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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2015 21:52:10 GMT
Update: It has now been over a month since my sister and I have spoken. Her husband came over today to return a saw horse and informed my husband my sister isn't mad. That she just is seeing how long it is going to take me to bring my daughter to play with her's since I don't go over there. Grrrr!!! She is due in 4 weeks.... I feel that if I don't give in then this will go on indefinitely. I feel like going over and giving her a reason to be pissed.
Original post: this is kinda a pvm post. I want the thoughts of others to see if I'm justified or if I should just suck it up and be the better person.
My sis lives next door to me for the past 10 months. she brings her daughter (few weeks shy of 3) c over almost everyday to play with my daughter (5) and for her to watch the shows she has dvred on my cable (she doednt have cable). In the past 6 months my sister has got upset with me 3 times and didn't speak to me until I went over her house to "break" the silence. First two times I have no idea what I did to tick her off. Third time was right before easter. Now we are on the 4th time and I feel like throwing in the towel. What happened was her daughter came into my bedroom where I was cleaning and reached for something on my nightstand. I made a kinda aaa sound to let her know not to grab anything My neice started to cry and went to her mom and told her I "bapped" her. ( My sister uses the word bap to refer to getting in trouble. She "baps" her dogs and daughter when they are doing wrong.) I half jokingly told my sister that if she does this every time I tell her "no" that I might not be babysitting for her when the new baby comes.
Soon after I said that she left and I haven't heard a word from her for three days. For me it is fine, but my 5 yr old wants to play with her niece but can't until I go over and break the silence. The longest I have let this go on is 10 days. I don't want to go "break the silence" again. It makes me frel like I am admitting I was the one who did something wrong. She had no issues telling me she wasn't going to babysit my 4 yr old (at the time) if she was going to cry the entire time I was gone but I can"t tell her if her daughter cries every single time I tell her "no" or correct her behavior then I'm not baby sitting. To give you an idea my niece tells on her dad every time he "disaplines" her. I really don't know what to do. I'm so sick of this childish behavior. Every time I go over to break the silence it is never mentioned or talked about. She dosn't even admit she was mad at me. This time I just want to say screw it and not "fix" it. See how long she will not have nothing to do with me. So what would the peas do? Would you go over and make peace even thought you know you did nothing wrong or let her give me the silent treatment as long as she wants?
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Post by rainangel on Jun 19, 2015 22:05:10 GMT
Because this is not the first time it has been your job to fix things, and because she should be able to handle someone correcting her daughter, I would just ignore her until she does something. It might take a while though, she's used to you coming over and breaking the silence so she is probably just waiting for you to do it this time too. Be prepared for her to get more and more angry the longer it takes for you to come over. If this drags on for weeks or months she will probably work up a real grudge. And you did nothing wrong correcting her daughter. 3 year olds are still learning the ways of the world, and letting her know what she did was a no-go is not a bad thing, it's teaching her rules and manners.
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Jun 19, 2015 22:27:09 GMT
Honestly, I think I'd start setting some boundaries with her. You teach people how to treat you. Right now you are teaching your sister that if she gets made at you, that you will come crawling back and be the peacemaker. That takes up a great deal of energy! That is too much drama if you ask me. But then again, I have worked with secondary students for too long, and I don't do drama anymore. Were you okay with your niece coming over everyday to play with her cousin? I'd start scheduling play dates or something. I don't think it is wrong that you corrected her daughter. This is your house and your rules. I agree with rainangel about the rules and manners. I think it is fine if you don't want to babysit your niece. You could always both find babysitters or other people in your lives to help.
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Jun 19, 2015 22:28:23 GMT
I would not go and make peace. What you did was not wrong. The niece was in your home and that means in our home "our house - our rules".
your sister obviously does not mind her daughter being there when it suits her and obviously your daughter misses her cousin but this situation is so one sided it beggars belief.
You really need to discuss this fully with your sister and come to an agreement about discipline. I would explain to your daughter that adults sometimes have disagreements and divert her attention elsewhere.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Jun 19, 2015 22:29:59 GMT
^~~*** Validation *** ~~^ You are right and I agree with rainangel that it might drag on for a while. I think you should stick to your guns because you should be allowed to correct your niece in your house especially if you are going to be watching her with a newborn. Grudges are so irritating. I have have been shunned by my SIL for two years. We live far away so it took me over a year to figure out that something is wrong.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jun 19, 2015 22:34:19 GMT
You know what I'd do? Nothing. I'd just pretend like it never happened and that she's not pouting. Smile and wave, talk to the niece, do whatever you did before. When she wants something, then SHE can come crawling back. When she does, I'd remind her that "my house, my rules" apply. She'll probably get mad again, but oh well.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Jun 19, 2015 22:52:34 GMT
Nope, I'd pretend like nothing is going on. I'd call and ask if niece can come to play. If she doesn't answer or ignores you, it is not your loss. Build some boundaries and when you are at peace with her let her know them.
I have little tolerance for this crap. I'm sure there are some good family dynamics we are missing such as this is the baby of the family and everyone has coddled her. Or is she the oldest and never learned how to talk everything out because she was always right since she is the oldest (obviously sweeping generalizations being used as examples)
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 15:42:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2015 22:57:48 GMT
Thanks everyone for your replies. I "know" i didn't do anything wrong. It just bugs the hell me that she would do this. I try and chalk it up to her being preggo but she did this before she got preg. My youngest will be starting kinder this fall right when she will be having her second baby. She has joked that i will get to babysit since i won't have no kids at home. Nope not gonna happen. I have no idea what it is like to not have a kid at home. I'm looking forward to having all the kids in school! I do not want to have my neice. Dont get me wrong i love her but she is spoiled and if she wants to do something she gets to. I do not like confrentation at all. And I just dont know how to handle this with her living right next door. It is killing my daughter not being able to play with mer cousin. We live in a cul de sac so my daughter sees her out front riding her bike with her my sister. I dont take her out side to play with my neice because what do i say to my sis?
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SabrinaP
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Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jun 19, 2015 22:58:30 GMT
I'd call her out on it. I hate passive aggressive behavior like the silent treatment. I would flat out tell her when the kid is in your care you have the right to correct her behavior and if she doesn't like it, she needs to be there with the little girl when she is in your home.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2015 23:01:33 GMT
Eleezybeth; She is the baby and I'm the oldest. No othe siblings.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2015 23:09:27 GMT
SabrinaP. My sister is always over here with her daughter. I only babysit when she has an OB appt cause no children allowed. I don't go over to her house cause each time i tried she is busy so i just feel odd.
It wan't me disaplining her that caused issue. It was me saying i wasn't going to babysit that upset her. I would call her out on this behavior but i have a feeling our relationship would end.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jun 19, 2015 23:10:15 GMT
I'll validate you. She is a being emotionally manipulative and abusive. That's not behavior I'd want my kids exposed to anyway. Use this as a teaching moment for your kids that we teach people how to treat us, that we can't sacrifice ourselves to make others happy all the time, not to let others guilt them into something they don't agree with or want to do, and so on. These are important lessons for kids starting school anyway.
Living next door or not, they are not your circus or your monkeys unless you choose to make it so. Don't do it. Escape the cycle you are in now before it gets worse, which it will. She is all about power and control. Don't play her games. And if anyone else in the family gives you grief over it, tell them to babysit her kids.
I see where you said that if you called her out on her behavior the relationship would end. Honey, you might be better off. You don't have a relationship, that implies some equality. You have a dictatorship. She's controlling your actions and emotions by withholding whatever it is she brings to this. You are worth more than this. You wouldn't let a boyfriend or spouse do this to you, would you?
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 19, 2015 23:17:27 GMT
Don't let her hold you hostage in your own home. Find someone/someplace else your daughter can go for a few hours a day. In reality, she is the one who is going to need help. Let her come to you in her time. Set your boundaries with what you will and won't do. I know people that just expect everyone is going to help them raise their kids no matter what. People should raise the children they have and if family can't/won't help, get a sitter. She seems to be taking advantage of you.
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johnnysmom
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Post by johnnysmom on Jun 19, 2015 23:20:43 GMT
Oh hell no. When it involves my kid my gloves would be comin' off.
I'd sit on the porch and let my daughter play with her cousin. Or I might just be bitchy enough to play something super fun with my kid like bubbles or the sprinkler and invite your niece to join in.
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theshyone
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Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Jun 19, 2015 23:26:31 GMT
I'm so confused. Is she mad because you "bapped/buzzed" her daughter? What the hell is that even?
As for playing outside go out with your daughter and her bike and let them play.
I'm not understanding something?
If you did nothing wrong why would you apologize? Again confused.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 19, 2015 23:32:34 GMT
Im of 2 minds with this.
First; looking at your situation from the OUTSIDE it's easy to say 'you teach people how to treat you' and you've taught your sister that it's OK to play passive aggressive games with you while using you to babysit. You come 'apologize every time so she can have a temper tantrum anytime and 'blame' you. If your going to baby sit then you HAVE to have s means of discipline. If not the child will jst grow more and more unwieldy. And making a sound is a very mild form of discipline. Your sister is way over reacting. You need to put your foot down and stay firm. She needs to apologize for treating you poorly and being incredibly immature.
On the other hand, I am a peacemaker, I wouldn't last too long with my sister mad at me. Though as we got older we were at odds less and less if at all, thankfully. If I were INSIDE your situation Id think my advice was crazy. How could I sit at standoff with my sister and for what, a few words? Life's short what does it matter who's 'right'? And life is short, I miss my sister dearly since she was killed and it would kill me if we hadn't been talking.
Yeah I know I'm contradicting myself completely. But like I said from over here outside the situation it's so easy to tell you to stay firm, teach your sister she can't treat you like that, etc. She's being immature and passive aggressive. And all that stuff. Yet I know in my heart of hearts I would NOT be able to follow my own advice were I you. I just couldn't.
Has she always been like that or is it new behavior that came with her pregnancy?
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smginaz Suzy
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Jun 19, 2015 23:35:41 GMT
"Hi, we came out to join you! How is your day going?"
Lather, rinse, repeat.
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Post by tinydogmafia on Jun 19, 2015 23:36:30 GMT
I think your sister needs to be "bapped" for not being an adult, and making you grovel to her when she's the biggest baby on your block. No way would I be apologizing for any of the scenario you described.
Don't keep your kid hostage in the house because your niece and sister are out. That's totally unfair. Go out and let her play. Make small talk if you must, but under no circumstances should you grovel. She gets something out of making you do that. She gets to have all the power in the relationship. Take some back.
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Post by utmr on Jun 19, 2015 23:36:38 GMT
Personally l, I'd ignore her. If you see her when you are pulling in or out the driveway, I'd smile and wave and be cordial. Otherwise nothing. I wouldn't seek her out, wouldn't answer the phone, etc. I'd just be busy all the time. Too busy, in fact, to even notice that she was giving you the silent treatment. I certainly wouldn't go over there and fix anything- there's nothing for you to fix.
Let her sulk. Not your monkeys.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2015 23:55:17 GMT
Hop2.. that is exactly the issue. All this over something so so stupid yet i want to stand my ground on the principle but is it worth losing a relationship over? Sometimes i hate being the freaking adult!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2015 23:56:16 GMT
Tinydogmafia.. that made me lol about baping my sister... lord knows she needs it!
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Post by baslp on Jun 20, 2015 0:58:03 GMT
I would move if you could.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 20, 2015 1:12:23 GMT
Your sister treats you bad and you allow it. Only you can change that. All the validation in the world won't change that. You have to decide if you are going to keep taking it. You'll also have to decide if you are comfortable teaching your daughter that this is acceptable behavior.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 20, 2015 1:13:45 GMT
What I would do and what I think you should do are probably 2 different things LOL!
I am very non-confrontational, so I would probably pretend like nothing has happened. If your sister is outside with her DD, then pop out with your DD and, like smginaz Suzy suggested, say "Hi, we came out to join you! How is your day going?"
But I also agree with the others who suggested having a conversation with your sister about it. Along the lines of "Look, I know you're mad at me for xxxx. The last few times this has happened you've not spoken to me until I've come over to apologize. I can't keep doing this, it's draining and it's childish. I want our girls to spend time with each other but I'm not prepared to put up with getting the silent treatment from you every time something minor happens."
Oh, and as for this:
Wow!! I hope for your sake that she doesn't really think she can dump her 3yo on your doorstep when she has the new baby. I think you're going to have to set some ground rules early on about that. No way would I want to be looking after anyone else's kids if mine were all in school.
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SabrinaP
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Post by SabrinaP on Jun 20, 2015 1:25:00 GMT
SabrinaP. My sister is always over here with her daughter. I only babysit when she has an OB appt cause no children allowed. I don't go over to her house cause each time i tried she is busy so i just feel odd. It wan't me disaplining her that caused issue. It was me saying i wasn't going to babysit that upset her. I would call her out on this behavior but i have a feeling our relationship would end. But wouldn't not speaking to her and playing her passive aggressive game do the same. My theory is your sister will stop treating you this way when she stops getting away with it. Call her out on her bad behavior and put a stop to it. At least you would take back some control and out the ball in her court as far as the relationship goes.
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Post by AngieandSnoopy on Jun 20, 2015 1:26:02 GMT
Hop2.. that is exactly the issue. All this over something so so stupid yet i want to stand my ground on the principle but is it worth losing a relationship over? Sometimes i hate being the freaking adult! I'm afraid that sooner or later no matter WHAT you do, you'll lose the relationship eventually. Been there done that with my sister. The sad sad thing is she had no one left when she ruined her heart with drugs and alcohol, two sisters that were just done, her mother who USED to worship the ground she walked on was also done and her husband was just there because even though he was done, I think he just didn't want her to die in a gutter. He is happily married now to a wonderful lady and the person I mourn was my little sister I grew up with, not the person she became. I didn't mean this to be about me, I just want you to NOT grovel to her like I did because I think all it will do is that she'll just walk all over you worse each time. Do NOT hide in the house, go outside as you normally do and don't act like anything is wrong and don't apologize for something you didn't do. Maybe, just maybe if you act like nothing is wrong and she isn't bothering you, she'll come around. And do NOT tie yourself down to her child.
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Post by nyxish on Jun 20, 2015 1:26:48 GMT
Ok...so like was said above - easy from the outside to make a call but i have no idea what i'd do actually living in your shoes. My initial reaction is that there should be some level of Come To Jesus talk on this topic - this is clearly how she handles her own temper tantrums and gets validation from you always having to come to her. If you want the relationship to keep going and not be a constant thorn in your side... really, she needs to pull up her big kid underoos and GROW UP. (Gods know what her kids will learn from that bratty behavior in their mom... but i digress.) It doesn't even have to be a "Sis, this is crappy, you're a brat and it's all your fault so grow up or else" kind fo talk, but maybe a "Ok, so i am noticing this pattern and it makes me very sad, and i was hoping we could look at better ways of dealing with minor problems between us, because you mean the world to me and i really do treasure our relationship. You're the only sister i'll ever have and i love you a lot." or something... less dorky than that? And it might be rough for a while, but there has to be a reason you love your sister when she's not throwing fits, so there is that in her that is awesome and maybe if you can...talk to her without attacking her you cna plant a seed of a different relationship? i guess the other side of this ...and ok, disclaimer: i do not in any way understand a sibling relationship AT ALL. i am an only child and i am not close to my family, so... this will be from that perspective... if you do go make peace, and this is always the pattern that continues... (and frankly, your sister's kids may learn this stuff too so your daughter might deal with this from their cousins)... is this the relationship you want? What is your end goal, and how can you best reach it? that's all very cold and from the outside, so feel free to disregard as useless in your situation. Either way, very best of luck. Sucks.
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kate
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Post by kate on Jun 20, 2015 1:28:18 GMT
What if you didn't make a big deal of "breaking the silence"? You don't have to go over and smooth the waters or apologize or anything like that. Just march over and say hello when they're outside - or, as a pp suggested, go outside with something fun and invite her DD to come play with you. By maintaining the silence, it just gets more and more awkward as time passes, KWIM? I don't envy you having such a passive-aggressive family member living so close by! I do envy that you have a sister, though.
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Post by alittleintrepid on Jun 20, 2015 1:37:56 GMT
I'd disown her just for using the term "bapped". That is really annoying.
As for watching niece, I'd be happy to do it at the going child are rate! (Why can't she just watch them both?)
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Post by mommythree on Jun 20, 2015 2:05:47 GMT
I would not make the first move to break the ice. Your sister knows from past experiences that you will be the one to come around. I would let her pout for a while. She has another one on the way, I can guarantee she is going to need you before you need her. It's a shame she can act her age, because it would be so nice to have your family so close by. She's one of THOSE girls, who's kid can do no wrong....she probably doesn't have many friends because of her behavior.
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