family issues wwtpd..UPDATED

I don't see any issue with what you did, your house your rules - and if your niece was about to pick up something she shouldn't, then she has to be told No....

I would not go over and apologize - I am sure your niece is asking to come see her cousin, and sooner or later she will come over (or when she needs a sitter). at that time, make it clear that if niece does something in your house that she shouldn't you will tell her no and discipline her, and if she cries - she cries....that is what 3 year olds do.

jmho

Oh, gosh, that really puts the pressure on - all you have is each other, and no mom to help out.

Ok you said "buzz" when she tried to touch something on your night stand. Buzz/bzzz or NO all mean the same thing. If she continued to do it (because I have seen some kids who are real little sh!ts) I would have slapped her hand. Don't touch my stuff. That means ever. If the kid went running to mummy because auntie said buzz or slapped her hand, I would not buy into her grudge and will ignore her until she gets over it. This is not your circus. This is a discipline problem with your niece and her mother.

I would be very shocked if you actually lost your whole relationship with your sister over something so inconsequential. Don't you think she'll eventually come around? 

Someone once told me that the person who tries to make the reparation is the person with the stronger ego. With that in mind, I should tell you to reach out to her and try to settle things.

But I won't because I'm stubborn and she's been given enough free passes. I'd let her stew in her own juices for a while.

I got confused reading the OP to be honest. What is a "bap". Why do you have to use a buzzing sound to stop her from doing something? does she have communication issues that prevent you from say "don't touch that". I admit I would be annoyed if people used weird noises to correct my kids instead of talking to them. I find it more harsh and animal like. I don't have a problem with them being corrected but use words. it wouldn't be enough for me to give someone the silent treatment.

Relationships are always give and take and to some degree unbalanced. It ebbs and flows and one will always seem to give more then the other at different times. It depends on how important your sister is to you and your relationship with your young niece.

Remember, if you continue to "dance to your sister's tune" you are teaching the sister that her behavior is just fine.
You are training the sister to have a fit to get what she wants.

Very painful to change your behavior and therefore your sister's behavior.  Pregnant or not, it is time to break the cycle.

I would not apologize, you are not wrong. Don't let her walk all over you. I would just act like nothing is wrong. She is the one that should feel guilty, not you.

I have also learned in the last year due to a family member having a major illness (that was essentially terminal) that it doesn't give other family members a free pass to treat you like crap either. I completly agree that she is treating you like a servant and the longer she does the worse things will get. It could be possible that she never tells her niece "no." I have seen the consequences to the child, as an adult and they suck. In other words I now have a a maladjusted adult as a step-cousin who is seriously messed up.
I also agree that your sister needs some tough love here. I'd lay out what your concerns, expectations, and boundaries are.

I guess I don't even understand why you feel like you need to apologize. Why can't you just go over/call and say "DD wants to play with niece, can she come over?".

I think you need to set boundaries. Your sister is coming to your home to watch tv shows she dvr'd at your place, you are cleaning, and she isn't watching her child. No thanks, I am normally someone shoe doesn't mind someone popping over unannounced but she is wearing out the welcome mat.

OP I think I know somewhat how you are feeling because I have a sister a bit like yours.

I'm the oldest too, and this sister is 18 months younger than me. You would expect we'd be really close but we've been opposites since her birth. There are 4 children in my family and she's the second child, so not the youngest. But she is a master manipulator and uses people to get what she can out of them. When we were young it wasn't long before she was taller and stronger than me (I'm a petite girl, she's very tall) so she'd sit on me and beat me up. It wasn't just me though-when our youngest sister was learning how to walk she'd push her down for fun. Now that we're older she'd manipulate me by being super nice in letters (she travelled around a lot) and then she'd get me to do things for her. It wasn't until my father and I were helping her to move into her house (we were doing all of the manual labour while she stood around telling us which room to put the boxes in, that I realized what was really happening. All of a sudden I dropped the box I was holding onto the floor and said, "Fuck this!" Told her where she could stuff said box, and left immediately. Did our relationship end? No, it's better. Because now she respects me. She knows I won't take any of her crap.

I do really feel horrible for my father though. He won't say "No" to her and she uses him all of the time. He's in the IT field and any computer work she needs (she runs her own business) she calls him at the last minute and tells him she needs him to do X and he does it. He's also still working full time. She refuses to hire someone when she can get our father to do it for free.

All of this (and I'm so sorry it was so long) was to encourage you that it's time to put your foot down. You can do it. I promise you that you will feel a thousand times better once you do. It will feel as if a ton of weight has been lifted off your shoulders and your self respect will soar. Her silent treatment and terrible put downs disguised as jokes are abusive. Her assuming you'll be there to babysit whenever she wants is just like my sister (get what she can out of you). Don't worry about losing your relationship. Like another Pea said-you don't have a healthy relationship right now. You have to take a stand for yourself so you can cut that poison out.

I would advise you to think about it and then go over there (without notice first), and tell her, "I've had enough of your shit. You're manipulative and it's always about what you want and what you can get out of me. If you don't get your way you pull this silent treatment. I am NOT going to babysit your kids anymore (if that's what you decide). I have a life. I make my own choices. If you want cable, then pay for it. No more coming over to my house to watch it for free."

Well that's what I would say-change it to whatever your style would be   I wish you luck and strength ahead, and please feel free to pmail me if you like.

Debbie in MD.

Why would you go over there now? and if she is due in 4 wks? are you going to watch her baby? I guess it sounds like she has more to lose then you? I wouldn't worry about it. And her DH is just deflecting. If she wasn't mad, she would be over at your house and talking to you.

Seeing your update, it sounds like she sent the hubby over to lure you into going over and apologizing again. Personally, since this seems to be her MO, I wouldn't be doing any apologizing. She's just wanting you to feel like you have to, especially since she expects you to baby sit when she has the new one. It's time for sister to apologize to you. And, there's no way I'd be watching her daughter if you can't discipline her in your own home. It's not like you hauled off and gave her a spanking. You just told her no.

This time, I think I would out wait her. In the meantime, have some play dates for your daughter with some other children.