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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 20:50:38 GMT
I had a couple of long previous posts about 16 yo DD and her boyfriend....now XBF! I have just found out most of this in the past week and have a WWYD at the end.
Once we got past the sex/BC mess this spring (1st time for both of them), apparently XBF got bored again and took up drinking and partying. I think there was a fair amount of pressuring by him to get DD to go drink. I'd guess she did at least once by staying at a friend's house. Ultimately, it isn't going to be her thing at this point, especially on a regular basis like it quickly got to be for him. Her curfew was midnight and he would regularly start leaving at 11 so he could go meet the drinkers. His crappy dad was pretty strict up to a point and now nothing. XBF apparently has no curfew at all anymore.
Because of the partying, she broke up with him about 2 weeks ago. Of course, they left it that they would still be best friends, talk to each other, hang out, blah blah. One of XBF's buddies told DD that XBF said they would be back together by the end of the week. DD told me that and she said maybe in the month, not in a week.
The day AFTER DD broke up with XBF, he got drunk and hooked up with a party girl in their grade. This girl has been a friend (not close friend) of DD's all through school. They actually got to be closer friends earlier in the school year, but DD backed off when she realized this girl was partying a lot and didn't have a good reputation. She has broken up other couples, she gets drunk and makes out (or more) with whoever. I know the girl, know who her parents are...also asked a couple of friends that know her and her mom well and they confirmed oh yeah, this girl has been a handful for a long time (her sis one yr younger is apparently worse).
DD found out right away about them hooking up and he said he was sorry...DD said doesn't matter, he was free anyway. They proceeded to hang out Thurs, Fri and Sat which were mostly plans they had before the break up. Guess he was trying to behave, although he left early Fri night to go drink and then was hungover and almost didn't wake up in time for Sat plans. At some point, he admitted he was started to have feelings for party girl, though he knew she wasn't good for him and they would burn out. DD said no problem, you're free. DD sat between 2 guys (friends) at fireworks last weekend and then XBF started in that he can't stand seeing her by other guys....he's jealous all day long. Guess at fireworks he sat with a foot of space between him and party girl and didn't talk to her. Sat and stared at DD, according to her friends. He tells DD by text later he's making a mistake with party girl and since he hasn't started "officially" dating her he thought he should be done with her. DD said good for you, you can change yourself anytime you want. He goes back to that he wants to keep on partying for now and he'll change eventually. I think deep down DD would have gotten back together with him if he was willing to change now (yuck).
Over the last week, they have talked here and there, he is always initiating it yet. A few days ago, he wanted to know who she is f***ing and she chewed him out that she isn't s#x crazed like him. They had some back and forth and he tried to make it seem to DD that he was JK in asking who she's f***ing, then took it up on himself to contact a couple of her friends asking if they thought he seemed s#x crazed.
DD is moving on. She has 2 guys that want to take her to the movies, 1 wanted to take her rollerblading and 1 wants to take her golfing. She isn't doing anything yet, although she wants me to take her golfing tomorrow since she's a newbie at it (and golfer would be my #1 pick for a date...he's a really nice guy in her grade who I've known all through school). Yesterday she went to the beach with a couple and a good friend of the guy of the couple had a blast. They ended up putting 1 pic on IG and soon after XBF is contacting her wanting to know who she is with and where she was at. Then later he texts again saying he just wants her to keep talking to him and asking if she'll be nice to him, her asking why? He says he wants her to, he wants them to be cool, he's sorry for what he did to her and he likes it when she's nice to him. DD's response is honestly, why can't you just forget about me and you'll do fine without me. Took him a long time to respond and he says IDK. Then hours later at 3:30 in the morning, she gets "Your a c*nt lol I don't know why I liked you I love <party girl>" AARGH!
Once DD finally told me what was going on about the break up and what's happened since, she has been keeping me the loop. She had me read the majority of her texts and sent me screen shots of what is more concerning to me as a parent. She didn't see the 3:30 a.m. msg until this morning and responded with a LOL k bye good luck with your life. I don't know if she has heard back, she hadn't up until she went to work this afternoon.
Here's my WWYD. XBF's dad is a handful. Anger issues at a minimum. XBF has only lived with dad a little over 2 yrs, otherwise hadn't been in his life much for 10 yrs prior. I spoke on the phone and texted with him quite a few times. Early on it was a lot of venting on his part about raising teens. He tried to be very controlling early on then backed off any punishment or curfew it seems. Regardless of the stupid choices XBF has made, he's young and a nice kid. I'm just sad for the lack of parenting he is getting and really this kid probably just wants someone who cares about him. I also found out recently reason he came to dad is there was abuse going on from step dad (who his mom divorced).
I'm not okay with XBF calling DD a c*nt. Between that, the partying he's doing and how I couldn't get him to get any BC and they were taking risks, I would like to call XBF's dad. I would say I'm concerned for XBF and the text he sent and the fact that it was in the middle of the night and it seems he was drunk. And if he wasn't aware, DD broke up with him because of the partying and drinking. I would let dad know DD is willing to be friends and talk to XBF if he's respectful, but I as a parent won't let her be harassed. WWYD?? |
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Post by kandie on Jul 1, 2015 20:55:17 GMT
I would let it lie for now.
If he continues to bug your daughter and she has tried to cut off all ties to him, then maybe I would say something
If you daughter is friends with him on and off......then I would not intervene. She needs to stay away from him and cut him out completely. At that point, he most likely will move on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 21:00:20 GMT
So much drama. Sorry you're dealing with it.
The 3:30 AM text sounds like it's the other girl, not the guy. JMHO
I would not get involved talking to dad about anything at this point.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 1, 2015 21:01:30 GMT
Me? I wouldn't do anything. Except block his number from calling dd.
Not sure that would be the right thing to do though.
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Post by mom on Jul 1, 2015 21:07:25 GMT
I agree, I think this sounds like a girl doing some late night harassing - not the ex.
Whatever the case, I wouldnt do anything other than ignore them all and block their numbers. Your daughter is in high school and part of that is learning how to deal with a*holes in a mature way. NOTHING is to be gained, really, by contacting the dad.
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lesley
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Post by lesley on Jul 1, 2015 21:07:50 GMT
At this stage, I wouldn't get involved. It sounds as though your daughter is doing ok, and not particularly upset by any of this. So far, it sounds as though there has only been this one insulting text, and I don't think that, on its own, means very much. If you really feel you need to have your say, then maybe you should speak to the boy rather than his dad.
Remind me, are you the Pea that was insistent that your DD go on the pill, and was forever checking how intimate the couple had been? If not, I apologise for the mix-up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 21:10:22 GMT
Yeah, I wondered about the txt being from the other girl, although I think XBF would come back and say it was her and apologize.
I can see why I shouldn't get into this mess and not call his dad. It is drama and DD is totally not drama at all. This situation is low-key though, she has 1 good friend that knows what is going on and I could tell how relieved she was after telling me.
Also, party girl's parents were out of town last weekend and her and XBF hosted a drinking party. I have a good friend that knows party's girl mom well and would have texted her for me and I didn't. I just don't know how I feel about what I should have done. I am low-key to a point and I think I'm getting to my limit with this situation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 21:14:47 GMT
Yes, I was the one dealing with this same couple when she went on the pill. "Forever checking" may be a little extreme, but obviously you are getting a condensed version here so it may have seemed that way  IDK, since DD told me they were "kinda" having sex and the BC was lacking (if any), you bet I was all over it. FWIW after she was on it, she's had one question since and it hasn't come up otherwise. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 21:27:04 GMT
I'd stay as far away from this family and XBF as possible and NOT encourage DD to stay friends or even acquaintances.
Sorry, but he is BAD news!
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akathy
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Post by akathy on Jul 1, 2015 21:31:11 GMT
Calling the XBF's father wouldn't do anything to change the way things are so why would you even consider it?
I'm being respectful but why are you so up in your DD's dating life? She's on the pill and she's handling the breakup well. I think you need to butt out.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 1, 2015 21:31:45 GMT
Block his phone number--don't call the father and have a conversation with your DD about healthy ,safe, no drugs/drinking relationships.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 1, 2015 21:36:44 GMT
I would only contact the father if I was friends with the father.
YOur DD needs to go no contact with the boy. No answering texts or phone calls and ko iniating contact. It is the only way he will stop. Every time she responds she gives him some hope or control or satisfaction.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 21:46:02 GMT
Yeah, I wondered about the txt being from the other girl, although I think XBF would come back and say it was her and apologize. I can see why I shouldn't get into this mess and not call his dad. It is drama and DD is totally not drama at all. This situation is low-key though, she has 1 good friend that knows what is going on and I could tell how relieved she was after telling me. Also, party girl's parents were out of town last weekend and her and XBF hosted a drinking party. I have a good friend that knows party's girl mom well and would have texted her for me and I didn't. I just don't know how I feel about what I should have done. I am low-key to a point and I think I'm getting to my limit with this situation. Yeah, he stayed over at her house and she sent the middle of the night text, I'd bet. He might not even know about it, if she deleted it off his phone. |
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Post by maryland on Jul 1, 2015 21:46:42 GMT
I would leave it alone.
I do feel bad for the boy if his father isn't taking good care of him. It sounds like he isn't getting the parenting he needs to stay safe and out of trouble.
Your daughter sounds like a smart teen for breaking up with him for the partying. Drinking and driving is my big worry with teens. Both of my daughters have friends that have broken up with their girlfriends because of the girls drinking/pressuring the boyfriend to drink. I am impressed with teens that do not think drinking is cool and do not want to be part of a couple/group that likes to drink. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 21:55:53 GMT
Thanks everyone...contacting dad wouldn't be pleasant and more I think about it, I don't want the situation to escalate (by dad on the XBF's case and then him coming back to DD about it). No reason for me to contact XBF, if he would harass her I would. Blocking is a good option if we need it...I haven't done that before, but I think I can through our cell provider.
I guess I am coming more from contacting dad so he knows what's going on. Totally agree that if he was a friend I would. This all started in the last few months...I'm pretty sure he is clueless. My perspective is much more concern for XBF and his choices, where is the line between shielding him and getting him in trouble? IDK
I'm not all up in DD's dating?? She came to me about all of this and the smile on her face when she told me about the other boys that asked her out was priceless. We very much relate as adults when we talk and I'm certainly not telling her what to do (well except I have said don't rush into anything). Not sure why I'm justifying my relationship with my kid.........appreciate the advice about the dad, though.
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Post by Zee on Jul 1, 2015 22:03:14 GMT
it sounds like she's handling it just fine and you are way overly involved in your daughter's romantic life. Go watch a Hallmark movie or two and butt out.
And quit slut-shaming the other girl. I don't care if she slept with the whole football team--not pertinent, and none of your business. I can't imagine spending my time gossiping about teenage kids with other moms.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 22:04:00 GMT
I would leave it alone.
I do feel bad for the boy if his father isn't taking good care of him. It sounds like he isn't getting the parenting he needs to stay safe and out of trouble.
Your daughter sounds like a smart teen for breaking up with him for the partying. Drinking and driving is my big worry with teens. Both of my daughters have friends that have broken up with their girlfriends because of the girls drinking/pressuring the boyfriend to drink. I am impressed with teens that do not think drinking is cool and do not want to be part of a couple/group that likes to drink.
^^This is my only reason for even contacting dad.
I'm pretty proud of her for making this choice, too. She had talked to me awhile ago about some of the partying that was going on and apparently they have a few houses they can go to after the parents are asleep or wait until someone has an empty house. They sleep over and the kids all leave very early in the morning. Depending on how much they drink, this doesn't make me feel much better about them being on the roads. Drinking and driving is something we stress not doing big time.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 1, 2015 22:05:38 GMT
Another one who thinks you need to stay out of it. It is great that your teen feels comfortable coming to you and sharing these details, but I think you need to take a step back and let her handle it. Suggest that she block his number as well as his presence on social media and be done with it. Don't engage in any type of gossip against this new girl.
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marimoose
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Post by marimoose on Jul 1, 2015 22:07:48 GMT
I would only contact the father if I was friends with the father. YOur DD needs to go no contact with the boy. No answering texts or phone calls and ko iniating contact. It is the only way he will stop. Every time she responds she gives him some hope or control or satisfaction. Totally agree with this. My daughter went through harassing things in HS and truly, sometimes the less that is said is the best in the end. Situations change and words just can't be taken back. I get that you are worried about the young man but at this point in time, it isn't your problem and nothing he is doing is life threatening. Your daughter sounds very mature so have faith in her judgment and that she trusts you to talk to. You don't want to jeopardize that. |
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Post by anxiousmom on Jul 1, 2015 22:14:24 GMT
it sounds like she's handling it just fine and you are way overly involved in your daughter's romantic life. Go watch a Hallmark movie or two and butt out. And quit slut-shaming the other girl. I don't care if she slept with the whole football team--not pertinent, and none of your business. I can't imagine spending my time gossiping about teenage kids with other moms. Maybe I am just having a grumpy day, and normally I keep my negative opinions to myself (I don't do confrontation well) buy I have a bit of an issue with the ex-boyfriend and the new girl exhibiting the exact same behaviors and the implication is that she is a slut (the party girl who makes out or more with everyone) and he is a good kid who doesn't have good parental oversight, but if he did, he wouldn't be out partying or drinking. Even down to the name calling-it has to be the girl who slept over, not the boy she slept over with. I have teenagers. I get it, I want to defend my kid to the death. But I sure hope I am not defending them to the point of teaching them that it is more okay for a boy to behave this way than a girl. |
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Post by Dixie Lou on Jul 1, 2015 22:31:23 GMT
Seems the consensus here is not to tell the the boy's father.
My daughter's boyfriend's mom called me to tell me things I didn't know and I truly appreciated it. We aren't especially friends but have talked from time to time. She turned out to be overly dramatic and everything she told me was not the truth BUT I was very glad for the heads up and a lot of problems/issues were solved. Just think long and hard before you contact the dad, if that is what you decide to do. Boyfriend's mom didn't like how I handled it all from my end so I think she is mad at me but I don't care. I don't like the way she handled it either but I haven't walked in her shoes...
Your daughter sounds like a great girl. Best wishes to both of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 22:35:47 GMT
?? Sorry if you are offended by how I worded things for this situation. I am basing my side of it on actual people and happen to feel that "slut-shaming" is a gender neutral term.
I put too much detail in this, buy yeah, this girl has been causing trouble for awhile. I know in the past of a couple girls that weren't allowed to hang out with her based on whatever their parents knew. IDK and didn't ask. I didn't realize stuff was still going on with her to this extent. Lots of boys out there doing the same....and I'm pretty sure I never said he was a good kid...nice kid, yep and we got to know him pretty well. He babysat my younger kids just 3 weeks ago, helped a lot when DD had a bonfire, etc. all recently.
And I'm not out gossiping or I wouldn't be here! I asked one good friend if she had party girl's moms contact info and talked to her about it. She's a dr, I'm not too worried about her going out and gossiping about it. Other person I talked to was about the drinking party...
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Post by Zee on Jul 1, 2015 22:46:42 GMT
You have a lot of details about how awful she is, for someone who doesn't gossip. You said you asked some other friends. I wonder why you would do that other than out of sheer nosiness. Again, not your business, not pertinent.
DD had her heart broken by an ex, who kept going back to his ex. Never occurred to me to try and find out anything about the other girl. I don't care about teenage drama or my daughter's ex's new gf's sex life and party habits.
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Post by maryland on Jul 1, 2015 22:57:41 GMT
I would leave it alone.
I do feel bad for the boy if his father isn't taking good care of him. It sounds like he isn't getting the parenting he needs to stay safe and out of trouble.
Your daughter sounds like a smart teen for breaking up with him for the partying. Drinking and driving is my big worry with teens. Both of my daughters have friends that have broken up with their girlfriends because of the girls drinking/pressuring the boyfriend to drink. I am impressed with teens that do not think drinking is cool and do not want to be part of a couple/group that likes to drink.
^^This is my only reason for even contacting dad.
I'm pretty proud of her for making this choice, too. She had talked to me awhile ago about some of the partying that was going on and apparently they have a few houses they can go to after the parents are asleep or wait until someone has an empty house. They sleep over and the kids all leave very early in the morning. Depending on how much they drink, this doesn't make me feel much better about them being on the roads. Drinking and driving is something we stress not doing big time.
Yes, the dad needs to keep his son safe and protected, and it doesn't sound like he cares.
My middle child is 15 and will be a junior. There are many kids in her grade that I really don't want her hanging out with. For some reason, some parents of kids in her grade host parties where they know there is a lot of drinking. It seems that they would do anything for their daughter to be popular, even if it involves putting other kids and people on the road at risk. Scary! Those girls don't like my daughter, so no worries about her going to any of the parties!
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Jul 2, 2015 0:41:07 GMT
I'd leave it alone as well for now unless things escalate. But I would suggest she remove him from all of her social media, that way if pictures or any info comes up he won't be contacting her. Sounds like the ex is a tool and that your DD knows it.  |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jul 2, 2015 0:45:52 GMT
I think I'd tell my daughter to ignore all the garbage, now that she knows who her real friends are. As an aside, I think you know an awful lot of minute details of your daughter's life. I'm sure she probably shares a lot with you, but I don't think I'd invite lots of teen drama into my life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 1:26:05 GMT
The only thing you need to do is encourage your daughter to break up completely with him. She doesn't need "friends" like him or the other girl. No matter how you see your daughter other people see her in light of the friends she has~ and the factual information they pass on. Like it or not she was sexually active with this boy. Her reputation as a loose girl is likely close to the same as the reputation of the "party girl"
The more questionable people in her social circle the more questionable her own reputation becomes.
Break up with them and block those phone numbers. Block them from her social media. Learn from it and move on.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 2, 2015 1:34:07 GMT
She should block his access to any of her accounts. He's likely not going to let up with access to things like her instagram. Best way for it to drop off would be no contact, which means he shouldn't be seeing what she's doing on social media. Clean breaks are good!!!
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IDK, since DD told me they were "kinda" having sex and the BC was lacking (if any), you bet I was all over it. FWIW after she was on it, she's had one question since and it hasn't come up otherwise.
