simply told her it's when a boy loves a boy or a girl loves a girl ( or something simplified like that) without getting into the sex part. All she needed to know at that age. She was not shocked or anything- seemed simple enough to her, so when she told someone in a matter of fact way with no judgement one way or another, and got yelled at, she was taken aback- as in what's the big deal? I don't see holding back info just if it makes you uncomfortable as a good option. Just keep it simple. Sometimes we get caught up in "how to explain this" and feel the need to plan a lengthy story answer (like this post ) when really a simple few word answer satisfies them and is all they were looking for. Expand on it later when necessary/age appropriate.
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SweetieBsMom
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Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jun 5, 2015 14:27:32 GMT
DH has cancer. It's terminal. He's gets chemo every 2 weeks and will until he can't. DS is turning 12, is on the spectrum and is VERY sensitive. He knows his father is sick. He knows he goes to the hospital and has come with us on occasion. We haven't told him that this illness will end in DH's death. Not yet. DH is functioning fairly normally other than not working and being extremely tired. DS loves that Dad is home and DH is making the most of the time they have together. If we were to tell DS now, he would be all consumed by fact that DH is dying. He wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would be sad and crying all the time. So, until DH starts to deteriorate, we're lying by omission. It's what's best for our family.
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bethany102399
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Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Jun 5, 2015 14:31:03 GMT
thank you Freebird. I just spit coffee all over my keyboard. high five.
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bethany102399
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Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Jun 5, 2015 14:32:55 GMT
SweetieBsMom hugs to you, and your family. Cancer sucks (well I have other stronger words for it) and has taken far too many people close to me.
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sharlag
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Posts: 6,580
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 5, 2015 14:34:12 GMT
I think the info your neice was told was so mundane that it wouldn't matter if she knew or not. I think that's nonsense. Yeah, it just doesn't strike me as dramatic or disturbing enough to be concerned about telling it or not. There ARE things I didn't tell my small children though.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jun 5, 2015 14:44:19 GMT
I would have told my kids. My 10 year old asks a lot of questions and would wonder why we were arriving home early. I don't see the big deal of telling your kids this. My son also is very routine driven and likes to know what is on the daily agenda, so he would have definitely questioned what was going on.
Do I tell my kids everything, no, but they are usually in the loop about what is going on even though they are not aware of all the details.
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